Consequences

I'm continuing to cook and clean today. Daughter wants to come help. I explained to her that until I can trust her around food, she can't be here when I'm doing the kinds of things I'm doing today. She wasn't happy, but she understood. I cleaned out the refrigerator today. It needed it badly. I've been unlocking and opening the refrigerator for as brief a period as possible. It was nice to take time to really clean it out today.
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I hope that at some point she will be able to be here without food being locked up. The food is not locked up at her house, and she has been staying away from it there. She can do it, I hope eventually she will choose to do it here, too. Until then, though, she will not be around when I'm doing a lot of cooking.

An Honest Conversation

Daughter asked to talk to me at bedtime. I want to record some of that conversation now, because it was pretty amazing. I can't remember all the words, but basically, she was talking about how guilty she feels about the way she's been acting. Part of her wants to do more, but her fear gets in her way. She's terribly jealous of her friends from Tiny Village who are living more or less independently. She wants to be out on her own, but terrified by the thought of leaving here. She wants to be under her own roof, and wants to stay with me until I die.

I listened, and then I reminded her that before we moved, I told her that after we'd been here a year, we'd start looking at options for her. I reminded her of how well she did at camp. I pointed out that a residential placement would be like that, and if she could prove she could be responsible away from me, there would be the possibility of more freedom and less supervision in the future. She didn't embrace the idea, but she also didn't reject it. She talked about how frightened she was when she first went to camp. I told her that moving away would be the same way, she'd be frightened at first. I also reminded her we'd still be a family and spend time together. She rolled her eyes and informed me, "I know that."

The conversation left me confident that a residential placement is the right thing for her, and the timing is right, too. It was a good conversation, and she went to bed happy. I'm going to go to bed happy, too. In fact, I'm headed there now....

Jealousy

Last night I worked the church's concession booth at a college football game.  It was a hot night in a close booth in very tight quarters.  Daughter stayed with Administrative Assistant.  She was with her for about 6 hours and did very well.  She was pleasant and cooperative.

I was impressed and optimistic when I picked her up.  Then we got home.  The meltdown began.  After screams, threats, refusing to take her medicine or go to bed, she finally told me what was wrong.  Her Friend from Tiny Village is pregnant with her second child.  Daughter is jealous, because F has a husband, child, and second one on the way.  She sees F as having a life, and insists she doesn't have one.  She also doesn't have the patience, determination, or whatever it is it takes to get one at this point.  She wants to jump into her own apartment and good paying job without learning how to take care of herself, finish a task, manage her moods, handle money, or even stay home alone.  Anything less of that is not a life, according to Daughter. 

I reminded her again that she had to learn to walk before she could run, and know the letters before she could learn to read.  None of that matters.  She is jealous of F, and I'm holding her back.  I've tried numerous different ways to teach her these basic skills.  She's been handling her own spending money for over a month now.  She's making progress-- in the first two weeks she ran out of money before the end of the week and couldn't do the things she wanted to do on Thursday and Friday.  But even with the progress she's made, she still struggles to understand.  She keeps asking to go to the store and buy a new computer, failing to understand that she can't buy one for the $20 she has saved.  I finally told her that when she saved $100, I'd help her buy a new computer.  I thought that was a realistic amount for her to save, and though it wouldn't pay for a whole computer, it would be a good start and help her learn to save money for big things.  Of course, every other day she tells me to forget the computer and let her buy something else.  Today she asked if she had enough to get her hair cut and relaxed. 

I continue to work with her on food, and she continues to show me that if I leave any food accessible, she will eat.  Even if she doesn't like it and isn't hungry.  I continue to work with her on completing tasks and doing it properly.  She continues to can't (or is it won't?) follow complete her tasks properly and consistently.  If she didn't have diabetes, I could give her more freedom to try things, but I can't let her go out and kill herself. 

