Short Crisis Leading into Great Day

Daughter called this morning, hysterical. She had a run-in with a staff member over medication issues. She claims staff member called me a d***** f******* liar. I told her it didn't bother me, which shocked her. I pointed out she'd called me far worst. She wanted me to come get her immediately because she wasn't safe there. I ran through the usual song and dance and told her I'd address the medication issue. I sent an email to Regional Director. I didn't include Case Manager on it (I suspect that staff was read the riot act on Daughter's medication issues and IF the staff member went off on Daughter it was because she was afraid of being fired for messing up.) I listed the usual disclaimers and asked her to look for what had become of the paperwork from Daughter's doctor's appointment, which included prescriptions for the medications in question and which the home claims they don't have. I suspect they have gotten lost in the chaos there. Daughter called back after breakfast to tell me she was better. I reminded her I had a meeting all day and wouldn't be available until after 4:00. Amazingly, she hasn't called again, and it's after 5:30.
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The planning retreat for the boards today was awesome. We covered an amazing amount of material. I paced for almost 6 hours as I led the discussions. We celebrated the accomplishments of 2011 (and we came up with a number of accomplishments), evaluated our progress on the priorities we'd set for ourselves last year, and set new goals for this year. It really felt like we were moving forward in exciting ways. The focus for this year is going to be on growing and caring for the congregation. We spent some time making plans after we split into the separate boards. The attendance was amazing. Of the 18 people on the boards, only the two people who are out of town didn't attend. We are forming a task force to begin making plans for our 40th anniversary, which takes place in 3 years. We've already had 4 people volunteer to work on it, and one of them will serve as convener.
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I finished the last meeting at 3:00. I transcribed all the information we put on newsprint and have emailed that to everyone. I've already received minutes from the board meeting I missed. Once again I am feeling very blessed to be serving with this congregation. We talked some about my plans for a sabbath/personal retreat tomorrow, and they were very supportive of it. One of the priorities we set for me last year was self-care. I named moving Daughter out as an important part of my self-care.
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I'm excited about the opportunities this coming year will bring. I have started a fire in the fire place, and this evening I'm going to relax. Tomorrow I will begin working through the guide to retreat workbook, but only after I sleep in for a bit. On Monday I'll begin working on the newsletter and all the other things that need to get done this week. I'm looking forward to a week full of a variety of different opportunities for ministry. I love my life.

Strength for Today

This morning I read a passage from Romans. Romans 12:12 spoke powerfully to me today: "Rejoice in hope, be patient in suffering, persevere in prayer."
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Daughter is already up-- when you spend an entire day sleeping you don't need as much sleep at night. She has promised to make today a better day, and she is currently listening to Christian music, "My day goes better when I start by listening to my Christian music, Mom." I begin this new day rejoicing in the hope that Daughter will make it a better day. We are headed to church with Sister and Short Niece today. It is their Vacation Bible School program, so we will get to see Short Niece be a part of that. I'm glad that I'm off today so that we can do that.
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Yesterday my patience was wearing thin. Hopefully my supply of patience will be refilled by a better day with Daughter and time with Sister and Short Niece. I know that it is only prayer that carries me through the hard days with Daughter. Interestingly, when I was writing the verse from memory I changed "prayer" to "love." It is prayer that enables me to continue to love Daughter.
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Loving Daughter through the ups and downs of life has given me a greater understanding of God's love. If I can continue to love Daughter, in spite of all she puts me through, how much more does God love? I view my human love as an imperfect reflection of God's perfect love. That is also a source of hope for me today: God's love for Daughter and me.
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I'm looking forward to a better day.

