Text Drama

I had an all day gathering of the regional church today.  I had explained this to Daughter.  Some members were picking her up to take her bowling with the church this evening. 

As I was on my way home from the meeting, I received a text from Daughter.  I didn't open it, but saw enough scrolling across the top of the screen to know she'd been into food again. 

When I got home, I read the text.  She wanted me to come get her TV and DVD's and sell them for retirement.  She'd made a mistake again.  She was going to kill herself after bowling.  No, she'd go ahead and skip bowling and kill herself immediately. 

I decided I needed to call her.  I asked if she was feeling better.  She said she was.  I did not ask for details.  She said she'd been caught by the fill-in staff person who is there this weekend.  I reminded her that she can control what she eats.  I left it at that. 

It will be interesting to see how Home Owner and Case Manager react.  I think they are convinced they've cured her of taking food at the house.  You can't control her eating, and if you try, she will do everything she can to prove you can't. 

The meeting today was good.   I sat with Sister Best Friend.  She was wearing my old clothes, and I was wearing her old clothes.  Friday Night Fun last night was good.  However, I did not get a day off this week.  I'm going to check with commitee leaders tomorrow to see if they need me at their meetings Monday night.  I don't think either committee has anything that requires my presence. 

Relief

Last night I emailed Home Owner and thanked her for the information.  I asked 2 questions.  She responded this morning.  She agreed to begin including information on Daughter's bedtime snacks on the blood sugar log.  She acknowledged Daughter's feet are healthy and she doesn't need to go back to the podiatrist for a year.  She told me to let her know when I decide to adjust the insulin.  I'm relieved. 

In a little while I pick up Daughter to go help in our monthly children's ministry program.  After it's over, I will take her back home and then pick her up for worship Sunday morning.  She's not complaining this week-- at least yet.  I'm grateful. 

Progress

When I dropped Daughter off this evening, staff came running out to the car to give me an envelope.  Inside were blood sugar records, the report from the podiatrist, and a note saying here they are, let me know if you have any questions.  I am glad I finally have the blood sugar records, though they don't provide all the information I need.  There is no indication as to what time the tests were actually done, and the column for information on her bedtime snack is completely blank.  Still, it is progress, and I am grateful. 

An Email

The dietitian on Daughter's team emailed me privately today to tell me she thought I was doing a fine job managing Daughter's diabetes, and didn't think she should be seeing an endocrinologist.  She agreed that going to one would more likely complicate things.  I still have not heard a word from Home Owner.  Case Manager has gone silent, too. 

My prediction:  Case Manager is desperately looking for someplace to move Daughter.  I'm trying not to think about it. 

Ignored, Again

Yesterday I requested that Home Owner send me blood sugars regularly and stated the importance of allowing sufficient time between the supper time and bedtime blood sugar checks.  I received no response, of course.  There was a long email to the team outlining all the wonderful work she was doing with Daughter. 

I had not said this to the entire team, but I decided that since she was ignoring the emails I was sending to her, maybe if I replied to the entire team, she would respond.  So I wrote an email (which I had Administrative Assistant read to make sure I wasn't being ugly-- though I'm not sure how effective that was, as she thinks I should be ugly) stating that since Daughter is unreliable, it was important that I get reliable records of her blood sugars.  I said they could be scanned and emailed, faxed, or given to Daughter to deliver on Thursday or Sunday.  I again said it was important that the bedtime blood sugar check was at least 2 hours after she finished supper.  I said that from Daughter's reports, she seemed to be running high at bedtime. 

I acknowledged that there were those who thought I should be taking Daughter to an endocrinologist, and told them I'd consulted with her Primary Care Physician on this question.  I also reminded them I'd successfully managed Daughter's diabetes for a number of years. 

