Are You Okay?

Daughter's phone call this morning reported she was twitching. She has a history of complex partial seizures. The med they keep messing up was prescribed for those seizures (and also serves as a mood stabalizer). I alerted Program Manager to observe and reminded Daughter that the more she focuses on them, the worse they get.
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House Manager and Nurse have responded. House Manager insists they have done everything right and the problem is individual staff members. Nurse is very concerned and points out that all the training and systems in the world can not give a conscience to staff members who don't care.
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Case Manager has not responded to my request for a move.
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So Elder sticks his head in my office to say hi on his way to do some work downstairs. Then he reappears. "Are you okay?" He said I didn't sound right.
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"I asked to have Daughter moved."
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He understood the implications of that. He listened. I told him his start as a psych major served him well. I am blessed to be in ministry with this congregation.

A Gift

Due to confusion this morning, I didn't have a hair appointment when I thought I did. So, I headed over to the church to pick something up. I decided Daughter should help fold bulletins and newsletters because one of the usual volunteers was not coming in today and there was more to do than usual. I began clearing off my desk. Then I had Daughter sort through the piles of magazines and organize them in the cases I have for magazines. I filed all the papers that had piled up on my desk (when I reached the surface, the large desk calendar was still on October. It took several hours, but my office is clean. I asked Administrative Assistant how long she thought I'd keep my desk clean. She pondered for a minute, and then said, "I think a week." She paused and added, "You are off for the next week." The confusion about my appointment turned out to be a gift. I'm delighted that I will be returning to a clean office.
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There was a steady stream of people dropping in for a variety of reasons. I told AA we should have anticipated that. Daughter was super cooperative. She had a bit of an attitude this morning, so we talked about it. I didn't have the guest room securely locked, so she got into sweets overnight. Her blood sugar was high this morning. She acknowledged that guilt was what had set her off, and that if she'd just stayed out of the guest room, there wouldn't have been a problem. She was ready to go back, as one of the staff members promised to braid her hair today.
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The mall traffic is insane. I headed north to go south to the church so that I wouldn't have to go by the mall. Of course, my hair appointment was at the mall. My stylist said this is the busiest she's seen the mall in a number of years, and she was glad to see it so busy. There are a lot of empty store fronts, so that is really encouraging to hear they are busier than usual this year.
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I still need to finalize two sermons and develop the powerpoints to go with them, but they will get done. I will pick Daughter up again tomorrow afternoon, and she'll spend the night with me. I need to find and wrap her gifts before I pick her up. I have them hidden around the house.
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I'm a little stressed, but not as much as I am most years. It really is nice not to have to deal with Daughter and her drama.

Focus

This week I have 3 worship services to finalize, 4 sermons to write, and a newsletter to write. Oh, and the Wednesday noon prayer service to figure out. On weeks like this, I find it very hard to focus. I was pacing today, as I sought to figure out where to begin and had all these ideas and thoughts bouncing around in my head. We had lots of people dropping in with various concerns: what happened to the children's Sunday school material? how can we support a family having financial struggles? what about paint colors for the painting that will begin in January? why did the service board do things this way? what did the board do with the budget last night? how do we handle my salary package for next year? meaning that there were plenty of things to distract me. I finally decided I needed to go out to lunch.
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I took sermon material and headed out the door. I think Administrative Assistant was relieved, as my pacing was taking a path through her office. I went to the local coney and ordered a coney platter and iced tea. I focused on the sermon material, and quickly had Christmas Eve outlined. It had been bouncing around in my head for days, but had never made it on to paper.
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I came back and started pandora on instrumental Christmas music. I quickly wrote the last three articles I needed to write for the newsletter and shipped them off to AA. I told AA for the 45th time that it really does help me to focus if I can get away for a little bit. She is quite patient with my quirks. While I was gone I thought about the things I needed her to get me for my meeting with the family tomorrow about the memorial service next week. When I walked back into the church, she handed them to me. It's scary the way she reads my mind sometimes.
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I've now finished the prayer service for tomorrow noon. AA has gone home to celebrate her daughter's birthday. I'm trying to figure out Christmas Day. I'm beginning to get some ideas, so I should be able to get it finalized today. We need to ship it off to the volunteer who puts together the PowerPoint.
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I requested a Sunday off in January at the meeting last night, but hadn't selected a date. Today I decided it will be January 29. The two boards will have an all day meeting on January 28th, so it will be wonderful not to have to worry about leading worship the next day.
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As crazy and stressful as this week is, I'm grateful that we sat down at the beginning of November to space out the work. It did help. AA observed that she was having a hard time figuring out how to fit everything into the newsletter, as there was so much information that needed to go into it. I pointed out to her that is part of the reason why we are so stressed....
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As stressful as the week is, I love the challenge of juggling multiple projects. I love my work.