Toddler Check-ins

I remember in a psychology class in college reading about how toddlers will venture out and explore, never getting to far from their mothers. Every so often, they just have to go back to their moms for some reassurance, and after they touch base with mom, they'll go back out and explore again.
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Daughter was doing that all day today. I left the room before she was dressed to attend morning prayer. She joined me there, and then we went to breakfast together. After breakfast we went up to worship, where she sat in front of me. She went off to her class and I went to mine. After about 75 minutes, I got a text that she wanted to join me, it wasn't working helping with the kids. My response was, "Make it work. I know you can."
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A few minutes later, she appeared at my classroom door. The class was full, and I was not encouraging. One of the men was getting her a chair and she turned around and vanished. We ate lunch together, and then she came back to the room and napped. I was sitting outside with some friends chatting. Several times she'd appear and come behind me to hug me and put her head on my shoulder. She made several attempts to pull me away from the conversations, and when that didn't work, she'd disappear to go do something else.
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The pattern continued into the evening. She'd come to check in, seeking a hug and reassurance, and then go off to join others. I was reminded of those toddlers in that ancient psychology book. In many ways, she still functions at the age she was at the time of the trauma: two years old.
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She went to bed early tonight, exhausted from the activities of the day. It has been a good day, and I'm headed to bed soon, too.

Worship

Yesterday evening I sat with friends to eat a meal that required no preparation or clean up on my part. Daughter even bussed the table for all of us. Then I sat in worship, again with no responsibility for leading it. It was wonderful. Of course, I came back to our room and had to prepare the lesson for my class today, but that was okay. I enjoyed putting it together. Daughter was in bed at 9:00. She's dry this morning. I will head to morning prayer in a little while, and then breakfast and class. Have I mentioned recently how much I love coming to this conference?

Endings and Beginnings

I ran across this article this morning. It explains many of Daughter's challenges. I think I need to print it out and show it to some people who blame my parenting for her issues.
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I picked Daughter up from camp today. I'm not sure how it went. One minute she was talking about how great it was and how she befriended a younger girl who wouldn't talk, and the next minute she was telling me that she needed lots of comforting because she spent the entire week crying her eyes out. It sounds like she didn't participate in several of the outings. She said she chose not to go because they'd be getting back too late (after midnight). I'll have to check on the real story later. I do have sources (and not just the camp director-- a colleague was there as chaplain).
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On the way to our conference she proudly told me that she'd gone poop daily-- no trouble with constipation. We got here and she promptly clogged the toilet in our room. She asked for some of her mira-lax. Fortunately, I had packed it. The young man who is contact person for our group has now plunged the toilet twice, without success. He'll put in a maintenance request for tomorrow. For tonight, we'll walk down the hall to the public restrooms in the lobby.
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I'm delighted to be back in my favorite community. It was during our time here last year that I got the call from Capital asking to come see me in my natural habitat. Now I need to go finish my lesson for tomorrow morning.

Sneaky Saturdays

The last two Saturdays I've had to be some place by 9:00 for church. Fortunately, I don't have many Saturdays when I have church commitments, so this has been unusual. Daughter likes to sleep in on Saturdays. She likes to sleep until 10:00 or so. So last Saturday and again today, I told her I'd fix her breakfast if she was up and ready to leave by 8:00. It worked!

Today was clean-up day at the church. We were cleaning up the landscaping and the exterior windows were washed (by a man who is over 6', enabling him to reach the second floor windows from the ground with his long pole. We removed some river rock and replaced it with mulch. We started a compost pile for the community garden we hope to have next summer. The men had fun with a chain saw and small tractor. Daughter worked hard picking up leaves. She was mad at me when we got there. She saw the doughnuts, and I wouldn't let her stay in the building when I went outside (I'm so mean). She hooked up with one of the men, who worked with her transporting leaves. I warned several people that Daughter had noticed the food inside, so they knew she wasn't allowed into the building without an escort. At 11:00 she was picked up by the saint who takes her walking every Saturday morning. She was glad to get away from the hard work at the church.

There were some who were steering clear of me. I had warned them that whoever injured the pastor had to preach tomorrow. They had a great deal of fun with that. There weren't any serious injuries, though several toes got run over by incompetent tractor drivers. Fortunately, it was a very light trailer the tractor was pulling.

