R & R

I'm enjoying my R&R: Retreat and Respite.

Daughter called yesterday evening, sounding happy. I shared wonderful conversations about life and ministry with my colleagues yesterday evening. It is a wonderful gift to be able to take this time away to worship and reflect on ministry. I am so grateful that I am no longer isolated, like I was in Tiny Village.

The colleague I saw on the board at the one residential placements is here, and I shared with the group that seeing his face was like a message from God. I realized last night that our small little rooms here at a Catholic retreat center are larger than some of the rooms I have looked at for Daughter.

Another of my colleagues here was at camp the week Daughter was at the high school camp. He said that they brought a special helper in to work with her that week. He said the other campers were good with her, but as I suspected, she really didn't fit in well at the high school camp. Next summer we'll stick to the special needs camps.

We have a program this morning, and then, after lunch, I will head back to the church. I wasn't going to bring my computer with me, but I had some writing I needed to finish for Administrative Assistant last night. I'm going to write one more article for her this morning before I pack up the computer and take it out to the car.

Worship

So we went to Short Niece's VBS program this morning. It was during the 9:00 worship service, and the service was short with not much content. It was nice to watch SN and the other kids, but when it was over I found myself long to stay for the later service. I mentioned this desire to Sister. She decided she wanted to go to it, too. She asked Daughter to come to it, and Daughter agreed.
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The second service was exactly what I needed. The preacher was talking about wilderness times in our lives. He spoke to the pain in my heart. Daughter came out of the service crying. She was convicted when we were given silence in which to pray for "family and friends." I reminded her that the preacher talked about our failures leading to spiritual growth.
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After a delicious lunch, we went back to Sister's house. Daughter and SN played on the wii, and Sister and I talked. Daughter promised me to turn it around. She has completed some of the work from yesterday. She's watching TV until 6:30, and the she'd going to come upstairs and clean up her bedroom. She trashed it yesterday while she was packing to move to Previous State. I have had the courage to ask her if that is still what she wants to do. For now, I'm just enjoying an easier afternoon. Tomorrow she will be back in her program, and I will still be on vacation. I'm going to work in the yard. Tuesday, Sister and Short Niece may come to do something fun.

The Power of Joy

This morning I got up, made my bed, put away the clean dishes and then got into the shower. As I was fixing breakfast I was pondering how easy it has been to keep the house clean. I'm working long hours, and I come home energized. I'm overbooked, yet I'm prioritizing and getting done what needs to be done. I was thinking about how much happier I am.

I sat down to read, and this morning's chapter was about the power of love and connectedness. As I read, I realized that my joy is a direct outcome of the love and connections I am feeling in this new place. I was so isolated in Tiny Village. I was always going to be an outsider there. Always. Here, I feel so welcomed and loved. Those connections are feeding my joy, which is energizing me.

This morning, once again, I give thanks to God for calling me to this place at this time. For 4 years I assured Daughter that God would call us to the right place at the right time. As I write this, I can hear Daughter singing. She's sitting in Administrative Assistant's office (alone-- AA doesn't get in until 9:00) stuffing envelopes. The mommy time and love she experienced yesterday have filled her with joy, too.

Worship

Today and next Sunday I will have the opportunity to simply sit in a congregation with no obligation for leading worship. That is an opportunity that I don't get very often (with vacation and study leave, I can do it up to 6 Sunday mornings a year). This year I used some of my vacation for the search process, so I really didn't get as many opportunities as I would have liked.

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Today I will go across town to the church where the theologian is preaching. I will go and be anonymous. I will go and experience worship in a new place. It will be wonderful. Next Sunday my hope is to go and sit in the congregation at Capital. I want to experience worship there before have the responsibility of leading it each week. I look forward to that, too.