"I Can't"

I told Daughter that the trash needed to be put out last night after Bible study. So on the way home from Bible Study, she started in. "I can't. I need to get my insulin and pills and go straight to bed when we get home. I just can't take care of the trash."
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"Fine. I'll do it."
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"You shouldn't have to do it."
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"You're right, I shouldn't have to do it, but it has to be done, and since you can't, that means I will have to do it."
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So when we got home I wheeled out the trash can, carried out 5 cans of leaves and grass clippings, and toted 3 recycling bins to the curb. When I got inside, I washed my hands and put away the clean dishes. Daughter pouted, because I took care of the work before I got her her insulin, pills, and snack. I wasn't done until 8:30. Any other night she would have been begging to stay up until 10:00.
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She woke up growling this morning. I gave her a pb&j from the freezer and an apple for lunch. There are times when I get annoyed that she can't get her own meals and that any attempts to get her to help around the house result in rages that do damage to the house. She's acting like a spoiled brat. This morning she told me she wasn't yelling because she was mad at me. I pointed out that didn't stop the fact that she was yelling, and that I deserved better than that. Emotionally it's easier for me to do it myself than to listen to her verbal abuse. Even when I don't ask her to do anything, she's verbally abusing me, just not as much as if I were to have the audacity to suggest she could be a contributing member of the household. I sure hope that I like the residential placement I'm visiting this afternoon and that there is an opening soon. I'm tired of living like this.

Plan 7,354

I'm not going to allow Daughter to hold me hostage, so it's time for a new plan. I have secured all the food behind double locks, and also locked up all the knives and money. I have made the house as safe as I can for her to be here unsupervised. I am going to go out and work in the yard this morning. I'm not going to engage her. She's still in bed, and I'm not going to worry about when she gets up.
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At some point today, I will get the things I need to make a bunch of pb&j sandwiches for the freezer. One of my frustrations is that she can quit, but I still have to provide for her: diabetes management, food, medication. Those frozen sandwiches will become her meals when she's being ugly. They won't require work or thought from me, which will help with my resentment level.
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Her computer and the TV remotes will also be locked up. She can sit in the house feeling sorry for herself, or she can do some work around here to earn back some privileges. It will be her choice. I'm going to work very hard at not engaging. She will either wake up this morning feeling guilty and go into suck up mode with me, or she'll wake up resentful and escalate things. I'm going to work hard at not engaging, whatever she does. I'm going to do the things that feed me.

Realization

Yesterday Sister Best Friend invited us to join her church at an event here in Capital. It would have been fun. I declined, though, because I knew that Daughter would complain and make me miserable.
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I decided I wanted to go to the place that is supposed to have the best pizza in the area tonight. I negotiated with Daughter, telling her I'd take her out if she promised not to argue with me about the order. I told her we wouldn't go if she was going to argue. So she promised. She didn't argue about the pizza I ordered, though she said it would have been better with mushrooms (I didn't order the one I really wanted, because it had mushrooms and I didn't want to listen to her complain about the mushrooms which she has always claimed to hate). She did argue about how many pieces she could eat. Then she excused herself to go the restroom. I sat waiting for her return and wondering what was keeping her so long.
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I want to do something fun tomorrow, but I can't think of anything we could do that Daughter wouldn't sabotage. This is no way to live.