It is a beautiful day here today, and we watched birds, rabbits, and squirrels in our backyard as we ate our salads for lunch. I love my backyard. I added a hummingbird feeder this afternoon. We are getting some very colorful finches at our bird feeders. We're up to 5 feeders plus suet. I had to fill all of them his afternoon. It is so pleasant to sit in the family room or at the dining room table and watch them. In Tiny Village, I lived in an old parsonage. There were 12 steps or so to get into the house, so even the first floor rooms were too high to easily see the ground or bird feeders (at least feeders I could reach to fill). It seems strange that we are more in touch with nature here in the city, but we are, and I'm grateful.

A Walk in the Woods

This afternoon Daughter and I went to the park where the saint takes Daughter to walk on Saturday mornings. It is one mile from my home. We walked through woods along a river. I saw wildflowers. I heard birds. I saw lots of people playing Frisbee golf.... It was hard to believe we were just a mile from home. I could hear traffic, but that was okay. It was wonderful! The trail was very nice, though part of it was underwater. I'm sure we walked well over a mile today. There is another park in our community that is a little further away that is not developed-- no Frisbee golf or playground equipment. It has 4.5 miles of trails. We'll have to explore that one, too. I told Daughter that I think a walk in the woods is going to become a Sunday afternoon tradition. She was delighted that she was able to show me the trail she's been walking every Saturday. She pointed out favorite trees and rocks to me, and was quite disappointed that we didn't run into any snakes. You can see the forsythia blooming, and the trees are beginning to bud. In another week or so they should have leaves. The temperature got up to 71 today-- it truly was a beautiful day.

After the park we went to the grocery store, and then I cooked hamburgers on the grill. The first hamburgers of the season are always the best. We brought the grill, table, and chairs around and put them on the back patio. It was so pleasant. In Tiny Village, we couldn't eat outside because of all the flies (the result of the large hog and turkey operations near us). We enjoyed eating outside. I could hear the birds singing, and watch the finches that were coming to our feeder right around the corner of the house. I'm going to get a hummingbird feeder to put out, too. I'm loving the variety of birds we can see right in our own backyard.

I'm going to be able to get my nature fix on a regular basis even if we don't get to go camping this year!

Self Care

Today I'm off to an all day meeting 70 miles from here. Yes, I'm dragging Daughter along with me. It will be a long day.

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Yesterday a gift certificate for 90 minutes of massage arrived in the mail, courtesy of my sisters. I'm looking forward to calling to make an appointment.

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I've also been thinking about the offer of help/support I received the other day. It is very hard for me to ask for help. Very hard. I think I'm going to see if there would be someone who would be willing to schedule someone to stay with Daughter at various times through the month. I could provide a calendar and prioritize time I'd like care for her. It could mean that I would no longer have to drag her to meetings. I think we'd both like that.

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Friday evening she said, "Hey, have you noticed? I'm suddenly cooperating!" She seemed amazed by this realization-- as though it weren't under her control. I told her I had noticed, and I had also noticed that she was much happier as a result. I don't know how long it will last, but I'll enjoy it for as long as it does.

Paradise

Today has been a good day. We went to an art fair, where I bought two new stone crosses. I'll have to get chains for them when I get home-- the chains they had were too short. We ate lunch in a small cafe.
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Over lunch I told Daughter that I had invited the women who are coming to worship next month to our home for lunch. She had a fit-- she didn't want them coming, they weren't welcome in our home, etc. So we had a conversation about moving. I pointed out to her that her security comes from being part of a family, not from where she lives, and the family isn't going to change. I told her she'd complain and tell me we shouldn't have moved, but eventually she'll admit that it was a good move. I reminded her of all the advantages of moving. She heard what I was saying and her mood improved.
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We went on a 1.5 mile hike in a state park. I am very out of shape. Or course, part of it was uphill, and part of it was sandy, but I'm out of shape. I toured a CCC museum about forest restoration while Daughter sat on a bench.
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I told her to remind me, and I'd take care of something when we got home. She said, "You mean Tiny Village?"
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"No, I meant the motel."
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"Don't call that home."
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"Okay, what do you call this?"
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"Paradise."
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We got ice cream and went to arts and crafts store, where I caved and bought her a fuzzy poster than had markers with it.
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As we headed back to the motel, I asked her what her favorite part of the day had been, "Just spending time with my mom." When we got back to the motel we spent some time in the hot tub. Now we're relaxing in our room.
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Daughter's comments about this being paradise and the best part was spending time with me has me thinking. I took a class on professional development at the conference. I'm going to makes some changes when we get home. I'll be blogging more about that later.

