Prayers

This week I received a newsletter that contained a prayer by Thomas Merton:

My Lord God, I have no idea where I am going. I do not see the road ahead of me. I cannot know for certain where it will end. Nor do I really know myself, and the fact that I think I am following your will does not mean that I am actually doing so. But I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you. And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing. I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire. And I know that if I do this, you will lead me by the right road, though I may know nothing about it. Therefore, I will trust you always though I may seem to be lost in the shadow of death. I will not fear, for you are ever with me, and you will never leave me to face my perils alone.

This spoke powerfully to me, as I look at the possibility of moving. I have placed it where I can see it every day. It will help me through these days of uncertainty.

Daughter came to me to talk about her anxiety yesterday. She was worrying about so many different things. I made her get some paper and write down the things she was worrying about. Of course the possibility of a move was near the top of her list. I handed her an envelope on which I had written, "God." I had her fold up the paper and seal it inside the envelope. "You have given your worries to God now. He'll take care of them for you. They are still here, and you can come back to see them if you'd like, but for now, they are in God's hands and God will take care of them."

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Now I was not at all sure this would work, but she did as I instructed (complaining about the taste of the glue on the envelope), and got up to do her chores. At least for last night there was no more mention of anxiety, and her tremors were much improved. I hope that this will help her cope with her stress and ease her anxiety.

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Change is hard for most people, but for Daughter, it is especially hard. I know that this will be an ongoing struggle as we approach moving. I wish I could tell her something more concrete, but for now, we're both going to have to live in the midst of the uncertainty, trusting that God will take us to the right place at the right time. For Daughter, who continues to struggle with trust, it will be especially hard.

Living in the Moment

So Daughter gets up this morning, complaining about how sick she is, etc. I take her to see Therapist, where she talks about how great everything is and how well she's doing. I asked why she complains all the time at home and then tells Psychiatrist and Therapist she's doing great. She seemed confused by the question. Therapist thinks that for Daughter, the only reality is the current moment. At that moment, she was feeling fine.

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By afternoon, I had to go pick her up from the workshop because she was so sick. She's been asleep since we got home three hours ago. Is she sick? I don't think so. I think she's obsessing over her tremors and current boyfriend and granddad and anything else she can find to worry about. Nurse Practitioner thought the depakote might be causing the tremors, so I am reducing the amount she is taking. NP said they often have to take patients off depakote because they have so much trouble with tremors. I explained this to Daughter last night, so now she's focused on them even more.

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She is back with flasher boyfriend. One of their buddies brought him over to visit her several months ago, and he asked the buddy to leave and exposed himself to Daughter. She told him to leave, and several days later, told me what had happened. I thought the three of them were safe upstairs watching a movie. Shows how much I know. She thinks he's changed. He is still showing signs of lack of impulse control and inappropriate sexual behavior. With Therapist's help she decided it wasn't good to be back with him. The problem is, she won't see him until Monday and he doesn't have phone privileges. So now she's worrying about the break up.

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Granddad is still out of the hospital, but he's also back in congestive heart failure. We're planning a party to celebrate his 80th birthday, so hopefully he'll be healthy enough to enjoy that when it comes along. What can I tell her? His health isn't good, and it is only a matter of time. We can't predict or control life and death.

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I think her sleep is avoidance. It doesn't solve anything, but right now I don't have the energy to push her to get moving and do something. At this moment, all she can see is problems that feel overwhelming to her. Unfortunately, this moment never seems to come when we're with the professionals who are there to help her heal. I'm the one who gets to deal with it all.

Still Seeking Answers

Neurologist is part of a medical school clinic. This morning I called to check on the possibility of seizure activity related to the switch to a generic medication. Of course, I had to wait on hold "for the next available representative," and then the next available representative finally answered and asked me if I could hold....

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I finally talked to somebody of questionable confidence, and sought to get her understand the problem, or at least write it down accurately. Several hours later, I had a call from Nurse Practitioner. She asked more questions (but at least I know she's competent). She was going to talk to Neurologist, but she seemed more inclined to think it was a problem that Psychiatrist needed to address. She talked about the possibility of switching back to name brand (if they can convince the insurance company) or doing another EEG. The clinic is 2 hours away, but I told her that I will bring her in if that's what they want.

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So now I'm waiting, waiting for another call to see what they want me to do. While they try to figure it out, Daughter continues to struggle with severe tremors. Hopefully someone will have an answer soon....

Next....

Psychiatrist thinks we need to talk to Neurologist about seizure activity. She thinks that explains most of what is going on right now-- the excessive sleeping, the cognitive dulling, etc. So, now I get to track down neurologist and see what he wants to do. Psychiatrist said it may be as simple as increasing her dose of the generic keppra-- she may not be absorbing it into her system as well. Daughter has been much more cooperative tonight, which makes life a little easier.

