Falling

I sat and talked to a member for a while today. He was waiting for a report on his sister, but anticipated that she would be declared brain dead and removed from the vent. She fell this weekend. It wasn't a long fall or a particularly hard fall, but it was enough of a fall that she couldn't get up, and it's cold outside, and....

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Tomorrow I'm doing the service for Sister Best Friend's father-in-law. He fell last week. It wasn't a long fall, and he was able to get up, but it's never good to hit your head when your on blood thinners....

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I don't recall ever having people die as a result of a fall (a broken hip has started a decline that ended in death), but never has the fall been the direct cause. Now I have 2 in less than a week (though I'm only doing one of the services).

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Just another reminder that we can't predict life and death. In the midst of life and death, there are people freaking out over the snow. Somehow that just doesn't seem that important right now. There's nothing like dealing with death to give one perspective.

Snow and Joy

Capital is north of Tiny Village. It's less then 200 miles, so I was not anticipating this much difference in winter weather. We've had more snow, and it sticks around. We've had more cold days, including about a week when the highs were in the single digits. I think I've worn my boots more this winter than I did in 14 years in Tiny Village. I'm also wearing my winter coat on a daily basis, something I seldom did in Tiny Village (in part because I was only outside for very short periods of time.) They're talking about a foot of snow this week.

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So it's cold and snowy and I'm learning to get a running start at my driveway that goes up hill a little bit.... Yet here's the thing: I'm loving it. Now give me another month and I may feel differently, but for now, I'm happy. This much snow in Tiny Village would have shut things down. Here, we just keep going. I'm relearning how to drive in snow, and am very grateful for anti-lock brakes and traction control.

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I'm loving leading worship here-- the congregation is responsive and appreciative. We are having visitors on a regular basis. There is an energy and excitement in the air as we watch God at work among us. In the midst of winter, I am experiencing joy.

Multi-Tasking

We spent part of yesterday afternoon/evening with Sister Best Friend and her in-laws. Her father-in-law died, and I am going to have the honor of doing the funeral this week. (FiL was part of Sister Best Friend's congregation, and it would be too hard for her to do the funeral-- I was honored when they selected me from the suggestions she offered.)

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I was somewhat surprised to discover that Daughter had a connection with him. She was distressed to hear he was dying, and then dead. She had recently been to his house while she was staying with SBF and SBF husband for a couple of hours while I was at an appointment in their town. It also triggered her memories of the death of my parents. We talked for a bit on the drive over, and then I suggested she listen to her music while I made some phone calls.

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When we got there, we ended up sitting next to each other on a couch in a room that was full of family and friends. Daughter took advantage of the time to snuggle in next to me. She's bigger than I am, and I'm sure it looks slightly ridiculous, but snuggling in next to me like a very young child is very comforting for her. She was bored, and not real happy about being there, but the fact that she was getting that snuggle time made it okay. Actually, I'm hoping it was more than okay for her, that it helped calm her fears. The family knows of Daughter even if they haven't actually spent time with her, and they were wonderfully accepting. She did make a few comments and offer a few observations, all appropriate. In fact, SBFH was sensitive to the difficulties this might present for Daughter, and wanted to make sure I knew I could come around her needs/schedule.

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As we left for home, I thanked her for being so patient and cooperative. She was surprised. We talked for a few minutes, and then she retreated into her music and I began returning phone calls. Oh, and the calls stop when I'm in traffic or the city-- they are for the long, lonely sections of the drive. Daughter will go with me to the funeral.

The Big Duh

I'm reading this book about Borderline Personality Disorder. While the information isn't necessarily new to me, the book has helped me identify what has been triggering Daughter and some of her behaviors. The big issue for BPD's is fear of abandonment. Since we moved her to Capital, I have been much busier with my ministry. I have to face the reality that I have been less available to Daughter, even when I am physically present with her I am not as emotionally available as I was in Tiny Village. This have been very good for my mental health, and very hard on Daughter. The acting out she has done in response has pushed me further away from her, setting off a downward spiral.