Talent Show

Daughter participated in the talent show last night. I always have mixed feelings about her participating. She used to have a good voice, but no longer sings able to match pitch. She also stresses out over it. I finally told her that she could sign up as long as she didn't talk to me about it. I had a friend check out her act.
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So last night she did a dance for the talent show. The community is wonderfully supportive and clapped to the music and cheered her on. When she was done,she came and stood in front of the section where I was sitting and said, "See, Mom, there was nothing wrong with my dance."
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We had a really good week at the conference. I've been asked to teach a Bible study again next year (apparently my class gave me great reviews). I'm looking forward to it, though I don't think it will be as much fun as Revelation was this year.
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We're at a motel overlooking a lake right now. Sunday, we'll head home to Tiny Village and I'll begin working on worship next Sunday-- I hope that the visit next Sunday will answer any doubts the search committee has, and Daughter and I will be preparing to move this fall.

A Phone Call

Yesterday evening, while sitting around talking with friends, my cell phone beeped to tell me I had a new voice mail. We don't get a good signal here, so I went outside to try to find a strong enough signal to retrieve the message. It was a member of the search committee at the church I interviewed with last month. They were wondering if it would be okay if several of their members came to hear me preach in Tiny Village. I told them it would be fine, and they are planning to come on July 18 (I won't be there on July 11).

I am excited. I'm still in the running for the call. I sent text messages to my 3 siblings. All sent responses within 2 minutes. Brother called to ask if I'd seen the video from their worship service on their website and if I was going to use PowerPoint for the sermon on the 18th. I assured him I'd seen the video, and I wasn't going to use PowerPoint because I don't want to get fired. Sister texted me with a sermon suggestion and then sent me a link to a web resource on preaching.
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I told my friends by the time I get home this Sunday, they will probably have a sermon written for me. I'm glad they're sharing my excitement. I told Daughter, and she's pleased. There are still some steps to take before I receive the call. I am hopeful, though.
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The conference continues to be good. Daughter has been dry the past two nights. I was pleased with the way my class went. It's been a good week.

Winding Down

I have one more class to teach tomorrow morning, and then we will head to our motel on a lake Friday morning. Daughter has signed up for the talent show tomorrow evening. I'm not real happy about that, but it has been a powerful motivator for her. She was dry this morning, so she was free to take a 3 hour nap this afternoon.
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She was with the elementary class today. She came into my class at one point to complain that it wasn't working, her mouth was hurting, etc. I gave her an ibuprofen (she hadn't had a pain pill at breakfast for the first time today), and told her to go get something to drink, wash her face in cool water, and rejoin the class. She did, and came to lunch quite pleased with the fact that a water balloon had gotten her wet.
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One of the adults had to coax her to participate in the water balloon fight. Daughter said she couldn't because of her wisdom teeth. The woman assured her that was okay, she wouldn't throw the balloon at her mouth. So Daughter participated. This is such a good, safe place for her. Have I mentioned that we're having a wonderful week?

