A Better Evening

Daughter came home and showed genuine remorse. She was truly sorry for hurting me. She hadn't meant to. Gradually the story has come out. Apparently Flasher has been sitting next to her and keeping up a constant line of chatter. Among his topics of conversation:

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Daughter's only problem is Mom, and therefore getting away from me would solve all her problems and make her happy.

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He has been telling her what he wants to do with her in a sexual context. She was quite horrified by his descriptions of what he'd do with fudge sauce.

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Now the good news in all of this is that Flasher is only at the workshop Monday-Wednesday. Even better is the fact that he doesn't have phone privileges, so she can't talk to him when he's not at the workshop.

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She wanted to work tonight. I sent her upstairs and made her use the cleaner I purchased on her mattress. She told me she had a sore on one of her butt cheeks. I told her it was probably from sleeping in urine all night-- it would cause her skin to break down. I'm making her face the consequences of her bed wetting-- and hoping they are substantial enough she will stop doing it.

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She has been extremely affectionate, and told me she needs to be back under my wing, and wants to go back to line of vision supervision.

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We're watching a show off the DVR. Flasher just called. He told Daughter that she can't move in with is Dad, but he knows where there is an apartment she can have. She told him she's not moving out, and broke up with him.

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She wants to stay with me, and hopes we will be moving soon. She also desperately wants to have a boyfriend. Life is hard for her right now. I hope we will be able to get a fresh start in a new community, and that the workshop environment there will be a little less toxic.

I Lost It

This morning was not one of my better mornings. Last night I discovered that the water proof mattress pad I had on Daughter's bed had failed. I had to wake her up at 9:30 to make her bed and take care of her medical needs. It took her until 10:30 to make it. She did manage to get up on her own this morning. Once again she'd wet the bed. She informed me that people like her don't wet the bed when they're in other places, only when they're at home, so it won't be a problem when she moves in with Flasher. I didn't like that response. "I don't deserve the same respect you'd give him?" She told me not to talk to her.

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I reminded her that I have a meeting (interview) tomorrow and she'll be with a respite provider. I said I planned to give them money for lunch out and a movie. She informed me she wouldn't stay for that, and would leave before she'd stay with anyone. She told me that if she did come home today, it would only be to pack and leave again.

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I told her I was sorry she hated me so much that she'd rather live with an abusive boyfriend than me. I wasn't the calm, cool and collected mother who doesn't rise to the bait. As she was leaving she told Cat to leave me alone. I said, "At least he loves me."

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She called me this afternoon when she got on the bus. It was an interesting conversation. She can't spend the weekend with Flasher because he's tied up with Special Olympics basketball. He's still talking to his Dad about moving in with him. She apologized. She promised she'd be cooperative tonight. I asked her if she still thought moving in with Flasher was a good idea. She said her whole heart, soul, and mind thought it was a bad idea. She didn't say though, that she wouldn't do it. The conversation was wearing me out, so I told her we'd talk when she got home. I bought two new water proof mattress pads for her bed, and some cleaner designed for pet messes to see if that will get rid of the terrible odor in her room.

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I'm tired. I spent some extra time in prayer this morning to regain some of my calm. I am a little concerned about the interview tomorrow. I'm very concerned about Daughter. We see Psychiatrist on Tuesday. I find myself wondering about the possibility that this isn't related to meds, and this is what I'm going to be dealing with in the future. When we do move, I hope there will be services and a better culture in the workshop for Daughter. Case Manager has told me that a move is probably the best thing I could do for Daughter right now. The culture in the workshop is toxic to her. There aren't alternatives in this area. God will provide the right position at the right time. I just hope it's soon.

The Rest of the Day

Daughter called me this afternoon with a story about how sick she was and how much she was suffering. Her blood sugar had been on the low side of normal at lunch. She'd fallen in the restroom. She'd started to hyperventilate. I listened, reminded her that she needed to distract herself with music and told her to get her ipod. Then I asked, "Who are you going to call after you move out?" I could tell that shook her up a bit.

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When she got home, I asked her if she wanted close supervision or to practice being independent. She chose independence and immediately decided she was cooking supper. I bit my tongue and worked hard at staying out of the kitchen as she fried canned chicken (yes, cooked canned chicken) and burned potatoes. I reminded her she had to figure out carbs and insulin, which she did a fairly decent job of calculating. She also made pudding, which wasn't supposed to be tapioca.