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Today was my day off. So, I went to the hospital to visit one of the saints. I only had one phone call to deal with, fortunately, and I spent over an hour with the Sunday School Superintendent. She stopped by to talk about a meeting we're having tomorrow evening. It should be interesting. Hopefully I was some help to her.

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I also had breakfast with a friend and spent 3 hours on the appointment with Psychiatrist (it would be so nice to have doctors who were closer to us.) The result is that I didn't get the things I had hoped to accomplish on my day off done. But then, that's typical of my life.

If It Doesn't Make Sense....

Last night we had supper with a friend who moved away about a year ago. She thought Daughter looked terrible. Her depression was obvious immediately, and her tremors interfered with her ability to hold and eat her sandwich. Tomorrow afternoon I take her to see Psychiatrist. It will be interesting to see what she thinks. I had called over a week ago and talked to a nurse about the tremors, and took her in last Saturday for lithium and depakote levels. This week I got a message from a different nurse telling me her blood levels were fine, and I shouldn't change anything. That wasn't helpful. I'm still wondering if the tremors are a result of her changing to generic Keppra for her seizures.

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Today after church Daughter lobbied had for a trip to Town for Mexican food, and since I was tired and wanted to get some hamburger and buns for tonight to go with the fresh picked corn one of the saints brought to church, I agreed. When she checked her blood sugar before lunch, I was pleasantly surprised at how good it was. Her blood sugar had been a little high this morning, and it hadn't been that long since breakfast, so I was expecting a higher number.

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We came home and had a pleasant afternoon watching the Sound of Music together. Munchkin Mom had gotten the music stuck in my head, and I was singing the songs on the way home from the City last night. Daughter and I were having a friendly discussion about words and tunes. We decided we needed to watch the movie.

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After the movie, she fell asleep, and I finally pried myself out of the recliner and went downstairs to begin preparing supper. I was weighing out hamburgers for tonight and the freezer, preparing 4 ears of corn, starting water boiling and lighting the grill, when Daughter came downstairs. "Oh. I thought you'd have it ready by now."

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I asked her to clear off the table and get out the condiments. I put the hamburgers on the grill, and then came in and put the corn in the boiling water. Daughter critiqued what I was doing. I came in with the hamburgers and she was on the phone and hadn't gotten the condiments out like I asked her to. I asked again, and my frustration showed through. She informed me that after supper she was going to go to her room because she didn't have to put up with my attitude.

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I got the corn out and buttered and salted it (she can't/won't cook corn or butter and salt it). We sat down to eat and she checked her blood sugar. It was very high. "Is there anything you want to tell me?"

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"No, I haven't been into anything."

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I drew up the appropriate amount of insulin, and she took it. I sat there pondering the puzzle of her blood sugars-- they didn't make sense. Bingo. "Please give me your meter."

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"There's something I need to tell you."

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"Yes?"

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"My blood sugar wasn't 106 before lunch."

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"What was it?"

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"206."

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Sigh.

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So now not only do I have to keep her pills and insulin locked up and watch her take them, I have to check her meter to make sure she's telling me the truth about the reading.

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It is exhausting. Instead of becoming more independent, she's becoming less.

Decluttering

Yesterday I began the process of decluttering with my desk. I filled the recycling bin with paper, much of it shredded. This morning I continued the decluttering process with my spiritual life. The truth is, my spiritual life has not been great lately. I've been avoiding spending time alone with God. This morning I was up, Daughter was still asleep, and I knew it was time to engage with God. I listened to a Saturday morning prayer service on my ipod, and then paused it to spend time with Scripture, in prayer, and reflecting in my journal. I engaged in a spiritual decluttering.

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I discovered that I am very angry with God right now. That's why I've been avoiding God. The irony is that I regularly urge people to take their anger to God. I tell them that God is big enough to handle it. I make the confirmation class write a prayer in which they express anger at God. I explain to them that if they aren't able to take their anger at God, when they do get angry (and we all do), they will turn their backs on God rather than going to God and releasing the anger.

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This morning I followed my own advice, which was long overdue. I knew I was angry over my mother's illness-- her death brought healing, but I'm angry that she was robbed of her ability to communicate, robbed of the opportunity to travel and enjoy her retirement years. When she first retired, they were taking care of Dad's mother. By the time Gram died, my parents' health was not good enough to allow them to enjoy travel. What surprised me is how angry I am at Daughter's challenges. She's an 8 year old in a 22 year old's body. She is saddled with physical illnesses that she can't manage because of her mental illness and developmental disability. I still remember her words to me when she was struggling with the reality of living with diabetes, "Mom, it's not fair. It's one more thing that makes me different." It isn't fair. It isn't fair that she was born into an abusive family. It isn't fair that she has a low IQ. It isn't fair that she got rotten genes. It isn't fair. I tell her that life isn't fair. It seems like she's had way too much dumped on her, with limited abilities to cope with all that has been dumped.

