Decluttering

Yesterday I began the process of decluttering with my desk. I filled the recycling bin with paper, much of it shredded. This morning I continued the decluttering process with my spiritual life. The truth is, my spiritual life has not been great lately. I've been avoiding spending time alone with God. This morning I was up, Daughter was still asleep, and I knew it was time to engage with God. I listened to a Saturday morning prayer service on my ipod, and then paused it to spend time with Scripture, in prayer, and reflecting in my journal. I engaged in a spiritual decluttering.

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I discovered that I am very angry with God right now. That's why I've been avoiding God. The irony is that I regularly urge people to take their anger to God. I tell them that God is big enough to handle it. I make the confirmation class write a prayer in which they express anger at God. I explain to them that if they aren't able to take their anger at God, when they do get angry (and we all do), they will turn their backs on God rather than going to God and releasing the anger.

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This morning I followed my own advice, which was long overdue. I knew I was angry over my mother's illness-- her death brought healing, but I'm angry that she was robbed of her ability to communicate, robbed of the opportunity to travel and enjoy her retirement years. When she first retired, they were taking care of Dad's mother. By the time Gram died, my parents' health was not good enough to allow them to enjoy travel. What surprised me is how angry I am at Daughter's challenges. She's an 8 year old in a 22 year old's body. She is saddled with physical illnesses that she can't manage because of her mental illness and developmental disability. I still remember her words to me when she was struggling with the reality of living with diabetes, "Mom, it's not fair. It's one more thing that makes me different." It isn't fair. It isn't fair that she was born into an abusive family. It isn't fair that she has a low IQ. It isn't fair that she got rotten genes. It isn't fair. I tell her that life isn't fair. It seems like she's had way too much dumped on her, with limited abilities to cope with all that has been dumped.

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I'm angry that I am still here in Tiny Village. My ministry here is not as effective as it was at one time. There are key families within the church who want me gone for a variety of reasons, but they don't dare display their animosity openly because there are many more people who are very grateful for my ministry and all I've done here. As a result, I'm constantly dealing with passive aggressive stuff and subtle sabotage of my ministry. Moving is complicated by Daughter's needs, which severely limits my options, multiplying my anger.

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This morning I began the process of expressing my anger to God. It will be a process, but I know that God will now help me heal and move beyond that anger. I've begun decluttering my spiritual life, by addressing the emotions that were getting in the way of it. Just beginning the process created much energy. Daughter and I went out and began cleaning out the garage. We sorted through our camping equipment and threw some of it out, identified other things that can be donated, and put the rest away in an organized manner. We now have much more room in the garage.

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There is much more decluttering to do-- in our home, the garage, our personal lives, my spiritual life. I feel much more equipped to address it now. I am going to finish the sermon for tomorrow, celebrate a wedding this afternoon, and then we'll go to the City to meet an old friend for supper. This morning I received an email from a search committee. They are interested in more information from me. At the right time, God will call me to the right place. I can prepare myself by continuing to declutter my life.