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I forced myself to eat a little bit, but it was hard with everything cold and shiny with grease. The potatoes were black on the outside and uncooked on the inside. It was bad. Even she acknowledged it was bad. She continues to insist she's moving out. Flasher's dad will handle the cooking.

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She is very withdrawn. I think she's backed herself into a corner and feels trapped. I told her I wouldn't make her move out, and she was welcome to stay here. After supper and trying to wash the dishes, she disappeared upstairs, not to be heard from since. I think she went up and fell asleep. Unfortunately, I'm going to have to wake her up so she can take her night time pills and insulin and check her blood sugar for a bedtime snack. It's too dangerous not to take care of her diabetes before bedtime, or I'd let her sleep. I'm going to remind her that she needs to get herself up in the morning.

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I am somewhat surprised that she has continued to insist she's moving in with Flasher. I didn't think her determination would last through the day. It's going to get harder to patiently wait her out. I don't know what I'll do if she really does try to move out-- that would be scary!

The Latest Scheme

Yesterday Daughter had to be in my line of vision. She still managed to get into food, as she'd hidden a jar of peanut butter in her bedroom. I thought it was interesting that she didn't protest. She was still showing me she's needy, of course. I was working on the computer and Daughter was sitting beside me folding kitchen linen.

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"Mom, call 911."

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"Why?"

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"I just don't feel right and I can't keep my eyes open."

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I'm sorry you're not feeling well. Where's your ipod?"

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"I left it at the workshop."

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I went to itunes on my computer and started one of her favorite albums. She managed to stay awake and fold the laundry without any problem.

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She didn't manage to clean the back porch bathroom, the chore she failed to do the night before. She started hyperventilating and decided she had to go to bed.

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This morning she'd wet the bed again. When she came down for breakfast, I supervised her in the kitchen and then made her bring her food into the living room so I could finish my workout. She was collecting some DVD's to take to the workshop, but I made her put them back. I pointed out that at least one of them was mine, and that she needed to bring her ipod home before she took anything else to the workshop.

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She informed me she would be out of the house by the end of the month. She's going to go live with Flasher and his father.

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"I have concerns about you living with someone who has abused you in the past."

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"I can handle it."

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"You know he'll want to have sex."

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"I'm not stupid."

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"He probably won't like it if you wet the bed with him in it. You might want to practice not wetting the bed."

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silence

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As she was leaving I offered my parting comment. "Have his dad call me so I can tell him what he needs to do to keep you safe."

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As soon as she got on the bus she called Therapist. When I called Therapist later in the morning, the receptionist chuckled when I identified myself. Therapist congratulated me on handling the situation brilliantly. She had been about to call me, in fact.

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Tonight when Daughter gets home, I'm going to offer her two options: she can continue in my line of vision so that I can keep her safe, or she can practice independent living and take care of things on her own. It will be interesting to see what she decides. Right now my strategy is to find the humor and surprise her with my reactions.

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Flasher will not be at the workshop today. He lives with his mom, not his dad. He thinks his dad will let both of them come live with him as they escape the clutches of their evil mothers. Daughter did report him for pinching her yesterday. I wonder if that was before or after they made plans to move in together....

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Ponderings

Daughter has become exceptionally skilled at sneaking food. I find myself wondering if she is testing my ability to keep her safe. I think for a while I'm going to require her to be within my line of vision. This is exhausting, but maybe it will provide her with the sense of safety she is needing right now.

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I have spent the day working on my sermon for this Sunday. Some of the people from the church I'm talking to right now will be in worship on Sunday, so I'm stressing a bit more than usual. The challenge with starting this sermon this early in the week is that I find my mind running in hundreds of different directions. It's hard to find the focus I need with so much time ahead.

Enduring

Right now I feel like we are enduring until the new med gets up to therapeutic levels. Daughter wet the bed last night, but she was up early this morning and when she woke me up at 6:13 she was showered and dressed with the wet stuff in a laundry basket. After a hyper morning, we're having a depressed evening. She hates herself. She can't stop thinking about the lies she told. God will never forgive her. She needs to go to the hospital.

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She didn't report Flasher, though she says she did talk to him about it. He claims he was playing around. She says he apologized. I again expressed concern for her safety with him. She says she's afraid to break up with him.