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I'm angry that I am still here in Tiny Village. My ministry here is not as effective as it was at one time. There are key families within the church who want me gone for a variety of reasons, but they don't dare display their animosity openly because there are many more people who are very grateful for my ministry and all I've done here. As a result, I'm constantly dealing with passive aggressive stuff and subtle sabotage of my ministry. Moving is complicated by Daughter's needs, which severely limits my options, multiplying my anger.

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This morning I began the process of expressing my anger to God. It will be a process, but I know that God will now help me heal and move beyond that anger. I've begun decluttering my spiritual life, by addressing the emotions that were getting in the way of it. Just beginning the process created much energy. Daughter and I went out and began cleaning out the garage. We sorted through our camping equipment and threw some of it out, identified other things that can be donated, and put the rest away in an organized manner. We now have much more room in the garage.

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There is much more decluttering to do-- in our home, the garage, our personal lives, my spiritual life. I feel much more equipped to address it now. I am going to finish the sermon for tomorrow, celebrate a wedding this afternoon, and then we'll go to the City to meet an old friend for supper. This morning I received an email from a search committee. They are interested in more information from me. At the right time, God will call me to the right place. I can prepare myself by continuing to declutter my life.

Seeing God's Hand

Last week one of the teenagers in the church brought me a note from his mother. She wanted me to add her brother-in-law, who had just been diagnosed with a serious disease, to the prayer list. I asked if this man was related to someone who has been attending and has the same last name. The teenager didn't think his uncle was connected to that family. Since the last name is relatively common in this area (I know at least 3 different clans that share the last name in this area), I didn't think any more about it. The bulletin was done, so I promised I'd announce it during worship on Sunday morning. Midway through the service, I realized I'd forgotten. I decided I'd say something before the benediction. That afternoon, I realized I'd forgotten again. I was quite frustrated with myself, and with the reality that my brain still isn't working the way I'd like.

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During the joys and concerns at the board meeting, I mentioned this man's name and that I had forgotten to announce him as a prayer concern. Several of the board members thought they knew him, and thought he was the brother of the man who has been attending regularly. So when I saw the brother for pre-marital counseling later that evening, I asked. He told me it was, indeed, his younger brother. He had learned of his illness during dinner that very day. I have decided that it was a good thing my brain was not working very well and I forgot (twice) to mention the prayer concern. I've decided maybe God's hand was at work. I would not have wanted this man to find out that his brother had an illness requiring prayers during the worship service.

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After my time in the woods while we were camping, I've been more aware of nature around me. I've been seeking to be more conscious of the beauty around me. There have been the most beautiful wildflowers in bloom on the route to Town. I've also had the joy of seeing deer twice in a field on the way to town. One day I saw two does and 3 fawns. Daughter was with me, and we were both delighted by the treat. I was also grateful that they were munching soybeans and not running across the road in front of me.

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Last night Daughter decided to be more cooperative. The fact that she wanted me to take her to her softball game might have had something to do with the improved attitude. Her cooperation gave me the boost I needed to tackle 2 jobs I had been avoiding: clearing off my desk and filing an expense report. Both are now done, and I am feeling like I am overcoming this depression. Today I realized I had been approaching Sunday's sermon all wrong, and I'm now excited about the direction it is taking. I will know joy again.

Depression

Okay. I've said it. Daughter and I are both struggling with depression right now. It's a part of our grief, but we are feeding off one another in our depressions, and I'm struggling to figure out a way to pull us both of it-- or at least get myself out of it.

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Daughter has been doing a lot of sleeping, and complaining about a variety of vague physical symptoms. When she's like this, her attitude sucks all the life and energy out of this house. I have spent the last 2 nights working on various cooking projects in the kitchen. She's spent the last 2 nights complaining about any task I ask her to do and "forgetting" to do about half of them. Last night I asked her to unload the dishwasher (it's not even a full size dishwasher). You'd have thought I'd asked her to take on the biggest job ever.

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Of course, my outlook is not helped by the fact that I have been experiencing a good bit of back and shoulder pain as a result of extended time spent standing and working at counter height. So while I'm keeping going through my pain, she's complaining about the smallest things. Last night she was "too sick" to take care of the clothes in the dryer. I informed her I was going to be too tired to take care of her insulin and pills or fix her meals if she didn't begin to do her fair share around the house.

