After two days of acting out, being difficult, and expressing a desire to die, I asked Daughter last night how she was thinking about S (birth brother J's daughter). She looked at me with great exasperation and said, "A lot.".
She told me it should be against the law to split up families. I told her it is against the law to do to children the things that those people did to her.
Then I got rather brutal. She was removed from that home prior to the age of 3. She had been repeatedly molested during her time with them by all the male members of her family. I pointed out to her that when she had talked to E (birth mother) 2 years ago, she had commented that she sounded like a child. I explained that that was the reason E couldn't be her mother, because she was like a child, and had been unable to protect Daughter. I told her because E is so much like a child, she doesn't understand the current reality. I told her that E was wrong about S looking exactly like Daughter. I reminded her that E wasn't around her when she was that age, and so she didn't know what Daughter had looked like. I told her I had been around her, and that the only similarities were that S and Daughter were both girls with brown skin. She quickly added, "and brown eyes and black hair." I agreed, and pointed out there are millions of girls who fit that description. I told her that E wanted S to look like her so that E could do with S the things she hadn't been able to do with Daughter.
I pointed out that S was safe, because S's mom had been smart enough to divorce J. I told her she could pray for S. I told her she wasn't responsible for S. I told her that J, E, R and S were no longer her family, because they didn't know how to be a family. I asked her if she remembered what had happened last time she had even limited contact with E. She did, and acknowledged that she didn't want to go through that again (3 psych hospitalizations in less than 2 months). I told her that if she wanted to focus on a little girl, think about her cousin. At first she was belligerent, but the more I talked, the more her mood lightened. When I reminded her about her cousin, she actually smiled.
She slept last night. She stayed home today to help with the senior luncheon, and has commented a couple of times about how much better she is doing today. She is being cooperative and helpful. Her mood is much lighter. She is not expressing any desire to die. She is not sleeping every chance she gets to escape the pain she's in. I suppose the improvement could be a result of the increase in her lithium and depakote a week ago, but I think more of it has to do with my brutal rejection of any connection with or responsibility for the people who made her first 3 years a living hell.
I'm sorry she can't have a relationship with them, but any relationship is entirely too destructive for her. I'm not even going to tell her maybe she'll be able to be in contact with them someday. I don't want to think about what contacting them again would do to her. Psychiatrist told her she could talk about renewing contact after she'd gone a year without hearing voices. I don't think that will ever happen. I wish it would, but I don't see it happening. So I brutally told her she had no connection with them, and for today, she is at peace.