Christian Community

In the breakfast line this morning, Daughter grabbed 2 small donuts, and then saw that further down the buffet they had oatmeal. She wanted to have oatmeal. I told her that she had more than enough carbs in the doughnuts, and she needed to plan better. When she arrived at our table, she had oatmeal, no donuts. I gave her the look, and she told me that a woman had heard the conversation and taken the doughnuts off Daughter's plate and put them on her own so Daughter could enjoy the oatmeal.

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After her first class Daughter came to me in tears. Her film class on faith in films had watched some clips from The Green Mile, which had several triggers of her PTSD. She was tired from lack of sleep, and so she spent the second class period sitting next to me with her head in my lap. This afternoon the children's coordinator came to ask me if it was alright if she asked Daughter to help in one of the children's classes. There were 2 places that could use her, and the leaders were willing to have her join them. Tomorrow Daughter will be hanging out with elementary kids and will have a leader who got the 2 minute brief on how to keep her in line. I'm grateful, and Daughter's excited.

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During prayers in worship tonight Daughter said she was thankful that I'd adopted her in 1995 and she'd been with me she thought for something like 23 or 26 years. Quite an accomplishment, considering that she's only 23.

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Two people have told me she seems more independent this year. That's one of the things I like about coming here, they point out her progress to me from year to year. I need to hear that.

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I'm having a great time teaching a class on the book of Revelation. I'm opening and closing each class with a hymn from YouTube that comes from the book (I had no idea that there were so many hymns based on the book of Revelation). Today the closing hymn was the video above. The class spontaneously stood up to sing along with the video. It gave me goosebumps. Tonight one of the women in the class asked if she could have a copy of the PowerPoint I've been doing to take back to her church. She wants them to hear what we've been discussing. I was honored. I had never worked with PowerPoint before, so I'm thrilled that she wants a copy of my first PowerPoint presentation.

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Daughter did have to do laundry again this afternoon. She did it on her own while I prepared for tomorrow's class. One of the questions that was raised today was one I had to research and promised an answer tomorrow. I'm excited about what I have prepared for tomorrow. Did I mention how much I'm loving teaching?

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I'm still waiting to hear from the church I interviewed with last month. They are deliberating now, having brought two of us in for interviews and to preach. I have a church some distance from here that is also interested. The class in which I'm a student is on professional development, and I find myself pondering whether I need to look at different forms of ministry to better match my gifts. I think the church that is asking about my availability might be a better fit. God is at work, and I'm listening.

Teaching and Learning

This year I'm teaching a class on the book of Revelation and taking a class on professional development. Both classes are really good. I have a wonderful bunch of students who are willing to participate and engage with the Scripture. They were appreciative of what I shared this morning.

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The professional development class has me pondering what God is calling me to do. I know I'm called to ministry, but I'm wondering if I've been focusing on the wrong areas. Lots to ponder. Daughter did well today. She was appropriate in her independence, sitting by me at meal times so I could give her insulin, but engaging other people and finding other activities much of the day. This is such a good community for her.

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This week is always a wonderful blessing for both of us.

Worship

One of the things I look forward to is coming here and worshiping with this community as just a person in the congregation. It's wonderful to be in worship with no leadership responsibilities. Our opening worship service this evening was wonderful. Daughter has been all over the place between responsible and frustratingly acting out. She didn't want to eat any protein at supper time. I told her she couldn't have any dessert unless she ate some of the Italian sausage. She was mad, but ate it.

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During worship she came over and whispered to me that her blood sugar had dropped to 71. I was amazed, because I would have predicted it would have been high with all the carbs she had at supper. I asked where her meter and emergency supplies were, and she told me they were back in our room. I sent her to get them. When she came back, she handed me a note apologizing and acknowledging that her blood sugar was 271, not 71.

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A good friend of mine is in her first class of the morning-- C is a special ed teacher and the mother of a diabetic. She gets Daughter. I've already instructed her on what to do if Daughter tries to fake a seizure. Daughter knows I've briefed her. Daughter will feel safe with her. The teacher for her second class isn't arriving until tomorrow, so I'll have to track her down and brief her.