I'm going to work on making daily time to have positive, focused interaction with Daughter. Hopefully that will help calm her anxiety. I am also very much aware that I am much less stressed now that the board retreat is behind me. That was taking a great deal of time and energy. Hopefully having that behind me will make it easier to give Daughter the reassurance she needs so desperately.

Getting Attention

Yesterday evening was another Meet the Pastor gathering in a home. Daughter spent much of the time in the basement playing wii with a 4 year old. Eventually the 4 year old went home, and she was upstairs sitting on the floor leaning against me. We were having a lively discussion on how to make the church more visitor friendly. She became upset and announced that she'd sent a text to a friend from Tiny Village, and the friend's mother had texted back that the friend had died. That certainly kills the conversation. I expressed sympathy, and asked to see the text. She couldn't figure out what had happened to it. As I was examining her phone, a text came in from the friend, telling Daughter she was fine.

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"Look, I know you're bored and want attention, but I think you can come up with better ways of getting it than telling me your friend has died."

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"Can we go now?"

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"Well that's certainly a better way to tell me what you're feeling."

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This conversation was quite public, and she was not at all embarrassed or ashamed of her lie. I guess it gives people a good idea of the kind of things I deal with on a daily basis. I am discovering more people within the congregation who have disabled family members. I think that is why they are so understanding.

Today's Laugh

Turning on Daughter's bedroom light and pulling the covers off of her is no longer getting her up. She was awake and cold in a wet bed for 45 minutes today. When we finally headed to the church (late), neither one of us was in a very good work. She insisted she was being mistreated and her rights were being violated. "I'm going to call the cops! It's not right to make me go out to places and have fun!"

New Therapist

We met Daughter's new therapist today. She works with people with borderline regularly, and does Dialectical Behavioral Therapy. Daughter liked her. I'm glad.

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Yesterday I was so tired I went to bed before 8:00. It helped, but then I woke up this morning, Daughter had been into food, of course. It wasn't the best way to start the day. It was a productive day at the church, though. I'm glad I have something positive to balance out the challenges Daughter is giving me right now.

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I'll Try

I remember clearly the counseling professor at seminary telling us, "'I'll try,' means, 'I won't.'" Daughter told me she'd try to make it a better evening. She's unhappy that I won't let her play video games. She's still very good at watching me work. I suppose I should be grateful she emptied the kitchen trash. Of course, once again she didn't put another trash bag in it.

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I looked through all the newsprint from our board retreat Saturday and summarized it. I'll email it to everyone tomorrow. There were several things I wasn't clear about from the notes, so hopefully others will be able to clarify for me. I have my first follow up meeting tomorrow afternoon. We'll be making plans to combine two committees. I also wrote a bunch of newsletter articles today. Administrative Assistant will be in tomorrow to begin putting it all together.

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Daughter's program is supposed to move into their own space two weeks from today. That will ease my stress somewhat, as I will no longer have to stay at the church as late in the afternoon, and I definitely won't be going into the church on Fridays. I'll be able to get a full day off again. Of course, that means I'll have to have the work done by Friday. It will be nice, though, to have that freedom again. It will be the first time since we moved that a bus will pick Daughter up and leave me home alone for the day. I'm looking forward to it.

A Letter of Apology

Sunday afternoon is always a low energy time for me. Sunday morning takes a lot out of me. We had a dinner after worship today. It was a good time to visit with people. I'm still tired from yesterday, so I had even less energy than usual. Plus, on the way home we stopped to pick up Daughter's prescriptions. Her medicaid is all messed up. Suddenly it won't cover prescriptions she's been on for years. They won't cover her diabetes test strips. Usually her prescriptions are less than $20 a month. Today they were $100. So I got home and the laundry was piled high. It's hard to keep up with laundry when Daughter's linens need to be washed daily and we aren't home most evenings.

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I asked her to bring me the dark hamper and bring in some firewood. It is very cold here today, and I wanted a fire as I sat and relaxed. She told me she would. Except she didn't. She complained when I reminded her. So I did it. So went the afternoon. She wanted to watch something on TV with me. Then she laid down on the couch, taking all the space and covering herself with the throw she supposedly gave me for Christmas, except it's never available for me to use because she's using it. I asked her to make space. She got mad, threw a pillow at me, called me a name, and stormed off.

