Thursday, April 16, 2009

Too Laid Back?

I just got off the phone with Case Manager. Daughter had been in her office to tell her about almost being raped last Friday. Case Manager was alarmed. I hadn't been particularly alarmed. I guess it takes quite a bit to get me riled up these days. Unless it has to do with mismanaging Daughter's diabetes. Then I get riled up quickly.
Last Friday a couple of Daughter's buddies called and wanted to come over and hang out. I said it was okay, and allowed them to go upstairs into the TV room. I figured that not much could happen with the three of them together. They were all upstairs for a little while, and then D came downstairs and was putting on his shoes and talking to me. A few minutes later, D and R decided to leave. I asked Daughter about it, and she said they hadn't had lunch yet so they were going to get lunch.
The next day she told R had been touching her like J did. I listened, but wasn't too concerned. I told her she'd done a good job of keeping herself safe, and she was fine. I also pointed out that since they were going together, he probably thought it was okay to touch her. I also pointed out that his last girl friend had been rather promiscuous. I told her I was proud of her. She seemed satisfied.
A couple of days later, she said she needed to talk to me. She wanted to call R's mom and tell her what had happened. Apparently, R isn't allowed to have a girl friend. I told her it wasn't her job to tattle. Then she told me that there had been more that had gone on that she hadn't told me. She said she'd almost been raped. Knowing Daughter's tendency to exaggerate and be overly dramatic, I wasn't too concerned. I finally figured out that R had exposed himself to her. At that point she had told him it was time for him to leave. They left not because they were hungry, but because Daughter kicked them out.
I had no idea anything was going on. It all happened very quietly. I again assured Daughter that she had handled it well and kept herself safe. I was amazed that she hadn't been acting out as a result of what had happened, and viewed that as progress. I also decided that I need to provide better supervision in the future. Just because there are three of them doesn't mean nothing can happen.
R is now history, of course. Daughter has moved onto J. According to Case Manager, J is experienced, too. I doubt that this one will last any longer than her others. I think Case Manager was amazed at how unconcerned I was about what happened. Before Daughter has one on one time with the next guy, I will help her come up with some ideas about how to set clear boundaries. I really feel sorry for the guys. Daughter is still overly sensitive to anything sexual. It isn't their doing, it's the fault of the family members who molested her when she was a toddler.
I will continue to be laid back. All of these relationships are going to be short and will end at the first sign of anything sexual-- like a simple kiss. Eventually, she'll have run through all the available guys at the workshop. Maybe she'll figure out that it's okay not to have a guy. Or maybe she'll meet one who will take it slow and she'll be able to work through her fears. It's out of my hands, and I've got plenty of other things to worry about.


Carol E. said...

When my daughter was young she was very accident prone. One time we arrived at an event to pick her up, and she had been hit in the head with a softball. She had a big owie on her forehead and was herself quite alarmed. But I was so used to her having every imaginable injury that I was very calm. The other parents around were quite surprised (probably judging me for my lack of sympathy). We did take her to the doctor, but I just didn't do the panic routine they expected. Anyway, that's my long way of saying, 'good for you to know which things are crises and which are not.' Other people won't be able to understand, but you do. You're the mom!

Reverend Mom said...

Thanks, Carol.
Daughter wants to have her new boyfriend over this weekend. I've told her not this weekend. She may be ready to jump right back in, but I'm not. I guess it did bother me some....