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I think (hope) I'm ready to teach my class tomorrow on Revelation. There's so much to say about that book, and so little time. Hopefully I'll be able to share some of the things I've discovered in my preparation for the class. Now I'm tired. I'd kind of like to go to morning prayer at 7:00 tomorrow morning, which means I'd best get to bed now.

It's not Camping, But...

July 4 Daughter and I head to a conference after worship. The conference ends Friday, and I've been trying to figure out what to do for those extra 2 days. I didn't want to take the all of the camping gear for just 2 nights. We have a large tent, screen house, and various other items that are such that I prefer to camp for at least a week once we go to the work of setting all up. I considered just taking part of it, but didn't like that idea.

Yesterday I got busy and started researching options. I found a lakeside motel on an inland lake far enough north of here that hopefully it won't be too hot. Even if it is hot, we'll have an air conditioned motel room. It's near state parks for hiking (if my knee will handle it) and various historical sites. Daughter, of course, didn't want to do it. Then I showed her the pictures. I wouldn't do it for for a week, but for 2 nights, I'll spend the money.

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Hopefully it will give me the outdoor time I need. I'm looking forward to it.

A Deep Longing

The temperature has been close to 90 the last 2 days. I don't do well with heat. Today I broke down and turned on the air conditioning. The walls on our brick home are so thick that it is slower heating up and cooling down. It's been hot sleeping the last couple of nights. Hopefully tonight will be better.

Daughter turned things around nicely today, and was very cooperative and helpful. She decided to clean out her closet, and called me up to see the clothes she wanted to donate. Of course, they were all things she'd worn within the last month. I suggested a better idea would be to put them in the guest room closet until fall. She was quite agreeable.

The other day I looked at some vacation pictures from last year. We like to camp in the northern woods. I felt a deep longing, almost an ache, to go back there. Camping allows me to step back and see things in new ways. As long as Daughter is wetting the bed every night, however, I'm not going to take her tent camping. She wet the bed one night last year. We spent the entire morning in a hot laundromat. I'm not going to do that every day. I'm hoping she'll stop soon and I can make reservations at the state park. I need to get out in the woods. I need to get out in the woods where the temperature isn't 90.

Christmas Day

I rolled over and went back to sleep after turning off the alarm clock at 6:15. When I woke up again, it was a little after 8:00. It's been quite a while since I've slept that late. Daughter got up on her own just as breakfast was about done baking.

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We had a delicious breakfast, opened gifts, watched Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, started It's a Wonderful Life, ate Christmas dinner, and are now going to finish It's a Wonderful Life. A psychic or spiritualist or something told Sister to watch her Christmas tree on Christmas morning, because the lights would twinkle, and that would be Mom telling her she was with her. I've looked at my tree several times today, but the only twinkling lights I've seen are on the Star Trek ornaments. Daughter dreamed she visited Grandma and Grandpa in heaven last night. Grandma was surrounded by chocolates and old magazines, and Grandpa was in a kitchen surrounded by lots of food for cooking. They were doing there thing and very happy.

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Daughter has wanted a Nintendo DS for a number of years. This year I finally bought her one, since I had some extra money. She opened it and declared it to be "breathtaking." If I'd known how happy it would have made her, maybe I'd have gotten her one sooner. Of course, we'll see how long it actually holds her attention.....

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It's been a good day. A quiet, low-key, restful day with good food and much together time. We have survived our first Christmas since the deaths.

A Bright, Beaming, Better Than Average Day

Today was one of those wonderfully busy days in ministry that I love. I started with breakfast at 8:30 with a woman dealing with a family crisis.

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From there I ran to the store to pick up some things for the youth group Thanksgiving Dinner on Sunday.

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I picked up prescriptions, visited 3 of the saints at the nursing home, deposited some checks, and then worked on my sermon at a fast food restaurant.

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Therapist and I met and decided that now is definitely not the time for Daughter to move into supported living.