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I think the desire for the hospital is a desire to run away from the mess she has created. I'm not taking her to the hospital. I am watching her closely. I am learning patience as I wait for her moods to level out some and her to regain a grasp on reality.

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At supper tonight her blood sugar had gone up 30 points from what it was when she got home. "Anything you want to tell me?"

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"No."

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"Are you going to just tell me and get it over with, or are you going to wait until I figure out what is missing?"

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"I was into the chopped dates. But there are still some left."

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"Go get them."

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It's a start-- she told me the truth with only a little prompting.

Reality

Daughter is having a very difficult time with reality right now. It seems that every other word out of her mouth is a lie. She lied about how much work she'd accomplished at the workshop today. She came home and told me that Flasher was doing better. Translation: she didn't break up with him. On the way to see Therapist, she told me she was afraid to break up with him, because he might hurt her. I told her that was a big concern, if she was afraid he would hurt her, and a definite reason to end the relationship.

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She told Therapist that Flasher pinched her 4 times today. She's going to go in tomorrow and tell the boss. Therapist and I don't believe her. We've told her that. She insists it's the truth. She may have talked herself into thinking this story is true. Therapist thinks she just needs to experience the logical consequences of her tall tales, and then she'll learn. I pointed out that she won't learn. Therapist acknowledged she'll probably have to go through it several times.

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It could be months before she's stable on the new med. It will be a very long few months. Trying to figure out what is real and what is fantasy is exhausting.

Reflections

I had two things I needed to have written for this morning: a sermon for today, and a meditation for an upcoming Wednesday evening Lenten service. I was really procrastinating on them, and I finally figured out why. The Wednesday evening meditation was closely connected to what I've been going through with Daughter. Once I finally did it, I found it helpful. I'm still processing the implications of what I read and wrote, but I want to share my reflections up until now.

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During Lent, our Wednesday evening services are based on Max Lucado's book Fearless. I was working on the meditation on The Fear of Disappointing God. As he talked about how our shame causes us to be afraid and leads to more sin which leads to more shame and fear, I recognized Daughter's downward spiral. Lucado points out that when Jesus heals the paralytic, he tells him not to be afraid, his sins are forgiven. He talks about how Jesus came to seek the lost sheep. He talks about the light of God's love.

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I began to reflect on light. We've all seen the old movies where the cops put the suspects in a chair and then shine a bright light on his face. The cops stand in the shadow and push the suspect, asking lots of questions. The suspect is supposed to be afraid, supposed to feel threatened. Too often I think this is what we fear it will be like to come into the light and stand before God.

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I was trying to think of a time when light is comforting. I began to think of a young child who has awakened from a nightmare, or is frightened of the dark. When the child cries out, a parent comes and turns on the light and offers comfort and reassurance. The child is soothed and feels safe. I remember one night being terrified of shadows in my room. My parents came in and showed me what was causing the shadows and that it was nothing to fear. I was able to sleep peacefully.

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I contrasted that to what I know of Daughter's early childhood. In the termination of parental rights case her brother testified that when Daughter would cry at night, their father would go in and back hand her. When she first came to me, she didn't make noise when she cried. I remember one night she'd fallen asleep in my office and I woke her up to go home. When I told her I was taking her home, tears began to roll down her face. She wasn't making a sound. It was chilling. I told her we were going home to see the kitty cat, and she brightened up. I realized she thought I had been talking about returning her to her family. From then on, I always talked about going home to the cat.

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Daughter's earliest memories of fear and the light coming on are not memories of comfort, they are memories of pain. I find myself pondering if this is why it is so frightening for her to face her sins. Daughter didn't learn that she could find comfort in her fear. Another memory: I was accompanying Daughter and her birth mother for a doctor's appointment. Birth mother took Daughter back to have her blood drawn. They had trouble finding a vein, and Daughter, who was 3, came out crying. Birth mother came out crowing about how Daughter was just like her, and they had trouble finding her veins, too. She wasn't touching Daughter. She wasn't comforting her. I was the one who offered Daughter comfort.

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Does Daughter remember these things? She couldn't tell you about them. But she learned on the most basic level that light during the night brings danger, not comfort. She learned that parents can't be trusted to provide her comfort. That parents can't be trusted. We were talking about it again yesterday. Something came up where it was obvious that she didn't trust me. She was apologetic. "It's hard to trust, I just can't do it." She's been with me for almost 20 years. The damage done in those first three years can never be completely healed.