Her day program asked if I would like their blood sugar records.  Case Manager called me.  She was concerned that I had to defend my decision not to take Daughter to an endocrinologist.  She wanted to know what my concerns were.  So I outlined the fact that my emails were not being answered.  I pointed out I'd had no official report on Daughter's visit to the podiatrist.  I talked about the confusion as to whether Home Owner would be involved in PCP appointments.  I told her that while I didn't want to move Daughter, if there was not better communication, she would have to be moved.  She announced she was going to call Home Owner immediately to address all those issues and get them fixed.  She also said she would inform her that I was to be given Daughter's blood sugar records every Thursday.  I haven't heard anything since then.  I'm not surprised. 

Frustration with the House

Last week I realized that I will be out of town on the day of Daughter's next scheduled appointment with her Primary Care Provider.  House Owner had informed me she would not be going to future appointments with Daughter's PCP.  She was mad because I was going, too, and she didn't want me involved.  I had informed her that I thought it was good that she was there, but as long as I was managing Daughter's diabetes, I needed to attend those appointments.

So early last week I emailed House Owner and told her that I was now going to be out of town for that appointment, and asked her if she wanted to take Daughter or if she wanted me to reschedule.  I didn't get a response.  On Friday I sent the message again, this time including the Case Manager.  I still didn't get a response. 

Yesterday I had a voice mail from PCP.  Daughter's blood work was back, and they wanted to make sure that I would be at her next appointment because they wanted to discuss it with me.  Her A1C, which measures average blood sugar, had gone from 6.5 to 7.4, meaning her average blood sugar had gone up about 30 points.  I called and rescheduled the appointment, and told them the increase was because Daughter had been into food.  Then I emailed House Owner and Case Manager and told them I had changed the appointment and why.  Case Manager immediately forwarded it to Nurse, who then sent out an email to the team (taking my name off-- I only found out after Case Manager added it back on.)  Today, I had a response from House Owner, informing me she would be attending the appointment, too. 

I know that my involvement and strong opinions are not appreciated by everyone.  I work hard at not being offensive.  I have said repeatedly I don't expect perfection, and I know how challenging Daughter is.  When the house has made mistakes, I have gone to them directly and not included anyone else on the team, not wanting to embarrass them.  When Nurse insisted Daughter's diabetes needed to be managed by an endocrinologist, I checked with the PCP.  She said her control was excellent, and she didn't need an endocrinologist.  She thought going to one would just complicate things, and definitely did not recommend it.  I keep telling them I'm not an expert on diabetes, I'm an expert on Daughter, and have been successfully managing her diabetes for over 13 years. 

Case Manager informed the team that she and the House Owner had cured Daughter of sneaking food by their firm approach.  I'll let them keep believing that for now. 

"I Miss You."

Daughter wanted to know if she could come spend the weekend with me this coming weekend.  She's telling me she misses me.  I told her that she would be with me all day Thursday.  Friday evening she'll be with me as she helps with the children's program.  Saturday I have an all day meeting, but some members are picking her up for the church wide bowling event that evening (which I am skipping in recognition of the reality that I do have limits.)  Sunday I'll pick her up for church and then take her home after lunch (I have to be back at the church at 2:00 for a new members class).  So she won't be at my house again next weekend.  She's asking every time she sees me, but remarkably, she's accepting it when I say no. 

They had a very busy day in the concession stand yesterday.  The game was sold out, and it was cold they sold almost 1100 cups of coffee and hot chocolate.  They had a very difficult time keeping up, which doesn't surprise me.  You can only pour it so quickly, and each cup needs a sleeve and lid on it.  To make matters worst, the stadium ran out of coffee-- they didn't even have any in the warehouse they could go get to distribute.  I'm sure that didn't go over with anyone.  There were some other issues as well, such as the stadium giving them moldy buns and finding a mysterious object in a package of hot dogs.  We won the game, but the people in the concession stand had no idea what the score was.  They were too busy all day.  Administrative Assistant and I were planning what we'd wear to stay warm when we work on the 30th.  At this point we have less than half the people they will need to work the stand that day. 

Of course, that means that Daughter won't be with me that day, either.  I'll probably pick her up on Thanksgiving and let her spend Thursday night with me.  I'll take her home sometime Friday.  We are entering the season when I find my location to be most inconvenient.  There is a major shopping area between the church and my house, including a mall, two large discount department stores, and a large electronics store. 