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I continued to work on the laundry (the 4th load is in the washing machine now-- and there's still more to do). She pouted. Finally she came out and gave me a letter. It says:

"Dear Mom,

I am sorry for being a jackass to you. I did not mean to ignore you or not listen to. I will try to do my best to do better with teamwork and not to make you tired.

Let me take care of the rest of the laundry. Sorry Mom. I love you very much. I will prove it to you if I have to.

Love-4-ever and always."

She told me she wanted to cook supper for me so I could relax. I had misgivings, but decided to allow her to make amends. The dryer began to buzz. Daughter ignored it. Supper was okay (tuna, macaroni, mozzarella cheese, and salad topping). The dryer stopped buzzing. I went in to check it out. Then I asked Daughter if she was going to take care of it. No answer. She was in her bedroom. She'd snuck some ice cream out of the freezer and was eating it. She wasn't happy about being found.

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Oh, and that letter? It was just words, it didn't mean anything. At least, that's what she said. Then she wonders why I don't believe her when she tells me something. So, I'm taking care of the laundry. I'm cleaning up her supper mess. I'm going to have to take the recycling out if I want it to go out. I get to fill her pill boxes. I've been cussed out and called all kinds of names. Oh, and I'm even more tired than I was when she promised to take care of me for the rest of the day. She's in her bedroom considering how terrible it is to be my daughter. She starts with a therapist who is supposedly good with borderline personality disorder on Tuesday. I hope it helps.

Energized

I went to bed exhausted last night, and woke up this morning excited and energized by the memory of all we'd done yesterday. I was talking about perspective and looking at the world through the lens of faith, so I decided this morning that I needed sunglasses for the children's sermon. I stopped at the every thing store on my way to church and bought some star sunglasses party favors. The kids (and adults) loved them. One of the adults wanted to know if he could have a pair-- he's going to use them to promote the study we will be doing during Lent. I don't even want to know how, but I think he's going to be wearing them next Sunday while the memory is still fresh for everyone. Should be interesting.

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Daughter continues to be oppositional. I think she's frustrated that she's not getting a bigger reaction out of me. Being busy and appreciated at the church is a wonderful balance for the struggles with her. I'm so glad we're here in Capital.

Long Day

Today was our board retreat at the church. We were together 7 hours. The morning was spent on team-building exercises and education, and then this afternoon we spent time planning priorities and restructuring to meet those priorities. We combined 2 committees. We are discussing combining two more, but there was one person who was directly involved and didn't think it was a good idea. We are giving him time to reflect on the proposal.

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We decided my priorities for the year are equipping and connecting-- equipping the committees and officers to be more effective in our ministry, and connecting with and getting to know the members, which I am doing through small group gatherings weekly. They also cautioned me on the need to take care of myself and delegate. They are willing to support and help in any way they can. At the end we were talking about positive things to celebrate in the newsletter-- they wanted to celebrate my leadership of them. This group is very responsive to my leadership style. It was a really good day.

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The board's priorities are implementation, communication, and accountability. There are some major changes to be implemented. We talked quite a bit about communication, and are going to put more emphasis on accountability. I'm excited about the plans we made. Very excited.

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Daughter did well at the home of one of the saints, and as a bonus, her husband decided to hitch a ride with me instead of driving separately. That meant I had help with set-up, clean-up, and loading things back into my car.

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I apparently didn't save the work I did on my sermon yesterday, so I'm starting from scratch. On a positive note, I definitely wasn't happy with the work I had accomplished, so it's not all bad. I am exhausted after that long day, though, so I'm not thrilled about starting from scratch. It will be fine. They were still talking about my sermon on evangelism last Sunday. I don't think I'll be able to come up with anything to top that. I think, though, that they will understand that my focus was elsewhere this week.
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Now I'm off to construct a sermon. Hopefully it will be less disjointed than this post....

Busy Week

I didn't realize I hadn't blogged since Tuesday-- it's been busy, to say the least. This has been a week of hearing stories. I am always honored when people share their stories with me, especially the painful ones. It helps me understand them a bit better and builds a connection between us. I heard two stories of abandonment by parents, and one of betrayal by a spouse.