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Then I drove to City to visit a woman who was going in for a cardiac cauterization this morning. I'd visited her yesterday evening and prayed with her for the procedure. She was beaming when I arrived. They put in 2 stints and she was already feeling better. She was so relieved.

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I got home about 10 minutes before Daughter did. My sermon isn't done, I have a ton to do before Sunday, and I'm content. The woman at breakfast was apologizing, and I reminded her that ministry is my passion and it was an honor for me to support her through her pain. I meant that. The woman in the hospital told me yesterday she didn't deserve my visit (she doesn't attend worship). I reminded her that God doesn't give us what we deserve, God gives us grace.

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I feel so privileged to be able to do the things I do and to be allowed into the lives of so many different people dealing with so many different issues. I love leading the congregation in worship every Sunday.

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In many ways I feel like I'm coming out of the fog of stress and grief as my parents suffered through their final illnesses and died. I'm rediscovering my joy, and I'm appreciating it more than I ever did before.

Decluttering

Yesterday I began the process of decluttering with my desk. I filled the recycling bin with paper, much of it shredded. This morning I continued the decluttering process with my spiritual life. The truth is, my spiritual life has not been great lately. I've been avoiding spending time alone with God. This morning I was up, Daughter was still asleep, and I knew it was time to engage with God. I listened to a Saturday morning prayer service on my ipod, and then paused it to spend time with Scripture, in prayer, and reflecting in my journal. I engaged in a spiritual decluttering.

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I discovered that I am very angry with God right now. That's why I've been avoiding God. The irony is that I regularly urge people to take their anger to God. I tell them that God is big enough to handle it. I make the confirmation class write a prayer in which they express anger at God. I explain to them that if they aren't able to take their anger at God, when they do get angry (and we all do), they will turn their backs on God rather than going to God and releasing the anger.

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This morning I followed my own advice, which was long overdue. I knew I was angry over my mother's illness-- her death brought healing, but I'm angry that she was robbed of her ability to communicate, robbed of the opportunity to travel and enjoy her retirement years. When she first retired, they were taking care of Dad's mother. By the time Gram died, my parents' health was not good enough to allow them to enjoy travel. What surprised me is how angry I am at Daughter's challenges. She's an 8 year old in a 22 year old's body. She is saddled with physical illnesses that she can't manage because of her mental illness and developmental disability. I still remember her words to me when she was struggling with the reality of living with diabetes, "Mom, it's not fair. It's one more thing that makes me different." It isn't fair. It isn't fair that she was born into an abusive family. It isn't fair that she has a low IQ. It isn't fair that she got rotten genes. It isn't fair. I tell her that life isn't fair. It seems like she's had way too much dumped on her, with limited abilities to cope with all that has been dumped.

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I'm angry that I am still here in Tiny Village. My ministry here is not as effective as it was at one time. There are key families within the church who want me gone for a variety of reasons, but they don't dare display their animosity openly because there are many more people who are very grateful for my ministry and all I've done here. As a result, I'm constantly dealing with passive aggressive stuff and subtle sabotage of my ministry. Moving is complicated by Daughter's needs, which severely limits my options, multiplying my anger.

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This morning I began the process of expressing my anger to God. It will be a process, but I know that God will now help me heal and move beyond that anger. I've begun decluttering my spiritual life, by addressing the emotions that were getting in the way of it. Just beginning the process created much energy. Daughter and I went out and began cleaning out the garage. We sorted through our camping equipment and threw some of it out, identified other things that can be donated, and put the rest away in an organized manner. We now have much more room in the garage.

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There is much more decluttering to do-- in our home, the garage, our personal lives, my spiritual life. I feel much more equipped to address it now. I am going to finish the sermon for tomorrow, celebrate a wedding this afternoon, and then we'll go to the City to meet an old friend for supper. This morning I received an email from a search committee. They are interested in more information from me. At the right time, God will call me to the right place. I can prepare myself by continuing to declutter my life.