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I have gotten out of the habit of listening to podcasts of sermons on a regular basis. I want to put that back into my day, too. I want to be spiritually strong, that I might lead the people of Capital to spiritual growth. I'm excited about beginning ministry with them. There is much to do this week, but I think (hope) that by the time I begin work on the 18th, we will be unpacked and settled in. For today, I am grateful for the opportunity to sit in worship.

Techie

I became a techie and fixed my ipod problem. Maybe now I'll be a bit more patient with Daughter. I understand what has caused today's challenges, it's just that there isn't much I can do to change the reality of my life as a pastor. Since Daughter is home recuperating from her oral surgery, her expectation was lots of attention from Mom. She doesn't realize that I am busy all day while she is gone. She is also anxious because we will be leaving Sunday afternoon for the conference. Change and travel are hard on her.

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The week before we leave for a conference where I have a leadership role is not a good time to schedule 2 medical procedures (my scope on Monday, her wisdom teeth on Wednesday). To further complicate things, Secretary was on vacation this week, and I had several involved/exhausting pastoral care situations. A stressed out preacher mom and a needy kid are not a good combination.

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She overheard a conversation in which I was expressing some of my frustration/stress. Neither of us acknowledged she'd heard it, but her attitude improved greatly following it. We'll make it. The working ipod will make it much easier to keep things in perspective. Sunday night we'll be at the conference, and by Thursday noon my teaching responsibilities will be over. It won't be perfect, but it will be fun, and I'm sure I'll learn more than I teach. That's always renewing for me.

Mission Accomplished

Yesterday evening Daughter came to me and asked, "Are you taking your shower in the morning?"

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"I haven't decided yet. Don't you want to take yours in the morning? I thought this morning was fun."
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"I thought it was torture!"

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I was delighted to know that Daughter had found my cheery shower attitude to be torture. It was what I wanted to happen--she got her way, and it didn't work out as she had hoped.

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I have spent the day running errands. This is the first chance I've had to sit down at the computer. It was a long day, but I got quite a big accomplished. Neurologist is weaning Daughter off one of her seizure medications. We are both pleased. Even Daughter has decided he's okay now that he is getting her off some of her meds. He told me he ran into some people from Tiny Village and told them that the preacher was a good friend of his.

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Daughter was complaining about the fact that they've moved her to a group that doesn't have work at the workshop. She couldn't figure out why. I suggest that if you turn down work enough times, they'll take it away from you and give it to someone else. She was not pleased, but later told Therapist that she had been moved because she "spent too much time standing around, complaining, hiding in the bathroom, and not doing work."

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I thought Flasher was history, and that Phone Harasser was the current flame. As of today, that's changed. She dumped PH and is back with Flasher. She told Therapist, "Do you want to hear the story of all the drama the workshop involving PH, Flasher, and me?"

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I was down yesterday after hearing I'd missed out on another church. Today one of the podcasts I subscribe to spoke directly to my frustration. God always provides something to put things in perspective.

Diversions

This morning I woke up to the sound of birds singing. I have the windows in my bedroom open, and I'm thoroughly enjoying the fresh air and the sounds of nature. After my workout, I cooked breakfast. I made some resurrection buns and some eggs with bacon, potatoes and cheese in them. I decided not to wake Daughter up, since I was pretty sure she would be ugly if I did. As I expected, the smells brought her downstairs. Once again she'd wet the bed, so I asked her to please take the linens from yesterday and put them in the dryer and bring her wet stuff down and put them in the washer. I told her I needed to do laundry, and I didn't want her stuff sitting in the machine all day today like it did yesterday. That set her off. She informed me she was moving out today.

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So, I got out my ipod out and got busy in the kitchen, making resurrection buns, bacon bits, a casserole and cheese cake for tomorrow, and various other things. She came down at one point and told me she felt stupid. I asked her what she was going to do to get off stupid. That made her mad again. I pointed out she was the only one who could change things. I spent 3 hours in the kitchen while she did nothing upstairs. At least she couldn't sneak the remote control upstairs today like she did yesterday, since it is now locked up, along with the medicine, insulin, knives and other sharp objects.