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She slept for 2 hours when she got home yesterday, went to bed early last night, and still didn't want to get up this morning. My third call for her to get out of bed was none too pleasant. I told her with all the running I've been doing with her (softball game tonight) and her lack of help, the state of the house was really beginning to stress me out. She apologized. I pointed out she's been apologizing every morning and refusing to do any work every evening. She left here in tears.

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She came home and apologized again, and told me she had lots of time before the softball game to work around the house. So far she's put away clean laundry and dishes. I've begun cleaning off my desk, where important papers have gotten buried. Maybe I'll actually find one or two of them in my mining expedition this evening. Maybe she will start being cooperative every night. I will hope. I always hope.

The Last Thing

For Daughter, the last thing that happens always overshadows everything else about any event or day. During our two weeks away, we did many things she thoroughly enjoyed, and she expressed her pleasure about these things to me throughout the trip. The last day, we went to worship at the church where we held Mom's memorial service. For Daughter, that became the focus of the entire trip. When someone asks her how her trip was, she says it was terrible and talks about how painful it was for her to worship there again.

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Yesterday, I took her to see Harry Potter and out for her favorite restaurant meal. On the way home, she asked about watching a TV show when we got home. I told her no, because we would be late and she needed to get the trash out and shower before bed, which needed to be on time since she'd been late getting up that morning. She was mad, and the movie and supper were immediately gone from her memory.

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After a few minutes of her sitting next to me pouting, I said, "It's too bad you can't remember that I took you out to a movie and for supper." She continued to pout all the way home, and tried to argue with me about the trash and her shower when we got home. I frustrated her by refusing to engage. This morning she got up and apologized. The only thing she remembers about yesterday is she went to bed mad at me, so for her, the entire day was terrible.

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One day while we were on vacation I had her make a list of the good things, trying to shift her focus away from her complaints. (Once again, being teacher/therapist) I continue to struggle with how to just converse and be with her. The movie and supper were a start yesterday, and I wish she would remember that about our day, and not her frustration with the lack of time for TV in the evening. Even without TV, she was a little late getting to bed last night, and again struggled to get up this morning.

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Tonight I will seek to make our final interactions something fun. If we can end the day on a positive note, maybe that will be her memory of the entire day.

The Cost of Avoidance

I have been working very hard at avoiding my grief since Mom's death. I sobbed during worship the last night of the conference, as the closing hymn had been the closing hymn at Mom's memorial service. Daughter was very concerned. She's always watching me to make sure I'm okay-- she's terrified something will happen to me. If I sigh or move in a way that she thinks is unusual she's right beside me demanding to know what is wrong. It was very disconcerting for her to see my cry that way. That has been the only time I've really cried since Mom's death.

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Last week there were lots of things to remind me of Mom's death. I was hanging out at the nursing home ministering to dying members on a daily basis. As A confessed her despair to me and asked where God was, I found my self wondering if Mom had felt such emotional pain. As M sat by the bedside of her dying father, I regretted that Mom had been alone when she died, and wished one of us could have been with her. When I came home, there were all these items we'd brought from my parents' apartment that I needed to find a place for in my home. Then D died, and I found myself facing my first funeral since Mom's memorial service. Rather than facing my emotions, I set about to avoid them, and to avoid the things that would serve as reminders.

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So we came to Saturday night with the house still a mess, no sermon for Sunday, no funeral written for Sunday afternoon, the house not fit for the board meeting that would be happening after the funeral, and the challenge of trying to figure out when I could meet with the couple I'm marrying next weekend (who are only available to meet with me on weekends due to work obligations). Rather than dig in and tackle these tasks, I continued to avoid, and it was 1:30 Sunday morning before I finally went to bed-- and the sermon and funeral still weren't done. Not the best way to prepare for a very full day.

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At some point I realized that I was avoiding things that were painful to face, and that in the process of avoiding, I'd dug myself into a pretty deep hole. I was exhausted yesterday, but made it through worship and then Daughter folded funeral bulletins while I figured out all the liturgy. We had time to eat at McDonald's before the funeral, and then skipped the funeral dinner (after I did the obligatory prayer) so I could finish preparations for the board meeting. We had just finished supper (with fresh picked corn courtesy of one of the members) when the couple arrived for their premarital counseling.

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All that I accomplished by avoiding my grief was create a great deal of stress for myself. It would have been less painful to face my grief and have a good cry. Matters weren't helped by the fact that I worked every day last week, visiting the hospital, nursing home, grieving family, and/or funeral home. That gave rise to lots of emotions I had to work very hard to avoid-- which is exhausting.

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Today I'm not going to do church work (it is supposed to be my day off, after all). I'm going to pull pork to put in the freezer for my Dad's birthday celebration. I'm going to experiment with a blueberry dessert. I'm going to seek to bring some order to the chaos of my home and find places for the treasures I brought back with me. As I deal with those treasures, I will grieve. Daughter is safely at the workshop, so she won't be hovering and asking me what's wrong. When she gets home, we're going to go see the Harry Potter movie. We'll go out to eat after the movie. I will use my day off to address the stress in my life. I will make time for something fun tonight.