Overcoming Inertia

Last Saturday I didn't accomplish much, so I was determined that today would be different. I also decided I wasn't going to react to Daughter. I got up and made her favorite breakfast, and she "didn't hear" me yell that breakfast was ready. Of course, she told me that Kitten heard me and was trying to make her get up. Yup, that makes sense.

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Anyway, I called her a couple of times, and when she didn't come I ate breakfast and put the leftovers away. When she finally came downstairs I went ahead and warmed up some breakfast. I think she was shocked and pleased that I didn't make her eat oatmeal since she ignored my shouts. It's about grace-- something none of us deserve. I think she was shocked that I didn't try to force her to get up. I spent the morning in the kitchen, cooking and cleaning. I'm making chili today. I have 4 pounds of dry pinto beans cooking on the stove and 4 1/2 pounds of seasoned ground turkey, onion, and green chilies in the refrigerator waiting for the beans to finish cooking. Most of the chili will go in the freezer-- some will be used with the tamales I made and froze. Some I'll put in portion size containers with macaroni, and we'll have chili-mac we can use for lunches.

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When Daughter finished eating, I asked her to put away the clean dishes. It took her forever, of course, but I intentionally didn't watch her so I wouldn't get frustrated. I pulled out my ipod and have been listening to sermon podcasts this morning. Listening to the sermon podcasts always is energizing and renewing.

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I talked to Nurse at Psychiatrist's office yesterday. Psychiatrist wants Daughter off the Depakote and is starting her on Trileptal. Nurse called in a prescription right after I got home from Town on terrible roads. This morning I woke up to a 4 foot snow drift against the garage door, but that has now been cleared, so we may make a run to Town today to pick up the prescription. Before we go to town, though, I need to get some work done on the sermon for tomorrow. Hopefully it will continue to be a productive day.

Five Days

They made it five days on time before the return of the bus delay this morning. Daughter and I couldn't figure out why the delay, but when I headed into town to take communion, I understood. The snow is blowing and the country roads are bad. I was on state routes all the way, and if I hadn't been meeting someone I think I would have turned around and come home. After taking communion to two nursing homes and stopping by the pharmacy and grocery store, I headed home, and the roads were even worse. As I drove slowly along I kept reminding myself that I saw a robin on Tuesday. Spring must be coming, because I saw a robin on Tuesday. Of course, the robins may all be frozen in a snow drift by the time spring gets here, but I did see one.

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On to more positive things. Our Wednesday night Lenten services are going well. We had more people here this past Wednesday than the week before. For the last hymn, we sang, "If I Were a Butterfly." This congregation isn't thrilled about learning new music, and it was an older group, so I wasn't sure how they'd respond to singing a kid's song. I chose it because it went so well with the theme for the evening. I don't know why I was worried. They loved it.

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I've recruited 2 young adult brothers to play the roles of the prodigal son and the older brother in worship on March 14th. I'll sit down with them and pick their brains, and then write a dialogue reflecting on the parable of the prodigal son. They will do a good job. I'm looking forward to working with them on it. We have been experimenting with different ways of Proclaiming the Word in worship, and the congregation loves these creative proclamations. I really enjoy coming up with the creative ideas and working with people to make them a reality.

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Daughter called around lunch time. She was working on a letter to Flasher about what had happened. Interestingly, she seemed to be more upset about the fact that he'd lied to her (it's been 2 days and his buddies haven't shown up) than the threat of sending people who were ready to be violent. Still, it's progress.

Escalating

Yesterday evening Daughter refused to do anything. She was obviously distressed about something, and I was obviously fed up. Not a good combination. Anyway, I finally lost my patience and yelled at her, pointing out (in more colorful language than I normally use) that I was behind on laundry because I was having to wash her linens every day because she was too lazy to get up at night to use the bathroom. (Interestingly, she didn't wet the bed last night.)

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This morning she came downstairs and was obviously wanting to turn it around and be responsible. I suggested a good way to start would be to tell me the truth about what had gone on with Flasher yesterday. Sigh. Apparently she has convinced him that I am so mean and unreasonable that he is planning to send his friends to come rescue her from this house. They will bring a gun and dogs and not leave until Daughter is safely out of my clutches. I asked her if she thought she'd be safer with Flasher. She told me several times in several different ways that she doesn't know what to think or believe any more.