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She came downstairs and watched me dry and put away dishes (her job). As I listened to podcasts of worship services and choral music, I was able to focus on what I was doing. As I was putting the resurrection buns in individual boxes with Easter grass and jelly beans to distribute to the kids tomorrow morning, she asked if she could do something to help. I told her the bathrooms were still in need of cleaning. I gave up on her yesterday and cleaned the dining room and downstairs hall myself.

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I heard her call Therapist yesterday and tell her what the problem was, "I'm not doing my share around the house." She knows what she's doing. She knows it's her own doing. But she gets stuck on stupid and can't seem to move off it.

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I hope she follows through on what needs to be done today. I'm so tired of this. At least I have figured out that escaping into my ipod makes it easier for me to keep going in the midst of her ugliness. When I thanked her for taking some laundry upstairs today, she informed me, "I'm only doing mine." I repeated, "Thank you for putting it away." Not engaging her is hard, but keeping it her problem is key.

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Today I'm grateful for my ipod, which diverts me from the ugliness in my home and reminds me of God's love and grace-- for Daughter and me.

Rubberized

I was contemplating the things I've been doing to strengthen me and keep me focused while Daughter is being so challenging. This morning I received the weekly mailing from a life coach who works with pastors. He offers a free weekly email of tips. This morning he was talking about "rubberizing." It's part of being resilient, and being able to bounce back from challenges and stresses.

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I loved that idea, and the way God sent me a word to explain what I have been doing. Now most of you have never seen me. I'm obese, unathletic, totally lacking in coordination. Exercise and I have never gotten along. As of today, I've only missed 3 days using the wii fit this month, and one of those days was the day after I fell and injured my knee.

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I'm doing 10 minutes of yoga for the stretching-- but none of the exercises that require balance, like standing on one leg. I'm doing 13 minutes of rhythm boxing, and the last two days I've been at 30 minutes of free step. During the free step, I listen to a podcast-- a sermon, teaching or some other thing that connects me to God.

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I have discovered that what they say is true-- I have more energy, feel better, and am more focused when I begin the day with exercise and with God. I'm ending the day by listening to a podcast of evening prayer when I go to bed. I've yet to hear the entire podcast, because I'm quickly asleep.

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I am rubberizing myself with exercise and God, and that is what will get me through the challenges of Holy Week, Daughter, and whatever else life throws my way.

Spring

It feels like Spring today. The temperature outside is 62, so I opened some windows. For the first time since I moved here over 13 years ago, I can easily open the windows since they were all replaced this winter. I can hear birds and kids. Cat sat up and looked out the window for a while. I think he has been more active today, so maybe he will improve some.

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Daughter was picked up a little while ago to go to practice for basketball skills. She did pretty well today, doing a decent job with most of her assigned tasks. I took advantage of her being home to catch up on laundry, which she hates. I love having it all caught up (at least until we get ready for bed tonight). Tomorrow she will go back to the workshop. I will be able to take care of some pastoral care needs with her safely at the workshop.

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I received an email from the church I've been talking to. I had about given up, figuring a rejection letter was in the mail to me. Several of their members are on vacation, so they are waiting for them to return to make a decision. The waiting is hard, but if I am going to move, the longer we have to stabilize Daughter before the move, the better off we are. Notice that I think she can be stabilized. I also read an article today that made me very grateful we didn't get the call to the church I interviewed with at the end of January. They have had draconian cuts to medicaid in that state, making it almost impossible to find providers willing to take any patients with medicaid. While my insurance is primary, I have still found that it is very challenging finding people willing to take her on.

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While life is going to be challenging for the next few weeks, I'm feeling more confident about getting through them. As I mentioned this morning, my devotional material last night and this morning spoke directly to the challenges. Today I wrote the service for next Wednesday evening, and found that it spoke directly to them, too. I guess God realizes I'm a little bit dense, and that one reminder or even 2 or 3 aren't enough to get through my thick skull. I got the message. I'm not in this alone. God did not call me to be Daughter's parent and then abandon me. There will be more blessings in it.