I got up and made bran muffins and scrambled eggs with sausage and cheese for breakfast this morning.  I thought that would be a good way to start the day.  She was mad that I wanted her up at 9:00 (she's usually up at 5:30) and decided she didn't like the eggs today (even though she's liked them other times).  It could be a very long weekend. 

A Conversation

Today I took Daughter to the doctor for her 3 month check-up. Her blood sugar control is better, her weight is down, and her kidney function is down. (I'm trying to celebrate 2 out of 3.)
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We had an interesting conversation in the car. She has continued to tell me she's not ready to be responsible, and that's why she's getting into food. So I asked her if she thought that if she wasn't responsible, that would mean she could stay with me longer because she couldn't move out while she wasn't being responsible.
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She wasn't happy at being figured out. I tried to explain to her that the stress her irresponsibility was putting on me was going to result in her moving out sooner, not later. I also told her that if she couldn't be responsible, she'd have fewer options and might not end up in the place she'd like to be. She told me several times how scared she is. I told her if she wanted to stay with me, she'd best start showing more responsibility.
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She apologized, telling me she didn't mean to be hard on me. Does she understand? Maybe, for the moment. Will the conversation stop the behavior? Doubtful.
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The heat has made me cranky. It's hard to be hopeful when your cranky. It's not just the heat making me cranky: her medical assistance plan won't cover insulin pens for anyone who isn't legally blind. The doctor's office is going to try to convince them that because she has multiple people dealing with her insulin that the pen provides for more accurate dosages, but I'm not optimistic.

Taking Responsibility

Yesterday Daughter's counselor gave her a work sheet on taking responsibility for one's actions. I glanced at it, and it's about being an adult and not blaming others for things you do. Some of the hypothetical situations involve housemates.
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Daughter was subdued when we left. We went out to eat and then to the warehouse store. As we headed home she told me she wanted to talk. I turned off the radio to listen. She has decided that she will work hard and save so that she can live completely on her own. She doesn't want to have to live with anyone else.
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I won't get into all the problems with that idea, from finances to safety around food. What was disturbing, though, was her characterization of some of the people in her program as not being human. It was a very discouraging conversation. I asked her if it had to do with the worksheet, and she acknowledged it did. She went on to say that she wasn't ready to be responsible. Sigh.

Dreams and Promises

Daughter came to me this afternoon and wanted to talk. She explained that she wanted to move back to Tiny Village. She told me that she wanted an apartment, and she promised me that she would be responsible and take care of herself. She said she was willing to have a nurse come in to help with meds. She told me she wanted to go back to the workshop there so she could work hard and earn lots of money.

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These conversations are so hard. I don't want to kill her dreams. I hate telling her all the reasons why her plan won't work. I did point out that it was hard for me to believe that when just yesterday she was breaking into the pantry while I was out mowing the lawn, and then lying about it. I mentioned the fact that she has trouble going a day without calling me from her program, and I found it hard to believe she could handle moving to another state and not seeing me for several months at a time. I reminded her that she hadn't been able to handle the chaos of the workshop when we lived in Tiny Village. Of course, she thought I was terrible and was preventing her from reaching her full potential. Of course she can move down there and live independently and manage her health. She promised me she'd be responsible with her money and wouldn't stop spending it all on junk right away.

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The problem is, she really believes she can do it. She doesn't see the disconnect between her words and her actions. She doesn't see that if she can't/won't do it here at home, it's not very likely she'll do it when she's living alone. I want her to be more independent. I want her to experience success and build on it. That's one of the reasons I'm sending her back to camp for another week. She was successful there, I want her to experience independence and success again. I need to look at the psychological evaluation for the guardianship again, but as I recall, the highest age equivalent she had was one area where she scored at 10 years, 0 months. There were at least two areas that had an age equivalent of less than 4 years. It's a challenge helping her find realistic dreams.