We had another good Sunday.  The pianist was applauded after the prelude again this morning.  He really did outdo himself.  He takes the hymns and choruses we're doing in worship and improvises on them for the prelude and offertory and such.  This morning he was in the mood for jazz, and it really was amazing. 

We had a fellowship meal following worship.  The main course was lasagna, so I took some pasta I could have-- pasta that didn't have any tomatoes and no dairy.  I contributed cole slaw, that way I knew there would be something else there that I could eat.

Administrative Assistant is going to alter my winter coat for me.  As Daughter said, I looked like a little kid playing dress-up with a parent's coat.  It's a long coat that I can wear to the cemetery after funerals, and I want to wait until coats are on clearance sales before I replace it.  I think that's all the news from here.  Now I'm off to make clay Christmas trees....

The Podiatrist and Yard Work

Daughter went to the Podiatrist this week.  You may recall that Home Owner insisted that as a diabetic she needed to be seeing a podiatrist every 3 months.  I said her feet were fine and it wasn't necessary at this point in time.  I finally told Home Owner she could do whatever she wanted, but I wouldn't be involved.  So she made Daughter an appointment with the Podiatrist.  They sent the paperwork to me to be filled out, and I sent it back, blank. 

I asked Daughter how it went with the Podiatrist.  "Oh, I have flat feet.  He said my feet are very healthy and I don't have to come back for a year."  She said he tested her sensitivity (looking for diabetic neuropathy) and she could feel everything.  I am smiling, and refraining from saying, "I told you so."  Administrative Assistant thought it was hilarious. 

I spent several hours working in the yard today.  I cleared out my vegetable gardens and put leaves and grass clippings on them.  I mowed.  I swept most of the locust leaves out of the driveway (it's impossible to get them all).  I'd like to say it felt good, but it was still a gray day.  I'm grateful it didn't rain, though I did feel a few drizzles as I was cleaning up.  It does feel good to have that done, because it was becoming a source of stress.  As busy as November is going to be, I'm glad I got it done today. 

I'm having more pain in my left wrist, probably because I'm using it more.  I've been playing piano and handbells.  I'm carrying heavier things.  I hope that the pain is because it's getting stronger. 

Busy Week

I was surprised to see I hadn't blogged since Tuesday.  That is more evidence that it has been a busy week.  I ended up spending 4 nights in a row at the church, and then last night, when I was home, I had trick or treaters coming to my door.  Daughter did her volunteer work at the church, folding bulletins and shredding old financial documents, but I took her home before choir.  It was meeting late to accommodate Halloween, and I decided I didn't want to take her-- 5 nights in a row at the church would be too much. 

Daughter has apologized and asked if she can come spend the weekend with me.  I've told her not yet.  I enjoy the freedom that comes with not having her around.  Eventually she'll spend the night with me again, but it may not be until Thanksgiving.  We'll see.  I'm going to spend today and tomorrow cleaning around the house.  It's a gray, wet day, which may prevent me from doing the yard work I desperately need to do.

I looked at my calendar for November, and it's going to be very busy.  Tomorrow is probably my only Saturday off this month, and most Sundays I have activities in the afternoon or evening.  Though in all fairness one of those Saturdays will be spent at a reunion for a new pastors' program.  I participated in it 27 years ago.  Mine was the first group, and there have been many groups since.  It was designed to provide support and slow the trend of new pastors leaving ministry within the first five years.  It certainly worked for me!  I haven't seen most of those people since our program ended, so it will be nice to see them and catch up with them. 

Administrative Assistant has also looked at the calendar, and she has informed me that I can't go to the reunion until my newsletter articles are written for December.  Unfortunately, she's probably right.  We figure both of us will end up working the final football game.  I told her I'd sell ice cream and hot chocolate with her.  The final game this year is the Saturday after Thanksgiving, so we know some of our regulars will be out of town, which is why we anticipate having to work.  It will be challenging, as I continue to struggle with the cold.  Sister Best Friend pointed out that I'm not as well insulated as I have been, which is contributing to my lower tolerance for cold.  I guess that's a good problem to have, though it means I'm going to have to find some slacks that fit, as skirts aren't going to work for me on very cold days....