Picking a Fight

The bus picks up Daughter a little after 8:00, so on mornings she's going to the workshop, she has to be up and moving by 7:00. I have decided I'm not going to wake her up, because the longer she's asleep, the longer I have alone in the mornings. So this morning she came strolling down the stairs about 8:30. "Is it too late to call the workshop and have the bus pick me up today?"

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I pointed out the time, and when I got off the phone reminded her that she couldn't go to the workshop because she wasn't keeping herself safe from Flasher. Last night I told her she needed to come up with a plan for the day so she could begin turning things around. She did, and the work she had given herself was reasonable. This morning I added bringing in the recycling bins and putting away the clean dishes to it.

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I went up to her bedroom, and discovered she had put her urine soaked night clothes on the carpet. I called her up and reminded her that I had told her she couldn't put any wet things on the carpet. I told her she was ruining the carpet, and this wasn't even our house, it belonged to the church. She took the items downstairs and added them to the washing machine.

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After she finished breakfast she came into my study and I held out the list. She informed me to forget it. She felt too guilty to do the list, she was just going to work on her room today. I told her it was her choice, but if she didn't take care of the list, there would be consequences. She told me again she wasn't going to do it. I told her that was fine. She tried again. I informed her I wasn't going to fight with her. She stormed upstairs and announced that she wasn't even going to clean her room, she was just going to it. Her room stinks, and the mattress is still wet, so it's not going to be very comfortable up there.

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She came back down and demanded the list. She tried again to pick a fight. Again I refused to take the bait. It could be a very long day. I am determined, though, that this is her problem and will remain her problem.

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As I prepared supper and worked in the kitchen last night, I listened to a wonderful sermon podcast on facing storms. It was exactly what I needed to hear. My devotional material this morning was also right on target. I am not in this alone. As hard as it is, this will remain Daughter's problem.

A New Year

I have to admit, I am glad to leave 2009 behind. It was a painful year in very many ways. I discovered the betrayal of Unauthorized Borrower. Both of my parents died. Daughter was hospitalized twice, and I now must keep all medications locked up. I have to supervise her insulin.

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But through that, there have been good things. These struggles have brought me much closer to Far Away Sister. For the first time in my life, I am not stressed about finances. Without the stress of dealing with my aging parents, I have been able to focus on bringing order to the chaos of my home, and have had the money to hire someone to help me do it. The stress of the last year has resulted in increased patience, a better perspective on priorities, and a deeper faith. I have learned to let go of things. I am more at peace.

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As I look forward to 2010, it is with excitement. I find myself wondering if this is the year that God will call me to a new ministry. I look forward to new opportunities. A young woman in the congregation has gotten a job that will have her working on Sunday mornings. She's asked me to provide her with Scripture and reflections to enable her to continue to grow spiritually when she can't get to worship. I find myself wondering what new ways I might find to provide her with that, and if it is a call to provide it for others, as well.

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With increased energy, I intend to continue the changes I have been making toward a healthier lifestyle for both Daughter and me. I intend to be more active physically, and to continue to improve our diet. I have been doing more cooking and relying less on convenience food, and that is a trend I want to continue and strengthen. I am enjoying have a clean and organized home and office, and want to continue and strengthen that. I also want to continue to let go of things. The year stretches out before me, full of opportunity and promise. I am excited to see where it may lead. May 2010 bring blessings to all of us as God leads us in new and exciting directions.

Gifts

When I come across people like Angry Man, over the years I have learned that the best way to deal with them is to pray for them. When I pray for someone, my attitude towards the individual changes. As I've prayed for AM, I've become aware of some of the pain and stress in his life. I understand why he is so angry, and why he feels the need to control something. Recognizing his pain, I can have more compassion and avoid responding with anger and defensiveness. This ability is a gift from God, not something I can do on my own.