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After she left, I called and left messages for both Case Manager and Therapist. I'm not worried about Flasher sending his friends to take care of me. He is all talk. I am concerned that someday Daughter may convince the wrong people of how evil I am. CM called me back. I shared the story. She shared my concern, and we decided if I didn't hear from Therapist by noon, I'd call again and see whether she was in the office today.

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So I was sitting over in the church office fighting with the computer. We were having a lively disagreement with one another on the placement of graphics in the newsletter. I think the computer had been taking lessons from Daughter, because it was becoming increasingly unreasonable. Case Manager called. Daughter had informed staff that I held her down last night and took a knife and cut her behind her knees. An inspection by the nurse showed there were no cuts, only dry skin. I told Case Manager to call Therapist, she did, and reached her using the emergency instructions. Therapist headed over to the workshop to assess Daughter.

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Therapist checked in with me, and told me I should keep my lunch date with a colleague, but it might be good to pack a bag for Daughter. I called and pushed my lunch date back by 30 minutes so I could win the battle with computer. Computer escalated again by messing with the address labels, but I made it to my lunch date only a few minutes late and with the computer beat into submission. At least I can still convince computer to do what I tell it.

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Therapist called me to tell me Daughter didn't meet the criteria for hospitalization (I suggested she could hospitalize me). Daughter told the story because she was mad at me for yelling at her. She was to apologize to all the people she'd told the lie. Daughter assured Therapist she had no intention of hurting herself or me. Daughter promised to let us know if she needed to be hospitalized. (She called me to tell me she did, and I told her she couldn't run away from her problems, and I knew it was uncomfortable, and we'd talk about whether she needed to go to the hospital when she got home.) Therapist scolded me for deciding not to go to the retreat Sunday afternoon.

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Case Manager called me. Daughter has apologized, and CM thinks they've convinced her she doesn't need to go to the hospital. CM said that Daughter is only part of the drama in the workshop right now, and that Boss is going to meet with everyone today and tell the to cut the drama and focus on their work. CM is escaping to Vegas tomorrow. We chose someone to be the point person on Daughter until CM gets back. Since Daughter is sticking by her story on Flasher, they are going to talk to him to hear his version of the story and explain to him that he can't make threats like that.

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I called Psychiatrist and talked to Nurse. I'm going to increase Daughter's Depakote tonight. Nurse will talk to Psychiatrist tomorrow (Psychiatrist was gone for the day.) I had hoped we'd be able to get Daughter off some of her meds, and was pleased that we were reducing the Depakote. I've surrendered. She needs the meds. I just hope that beginning to increase it will get her stable.

Today's Tall Tale

Daughter called me when she got on the bus to come home. She sounded down. "How was your day?"

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"It was terrible."

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"What made it terrible?"

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"I had to spend the day in hiding."

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"Who were you hiding from?"

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"Flasher."

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"What happened?"

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"He said he's getting two of his very good friends and sending them down here to hurt me."

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"Why is he doing that?"

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"I don't know."'

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"I hope this means you're through giving him a second chance. You are safe here, and no one is going to come here and hurt you. It won't happen."

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"He said they were bringing weapons."

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"You're safe. Nobody is going to hurt you here. I won't allow it."

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She got off the bus and is sleeping on the living room sofa. I will probably never know what really happened today. If we were still living in the inner city, I might be a bit concerned about the threats, but Flasher doesn't have any friends with the means or inclination to drive the 12 miles here to Tiny Village to do Flasher's bidding and hurt Daughter.

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I hope this means she's through with boy friends for a few weeks, at least.

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Case Manager checked out Daughter's story about the fight yesterday. Daughter finally backed down and admitted she was mad at the other girl, who had hurt her by some things she'd said, and was trying to hurt her back. Case Manager again cautioned her about the danger of false accusations.

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One of the reasons Daughter chose to go to the workshop today was because she thought they'd have their first work of the week. It didn't come in until the end of the day, so she was on down time all day. I suspect she's frustrated that she missed the senior luncheon and then didn't have the work she'd anticipated. I need to get her out of her pity poor me mode before we go over to the church tonight. I don't want her finding a sympathetic audience for her stories.