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My hope is that be facing my grief I will begin to heal and will be able to face the challenges of the week and be more effective in my work. The cost of avoiding it was just too high last week.

An Apt Analogy

Trying to work with Daughter on various projects can be quite frustrating. She is slow. Very slow. Slower than molasses in winter slow. She was helping me unload the grocery cart into the car today. I put in 3 bags and 2 5 gallon water bottles in the time it took her to put 1 5 gallon water bottle in the car. She is also has spatial disabilities. Tell her to move right, and she'll go left. Tell her to come forward and she'll go sideways. Tell her something is on the floor right behind her and she'll move forward and look of in who knows what direction.

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I bought a new desk chair at the warehouse store today. The old one has has a spring poking my left thigh for several years, and the height doesn't adjust. I'm having problems I know are connected with working on my computer with the keyboard too high. I'm getting a small inheritance from Mom, so today I bought a new desk chair. I wrestled the box out of the car and onto the back steps. Daughter wanted me to take it back down the steps because she couldn't figure out how to get around it. I told her to just hold the door open. I stood inside the door and she was standing outside, I told her to lift up on her end and I'd lift up on mine. I would have done it all myself, but she was concerned it was too heavy for me and I'd hurt my back. She put her hands in the appropriate spot, but she didn't lift. I finally lifted my end and pulled it up the last step. We got it into the back porch, and she's grunting and groaning at her end. "Just push it." She looked confused and took her hands off the box. I easily pulled it forward on the carpet runner.

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One year Brother went camping with us. We decided to go canoeing one day. He got a kayak, and Daughter and I were in a canoe. I would give Daughter directions and she would do the opposite of what I was telling her. At lunch I informed him we were trading, and I'd take the kayak for the afternoon. That evening he told me that canoeing with Daughter was like trying to push a shopping cart with a broken front wheel. I thought that was an apt analogy. She wants to be helpful, she just isn't able to comprehend spatial directions. Occasionally it would be nice to have someone who could truly help me push something heavy, but she's more likely to pull against my pushing. She has a difficult time maneuvering a shopping cart, too.

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It's one of the little things that can be both surprising and annoying. A broken wheel on a shopping cart.

More Thoughts on Camping

I love walking in the woods. We go camping so I get away from people and take those long walks. For me, they are very healing. I always get a list of hiking trails in the area where we are camping, and then read the descriptions carefully looking for day trips for us. We don't go for long hikes, but we will go for several miles on various trails, and fewer people who are on them, the better. Daughter is not as enthused about my passion for spending time walking through forests. Even the promise of a view at the end does not do much to increase her enthusiasm. She complains about how exhausted she is and how she can't possibly go another step. I have discovered, though, that when I finally believe her and we head back to the trail head and the car, she has a spurt of energy and will find the strength to run with enthusiasm, urging me to hurry up. Once in the car, she never shows signs of fatigue. I would find that her complaining had not only shortened my time in the woods, it hadn't taken the pleasure out of what time I had there. I began to tell her that everytime she complained, I would add another mile onto the hike. This helped some, but I still had the knowledge that my companion was not happy about our current activity and was counting the steps until we could return to the car.

This year I made a deal with Daughter. If she would accompany me on hikes without complaining, we would do the things she wanted to do the following day. She thought this sounded like a good idea. So, we set off on our hikes and she didn't complain. When she stopped complaining, she began to discover that there were good things about hikes. She began to point out small critters in the forest, and stop me so we could listen for a woodpecker. She admitted that she enjoyed the hikes. She became a cheerleader during the particularly strenuous uphill walks, "Come on, Mom, we can do it!"

After our first day of hiking, we spent the next day at an outlet mall with an Old Navy outlet. She was delighted to be wearing a smaller size, and thrilled with the new clothes I purchased for her. I was pleased with the bargains we found, and the L'eggs, Hanes, Bali store gave me the opportunity to buy the underwear we'll need for the coming year. We were both pleased, and she was very willing to undertake a hike the following day. The beautiful picture above is from the hike we took the following day. There was a bench there where we rested, enjoyed the view, and she checked her blood sugar and ate a snack.

By the end of our week, she was talking about how she couldn't wait for next year, and how much fun she'd had. She still had moments of complaining, and was still convinced that the smoke from the campfires was out to get her and the insects were going to kill her, but she was much happier, and our trip was much more relaxing as a result. I guess we both are able to learn-- at least in some areas.

When Will I Learn?