A Conversation

Today I took Daughter to the doctor for her 3 month check-up. Her blood sugar control is better, her weight is down, and her kidney function is down. (I'm trying to celebrate 2 out of 3.)
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We had an interesting conversation in the car. She has continued to tell me she's not ready to be responsible, and that's why she's getting into food. So I asked her if she thought that if she wasn't responsible, that would mean she could stay with me longer because she couldn't move out while she wasn't being responsible.
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She wasn't happy at being figured out. I tried to explain to her that the stress her irresponsibility was putting on me was going to result in her moving out sooner, not later. I also told her that if she couldn't be responsible, she'd have fewer options and might not end up in the place she'd like to be. She told me several times how scared she is. I told her if she wanted to stay with me, she'd best start showing more responsibility.
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She apologized, telling me she didn't mean to be hard on me. Does she understand? Maybe, for the moment. Will the conversation stop the behavior? Doubtful.
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The heat has made me cranky. It's hard to be hopeful when your cranky. It's not just the heat making me cranky: her medical assistance plan won't cover insulin pens for anyone who isn't legally blind. The doctor's office is going to try to convince them that because she has multiple people dealing with her insulin that the pen provides for more accurate dosages, but I'm not optimistic.

Over 2 Hours

I spent over 2 hours filling pill boxes this morning. I filled 4 weeks for Daughter and 8 weeks for me. All the medications had been sitting on the kitchen table, so getting them put away felt good. Of course, I then went to see my nurse practitioner, who changed a couple of my meds, but that's taken care of, too.
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Once again when I went to the pharmacy to pick up Daughter's meds yesterday, there were problems. They forgot to bill her secondary on two of them. Her insurance company is still refusing to cover one, even though her doctor called to get prior authorization. I'm so tired of dealing with them. She has an appointment with her doctor tomorrow, so I'm going to let them deal with it.
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My sister has yet to sign and return the forms accepting her role as back-up guardian for Daughter. I think she's having second thoughts. As I consider the time I spend fighting for Daughter's rights, I can understand why she doesn't want to take it on. Both of my sisters are afraid of Daughter. It breaks my heart to think that when I die, Daughter will have a public guardian, because there won't be a family member willing to take it on.
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This has been a rough week. I hope that the time I spent filling pill boxes this morning will help me get back on track. I hope.

Yup, We're Back to Normal

Today I took Daughter to see a movie. Normally I don't buy snacks at the movie, but today I bought a medium tub of popcorn, which pleased Daughter. We then went to the grocery store, and she asked me to buy her some apple straws to try. I did. When we got home, she wanted to eat some. I measured out an ounce and gave her insulin.
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We went to get Kitten. When we got home, she wanted more apple straws. I suggested she have a plum instead. So she did. I went out and lit the grill to prepare hamburgers for supper. She asked for another plum. I told her she could have another. I went outside to cook the hamburgers. When I came in, Daughter was missing. The refrigerator door was unlocked. Sigh.
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"Daughter, come here and bring the food with you."
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Silence.
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"Daughter, come and bring the food."
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"Yes, Mom." She came out carrying bag of vanilla ice cream cups.
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"How many did you eat?"
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"Just one."
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"Wrong. More than one is missing. Go get them and bring them here."
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"They're gone."
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"I know that. Bring me the empty cups."
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She came back carrying a spoon and two empty cups.
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"Throw out the cups and put the spoon in the dishwasher. I'm sorry I didn't keep you safe."
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"It's not your fault! You don't understand how stressed I am!"
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"How did that work for you?"
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Silence.
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She tried to insist she would starve herself to death as punishment and therefore she didn't want a hamburger. I told her she'd eat a hamburger, but there wouldn't be any chips with it, as she'd had all her carbs.
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I never raised my voice. She isn't being deprived of food. In fact, today she had a number of special treats. I'm not mad. Just very sad, and tired.

Keystones

Yesterday I read an article that asked what one item was the keystone, that when it got out of control sent the rest of your life spiraling out of control. As I pondered that, I realized that at home my keystone was medications. When I don't keep the weekly pill boxes filled, the huge basket of medications sits on the kitchen table, so I can easily get at Daughter's morning and evening pills. Camp, with the requirement that her medications be in their original bottles, has thrown off my system of filling 4 weeks of pill boxes every time I pick up prescriptions. When I got home today, I filled 2 weeks worth of pill boxes for Daughter and counted out the pills she'll need for camp and put them aside. I filled a week's worth for me, and will do more once I get some things I was missing. The basket of meds is now put away, and I feel more in control of things here at home.

