Monday, April 27, 2009

In Black and White

I received the order for the lithium and depakote levels in the mail from Psychiatrist today. Actually, it was her nurse that wrote out the order. Under diagnosis it was written quite clearly: schizoaffective disorder. Now this possibility has been thrown around for the last 8 years or so, but the two psychiatrists she's had long term have both sought to reassure me that they really thought we were just seeing severe Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I guess it doesn't make much difference what is causing her to become psychotic, whether it's PTSD or something else, but it was jarring to see it written out there in black and white.
I keep hoping she'll heal. I keep hoping she'll find stability. I think it's time to change my hopes. I think I'll celebrate that I recognized the mania early this time, so we were able to get on top of it more quickly. I'll celebrate the fact that she's recognizing that her reactions to me are not always rational, and that she needs to work on that. I'll celebrate the fact that there are medications that can help control the symptoms, and that we like Psychiatrist. I'll celebrate the fact that Therapist looks beyond the label and genuinely likes and cares about Daughter.
I'll celebrate those things. I'll give thanks that I work in a field where I can rearrange my schedule to transport her to her various doctors. No matter what the label, I will always love her. It was just disturbing to see it written out in black and white.

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