The Return of Routine

This was the 4th day in a row the bus was running on time for the workshop. Daughter chose to go to the workshop today rather than stay home to help with the senior luncheon, which surprised me. I think we are both grateful to see life becoming more predictable. The past two days have been wonderful days for me in ministry. Yesterday, after getting worship plans to Secretary for Wednesday and Sunday, I took communion two places. I had wonderful conversation with people in both settings. As I was leaving, one woman grabbed my hand and whispered, "I love you so much." I had arranged to take communion while she had family visiting from the other side of the country. It was a blessing to be able to share communion with them. I love her family, and because of funerals I've done have formed a connection with these people who live a very long way from here.

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We had a number of new people attend our senior luncheon today, which was wonderful. With that group, we are continually losing people to nursing homes or death, so we're always pleased when someone new shows up. I had made ham loaf and cheesy potatoes. They loved the ham loaf, and want me to put the recipe in the newsletter. These folks like the basic comfort foods, and I suspect they don't make ham loaf at home. It was something they had requested when we asked for menu suggestions last fall. One of our people made cheese cakes, which were wonderful. I think everyone ate too much. I washed the dishes and then left as they were beginning to play white elephant bingo, something they always enjoy. One woman had explained to me that she was making a real sacrifice, and she really didn't consider what she'd brought to be a white elephant gift. I told her it looked to be the size of a box of chocolates. She grinned. I suggested that maybe she could win it back.

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I always enjoy visiting with the seniors, and I think they were all hungry for the fellowship after several weeks of bad weather. It is snowing today, and I was afraid that might hurt our attendance, but they weren't going to let a little snow stop them today. I have 2 new names to add to our mailing list.. We send postcards out to announce the menu and program for the luncheons.

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Tonight we have a Lenten supper and worship at the church. It will be another good evening of fellowship and worship with people I love. I love being a pastor, even when I have to write a newsletter, which is my project for the rest of the afternoon.

A Champion Sneak

If Daughter applied her ingenuity to something constructive, there would be no stopping her. Some examples from a one hour time period today:

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She came home from work and claimed she was in a fight at the workshop. She says she got kicked and her ankle was injured. Interestingly, she didn't bring home an incident report and I didn't get a phone call. I doubt there was a fight.

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She was supposed to be putting her linens (yes, she wet the bed last night) into the dryer. It was too quiet. I went to investigate and she was on her way to her bedroom. By the time I got upstairs, she was standing there, the picture of innocence. She finally pulled a jar of low sugar grape jelly and a spoon out from under her bed.

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I have been impressed, because she has been taking the clean laundry upstairs right away without me bugging her. I've watched her walk by me carrying the basket with clothes on hangers hanging over the edges. It turns out that she was hanging up my clothes and occasionally a few of hers. She was wadding up the rest of the clothes and dumping them on the floor of her closet. I hadn't inspected her closet floor because I saw her taking proper care of the clean clothes (shows how much I know).

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I was making supper and the recipe called for saltine crackers. I couldn't find the plastic container of saltines. I was puzzled. When I was upstairs to get the jelly, I had double checked her other hiding places. Turns out she's found a new one in the upstairs TV room.

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She finally admitted why her blood sugar was high before supper yesterday. While she was getting some of her sugar free drink, she also helped herself to a large quantity of milk (drunk straight from the container. She's upstairs cleaning her bedroom properly. I've told her if she completes her chores, we'll watch a show we have on DVR.

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I'm not going to go on the retreat. There isn't time to adequately train staff people to handle Daughter. We're going to rewrite Daughter's ISP (individual service plan) to make her needs clearer.

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I will have respite for the following Saturday while I go to an interview. I'm telling Daughter I have a meeting. I hope that will make it easier if this is another church that doesn't come through.

Arrgh!

Daughter agreed to give Flasher another chance. She agreed to be his girlfriend. Case Manager, Therapist and I are not thrilled. She's not listening to any of us, of course. Since I won't transport her to see him and he's not allowed in our home, not much is going to happen. I told her it wasn't fair to Flasher. She just is determined she has to have a boyfriend. Anytime the boyfriend wants more than friendship, she panics.

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After her appointment with Therapist she came home and jumped on her chores. At least I can celebrate that.

Finally

The bus picked Daughter up on time this morning. Daughter called at lunch time, and she sounded chipper. I'd told her to call so that I could tell her what time I'd pick her up for her appointment with Therapist. She finally got to see Flasher, and said it was okay. She has been dreading his return for over 2 weeks, but due to weather today was the first day he was there.