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As I pondered what the keystone was at church, I decided it was sitting with Administrative Assistant to go over calendar and plan out our work. We didn't do that last week, and it may have been several weeks. I was surprised to realize I had a huge meeting this morning, and didn't feel well prepared. The Holy Spirit came through, and it was a productive meeting and I'm excited about the plans we made. It sounds like people are getting on board with the plan, which is good.

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As soon as the meeting was over, Administrative Assistant and I sat down and looked at calendar for the next 2 weeks. I set aside some time to do several visits, and she's calling to set those up. While I was at the meeting AA called and cancelled an appointment for Daughter that was scheduled for next week when she's at camp. I've been thinking about doing it at the wrong times for the last two weeks.

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It went from a morning I was feeling overwhelmed to a productive afternoon in which I felt like I was able to accomplish some important things. I've done my part for the bulletins for the next two weeks, so I don't have to worry about another one until August 14. That feels good. It feels very good. I'm now feeling like I may be able to manage the work between now and the time I leave town.

Bus Adventures

I downloaded the new version Internet Explorer, and it won't let me post on blogger. So, I'm posting from Chrome now. Daughter starts bus service to her program's new location today. We set it up to pick her up on the church Monday-Thursday and home on Friday, and to drop her off at home every day. I received a note from her bus driver saying she would be dropping Daughter off between 5:30 and 5:40, and picking her up at 6:20 on Friday mornings.

I never heard anything about the Monday-Thursday morning pick-ups at the church. I was a little frustrated, but assumed it would also be early. Never assume. That is a lesson I seem to need to relearn on a regular basis. This morning we got to the church at 6:00 and planted ourselves in Administrative Assistant's office so we would know when the bus arrived. I began doing commentary work for Sunday's sermon, Daughter began pacing. At 7:30 I started making calls. The schedule calls for her to be picked up from the church at 9:35. It would have been nice if they'd told me. It would be nicer if that would work. AA gets in at 9:00, and I have a meeting 90 minutes from here at 9:00 tomorrow morning. I'm not going to drop Daughter off at the church to wait alone 2 hours before the bus is due.

Beginning tomorrow, she will be picked up from home 5 days a week at 6:20. I'm not sure how she will do with that schedule, but we will try it for a week before I complain. I think it's going to make for very long days, and it will be challenging to get her fed and to the church when I have meetings Monday evenings. Tonight's meeting starts at 6:00. That will be very interesting. She was upset at first, but has calmed down nicely. She is outside waiting for the bus, even though it won't be here for another 30 minutes or so. I hope her day goes smoothly.

I'm going to contemplate how I'm going to structure my day around her new schedule. I need to get exercise into the routine somewhere, and so figuring that out is going to be a priority for me. I've decided I need to pay more attention to my health.

Dealing with the System

I'm in the process of getting guardianship for Daughter. Lots of paperwork. I'm sending her to camp in a week, more paperwork. I'm applying for personal care assistance for her so that that funding can be used to help provide staffing for an out of home placement. More paperwork.

Then there's the ongoing battle with her medical assistance. My insurance is primary, so it just picks up the co-pays on her prescriptions. Except it's not paying the co-pays. I finally go them to cover her insulin pens, but now they won't pay for the needles so she can use the pens. I called them last week. "It's the state's fault. They say she has another insurance that is primary."

"She does."

"Oh, well the pharmacy isn't billing properly. They need to run it through the primary insurance first and then bill us."

"That's what they're doing."

"Well if they can't figure out how to do it, have them call the help line."

So the pharmacy called. The individual they talked to said that the needles aren't covered, but didn't offer an explanation. The person even noticed they covered them in the past. They told the pharmacy to tell me I'd have to call to straighten it out. I think this is where I started, calling them.

I came home from the pharmacy today frustrated, to say the least. I will call again on Tuesday. I will mail out the latest round of paperwork on Tuesday. I will be frustrated, though. It's not only the emotional demands that come with dealing with Daughter and her issues, it's the time demands that come from dealing with the system. I was exhausted this afternoon.

Easter's Done, Where's the Slower Pace?

I was anticipating a much slower pace after Easter. I wouldn't have the extra work with the more complicated worship services we were doing during Lent. I wouldn't be teaching a book study and developing a PowerPoint presentation that provided a summary for those who didn't read the material without boring those who did. I was sure things would slow down. It was a great theory. The problem is, everything I put off until after Easter now has to be dealt with. Further complicating things is the reality that the late Easter leaves less time before the start of summer-- and vacations.