Enthusiasm

Last night at the board meeting, I was talking about the current sermon series and discerning a new vision for the congregation.  I was seeking their input/suggestions.  As always, they took the seed of an idea, and improved and grew it.  On November 10, I will be preaching on the Israelites crossing the Jordan River and entering the Promised Land.  Joshua had them pile 12 stones as a memorial-- they were to tell their children what God had done when the children asked about the significance of the stones.  I wanted to do something with distributing stones. 

One board member is a retired corporate vice president and veteran of many visioning processes.  He suddenly became very excited.  "To determine vision, we have to know the congregation's values.  You can't change values.  We ask them to think about what they most value about the congregation, and then write that on a rock.  We'll build a memorial during worship and then sort the rocks following to see what the congregation most values!" 

We decided to put an insert in the bulletin this week to explain what we're going to do and encourage people to think about what is most important to them about the church.  We'll have tables with rocks and sharpies set up at strategic places on the 10th so we can get people to write what they value on a rock.  Following the sermon, we will invite them all to come forward and add their stone to the memorial. 

Retired VP was in this morning to talk about rocks.  His wife found some at a dollar store this afternoon, and then he came to the church to collect some more from the landscaping.  He sent me a picture of what he wants to do, and is planning to set up something with a tall stone that we can pile the other stones around.  He is so excited, and it's great to see him running with it.  Administrative Assistant is just as excited.  She's calling it a non-survey, and thinks we've found a sneaky way to do a survey.  She has been working on the bulletin insert.  She's drawn out some rocks, and is going to put text in the center.  She plans to print it on gray paper to follow through with the stone theme. 

The congregation really is beginning to understand and find a vision for the future, beginning with gaining perspective on the past.  One of the members who had worshiped the founding pastor told me I'd explained the dangers of that very well in Sunday's sermon.  He gets it now. 

Daughter has had another good day.  She sent me a picture of herself dressed up for a Halloween party this evening.  She was wearing the poodle skirt I made her several years ago (which she insisted she couldn't wear) and she looks very nice.  She was enthusiastic, too.  It's nice to see people so enthusiastic about these things. 

Real Progress

I only spoke to Daughter once today.  We had a brief phone conversation this morning, and then exchanged some texts with her late this afternoon.  By the time I got home from my board meeting, she had left me a message telling me she loved me, good night, and she'd call in the morning.  I'm pleased with her progress.

It was another good board meeting.  They had some very good ideas.   I really enjoy working with this board.  We are facing some major expenses, but they know that we'll find the money, so no one is panicking about it. 

In very good news, I learned that a new health food store is coming to a building between the church and my home.  It will be very convenient, and hopefully will have more variety than our local store.  I'm getting tired of driving across town to find things I need....

Daughter's Confession and Sunday Morning Weirdness

Daughter's blood sugar was high this morning.  She insisted, of course, that she hadn't been into anything.  She said it was because of the supper she had last night.  Of course I didn't believe her, so she was mad.  Her blood sugar was still high at lunch time. 

I just got off the phone with her.  She explained some of her high blood sugars.  Friends at her program have been giving her food.  She also told me that the weekend staff had not counted her carbs.  I believe her.  She's promising to do better and be honest.  For right now, she means it.  We'll see how long it lasts. 

This morning everything was just a little bit off.  The computer in the sanctuary wouldn't connect to the internet.  At first, they were blaming the modem, but my computer could get on without any issues.  I gave them my slides on a flash drive since they couldn't get them online.  The remote I use to advance slides wouldn't work.  Then the computer wouldn't record.  They finally rebooted the computer, which solved some of the issues.

 Super Usher was late.  He is always one of the first to arrive.  We commented on how strange it was, and finally became concerned enough that we called to check on him.  He's an older man and lives alone, so we wondered if something had happened to him.  He had turned his clock back a week early.  He got here before the service began, but was out of his routine, so he forgot to get me fresh water, which was a minor inconvenience. 