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Today I had a very crazy day scheduled. Two gifts eased the stress considerably: 1. Daughter woke up this morning complaining of not feeling well and asked to stay home. I could have convinced her to go to the workshop, but decided to view this as the gift of 40 minutes, since it meant I didn't have to go to Town to pick her up before taking her to an appointment with her diabetes doctor in the opposite direction. 2. The people I was planning to visit had forgotten another commitment. I'll get back with them next week. That freed up even more time, which I am using on sermon preparation.

Living with Not Knowing

I am a person who deals with stress and challenges by seeking out knowledge and understanding. If I can gain some understanding of behavior, no matter how irrational the behavior, I can deal with it. I have shelves overflowing with books, and with the internet at my disposal, my appetite for answers has become even more voracious.

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This morning Dad is not answering his phone. Far Away Sister and I have both been trying to call him. We don't know why he isn't answering his phone. We think that if he were dead or unconscious, we would have heard by now. But we don't know why he isn't answering his phone. We are concerned. Those who are closer to the situation don't seem to share our concern. Of course, those who are closer to the situation don't seem to share many of our concerns. We think both of them are having a harder time dealing with Dad's decline. Thinking that they are in denial makes it easier for me to deal with some of their strange comments and actions. It's just very hard dealing with not know what is going on. Far Away Sister and I were speculating this morning about what we don't know. Is he just going to die in his sleep some night? Will he be unconscious and unresponsive for some period of time before his death like Mom was?

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Of course, all of this avoids the bigger question: Is he going to come back from this bout of congestive heart failure, or will this be the one that finally kills him?

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I continue to seek a new call, though sporadically due to the stress of Mom's death and Dad's declining health. What I have now discovered is that it looks like it will be impossible for Daughter to step into some kind of program as soon as we move. There are waiting lists everywhere for the most basic services. So now I find myself pondering what I will do with her. Will I be able to find an adult daycare that will accept her? Could I keep her busy with volunteer jobs around a new church? She is not able to stay home alone, and she doesn't do well with unstructured time. Not knowing what I will be able to find or even what might work for her is very frustrating, to say the least. Once again, I'm frustrated by all I don't and can't know.

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Ultimately, all of this is in God's hands. Ultimately, I know it will all work out. I just wish that God would provide me with a little bit more knowledge so that I could be a little more comfortable with life right now. One of my favorite questions is, "What is God teaching you right now?" Right now God is teaching me how to live with not knowing. It's not an easy lesson.

Prayers

This week I received a newsletter that contained a prayer by Thomas Merton:

My Lord God, I have no idea where I am going. I do not see the road ahead of me. I cannot know for certain where it will end. Nor do I really know myself, and the fact that I think I am following your will does not mean that I am actually doing so. But I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you. And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing. I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire. And I know that if I do this, you will lead me by the right road, though I may know nothing about it. Therefore, I will trust you always though I may seem to be lost in the shadow of death. I will not fear, for you are ever with me, and you will never leave me to face my perils alone.

This spoke powerfully to me, as I look at the possibility of moving. I have placed it where I can see it every day. It will help me through these days of uncertainty.

Daughter came to me to talk about her anxiety yesterday. She was worrying about so many different things. I made her get some paper and write down the things she was worrying about. Of course the possibility of a move was near the top of her list. I handed her an envelope on which I had written, "God." I had her fold up the paper and seal it inside the envelope. "You have given your worries to God now. He'll take care of them for you. They are still here, and you can come back to see them if you'd like, but for now, they are in God's hands and God will take care of them."

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Now I was not at all sure this would work, but she did as I instructed (complaining about the taste of the glue on the envelope), and got up to do her chores. At least for last night there was no more mention of anxiety, and her tremors were much improved. I hope that this will help her cope with her stress and ease her anxiety.

