This afternoon I went to the nursing home to visit one of the saints. He had surgery almost 5 months ago, and something went wrong. He has neurological problems as a result, and they have had a difficult time getting answers. Yesterday they went to see a new doctor, hoping that he would be willing to do a procedure that might help. This poor man has had days when he couldn't speak, days when he was totally confused, and days when he was in pretty good shape. Today when I saw him, he knew me, and seemed pretty coherent.
He confirmed that they'd seen the doctor yesterday, and that they were going to do the surgery. Then he started in talking about the conspiracy. He is convinced that his wife is trying to get rid of him so she can have everything to herself. All the women are in on the conspiracy, including me. There was no reasoning with him.
As soon as I walked out the door, I started trying to reach his wife. I reached her the second time I called. She was home, and I could stop by. Today was their 63rd anniversary, and as I had anticipated, his attitude towards her had hurt deeply. This woman has amazed me with her strength. Since he has been sick, she has followed through on their plans to move into a smaller place in town and have an auction to sell their household goods. She has handled the move and the sale with the help of their children, and the entire time has been visiting him daily and continuing to pursue other medical options for him.
Early on she told me she felt like half of her brain was missing, because they'd always made all their decisions together. Now she's handling everything on her own. Now he's finally able to carry on a conversation, and he's attacking her and accusing her of terrible things. She knows that he doesn't mean it. She knows that she's just a convenient target for all his anger and frustration. He was supposed to be home and on his feet within 2 weeks of the initial surgery, and it's been 5 months! She knows it's not about her, but about what he's been through. She knows all of this, and it still hurts.
I understand. As the parent of a child who was deeply wounded by her birth family, I know what it is like to be the target. I know what it is like to have hateful words thrown at me. I know intellectually that she doesn't really mean it, and it still hurts. I've learned not to pay attention to the content of her rants, and I'm still exhausted at the end of them.
I told this wife/target that I know how much it hurts, and that unless you've been targeted, you can't understand what it's like. She quickly agreed. I told her I thought that she had made the right decision to go forward with the upcoming surgery. I assured her that I would be praying that God would bring healing through this surgery. I put the date of the surgery on my Pearl, and assured her I would be there with her. I assured her of God's presence with them both through this ordeal, and acknowledged that we couldn't understand the why of it all. I told her it was okay to say to her husband when he became abusive, "I'm sorry you feel that way. I love you. I'll see you tomorrow." I told her she could then leave, she didn't need to stay and take the verbal abuse. She was grateful for my visit.
I left feeling so inadequate. The very people who pour our lives into seeking healing for a hurting individual too often become the target of the individual's pain and anger. It's not right. It hurts. Then I remind myself that it reflects a little of what Jesus did on the cross. I am grateful for the opportunity to understand a little bit more of God's great love for us, and hope and pray that my life will reflect some of that love.
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