Pianist was late, too. They didn't have time to run through the singspiration numbers.  Administrative Assistant and Daughter were the song leaders today.  Daughter was horrible, but AA's husband had been told he had to be on the soundboard and be prepared to turn off Daughter's microphone.  He did, and I thanked him.  Pianist raced through the first number, which didn't help Daughter. He always speeds things up when he's nervous. 

There were several people who needed to have significant conversations with me prior to worship.  We had forgotten to put the mission minutes on the website for tomorrow evening's board meeting.  A retired regional church staff member wanted to talk to me about some concerns she had with regard to the regional church.  Unfortunately, her concerns are justified, and she doesn't know everything that is going on.  With all the things that were just a little off, I forgot to turn on my microphone.  AA's husband told me as he headed to the choir, so I was able to turn it on prior to the Scripture and sermon. 

This morning I shared an insight I'd gotten at the conference I attended in July.  Today I was preaching on the golden calf in Exodus, and I had suddenly noticed that the people had given up on Moses, not God.  I realized that the golden calf wasn't their first idol, Moses was.  I then realized that many congregations (and pastors) get in trouble when they idolize the pastor.  This congregation idolized the founding pastor.  I didn't talk about him specifically, but people got the message.  The comments were interesting, "They really needed to hear that."  (We preachers love that comment, often from the people who most needed to hear it.)  "That sermon needed to be preached here years ago."  "I was worried when I realized where you were going to go with the sermon, but it was okay."  "That was the best sermon ever." 

In the discussion following worship, members named other idols the congregation had had.  It was a good discussion.  I'm pleased with the way God is at work in the congregation right now.

In other news, they don't need me to work in the concession stand at the football game next Saturday, for which I am very grateful.  They have 24 workers lined up.  We had a Taize worship service tonight, and I played keyboard for it. We had 3 vocalists, keyboard (set to harpsichord), guitar, flute, and cello.  The service was very nice.  The daughter-in-law of the previous owners of my house was there.  I'd met her a couple of times before.  It was good to see her again.  We had some other people from the community who came for the service.  I was not involved in planning it, but the selected Scriptures went well with this morning's sermon.  I wasn't the only one who noticed. 

"Boring Weekends"

Thursday Daughter was complaining about never doing anything at the new house and wanting to move back to the old one.  She was quite concerned about spending the weekend at home, and worried about being bored.  I didn't hear from her today until after 4:00.  She sent me a text telling me she'd be sending me a picture soon.  The picture was of a new hair style.  Then I received a picture of her manicure.  The staff who is filling in this weekend does these things with the women.  Daughter, obviously, loves it. 

I've spent the day making clay ornaments for the upcoming bazaar at the church.  I've enjoyed it. 

Feeling Old

I'm feeling old this year.  I'm having a tough time adjusting to the cooler weather.  For years I didn't even wear a winter coat most of the time.  I kept the thermostat down and was perfectly comfortable with jeans and a sweatshirt.  This year, I'm feeling the cold.  I'm wearing long underwear and two sweatshirts, and still turned up the heat.  Of course, I'm still fighting a cold, so that certainly doesn't help matters. 
  I've had a lazy day, though my walking partner and I did go out and walk one of the parks this morning.  It was a beautiful day.  It was in the 30's when we started out, but the sun was shining and the fall colors were brilliant.  Normally, we walk when it was still dark, so we don't get to see the colors.  I love the wonderful parks we have in this area, and it's probably been over a year since I walked that particular park.  We were surprised, because there were lots of cars in the parking lot and we saw about 10 others out taking advantage of the wonderful trails. 

Daughter has been apologetic today.  She isn't bugging me to come get her.  She recognizes that I'm not going to pick her up before Sunday morning.  It's kind of nice not to have to worry about locking everything up....