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Change is hard for most people, but for Daughter, it is especially hard. I know that this will be an ongoing struggle as we approach moving. I wish I could tell her something more concrete, but for now, we're both going to have to live in the midst of the uncertainty, trusting that God will take us to the right place at the right time. For Daughter, who continues to struggle with trust, it will be especially hard.

Decluttering

Yesterday I began the process of decluttering with my desk. I filled the recycling bin with paper, much of it shredded. This morning I continued the decluttering process with my spiritual life. The truth is, my spiritual life has not been great lately. I've been avoiding spending time alone with God. This morning I was up, Daughter was still asleep, and I knew it was time to engage with God. I listened to a Saturday morning prayer service on my ipod, and then paused it to spend time with Scripture, in prayer, and reflecting in my journal. I engaged in a spiritual decluttering.

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I discovered that I am very angry with God right now. That's why I've been avoiding God. The irony is that I regularly urge people to take their anger to God. I tell them that God is big enough to handle it. I make the confirmation class write a prayer in which they express anger at God. I explain to them that if they aren't able to take their anger at God, when they do get angry (and we all do), they will turn their backs on God rather than going to God and releasing the anger.

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This morning I followed my own advice, which was long overdue. I knew I was angry over my mother's illness-- her death brought healing, but I'm angry that she was robbed of her ability to communicate, robbed of the opportunity to travel and enjoy her retirement years. When she first retired, they were taking care of Dad's mother. By the time Gram died, my parents' health was not good enough to allow them to enjoy travel. What surprised me is how angry I am at Daughter's challenges. She's an 8 year old in a 22 year old's body. She is saddled with physical illnesses that she can't manage because of her mental illness and developmental disability. I still remember her words to me when she was struggling with the reality of living with diabetes, "Mom, it's not fair. It's one more thing that makes me different." It isn't fair. It isn't fair that she was born into an abusive family. It isn't fair that she has a low IQ. It isn't fair that she got rotten genes. It isn't fair. I tell her that life isn't fair. It seems like she's had way too much dumped on her, with limited abilities to cope with all that has been dumped.

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I'm angry that I am still here in Tiny Village. My ministry here is not as effective as it was at one time. There are key families within the church who want me gone for a variety of reasons, but they don't dare display their animosity openly because there are many more people who are very grateful for my ministry and all I've done here. As a result, I'm constantly dealing with passive aggressive stuff and subtle sabotage of my ministry. Moving is complicated by Daughter's needs, which severely limits my options, multiplying my anger.

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This morning I began the process of expressing my anger to God. It will be a process, but I know that God will now help me heal and move beyond that anger. I've begun decluttering my spiritual life, by addressing the emotions that were getting in the way of it. Just beginning the process created much energy. Daughter and I went out and began cleaning out the garage. We sorted through our camping equipment and threw some of it out, identified other things that can be donated, and put the rest away in an organized manner. We now have much more room in the garage.

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There is much more decluttering to do-- in our home, the garage, our personal lives, my spiritual life. I feel much more equipped to address it now. I am going to finish the sermon for tomorrow, celebrate a wedding this afternoon, and then we'll go to the City to meet an old friend for supper. This morning I received an email from a search committee. They are interested in more information from me. At the right time, God will call me to the right place. I can prepare myself by continuing to declutter my life.

Seeing God's Hand

Last week one of the teenagers in the church brought me a note from his mother. She wanted me to add her brother-in-law, who had just been diagnosed with a serious disease, to the prayer list. I asked if this man was related to someone who has been attending and has the same last name. The teenager didn't think his uncle was connected to that family. Since the last name is relatively common in this area (I know at least 3 different clans that share the last name in this area), I didn't think any more about it. The bulletin was done, so I promised I'd announce it during worship on Sunday morning. Midway through the service, I realized I'd forgotten. I decided I'd say something before the benediction. That afternoon, I realized I'd forgotten again. I was quite frustrated with myself, and with the reality that my brain still isn't working the way I'd like.