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I spent an evening with two elderly couples getting to know them and eating raspberry pie and drinking tea (all on china, quite elegant). I spent an evening meeting with a board member to make some plans regarding a tricky pastoral situation with a mentally ill member, and working with another board member to finalize plans for our board retreat tomorrow.

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I'm really excited about our plans for the retreat tomorrow. We will spend the morning on education and team building, and the afternoon we will set priorities and make plans for how we're going to do our ministry together this year. Today I realized what my focus has become: equipping the boards and committees to be effective in their ministry.

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Daughter has been frustrated by my busyness, and working overtime on creating drama to get my attention. It hasn't been working, so she keeps escalating. As we drove home tonight I explained that when I have busy weeks, she will get more if she cooperates, and her current strategy just stresses me and pushes me away. Will our conversation make a difference? Hopefully it will for a few days, at least.

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We are in a deep freeze right now. I ordered pizza for supper, and I'm sitting in front of the fireplace relaxing. I struggled with my sermon this afternoon, and am not happy with what I have. I may do a little more work on it, or I may surrender to the thought that it isn't supposed to be written until after our board retreat tomorrow. I need to go to bed early tonight. It's going to be a long day tomorrow, and I'm exhausted. Daughter gets to hang with one of the saints tomorrow-- her husband is going to be at our board retreat, so Daughter will have fun watching chick flicks with her.

Snatching Defeat from the Jaws of Victory

Yesterday Daughter was very proud of herself. Numerous times she commented on how happy she was because she'd made it a good day. I affirmed her, and told her she could make today a good day, too. She went to bed determined to do just that.

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This morning she wasn't up when I got up, so when I finished in the bathroom I told her she could have the bathroom and asked if she was going to have another good day. "I can try." After several more attempts to motivate her to get up, she was still in bed and we were running out of time. She announced she was staying home. I informed her it was icy, so she wouldn't be able to walk anywhere and I would not come back home to get her, so she needed to move. She reluctantly got up and in the shower, and once again I didn't get to work as early as I had hoped.

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I do not understand why she makes mornings so difficult. She was so excited and proud of herself yesterday. After my meeting I took her to a store where she wanted to buy some things. It's frustrating to see her continue to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory.

Lazy Monday

I slept in this morning, which felt wonderful. I let Daughter sleep as late as she wanted, too. We worked on the schedule for the week, and Daughter jumped into her chores. I have completed one valance for my bedroom. I have one more to go, and then I'm done with the curtain project. It hasn't been difficult, but it has been very time consuming and tedious. I like the way they look, though, so it's worth it.

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I'm getting my first estimate on replacement windows tomorrow evening. I knew I was going to need to do it within the next year or two when I bought the house. I'm not sure I want to know how much it is going to cost. This company was going door to door this morning. I will have to check them out and see how they stand with the Better Business Bureau. It will be interesting.

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Now I'm going to see if I can get the other valance done today. It will be good to be done with that project.

Exhaustion

This afternoon I realized that I am exhausted. The first clue was when I backed into the garage door as i was leaving to lead worship at the nursing home. I did some damage to the garage door, but the car seems to be okay. I needed to replace the garage door, and I think it moved up on my priority list. The second clue was when I wasn't interested in a phone conversation with my sisters.

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I'm taking tomorrow off. Well, at least during the day. I have a meeting in the evening. For the foreseeable future, I have commitments at least 3 evenings a week. I'm going to have to work at finding some balance. I was going to see about getting an estimate for a new garage door, and then I realized that I didn't know when I could schedule them to come give me an estimate. I'm hoping things will get easier after the board retreat this Saturday. I suspect it will take more than hope. I'm going to have to set some careful priorities and boundaries.

The Alarm Clock and ODD

When I got up at 5:40 this morning, Daughter was in the bathroom. Her alarm had not yet gone off. I realized that she never gets up with the alarm clock. She either ignores it, or is up before it. I'm thinking that her Oppositional Defiant Disorder is such that she won't listen to the alarm any more than she listens to me.