I've often wondered when Daughter will learn something, but I've decided that I've been asking the wrong question. The question is not when will she learn, the question is when will I learn? When will I learn that if I'm not checking her bedroom and closet regularly, she will wad her clean clothes up and hide them in the corner instead of hanging them up properly? When will I learn that it's not enough to ask her if she's keeping her blood sugar records, I need to see them? When will I learn that if I'm not inspecting her teeth or toothbrush, she will insist she is brushing her teeth when she isn't? When will I learn that she isn't going to put family items away properly, and she won't remember where she hid them when we next need them?

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I keep forgetting that her body may be 22, but emotionally and intellectually she's no where close to 22. I keep forgetting that she doesn't learn from her mistakes, and cause and effect is not something she understands. I forget, because I want her to learn and grow. I want to think she's not going to be perpetually 8. I have decided, though, that I need to learn. Both of us will be much less frustrated when I learn to accept her limitations, and work around them. She may not be able to learn, but hopefully I will.

Tremors

Daughter has been experiencing severe tremors lately. They could be a medication side effect, or the result of switching to a generic for her seizure medication. (Insurance said I'd have to pay $570 a month to keep her on the name brand, as her neurologist wanted. I said we'd try the generic and file an appeal when she had a seizure.) When she focuses on them and tries to stop them, they get worse, and she panics. If she is distracted, they get better.

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Today I called and talked to the nurse at the psychiatrist's office. The tremors could be a side effect of the lithium, but Daughter isn't very stable right now, so we're reluctant to reduce her medication more. I'm taking her in for blood levels Saturday morning, then we'll make a decision about adjusting medication next week.

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Daughter is quite frustrated by the tremors, and continues to fight against them, even though I have pointed out that that makes things worse. At softball practice tonight we could see her shorts shaking, the tremors were so bad. She called me into the dugout after her turn at bat. I distracted her with things going on on the field, and they stopped. I point out how this works, but she can't or won't shift her focus on her own. She's very frustrated that I can't fix this immediately.

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I hope that the blood levels on her medications will provide the information needed to figure out how to reduce the tremors. I know it is very frustrating for her. I share her frustration. There are times when life just isn't fair.

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Last night she broke a mug that had been a favor at my parents' 50th wedding anniversary party. She sobbed, even as I assured her it was okay and we had more. "But Mom, I feel like I just broke Grandma and Grandpa, not the mug." Mom's death really hit her hard, and I find myself wondering how much her grief and stress are contributing to the tremors.

Why I Go Camping

For years my pattern was to disappear for 4 weeks in July. We'd go to the conference we attend annually and I'd reflect on the past year of ministry and wind down. We'd spend time with family, and we'd go camping for at least a week, if not longer. By the time we returned, I'd be refreshed, renewed, and excited about new possibilities. I'd be ready for another year of ministry.

Several years ago, things conspired to prevent us from camping for several years. Daughter had a summer where she had 3 psychiatric hospitalizations. She wasn't stable enough to handle camping. Then my parents' health began to deteriorate, and vacation time was spent tending to their needs. I missed that time in the woods, but I didn't realize how much until I was able to camp this year.

Away from our normal routine and distractions, I made some discoveries about my interactions with Daughter. We were sitting in a downtown shopping area one afternoon and I watched a mother and her daughter walk by, talking animatedly about something. I realized that most of my conversations with Daughter involve teaching, being therapeutic, or her health. "What's your blood sugar?" "Pull the zipper back and try again." "What are the good things that have happened today? Put your focus on those things." "What did you learn from your mistake?" "Take some deep breaths and relax."

Now I'm not sure that Daughter is capable of the kind of give and take I saw that pair engaging in that day, but I do think I need to make more of an effort to just be present with her, and not as teacher or therapist. There were two incidents that helped make this clear to me. One morning she sat down at the picnic table to check her blood sugar and said, "Oh, that's what that battery meant." A battery had been showing up on her meter for some time, but she didn't know what it meant. Now, the meter was dead. Fortunately, we had a back-up, but I told her she needed to tell me these things so we could be prepared. She informed me she had. I insisted she hadn't. Then she said the words that stung, "Well, if you'd get off the phone and pay attention to me, maybe you would have known." Another time we were sitting side by side in chairs next to the campfire. The smoke drifted over towards her, and she made sounds of frustration. I suggested if the smoke was bothering her, she move her chair. "But I want to be near you."

Trying to practice what I seek to teach her, I looked at what I could learn from these incidents. I need to be more attentive to her and just spend more time with her. I resolved that I would spend less time on the computer and the TV and more time just being with her. We will go for walks, play cards, and hopefully have conversations about things other than her physical or emotional health.

Daughter always struggles when we camp, because she needs her routine. This year she allowed herself to enjoy it more, and told me she is looking forward to next year. I suspect that at least part of the reason is because she finally had my undivided attention, and we were able to have fun together. I need to make sure that we have those times throughout the year, and not just in July.