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During the joys and concerns at the board meeting, I mentioned this man's name and that I had forgotten to announce him as a prayer concern. Several of the board members thought they knew him, and thought he was the brother of the man who has been attending regularly. So when I saw the brother for pre-marital counseling later that evening, I asked. He told me it was, indeed, his younger brother. He had learned of his illness during dinner that very day. I have decided that it was a good thing my brain was not working very well and I forgot (twice) to mention the prayer concern. I've decided maybe God's hand was at work. I would not have wanted this man to find out that his brother had an illness requiring prayers during the worship service.

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After my time in the woods while we were camping, I've been more aware of nature around me. I've been seeking to be more conscious of the beauty around me. There have been the most beautiful wildflowers in bloom on the route to Town. I've also had the joy of seeing deer twice in a field on the way to town. One day I saw two does and 3 fawns. Daughter was with me, and we were both delighted by the treat. I was also grateful that they were munching soybeans and not running across the road in front of me.

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Last night Daughter decided to be more cooperative. The fact that she wanted me to take her to her softball game might have had something to do with the improved attitude. Her cooperation gave me the boost I needed to tackle 2 jobs I had been avoiding: clearing off my desk and filing an expense report. Both are now done, and I am feeling like I am overcoming this depression. Today I realized I had been approaching Sunday's sermon all wrong, and I'm now excited about the direction it is taking. I will know joy again.

The Labyrinth

This afternoon there was an indoor labyrinth set up for our use. I let Daughter sleep after lunch, but at 4:00, I woke her up to go with me to the labyrinth. We walked over, and her awesome teacher was explaining it to her. She said, "This is a place of peace," and Daughter began to cry. I held her as she cried, and finally she told me that peace had been a word in Grandma's memorial service.

She didn't want to walk the labyrinth, so she sat with awesome teacher while I walked it. There were slips of paper with Scripture verses for us to take and reflect on while we were walking the labyrinth. The one I picked up said, "The Lord... gathers the outcasts... heals the broken hearted and binds up their wounds." As I walked I was praying/reflecting on Daughter's current emotional state and the possibility that we will be moving to a new community. I pondered how she will handle it.

The path of the labyrinth goes toward the center and out again, teasing you with the center, and then taking you away from it again. As I prayed for Daughter's healing, I recalled God's presence with us in the past, the way the call to serve in Tiny Village came about, and pondered how there is always strength for the current day's challenges. Right now I don't need the strength for the move, I just need the strength to deal with today's challenges.

As we walked back, I talked to Daughter about grief. I also discovered that she didn't know what grief or peace meant. I explained them to her. She spent some time talking and laughing with the community tonight. I could hear her downstairs, but I sat upstairs, with a smaller group. I decided we both needed time away from each other.

Daughter's tremors are getting worse. I don't know if it's because she's suddenly getting all her psychiatric medications on schedule and she's on too much, or if it's because she's now on a generic version of her seizure medication, and she's having partial seizures. It could also be exhaustion and stress. She slept for 3 1/2 hours this afternoon, and she's been sleeping well at night, too. She didn't want to go to the fireworks tonight. Usually, I make her go. Tonight, I decided to let her go to bed.

The labyrinth and the Scripture verse reminded me that though our path twists and turns, God knows where we need to be and when, and God will bring healing. Daughter will recover from her grief.

Celebrating Life

I will soon be leading a memorial service for a woman who was a longtime member of the church. I knew her, but not well, as she had moved to be closer to family members shortly after I arrived here. She died last fall, but the family decided to wait until now to bring her cremains here to be interred beside her husband.

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In the past week, I have had the pleasure of talking with all of her descendants by phone. They called to share memories of Grandma, and I am grateful for all they shared. For me, the opportunity to celebrate the life of one of the saints is a distinct honor. J was over 90 years old, and she had a great impact on the lives of those she met. Each time I spoke with one of her grandchildren, I felt like I must be talking to her favorite grandchild, as I couldn't imagine her having such a close relationship with all of her grandchildren.