The Fruits of the Spirit

This morning Daughter asked me to take her shopping. Not wanting to go, I told her if she cleaned the kitchen, I'd take her. The kitchen has been neglected lately. She looked at the mess and held out her hand for me to shake, "Deal." I still wasn't worried. Now, it looks like I'm going to be taking her shopping. She is doing an amazing job, going beyond cleaning to reorganizing things. She asked if she could listen to music while she did it. I agreed. Every so often I have to go check her progress, which truly is amazing.

I said, "I think you learned you could be responsible this week at camp."

"Mom, Goodness and Kindness and Faithfulness equals Respectfulness and Responsibility." She said this as if speaking to someone who is very dense. I asked her to repeat it. "We learned that at camp this week. We talked about the fruits of the spirit." My eyes filled with tears. I went to get some socks to put on so I could take her shopping.

I looked at the camp website again this morning, and then emailed the director who wants her back so badly. There is a high school camp that begins on June 26th, and ends at 4:30 on July 3rd. We are supposed to be 3 hours south of the camp that evening for our conference. Registration for the conference begins at 4:00, and supper is at 6:00. I want to be there early enough to get my classroom set up before supper. So, I asked if it would work for me to pick her up about 1:00. I would have to do her laundry while we're at the conference, but I can make it work.
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I hope I can create an environment in which she can thrive as much as she did at camp. Another week at camp to reinforce those learnings can only help. Today, I am grateful, and enjoying the fruits of the Spirit in Daughter's life.

Freedom is Hard

Daughter earned some money working in the church office yesterday. I asked her if she wanted it, or if she wanted me to hold onto it for her. This morning she told me she wanted it. She was considering how she was going to spend it. I reminded her of several things she had said she wanted to save her money to buy. She asked me what the boundaries were on the money. I told her there were no boundaries, she could do whatever she wanted to do with it. She continued to run through various possibilities and ask me questions about various options. Finally, she said, "Freedom is hard." I fully anticipate that all the money will be spent by the end of the day. That's fine. I won't be buying her things, though. I hope that eventually she will learn a bit more about managing her money. I hope. I won't think about all the times we've tried this before. I'll just hope that this time will be different.

To Laugh or To Cry

Tonight is the night Daughter goes off to respite and I go on an overnight retreat. She's handling the anxiety remarkably well. She tells me every so often she's very scared. She decided to take a stuffed animal that I gave her with her. She packed on her own, so I hope she packed what she needed. I decided not to check on her, as she was very proud of being responsible. This morning I put two (sloppy) french braids in her hair. I did it after we got to the church. I figured it was an acceptable way for her to get some mommy time before she goes to respite tonight.

She was quite proud of the fact that she was dry this morning. I expressed my pleasure then asked, "How did you do it?"

"It was easy. I went to the bathroom before I went to bed last night."

"Don't you do that every night?"

She looked at me like I was an idiot. "No."

Sigh. Her third air mattress in the past six months is no longer holding air. I'm considering buying her an inexpensive mattress that has plastic covering on it. She's been dry twice this week. If it becomes a pattern, I'll go buy it. There's a mattress place right down the street....

Yelling

Daughter was slow getting up this morning. Because of lack of time, she only got milk for breakfast. We were still late getting out of the door. I like to be at the church by 7:00. Daughter knows this. When we got in the car, the clock on the dashboard said 7:05. I asked, "What time do I like to be at the church?" in a very conversational tone.

Her response was not in a conversational tone: "STOP IT!!!"

I pointed out to her that I should be the one yelling, not her. She informed me that I was the boss and I didn't have to be at the church at a particular time. I explained that I had a certain amount of work I needed to do, and a time I needed to be at the church to get it done.

She informed me we should be able to go separately. I told her I thought it would be wonderful if I could trust her enough to do things independently, and I looked forward to the day that would be possible. That ended any conversation between us. I think she gets very frustrated when I refuse to be awful and unreasonable with her. She'd love to have reasons to hate me.