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She is very happy this morning, and quite proud of herself. As promised, I will take her out to eat after church today. Her life is going to be challenging if she continues to be unable to get up with the alarm. For today, though, I will be grateful that she is up and ready to go before me.

Didn't See that Coming

This morning we needed to be at the church at 10:00 to put Christmas decorations away. I called Daughter twice, the second time a little after 9:00. She'd been in bed by 9:00 last night, so she'd had plenty of sleep. I decided that today was a day she could stay home. I wouldn't have to leave the church to come pick her up, she could stay here until I got done with the grocery shopping and came home.

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I was kind of surprised that she didn't call. I had locked up the electronics and the food, though I knew she had managed to unlock the pantry in the past. I had promised her lunch out this morning if she cooperated, so I decided to drive through and get lunch for myself after the shopping. As I was picking up my food (about 12:25), she finally called. "Hi, Mom. Are you at home?"

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The greeting shocked me a bit. "No, I'm not home. Where are you?"

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"I'm out looking for a job."

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"I'm headed home now, and I think you'd better head home, too."

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She filled out an application in a place of business, brought one application home, and has the website to apply for another place. I doubt she'll get any of the jobs. I have to say, I'm impressed that she had the initiative to walk over half a mile to the businesses. It sounds like she avoided crossing the busy streets, so she was relatively safe. I really didn't see that coming.

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She's drying the dishes I just finished washing. I told her she could earn TV if she was super cooperative this afternoon. She's set that as a goal. I think I'll continue to leave her home if she doesn't get up. I'm done bugging her about it. Maybe eventually she'll actually get a job. Interestingly, on the one application she put that she was only available in the evenings-- she wants to continue in her program.

Too Many Days

I am going to take Monday off. Daughter will be off for the holiday, and as of Sunday, I will have been at the church 8 days in a row. Tomorrow I will be at the church to help put away the Christmas decorations. Next Saturday I will be at the church all day for a board retreat. I'm loving what I'm doing, and am surrounded by possibilities and ideas. I also need a break.

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Daughter did not get up again this morning. She has an appointment with a therapist who has done work with individuals with borderline personality disorder on the 25th. I hope she will help.

Keeping a Straight Face

Sometimes it is hard to keep a straight face when Daughter is telling me something. Yesterday evening was one of those times. She was subdued yesterday, knowing that I was getting tired of her refusal to get up in the morning. She apologized for the morning and I informed her that she needed to show me she was sorry by changing her morning behavior-- I was getting tired of all the apologies.

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So she came out of the bathroom and said, "Mom, I'm going to have to be hospitalized tonight."

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I knew this was going to be good. "Why do you need to be hospitalized?"

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"I'm getting pale."

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It took all the will power I have, but I managed to be compassionate. When I didn't jump all over the pale problem, she added that she'd spent several minutes in the bathroom. I told her I was sorry she didn't feel well, but I didn't think it would be necessary to hospitalize her.

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This morning she was up, showered and dressed by 5:20. We'll leave as soon as we can lock the building this afternoon. I may take her out to supper. Morning cooperation will be rewarded.

More Rejoicing

I met with the building committee this afternoon. It's the first time I've been able to make one of their meetings. As the men began arriving for the meeting, they were stopping in my office to chat, so we ended up having the meeting right here. We have a lot of talent in this congregation. One of the men is a retired building inspector. He had the plans for the heating system and was presenting his theory on the source of a problem.

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They were very open to the things I brought up, and are following through on two suggestions I made. I think they are going to get a programmable thermostat for the sanctuary. It didn't get turned down after worship Sunday, as I discovered as I was walking in there Monday morning.

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Daughter isn't very happy right now. It seems that when I don't get into the office on time in the morning that I have to stay later in the evening. That means supper is later. That means she has less time at home. Is she unhappy enough to get up in the morning without a battle? Probably not. Tomorrow night we have choir. Maybe I'll pack sack suppers for us, and if she doesn't get up in the morning we can just stay here until 9:00 when choir is done. That would make it really hard to get her linens washed and dried. I can be almost as devious as she is.