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She wet the bed last night. Today's carrot is that if she does what she is supposed to do, we'll play with the wii tonight. She is now on track to get her DVD player back tomorrow evening. She's back to wanting it back. That's good.

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Case Manager called as soon as she got my email this morning. Supervisor is frustrated, because she trains staff and explains repeatedly what they need to do with Daughter, but they don't follow through. It looks like she won't be able to arrange respite so I can go to the retreat. I knew it was short notice. We'll see.

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Throughout this Lenten season, worship is focusing on the foundations of the faith. We're building the foundation, and yesterday the theme was remembering. One of our women painted some large cardboard boxes as the building blocks of our foundation. Only problem was, I got out into worship and realized I'd left the remembering block in the office. One of the board members went and got it for me. Of course, the board is giving me a very hard time about the fact I couldn't remember the remembering block.

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I heard from the church I've been talking to this morning. I'm one of two people they are considering. I'll go meet them and then they'll come here me preach. I should know something before Easter. As soon as the committee shows up in worship, people here will know I'm looking to move. I'd rather have the committee come here, though, than waste another of my few Sunday's off going elsewhere to preach for them. I also don't want to leave my people here during Lent. That's going to be a long time of uncertainty for Daughter (and me).

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God will provide the right place at the right time. Patience is one of the hardest lessons God teaches us.

Adapting

I'm always trying new ways of reaching Daughter. This morning was another fresh approach. When she woke up (and she didn't wet the bed last night!), I asked her what her goal was for the day. She wanted to go shopping. I asked for her list from yesterday, and came up with a task list. If she did her daily jobs (bedroom, cat boxes, helping with laundry), cleaned the half bath, and helped me clean the living room, we'd go to town after I finish with my 3:00 and 4:00 meetings.

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She looked over the list, and said, "Looks fair."

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She's working her list, pausing every so often to marvel, "I'm doing it, I'm being responsible!" I am praising her progress.

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We'll start every morning this week by naming a goal, and deciding how she can achieve that goal. I will post a calendar with the week's menu and a schedule of my evening commitments and her appointments.

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I will pray very hard that the buses are running and on time all week! I asked the kids during the children's sermon this morning if they were ready for a full week of school on time. There was a no. I asked them if there parents were ready for them to have a full week of school on time. Their yes was even louder, much to the amusement of the congregation.

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I have a youth group event next Sunday afternoon. I recruited a mom to take my place so I can go to the clergy women's retreat. So far, it's been a good day. I hope I didn't just jinx it!

Why I Get Frustrated

Daughter was running the vacuum in the dining room. This was the 4th task and would get her her half hour of TV. Two more tasks and we'd be headed to town. I told her to call me to come check her work before she put the chairs back under the table. It was obvious she had missed several areas, and I pointed them out to her. She argued not that she'd done it, but that cat hair was impossible to see. I left and she ran the vacuum some more. She put the chairs back under the table. I went and checked. Again, she'd missed the same spot. I moved the chair and grabbed the vacuum and in one swipe got rid of the cat hair. She was mad. I asked if this was the way she cleaned when she went out on a cleaning crew from the workshop. "No, then I do the cleaning properly."

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"So why don't you do it properly at home?"

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She even admitted that she had never run the vacuum over the place I had pointed out to her-- even after I pointed it out. She was becoming increasingly belligerent, so I finally told her to go to her room until she was ready to do her work properly. She started making phone calls-- seeking to get away from her unreasonable Mom. She came downstairs and was frustrated that I wouldn't let her go out with friends to deal with her stress. I pointed out that she hadn't completed her work. She insisted she was back down the deep hole and couldn't get out.

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She went and got her plan for the day. I pointed out that I had cut down the work that she had originally proposed. I pointed out how close she'd come to completing it. She did complete two more tasks and watched some TV with me.

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She is really struggling right now. I wish there was a way I could help her find stability. I have some ideas on how I'm going to work with her on expressing her desires for the day in the morning. Maybe if she can verbalize her needs first think in the morning, she won't need to be so manipulative and call wolf.

Do Over

Daughter came downstairs this morning and said we had to go to town today. When I asked why, she informed me she wanted to get stuff to make BLT's. I told her that the tomatoes we could get at this time of year weren't good for BLT's. Then she began spinning a tale of how sick she was-- she was literally burning up inside, and talked about how many people had been coming to the workshop sick.