Plan 6,354

Daughter's line recently has been, "I'm 24 years old and I should make my own decisions. You can't control me."

Yesterday evening I made a list of all the tasks that have to be done here through the week. I put M by the ones that I have to do, and left the rest blank. I handed it to Daughter and told her she needed to mark the things she would do to contribute her fair share to the household. We took turns choosing things. She has now chosen pretty much the same things I was asking of her. Now, though, it is her choice. Now she can't complain that she has to do everything around here.

Will it work? Hopefully for a few days.

Contradictions

Yesterday evening was a very frustrating one with Daughter. Sometimes the contradictions that are part of life with her are disorienting. Yesterday afternoon she sat in a chair directly across from me sleeping and totally ignoring me. If she did open her eyes and I spoke to her, she didn't acknowledge me or respond. Finally, around 5:00, she said, "I suppose it's bed time now."

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"No, it's 5:00 and you need to go to your room if all you're going to do is sleep." She grabbed her linens out of the dryer and went into her room, slamming the door to express her displeasure.

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About 8:00, she came out sobbing, "I'm so sorry for being such a jackass to you."

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"You are very good at apologizing. Show me that you are sorry by taking care of the laundry in the basket."

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"Screw you, Bitch!" She again vanished into her bedroom, slamming her door to make sure I knew she was mad.

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About 10:00 she came out, dressed in her her pj's to get her insulin and pills. I gave her some milk (she missed supper, and had the good sense not to ask for any at this point). She returned to her bedroom. I don't remember if she slammed the door.

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About 11:00 I was getting ready for bed. She came into the bathroom. "Can I sleep with you tonight? I have a reason, my back is really hurting."

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"I'm a bitch, remember?"

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"Sometimes I say things I don't mean."

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"How am I supposed to know when you mean what you say?"

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"I don't know."

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"As long as you are wetting the bed, you aren't going to sleep in my bed." She vanished back into her bedroom.

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This morning I went in and turned on her bedroom light. I was not pleased to notice she'd slept on her floor. I have told her if she wants to sleep on the floor, she has to have the air mattress under her because I don't want urine soaking into the carpet and subfloor. I pulled the covers off of her, expecting the worst. It looked like she was dry.

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I left, and she got up. She came out and told me she was dry. She even showed me her diaper when I asked, and it was completely dry. She requested a breakfast that requires some work from me. I gave her the option of 2 less labor intensive breakfasts, explaining I wasn't inclined to work on her breakfast when she was refusing to do anything around the house. When we got to the church, she volunteered to carry my briefcase in.

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I'm starting the week tired, for some reason.

Saturday Errands

Daughter and I met a woman for breakfast in town at 8:00. We were talking about a graveside service tomorrow, and Daughter was bored. She asked if she could walk to the pharmacy with the prescriptions I'd brought along and take care of them. She was quite proud of herself-- she took in the new prescriptions and waited for them, signing for them and all the refills I'd ordered on line last night. She made her way back to the restaurant as we were standing out front talking. She told me about all the things that had tempted her, but she knew I was going to count the change and check the receipt, so she behaved. This was a new experience for her, and she was very proud of herself. On the way home we talked about how she'll be able to do that kind of thing when we move to Capital.

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We then went to the grocery store, got the car washed, and stopped at the farmer's market. I stood in line for sweet corn and they sold the last of it to the individual in front of me. I got lots of other good things, though, so it was still worth the wait in line. I told Daughter she could choose today's project. We're going to go upstairs and spend one hour working in the guest room. I also need to fill pill boxes, and I think we'll go to a different town for blood draws. I've revised last week's sermon, so I'm ready for tomorrow morning. I'll spend about an hour later today perfecting the graveside service.

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One of my rewards will be working in the kitchen with the treasures I found today at the farm market. I'm planning a couple of different salads, and maybe some apple sauce. I'm planning to make this a good day.