I've been spending a great deal of time in all the meetings that were put off until after Easter. We are making big plans for the fall, and coordinating them is going to take some work. I am very much into the big picture and coordinating all of our programs around a theme. The pattern here has been, at least recently, that each ministry goes off and does its own thing. Pulling together all the people to coordinate the various pieces takes time. Getting everyone on board and contributing their pieces in a timely manner isn't easy. Just finding a time when everyone can meet is almost impossible.

I'm teaching a Bible study at the conference Daughter and I attend every July, and I need to begin planning for that. I also need to begin working on adult study and worship plans for the fall if everything is going to coordinate. I've decided I'm going to have to find a quiet place away from the church where I can do some work. I have a steady stream of people through my study all day. I love the interactions and conversations that take place, but it makes it hard to focus on a big task. It's time to get away from the office and begin exploring the are in search of good places to get some work done, away from the distractions in my home and study.

I'm really looking forward to the fall, and am eager to begin to lay out the study and worship piece of our plans. Daughter goes to camp on June 6th, and I think that week I will set aside some blocks of time for planning. That is also the week her program moves to its new building. Why wait until June 6th? This week's calendar is already too full-- most days I have morning and afternoon commitments. I'll be gone most of July, so I need to get busy.

Ministry Is Hard

Yesterday Brother, Sister-in-law and I were talking about their pastor, who recently resigned effective immediately. The reason for his resignation was unclear, since he is now unemployed and his plans are very vague. He has removed his facebook page and cut off contact with everyone from the church. Of course, speculation is rampant. What is known is that he has a drinking problem. He has gone to AA at various points, but is currently drinking (he was recently spotted in a bar by a member). He is also very far away from family support. He is divorced. He is currently without a driver's license.

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Daughter was listening to the discussion, and brought it up this morning. It bothered her. She thought he was a good guy. She liked him. She is confused. We talked about how he made poor choices. We talked about how God still loved him. I don't know whether the conversation helped or not.

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The reality is that ministry is hard. Without a strong spiritual life, it is impossible to keep going long-term. Even with a strong spiritual life, there are times when it is overwhelming. I don't know what happened with Brother's pastor. I won't speculate about what happened with him. I will write in generalities, though.

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I once heard ministry described as like being a stray dog at a whistler's convention. That certainly describes part of the problem. It is impossible to do everything that the congregation would like to have done, especially if you are the only ministry staff in a particular congregation. Prioritizing work becomes key. The thing is, a pastor can have a carefully laid out plan for the priorities for the week and how to get everything done, and a single phone call can destroy the entire plan. My goal is for us always to be far enough ahead on work in the office that we can handle a funeral or other emergency. But even planning for the disruptions isn't enough. I once heard of a young pastor who complained that he couldn't get any ministry done because of the constant interruptions. A wiser, older pastor informed him that the interruptions were his ministry.

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Last week I was struggling to prepare for an event that was taking place in a few hours. Technology wasn't cooperating at all (to the point that eventually we did some of it on the office computer because mine refused to do what I was telling it to do-- the same commands on the same software worked on the office computer). A member came into my office. She was having what most would describe as minor surgery in a few hours. She was extremely concerned about the surgery. She had been doing research and reading worst case scenarios. So I listened, reassured, and prayed with her. I hope my impatience didn't show through. Fortunately, the event for which I had been preparing was with a forgiving group, because I wasn't as organized and prepared as I would have liked to be.

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The things on my to do list exceed the available hours in my work week. Each day I make difficult decisions about what will get my attention. Much of my ministry is dependent on the cooperation of volunteers. Some volunteers are not very dependable. Members have different priorities for my time and energy, and only a little bit of knowledge about all the demands on my time and energy. Much of what I do is confidential, so they can't know all the demands upon my time. They aren't going to know about the hours I spend with various hurting individuals. They don't know how a planning meeting turns into a counseling session. What they do know is that I haven't given their top priority enough attention. They have no idea why, they just know it's not done in the time or way they'd like.

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I just spent 20 minutes talking to a man who stopped by to pick up a key. He just visited a good friend who is putting his affairs in order as he prepares for death. He is disturbed by the way the friend has failed, and remembers how he was over 50 years ago. The man never took off his jacket or sat down, so I suspect as far as he's concerned, all he did was pick up a key.