The Honor of Being a Pastor

This morning I went to the nursing home to catch up with the saints and then over to the hospital to visit the 93 year old saint in ICU. She had been asking about her friends at the nursing home last night, so I promised to check on them before I visited today.

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When I got to ICU, she was alone. She is still weak, and was worn out from her bath. I pulled a chair up next to her bed and sat down beside her. We talked, and I read her a portion of Psalm 27 and prayed with her. As I was getting ready to leave, she called me back. She wanted to tell me about a strange experience she had.

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Her family had told me that the other night they thought she was dying, and she had been in a lot of pain and calling out to God. She has often told me she wonders why she is still here. Her husband died years ago. So this morning, she told me the following story: "I was talking to God, just having a conversation like I always do. I asked God to come to me and put his arms around me. I was struggling and asking God for help. I asked God to put his arms around me and lift me up and hold me." She went on, describing her prayer, building up the courage to share what she wanted to tell me. "Then I saw these giant arms coming down and holding me. They were just there, these arms. I keep thinking about them."

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I think she was afraid I'd laugh. I told her that what she saw was a gift from God, and she should hold on to that image to carry her through the hard times. I assured her that even though she could no longer see them, God's arms were still wrapped around her. I am honored to be walking with her through this illness, and by sharing her experience with me this morning, she gave me a wonderful gift. It is at times like this that I am in awe of the honor it is to be a pastor.

Home

We arrived home from our adventures yesterday just before 5:00. We had stopped at the kennel on our way into Tiny Village to pick up Cat and Kitten, who were as delighted to be home as we are.

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There was a message on my machine about a woman who was hospitalized and not doing well. We unloaded the car, and headed to the hospital. I felt bad that her family didn't know I was on vacation. Fortunately, they had figured it out and found another minister to come in and give her comfort. I had a brief visit with them, and then took Daughter out to eat and we got groceries.

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While I was away, I was contacted by a search committee about a position in a church a couple of hours from here. I spent some time last night researching the congregation on the Internet, and sent an email with my observations of their congregation and expressing my interest in the position. We'll see. I am being more proactive in my search for a new position, and have expanded the area I'm willing to consider greatly.

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Daughter did remarkably well with vacation this year. I also noticed a number of things I don't notice when we're in our normal routine. She has a very low tolerance for frustration, and isn't able to step back and consider different ways to approach a task. She is still very volatile. We were in the car and she was showing signs of frustration. I asked her what was wrong and that really set her off.

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I became aware of some changes I need to make in our routine. I'm going to cut back on both computer and TV time. My hope is to share some of the specifics of our vacation experiences over the next few days. For now, though, it is good to be home. It is good to hear Daughter singing on the front porch as she waits for the bus to pick her up and take her to the workshop. It is good to have Cat sleeping at my feet again, and to sleep in my own bed.

Camping

After 2 restful nights in a motel, today we pack up and start the next phase of our vacation. We'll go to church and then head north. My hope is to have camp set up and get a campfire going for dinner by 7:00. I think we'll make pizzas in our pie irons tonight. The weather forecast looks good, but that's no guarantee, of course.

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Daughter is excited, because we'll go back to some places she enjoyed and I've promised her a day of shopping. I know there will be some complaints along the way. There always are. I'm concerned because she has been taking long naps every afternoon. That could be a challenge with all I want to do. Hopefully it has been boredom, and not medication issues.

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I doubt I'll be online much the next week. It's truly going to be a break from everything. It will be good, and I suspect I'll find it challenging, too! I have always enjoyed camping, and I know our time in the woods will be renewing.

Hangin' with My Niece

I'm at Sister's house right now. Daughter is sleeping. I have laundry in the washer and dryer. Niece is playing a computer game. She's 4 years old-- and it's a spelling game. She spells 95% of the words properly. She keeps reminding me of how well she spells for a 4 year old. Sister is packing, as tomorrow they are getting on a plane to go visit Far Away Sister.

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This is a different visit for us. We will be staying in a motel-- it's the first time we've been here and haven't stayed with family. It is also the shortest time we've had with family. The family is changing. Mom is gone, and Dad is in a nursing home. It's a fancy nursing home, but it is still a nursing home. I grieve some of the changes, but I'm also enjoying the freedom we have to go off and do our own thing.

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Tomorrow Daughter and I will hang with Dad, and then Sunday we will head out on our camping adventure. It looks like we will have excellent weather-- highs in the 70's and lows in the 50's and sunny. It will be great weather for hiking.

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I'm tired, but it is a good tired, a content tired. I'm looking forward to campfires and walks in the woods.