The First Celebratory Breakfast and the First Round of Acting Out

This morning I'm meeting a good friend for breakfast. She was Organist here at the church for several years after I arrived. I enjoyed working with her on various projects, and so when she left for a church that paid more and was closer to her home, we remained friends, meeting monthly for a meal. She's the one who introduced me to my favorite deli.

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I enjoy our monthly meals. She understands the quirks of Tiny Village, so she's a good sounding board when I need it. She has been praying for my search, and has served as a reference for me. Having an organist as a reference is a good thing-- sometimes there are struggles between the pastor and music people, so the fact that I not only work well with them but one is my reference is a plus.

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We had to reschedule this month's meal, so I called her on Tuesday to tell her I'd received the call and set up our meal. She was excited, and didn't want to wait very long to get together. I'll drop Daughter off and then meet Organist.

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Wednesday evening Daughter (again) shoveled out her bedroom. I told her if she wanted to decorate her new bedroom, she had to show me she could keep her current bedroom clean. Last night she didn't want to take care of the laundry. She put it on for more time, and I told her I knew the clothes were dry and she needed to take care of them. Very quickly after she started I heard her go upstairs and heard her closet door open and close. When she came back downstairs, I had an observation, "Either you just did the fastest job in history taking care of the clean laundry, or you hid it in a wad in your closet."

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Her response was to become very angry, telling me she had, indeed hidden the clothes in a wad in her closet. She informed me she was done, and she was going to bed without her meds. I called her down at 11:00 to take her pills and insulin. She used the back porch bathroom, and left the lights on. I told her to turn off the lights before she went back to bed. She informed me I was a bossy b***h as she stormed back upstairs.

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I also discovered that she's been coming downstairs during the night and getting into food. She insisted she's been having low blood sugars. I reminded her that when she's low, she's supposed to wake me up. I put the alarm back on her room last night. At 3:30 this morning her door alarm woke me up. She felt low, and needed to go get her meter. I told her to bring it back upstairs to check, and stay out of the food. I should have gotten out of bed and taken care of it. I'll know for sure when she checks her blood sugar this morning, but it took her long enough to get the meter and she was slow enough telling me her blood sugar that I'm pretty sure she got into food while she was up.

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It will be interesting to see if she gets up belligerent or apologetic. The car ride to Town will be more pleasant if she's apologetic.

Compromise

Daughter told Therapist she wants to go back to the workshop. Therapist and I discussed it, and I suggested we tell her that if she is dry for 7 nights in a row, we'll begin discussing it. I see the bed wetting as her attempt to keep herself safe, and I don't think she's ready to return to the workshop if she's not feeling safe.
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We brought Daughter in, and we had the following conversation:
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"What's my number 1 priority?"
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"My safety."
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"I don't want you going back to the workshop until you are feeling safe. When you wet the bed, it tells me you don't feel safe. After you have been dry for 7 nights in a row, we'll begin to talk about what needs to happen for you to go back to the workshop."
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"Can we compromise?"
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"What's the compromise?"
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She began counting on her fingers, and then offered, "Let's make it 21 days. That will be three weeks. You have to check my bed, depends, and pj's every day to make sure I'm really dry."
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She has an interesting definition of compromise. Therapist and I discussed it. She's definitely telling us she doesn't feel safe and isn't ready to return to the workshop. She has been diligently working on her chores since she came home and is in a much better mood. Tomorrow she's going to make and decorate signs to post around the house reminding herself that her goal is to go back to the workshop. It will be interesting to see if this actually motivates her. I'm not going to hold my breath waiting. I will enjoy her cooperative attitude for as long as it lasts.

"That's the whole Idea!"

So Daughter wanted to do some art. We had a partial ream of paper in the car that I had taken so I could print things out for my class this week. I told her she could go get some paper from there. She said, "I'll use my pen to draw now, and then tomorrow we can buy some colors for me since I didn't bring mine."
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"Wrong. You always manage to forget them and then I end up buying you more."
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"That's the whole idea!"
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"Well, it's not going to work this year."