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Each described a woman of deep faith who listened to them and accepted them where they were, while encouraging them to move to a better place. They knew that she loved and accepted them, no matter what. She could talk to anyone, as she had so many interests. She was always eager to learn, and technological advances fascinated her. She was a student of the Bible, and would have deep, long discussions about various passages. She wanted to learn more, and had an open mind. Too many people view the Bible as a rule book, and use it as a weapon against those who they disagree with or who are doing things that they view as evil. Her approach was much less rigid. She was always willing to learn and modify her opinion. She saw the Bible as a love story, not a rule book.

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Her daughter told me that she was always reading at least two books: a trashy novel and a devotional book. As she grew older and less able to do things for others, she found new ways to minister. She had a long list of people for whom she made cards. She was especially concerned with her older friends, who might feel isolated and lonely. If anyone had a right to feel isolated and lonely, it was J, who had moved several states away from all her friends. She was happy, though, and her family loved her as much as she loved them.

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It will be an honor to celebrate her life here on earth and her life in heaven and offer comfort to her family and friends. I wish I had known her better, as she truly was a remarkable woman. I hope that people will remember me as someone who accepted and loved people as they are while encouraging them to move to a better place. I hope that I will always be able to reach out to those who are in need, and find new ways to do it when I am no longer able to get around as much. I hope I will never use the Bible to beat anyone up, but will always point to it as the story of God's great love for us.

A Question

A number of years ago, a colleague shared with me a question that had stumped him in an interview. He was asked, "What is God teaching you right now?" It's a question I have come back to a number of times since, and I reflected on it last week as I prepared my sermon for today.

I believe that right now I am learning to live in uncertainty. Like most people, I want to have some sense of control over my life. The last few months, though, between my parents health problems and Daughter's issues have been full of unexpected twists and turns. It has been hard to plan anything, because I've been living on edge, waiting for the call that will cause me to drop everything and head off to be with family as we mourn the death of a parent.

I have been torn about seeking a new position, knowing that my ministry in this place is winding down, but facing the reality of limited possibilities near family and a reluctance to move further away in light of my parents' health issues.

Then there have been the larger issues in our society: the economic downturn and now the swine flu (have I mentioned how many hog farmers there are in the congregation I serve?)

In short, my life has felt very much out of control. I'm learning to live in the midst of the chaos, and to make plans and be willing to change plans. I'm learning that my security comes not from the circumstances around me, but from my faith in God. These aren't easy lessons, but they are important ones, and I'm beginning to learn how to put them into practice. I'm learning not to react to every health change my parents' experience. I'm learning to find peace in the midst of the chaos. That is what God is teaching me right now.

Good Friday

We had a worship service last night, so we don't have one today. Daughter is off today, and wants to go out and have fun. Even though I'm not leading worship, I'm not going out to have fun. I will spend much of this afternoon in prayer and reflection, which will drive Daughter crazy (which will not be conducive to quiet reflection on my part.)

Since we are staying home for Easter, we will need to figure out what we are having for Easter dinner and make a grocery list. Tomorrow we will have a significant amount of running around to do in town. I just gave Daughter a chore list for today, in hopes of keeping her occupied and out of my hair. She began with protests, of course, but is now adding to it. I've promised her TV time if she gets things done.

Dad is moving to rehab today, but not the one we had hoped for. He's going to the one Brother picked out that is convenient to Brother. It doesn't have great inspection reports, and his doctor doesn't go there. Dad is already saying that when he gets out he wants a live-in for a week. The whole point of rehab was to get him strong enough that he won't need a live-in, and when he gets home, he tends to get weaker, not stronger.

Mom is not doing as well. She is less responsive and engaged. She is eating less. We're leaving her on hospice. We're taking one day at a time. Today is Good Friday, and Easter is coming.