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I told Administrative Assistant Thursday that a top priority for Tuesday is sitting down and mapping out/prioritizing work for the week ahead (Monday is her day off). I have a board meeting tonight. I need to spend a little bit of time praying and prioritizing our work this evening. Daughter has an appointment with her therapist at 4:00 today, so I will be rushing before the meeting, and need to finish my prep earlier. I'll take some work with me to do while she's in her appointment, but I need to think carefully about what I take, as often I run into people and end up talking, not working. But those conversations are important, too. The daughter of a member works in that building. Occasionally I run into someone connected with Daughter's care.

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I've been doing this for over 25 years, so the juggling has gotten easier. Brother's pastor was young, in his first call. He was serving a challenging church. He had struggles in his personal life. He was far away from family and friends. I think an important ministry for our regional bodies is providing support systems for pastors. I'm fortunate to be a part of a wonderful group of colleagues that gathers monthly here. We talk, we pray, we share programs. Unfortunately, we can't make participation in those types of groups mandatory.

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I could write much more, but now the priority is to begin to map out the work for this week and get some things done. I need to take advantage of the time between interruptions (ministry) to get planning and preparation done. Hopefully today will provide plenty of time for that. If not, I'll do what's most important and figure out the rest later. After more than 25 years, I'm beginning to get more comfortable with figuring it out later. I doubt Brother's pastor had that opportunity.

The Rest of the Day

So I pulled together some discussion questions, pull myself together as best I could, and headed out to a gathering of colleagues. Daughter called as I was on my way. "Mom, are you on your lunch break?"

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"No. I'm on my way to a meeting."

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"Oh. Crap."

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"Why?"

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"Well I didn't wait too long. I really didn't. I was walking to the bathroom, and it was like my bladder exploded."

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"Hm. You got yourself into a mess."

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"Yes."

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"Good luck with that."

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I hung up. I decided it was her problem (and I was just too tired to deal with her). I wasn't going to go rescue her. I wasn't going to suggest alternatives to her. I was not surprised, as she will often manufacture a crisis after a particularly rough morning to test and see if I am still available to her and concerned for her.

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I went to lunch with my colleagues. Several of our group were unable to attend, but there were 6 of us there, and we had a wonderful lunch and discussion. We laughed. We prayed. We listened to one another's pain. We had a wonderful discussion about worship and how we approach it. We stayed much later than usual.

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As I headed back to the church to pick up Daughter for her appointment, I could feel the weight settling back on my shoulders. She was a minute or two late for her appointment with her therapist. I dropped her at the door and went and parked. I ran into a couple of people I knew while I was waiting for Daughter. Her therapist came out with Daughter and handed me an appointment card. She asked how I was. Tired. She wished me happy birthday, and asked if I was going to the restaurant that offers a free meal (or $11 off a more expensive meal) on your birthday. I told her I didn't know what I was going to do. She talked about using a citrus scent to help Daughter get moving in the morning. I told her I'd help her do it, but nothing would work until Daughter decided she wanted things to change. She also talked about a medication that might help with the bed wetting. Daughter was on it many years ago when she was going through another bed wetting period. It didn't help.

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When we left Daughter, said Therapist told her just what she needed to hear. I asked what that was. Basically it was the same things I've been telling her. Of course, coming from someone else, it is much better than when it comes from me.

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As I drove home, I decided a free dinner sounded nice. I had ribs. They were good. Daughter was quite apologetic and very disappointed that her apology didn't immediately fix everything. I reminded her that she apologizes almost every night, but the morning never changes. I've had that conversation with her a couple of hundred times, too.

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Then we went to the grocery store. I bought myself a birthday cake. I may share it with Daughter. As I walked into the house, I made a decision. I have commitments Monday, Wednesday and Thursday evenings this week. I will be at an all day meeting on Saturday. I am coming home tomorrow afternoon. I am going to take some time for me. Or maybe rather than coming home, I will go shopping and buy myself a birthday present.

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Daughter is going to continue to challenge me. It will be exhausting at times. I am the only one who is going to take care of me, so I'm going to make that a priority. I think I'll go to bed early tonight. It's part of taking care of me.