Winding Down

I have one more class to teach tomorrow morning, and then we will head to our motel on a lake Friday morning. Daughter has signed up for the talent show tomorrow evening. I'm not real happy about that, but it has been a powerful motivator for her. She was dry this morning, so she was free to take a 3 hour nap this afternoon.
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She was with the elementary class today. She came into my class at one point to complain that it wasn't working, her mouth was hurting, etc. I gave her an ibuprofen (she hadn't had a pain pill at breakfast for the first time today), and told her to go get something to drink, wash her face in cool water, and rejoin the class. She did, and came to lunch quite pleased with the fact that a water balloon had gotten her wet.
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One of the adults had to coax her to participate in the water balloon fight. Daughter said she couldn't because of her wisdom teeth. The woman assured her that was okay, she wouldn't throw the balloon at her mouth. So Daughter participated. This is such a good, safe place for her. Have I mentioned that we're having a wonderful week?

Worship

One of the things I look forward to is coming here and worshiping with this community as just a person in the congregation. It's wonderful to be in worship with no leadership responsibilities. Our opening worship service this evening was wonderful. Daughter has been all over the place between responsible and frustratingly acting out. She didn't want to eat any protein at supper time. I told her she couldn't have any dessert unless she ate some of the Italian sausage. She was mad, but ate it.

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During worship she came over and whispered to me that her blood sugar had dropped to 71. I was amazed, because I would have predicted it would have been high with all the carbs she had at supper. I asked where her meter and emergency supplies were, and she told me they were back in our room. I sent her to get them. When she came back, she handed me a note apologizing and acknowledging that her blood sugar was 271, not 71.

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A good friend of mine is in her first class of the morning-- C is a special ed teacher and the mother of a diabetic. She gets Daughter. I've already instructed her on what to do if Daughter tries to fake a seizure. Daughter knows I've briefed her. Daughter will feel safe with her. The teacher for her second class isn't arriving until tomorrow, so I'll have to track her down and brief her.

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I think (hope) I'm ready to teach my class tomorrow on Revelation. There's so much to say about that book, and so little time. Hopefully I'll be able to share some of the things I've discovered in my preparation for the class. Now I'm tired. I'd kind of like to go to morning prayer at 7:00 tomorrow morning, which means I'd best get to bed now.

Responsibility

Daughter, after protesting that she hates vacation and doesn't want to go, has become wonderfully responsible and cooperative as we prepare to leave. This morning she was up on her own, and when she came downstairs, she was fully dressed and had packed up my cpap machine and was carrying it. I was impressed.

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We ran out for a bite to eat and to pick up some cat food before we left. As we were headed home, I was into full trying to take care of everything before we leave mode. The conversation went something like this:

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"I want to get those dishes washed when we got home. I don't want to leave with dirty dishes in the sink."

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"I've already done that."

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"Did you put the medication box in the car?"

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"Done."

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"What about the extra supplies I had on the kitchen table?"

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"They're in the car."

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"I want you to clean out the cat boxes."

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"I've done that."

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"Today?"

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"Yes, Mom. I did it this morning when you were in the shower getting ready for church."

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We got home with the extra cat food and I came into my desk for a few minutes. "Did you fill the cat bowl with the new food."

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"Done." Then she got this huge smile on her face. "Don't you just love it when I'm one step ahead of you?"

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Yes, I love it. It's days like this that give me hope during the more challenging times.

Music

Daughter was up early this morning, and put away the clean dishes without arguing. As she was working in the kitchen, she was singing with her ipod. It was rather disconcerting to hear her singing Christmas songs in June. It was wonderful, though, to hear her so happy. Last night she snuggled up next to me to watch some TV. I find myself wondering if that is what made the difference this morning. It would be nice if I could figure out what enables her to suddenly turn things around and be happy and cooperative.