Red Tags and BS

Yesterday evening a group using the church building reported smelling gas.  I called one of our property guys (the second time he'd been summoned for a problem that day), who called the gas company.  The end result is that one of our large furnaces is now red tagged.  We suspect it will need to be replaced, but won't know until the service company gets here tomorrow or Monday.  We aren't thrilled, but are grateful it was discovered before there was a major problem. 

Daughter is in full Drama Queen mode today.  Home Owner told her they could talk  yesterday about her TV, but then didn't make time to talk to Daughter, and didn't respond to her text.  I reminded Daughter that she needs to control her eating if she wants her TV back.  She responded by announcing she doesn't want the TV any more and is going to give away all her DVDs.  She's also going to get rid of her library card (which she uses to check out DVDs). 

Then she informed me she wanted to move back to the old house.  I told her it wasn't happening.  She is complaining because there aren't activities at the new house.  She claims the old one had lots of activities (not true).  She has conveniently forgotten the problems with the old house, and all the times she complained or refused to participate in what activities they did offer.  I pointed out that she gets activities at her day program.  She insisted that was all work.  I pointed out that as part of the inclusion program she gets to go to the mall and go bowling.  She insisted that was work.  I told her that was Bulls---.  I don't often speak that way, but I was not buying into her story. 

She has had a bit of an attitude most of the day, but has done some work and avoided interaction with us, so I didn't take her back. I think the big problem for her is that she's looking at staying at the home on weekends since she lost the privilege of coming to my house.  She doesn't like being home on the weekends, and they don't do outings.  Getting into food has consequences, and right now, she's not liking those consequences. 

Balance

I continue to search for balance in my life, which is the topic for this evening in the prayer study we're doing this fall.  Fall is always a busy time at the church, and Daughter's drama has not helped with my stress level.

Last night I didn't have any meetings, so I left early.  I took my computer home, but left it in the car.  I also left the TV off, though I did listen to some CD's.  I cooked some pasta for supper, and then worked on ornaments for the holiday bazaar here at the church next month. 

I'm back walking early in the morning several times a week.  We're looking forward to the end of daylight savings time, as we'd like a little more light.  The moon has helped some this week, but we're going to need to start taking a light source with us.  At one time the walks caused me a lot of pain in my feet, but they don't bother me anymore. 

Daughter has reminded me that her month without a TV is almost up.  She wanted to know if she could have it back.  I told her she had to take that up with the Home Owner, but I did remind her she'd continued to get into extra food.  After a predictable response, "Fine, I'll just get rid of my DVD player and DVD's then," she dropped it. 

I will be picking her up tomorrow morning, so it will be interesting to see what kind of mood she is in then....

November 20

Daughter will have her first group therapy session on November 20.  We started asking for this when her last therapist retired January 1.  This is how long it has taken to get Daughter into it.  I'm frustrated by the lack of urgency on the part of the agency.  Daughter has felt like her requests are being ignored, which has caused some of the behaviors.  She's sought to prove to us she needs therapy.  I'm trying to focus on just being grateful it is finally happening. 

I had my monthly meeting for the regional church today.  I am now the committee leader, and we find ourselves unable to get through the entire agenda during our two hour meeting.  Today I told them I thought we needed one longer meeting to do some planning and set some goals and priorities for our work.  To my amazement, they all agreed.  Now we just have to coordinate the schedules of 7 ministers and find a place that isn't too far from anyone.  Hmmm.  Agreeing to the need and scheduling the meeting are two very different needs.  I wonder if this is why the therapy group has been so slow in getting started.....

The Answer Is Blueberries

Anonymous asked what food Daughter would get into while she was at my house.  I confidently stated that the food would all be locked up.  Unfortunately, I forgot that I had some dried blueberries by my chair in the family room.  Even if I'd remembered, I may not have worried, because when she tried my dried blueberries a couple of months ago, she didn't like them.  I forget that if all she can find to sneak is something she doesn't like, she will eat whatever it is she doesn't like. 

She confessed quickly this morning (her blood sugar was over 200).  I apologized to her for failing to keep her safe, and told her that she wouldn't be able to spend time here until I could keep her safe.  I told her I'd pick her up for church on Sunday morning.  I didn't accuse her or yell.  My approach had an impact.  She told me not to bother picking her up, "It's not worth it." 