Snapshots

Last night Daughter was downstairs with a group of about 20 adults and youth who were sitting in a circle and talking. Daughter decided to give them all back rubs, so she made her way around the group, giving everyone a brief back rub. They loved it. They had a napkin they were passing around ahead of her because they were all drooling in anticipation.

Today I made Daughter walk around the lake with me. One end is shallow and marshy, and there is a bridge over it. I took the picture from that bridge. We also saw a pair of swans. After I forced her to go, she enjoyed our walk.

This evening the closing hymn in worship was "Here I Am, Lord." That was the closing hymn at Mom's memorial service. I stood there and sobbed. Daughter was quite concerned, and found a friend to comfort me.

Daughter had desperately wanted to sing a song and dedicate it to Grandma during the talent show after worship, but I vetoed the idea. She always tortures herself when she's in the talent show. Before I could even ask, they had decided to have everyone sing Amazing Grace in the talent show in memory of Mom. Once again, I lost it. But there was lots of good humor in the talent show. The youth made a joyful noise to the Lord on kazoos. There was lots of good, clean humor. We had an opera singer serenade us, and a teenager sang a song she had written. A kindergartner put her feet on her head, and we all shook our bushy tales. There was a slide show of a bunch of face book pictures because people have been having difficulty getting online this week, and they were concerned about withdrawal.

In short, this has been a wonderful week of worship, learning, fellowship, and renewal. We say tomorrow after breakfast.

The Labyrinth

This afternoon there was an indoor labyrinth set up for our use. I let Daughter sleep after lunch, but at 4:00, I woke her up to go with me to the labyrinth. We walked over, and her awesome teacher was explaining it to her. She said, "This is a place of peace," and Daughter began to cry. I held her as she cried, and finally she told me that peace had been a word in Grandma's memorial service.

She didn't want to walk the labyrinth, so she sat with awesome teacher while I walked it. There were slips of paper with Scripture verses for us to take and reflect on while we were walking the labyrinth. The one I picked up said, "The Lord... gathers the outcasts... heals the broken hearted and binds up their wounds." As I walked I was praying/reflecting on Daughter's current emotional state and the possibility that we will be moving to a new community. I pondered how she will handle it.

The path of the labyrinth goes toward the center and out again, teasing you with the center, and then taking you away from it again. As I prayed for Daughter's healing, I recalled God's presence with us in the past, the way the call to serve in Tiny Village came about, and pondered how there is always strength for the current day's challenges. Right now I don't need the strength for the move, I just need the strength to deal with today's challenges.

As we walked back, I talked to Daughter about grief. I also discovered that she didn't know what grief or peace meant. I explained them to her. She spent some time talking and laughing with the community tonight. I could hear her downstairs, but I sat upstairs, with a smaller group. I decided we both needed time away from each other.

Daughter's tremors are getting worse. I don't know if it's because she's suddenly getting all her psychiatric medications on schedule and she's on too much, or if it's because she's now on a generic version of her seizure medication, and she's having partial seizures. It could also be exhaustion and stress. She slept for 3 1/2 hours this afternoon, and she's been sleeping well at night, too. She didn't want to go to the fireworks tonight. Usually, I make her go. Tonight, I decided to let her go to bed.

The labyrinth and the Scripture verse reminded me that though our path twists and turns, God knows where we need to be and when, and God will bring healing. Daughter will recover from her grief.

Blessings

Our theme this week is "Let your light so shine...." Yesterday evening's worship was in the outdoor chapel. The picture, taken with my blackberry, doesn't do justice to the beauty of the setting sun reflecting off the lake. It was a beautiful setting in which to reflect on the meaning of God's light in our lives and how we can/should reflect that light into the darkness of our world.

At the campfire last night, one of our friends, who was sitting between Daughter and me informed Daughter that when she came here, she gained not only a bunch of brothers and sisters, but a whole group of mothers. Daughter wanted to leave, and I told her she needed to wait a few minutes for me, so our friend put her leg across Daughter's lap so she couldn't leave.

Daughter has loved her first class of the day, which is taught by an old friend of mine. It is about more artistic approaches to God, including movement, dance, music, etc. The second class, which I am in is also taught by an old friend. It has been harder for her, because it is less active. I'm getting lots of good ideas and information, but it's too much information, and Daughter is overwhelmed. Another friend dropped her second class today and recruited Daughter to help her prepare craft material for Vacation Bible School. She brought drinks and snacks with Daughter in mind, so Daughter drank caffeine free diet pop and worked on this project with our friend during that class time. She was much happier.

This is why I love this community so much-- they are sensitive to Daughter and her needs and will bend over backwards to help her and give me a break. I am truly blessed by God in this community. There is friendship, support, worship, beauty, and opportunities to learn and grow. It is why we come here each year.