Pity Party

I'm having a pity party for my birthday today. It's February and I don't remember what the ground looks like without snow. My parents are dead, and I miss them. I'm in the midst of a very busy time in my personal life and the life of the congregation, so I'm having to work at carving out me time. I'm tired of having to do everything around the house. If Daughter does agree to do something, she's not going to complete it. So she'll unload the dishwasher and leave half of the dishes on the counter. It's really hard to keep up with the laundry when you're gone through the day and then have evening commitments, too, and it is necessary to wash Daughter's linens every single day (At least she does that-- it's not my problem). Oh, and my birthday present from Daughter was a lecture about how she doesn't have to put up with my abuse. It was triggered by my very unreasonable expectation that she would get up in the morning in a timely manner so I could get to the office on time.

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I'm off to lunch and a discussion with some colleagues, so I'm sure that I will feel much better after I enjoy fellowship and stimulating conversation. After our gathering, I get to come back to the church to get Daughter and take her to see her therapist. I hope and pray her therapist can get through to her. I haven't decided if I'm going to take myself out to dinner after the appointment or go home and pull something out of the freezer. I really should go grocery shopping, as I have commitments the next two evenings. Birthday parties are over rated anyway.

Snow Day

I watched a tow truck get stuck a couple of times trying to navigate my street. That confirmed the decision not to try to go any where today. Hopefully the roads will be in better shape tomorrow. A kind neighbor cleared my driveway. I brought home books to work on my sermon, but instead have been trying to get some work done on my income taxes. There is much to complicate them this year. It looks like I will be getting a nice refund, which is nice.

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It will be another year before I know if I need to adjust my withholding. Up until now, I've always made quarterly payments, but here the church is willing to withhold and handle the tax payments for me. I like that, but it is definitely different. I'm also dealing with purchasing a house rather than living in a home provided by the church. I don't think I'll be able to complete the taxes today, but I've been stressing over it, so getting a start reduces my stress level quite a bit.

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Daughter slept in, then cleaned her room and watched TV. She came up from the basement and informed me she didn't feel very good. She's now resting in her room. It's been a quiet day, and I'm enjoying it.

Finding the Balance

So we are having a blizzard. I have followed the news and planned accordingly. I brought home the books I will need to work on my sermon here at home. I informed Administrative Assistant that if the schools are closed, so is the office, and that if she wanted to work to email herself the needed files. I made sure that I had the bulletin information to her this morning, so that could be completed prior to the storm. I did a funeral an hour away today. I knew we shouldn't have any weather trouble, but I had emergency supplies in the car. We have plenty of groceries and firewood. The laundry is caught up. Even if we lose power, we'll be okay.

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Then there's Sister. She lives east of me. The blizzard warning starts later there than it did here. She took half a day today because she was afraid it would start early. It didn't, so she spent the afternoon running around and getting supplies. She was very concerned about my plans for the funeral, and insisted I not stay too long and call her as soon as I got home. She's creating more stress for herself. I think I prefer my approach.

Exhaustion

This afternoon I realized that I am exhausted. The first clue was when I backed into the garage door as i was leaving to lead worship at the nursing home. I did some damage to the garage door, but the car seems to be okay. I needed to replace the garage door, and I think it moved up on my priority list. The second clue was when I wasn't interested in a phone conversation with my sisters.

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I'm taking tomorrow off. Well, at least during the day. I have a meeting in the evening. For the foreseeable future, I have commitments at least 3 evenings a week. I'm going to have to work at finding some balance. I was going to see about getting an estimate for a new garage door, and then I realized that I didn't know when I could schedule them to come give me an estimate. I'm hoping things will get easier after the board retreat this Saturday. I suspect it will take more than hope. I'm going to have to set some careful priorities and boundaries.

It Hits

Today Daughter realized she is in the midst of a break from work and facing several more days of unstructured time. I'm impressed it took until Wednesday. Of course, we've been busy. I just printed out a calendar, and made up a list of chores and rewards. We're not going to accomplish nearly as much as I had hoped, and that's okay. We both needed this break.

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Daughter was trying to convince me she needed to be in the hospital. When that didn't work she talked about how she needed her own apartment right now. We talked (again) about how she needs to be able to keep herself safe from food before she lives independently. It was actually a rather brief crisis, though I suspect we'll have to revisit the issues before we get back into the routine on Monday....