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I pointed out that she'd gone from healthy enough to go to town to dying in very short order. I suggested that she was like the little boy who cried wolf, and that maybe the issue was she wanted some attention from me. She acknowledged I might have a point. I told her to go back upstairs and think about how she wanted to begin her day, then come back down and start over again. She didn't like that idea at all, of course, but I wouldn't engage her further, so she disappeared upstairs.

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She came back down, and we decided she'd come up with a plan and we'd negotiate how we'd handle the day. She is working now. When she completes 4 tasks, she gets to watch 30 minutes of TV. After completing an additional 2, we'll go to the grocery store. She's working on the 4th task right now.

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I received a packet of information about the church and community I've been talking to yesterday. It's a small town, but has much more to offer culturally than Tiny Village and even Town have. There are all kinds of art and music lessons available at an arts center. I was deciding which ones I'd want to take.

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Therapist told me that the man who called her for the reference check was quite excited about the resources that would be available for Daughter in their community. I'm cautiously excited, but there have been too many disappointments to start packing yet. I know that God will provide the right place at the right time.

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I think I'm looking forward to a fresh start as much as Daughter is. Even though I know this may not come through, I'm finding it harder to stay engaged here in Tiny Village. I think I need an attitude adjustment. Maybe that clergy women's retreat will provide just that.

One More Time

I have repeatedly explained that Daughter's psychological issues are her biggest handicap, and what needs to be done to help her feel safe. Yesterday was not the first time that the staff member assigned to care for Daughter has not done the things necessary to keep Daughter safe. One came and claimed to have no knowledge of Daughter's diabetic needs. She was accompanying Daughter to a Special Olympics event. I was not happy, to say the least. I don't think she's employed by them anymore.

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Anyway, I recognize that this retreat would be a wonderful gift for me, and that I need it. So, I sent this note to the woman who handles scheduling today, and also to her boss and Daughter's Case Manager. They have had some aides who have worked well with Daughter, but it has been very uneven. There is a liability issue for them, so I suspect that my note will prompt some scurrying and additional training for anyone who is going to be working with Daughter. At least I hope that is the case.

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Supervisor,

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I thought I was pretty clear that Daughter could not be left unsupervised in the kitchen. It was in the email, and I mentioned it to Aide a couple of times before I left last night. Daughter was alone in the kitchen, she got into food, and her blood sugar was 237 at bedtime, which is high. Beyond the damage the high blood sugars do to her body, there is an emotional issue.

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Safety is Daughter's number one need. With any staff person she is going to test to see if this individual can be manipulated. She's going to test to see if the person will keep her safe, especially from herself. If the individual flunks the test, Lena will not feel safe, and she will begin to spiral out of control.

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Not only did Daughter eat, she lied to Aide about having completed her chores, and Aide didn't check to see if she was being honest. One look at the bathroom when I got home showed that the sink, toilet, and floor had not been touched with any kind of cleaning product. She supposedly did the kitchen floor, but there was still dried mud on the floor.

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I would very much like to attend a retreat for women pastors at the end of the month. I really could use the break. However, if staff comes in and allows Daughter to manipulate them, she will be back in her downward spiral, which often leads to her cutting herself. Even with the knives locked up, she figures out ways to hurt herself.

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This is about Daughter having her psychological needs taken care of at all times. Her psychological issues are her biggest issues. She has to feel safe. She has to know who ever is with her is not going to allow her to manipulate them.

Now I'd like to get services for Sunday afternoon, February 28, (from about 1:00) through Tuesday morning, March 2 (until she gets on the bus). Is there staff available, and how do we assure that Lena gets the supervision she needs to keep her safe?

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Thanks,

RM

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Daughter came home spinning a tale about sexual harassment at the workshop. I told her what I thought was going on, and she acknowledged that she wasn't being completely honest. We then got down to the fact that she's feeling pretty bad about herself right now because of the choices she made last night. She thinks she's in the hole deeper than ever. I suggested she'd fallen back a couple of steps, but this time she knew how to stop it before she got in too deep. She's gone upstairs to take care of some of the things she needs to do-- at least I hope that's what she's doing. I found food in her bedroom again today, and I also discovered she'd lied to me about taking a shower this morning. She was definitely on her way back down. I just hope she is going to turn it around now....