Remember a pastoral counseling class many years ago, I responded, "You are worth it." 

She insisted she wasn't, but I didn't get sucked in.  When she came to me after church, wanting the keys to my study so she could put things away, I refused to give them to her, telling her I had to keep her safe, and there was food in my study.  She didn't like that. 

She was going to come back to the house with me and do some work to earn some money, and then I was going to take her home after the worship service at the nursing home.  Instead, I took her home right after lunch.  From the calls I'm getting, she's having a rough afternoon.  She's threatening to go live on the streets.  I keep telling her I have confidence in her ability to turn things around.  She's not happy that I'm refusing to engage. 

I hope she figures out how to turn it around soon. 

Football

I worked the concession stand at the local university football game today.  Actually, I was outside, on ice cream and hot cocoa.  It was cold.  We sold lots of cocoa, and more ice cream than I expected.  I enjoyed working the game, though it was cold out there today.

We picked Daughter up on our way home, as she's only a couple of blocks off the road we take.  I put her to work when we got home, which doesn't thrill her.  I'm making chicken curry for supper tonight.  I'm doing more cooking now, and it's nice.  She brought 4 test strips.  Enough to last through lunch tomorrow.  She gets 200 strips a month, and has 32 scheduled tests a week.  I think she has enough to allow her to have extra strips to cover for lows.  But what do I know?  I never did get a response when I asked Home Owner to make a recommendation for covering lows. 

Daughter brought home medical forms to be filled out for the podiatrist.  I told her that Home Owner could fill it out.  I'm not in the mood to be cooperative. 

I'm gradually returning order to my kitchen, for which I'm grateful. 

The Passing of a Generation

I received a text from Sister a little while ago.  Mom's sister died yesterday.  She was 80.  She was the youngest of 3 siblings, and I know from conversations how much she missed her brother and sister.  She is with them again, as well as her beloved Daddy.  She was diagnosed with cancer 4 months ago, but didn't want anyone to know.  She chose not to have chemo, a decision I admire and respect.  I was thinking of her last week, and now I wish I had called her.  When I last spoke to her a couple of years ago, she seemed in a hurry to get off the phone.  I wondered if it was too painful for her to talk to me-- she told me often how much I sounded like Mom on the phone.  I didn't want to add to her pain, and I was busy, so I didn't call. 

She lived across the country from us, so we only saw her when we made our annual pilgrimage to visit the grandparents.  I grieve the passing of that generation.  Mom, the middle child, was the first to die just over 4 years ago.  Her brother, the oldest, died a couple of years ago, and now the youngest.  On Dad's side of the family, he has one sister still living.  He was also one of 3.  When a cousin called this week to get contact information for a family member, I wondered if she was calling to report that surviving aunt's death.  I was relieved when she wasn't. 

In my generation, I have lost a cousin on each side of the family.  Sometimes it weighs on me, and I worry who will advocate for Daughter when I'm gone.  Will anyone understand her and offer her the support and limits she needs?  I have no fear of death, I do, though, have a concern for Daughter.  I wouldn't want to add the burden to a family member, yet I also worry about what will happen to her without a strong advocate.  It is a problem faced by many families.  I have two members who serve as guardians for siblings.  One man got the job after his sister died.  It has been a burden, as he has struggled to figure out what treatment his mentally ill brother, who is now showing signs of dementia,  will be most beneficial.  We've had many conversations about it.  The other man has been his sister's guardian since his mother's death.  As she ages, the challenges involved increase.  Greatly.  He came to talk to me after he broke a tooth grinding his teeth in frustration after a conversation with her.  He has been clear:  he will not pass the burden on to his wife or sons.  If she outlives him, she will have a public guardian. 

I am grateful that the knowledge of my challenges with Daughter opened the door for these conversations, and I'm sorry so many families find themselves struggling with such challenging issues.  I regret that we don't have a better system with more support to meet the needs of mentally challenged adults.