Spring Fever

It was a beautiful day yesterday, so when I dropped Daughter off at her house, I suggested she spend some time outside. She reported later that she did just that-- spending all afternoon outside. She said she was "playing basketball and flirting." I guess I should be grateful it's taken this long for her to show an interest in the 12 men living next door. I'm wondering now if it was a good idea to encourage her to go outside....

Fresh Meat

Some new young men have started in Daughter's program. She is turning on the charm. One is smitten. Her program manager has warned his mother that Daughter is not good girl friend material. I wish I could put a warning label on her telling guys she will break their hearts. Program manager pointed out the guys would probably just view that as a challenge. Sigh.

Talent Show

From this morning's pictures posted on the camp website, it looks like last night was the camp talent show. Daughter, of course, loves talent shows. Usually she sings and/or dances. It looks like she branched out last night and was involved in a drama. It also looks like she did it with several men. Why am I not surprised? My hope is that it was the counselors she was pursuing this week (very likely). They will be kind to Daughter, but not interested in a relationship. It's not likely she will hurt them.

I pick her up at 4:30 today. It will be good to see her.

Defining Success and Program News

Daughter and I have been talking quite a bit about men and relationships. She is so determined to have a boyfriend and incapable of maintaining any kind of a relationship. She was complaining about the guy she just broke up with, and I was pointing out the mixed messages she'd given him. To her credit, she heard what I was saying, and recognized she hadn't been fair to him. With the move happening on Monday, a number of young men will be joining Daughter's program. I asked her if she could stay away from them for now.

"Probably not." It was an honest, though frustrating, answer. She acknowledged that these challenges with men are a result of her history. The she said, "Why is Birth Brother so successful?" BB is 30, and on at least his 3rd marriage. He's had a number of girl friends between marriages, and at least one while married. I pointed out that he's been married three time, and asked if that sounded like success. She thought it did. So we talked about whether his ex-wives or daughter from a previous marriage would see it as success. She decided they wouldn't. I'm not sure she is able to see that he isn't successful. The connection between them is strong, and I don't think she is ready to see his shortcomings.

In other news, I got word as to part of the bus schedule once Daughter returns from camp and starts back in the program at the new location. Monday-Thursday the bus will pick her up at the church. It will drop her off at home every day and pick her up at home on Friday. She will be getting home between 5:30 and 5:40, and on Friday morning she will be picked up at 6:20. I hope pickup from the church won't be that early. I'm going to give it a try, but I'm not sure she'll be able to handle a day that long. The late drop off in the evening will give me more time for visits and such in the afternoon, but I'm not sure that will be good for me, either. I need to be forced to stop and focus on other things at some point in the day.

She had her psychological evaluation for the guardianship yesteday morning, so I dropped her off at her program in the new location Friday afternoon. It's a beautiful building. They will have more space and it will be a wonderful base for them to return to after their outings. Program Cooordinator is still working on getting the staff to understand the importance of not talking about their personal lives in front of the group. While Daughter was being tested, a sub was describing the auto accident she was in a year ago. She lived, but her unborn child died as a result of the accident. PC was all over her about sharing personal details, and reminded the rest of the staff that they needed to remind one another of the rules. I'm glad Daughter wasn't there to hear the gory details (which were pretty bad, I understand).

The Prom

Daughter lost her prom ticket. We went, and they believed us and let her in. We sat at a table with the guy she just broke up with, and she made sure I was between the two of them. There were several hundred people there, wearing every thing from tuxes and tiaras to t-shirts and shorts. There were wheelchairs and walkers, the young and the old. It was in the ballroom of a motel, and it was a very nice setting. The meal was okay.

The band was excellent. Within 15 minutes of them starting, Daughter was done and had to leave. She started out by dancing with the guy who had her running upstairs in tears yesterday. She got mad because he saw his ex-girlfriend and brought her into dance with them. I waited 15 minutes for her to calm down, and then gave up and brought her home. Next year it's going to take a lot of convincing for me to invest the time and money.

Interesting....

Yesterday evening I told Daughter we didn't have to take her friend to the dance, she could meet him there. This morning, she was dry. I'm beginning to suspect that this last round of bed wetting was a direct result of getting a boyfriend and the drama that followed.

We spent over 3 hours working in the yard today. We spread 15 bags of mulch in the front and did some weeding in the back. Daughter worked with me. She isn't a fast or careful worker, but at least she was out there working. I edged one side of the driveway this morning (I'd done the other side Saturday, but it was badly overgrown and I decided that it was best to not do it all at once). She just doesn't get the concept of sweeping. She did pretty well for Daughter, but I still had to go behind her to clean it up.

I am considering paying for the yard waste removal through the summer my trash service offers. I could take the bags to the recycling center on my own, but the hours are very limited, it still costs money, and I'm not thrilled about transporting the stuff in my car. I also considered a compost pile, but there isn't a good place for one in my yard, and I have lots of stuff to put on it. I'm finding owning a home in suburbia is not cheap.

A Holiday

Since today is Memorial Day, Daughter's program is closed and I decided I'm not going into the office. That doesn't mean I don't have work to do. I am going to write some newsletter articles, and I'm going to work in the yard. I hope to get started in the yard early, as it's supposed to get up to 90 today. It's going to be very humid, so I don't think I'll be doing much work outside once it heats up. I may have to turn on the AC for the first time this year. I had to turn the heat back on last week. It's been a crazy spring.

Daughter told me last night she's stressing out about the prom this weekend. So is her "just friend." He called the church yesterday morning for details about how I'd pick him up for it Friday. I told the individual who answered the phone to tell him to talk to me Wednesday. I told Daughter last night she doesn't need to take him to the dance, she could meet him there. "Thank you!" She was so relieved. This is why I've refused to make plans to pick him up. I figure she'll change her mind a few more times before the dance. The meal better be good, because I'm not looking forward to this dance at all.

I will be firing up the grill today for the holiday. Friday Sister invited us to come to her house today, but I decided I didn't want to drive, I wanted to work in the yard. I hope everyone has a good holiday, and remembers the mean and women who have given their lives in service to our country.

News on the Boyfriend and Residential

Yesterday morning I received a warning from staff about New Boyfriend. I was strongly urged not to allow him to take pictures of Daughter or Daughter to give him any pictures. It seems he likes to use those pictures when he is engaged in self-stimulation. Of course, Daughter had already given him 2 of her senior pictures.

While I was getting my hair cut at the mall yesterday evening, NB came to see Daughter, transported by a staff member from his home. The staff member helpfully took a picture of Daughter and NB together, and then asked if it was okay if NB printed it out. I said I'd prefer he didn't. NB then began calling me asking when he could have a picture of the two of them together. Sigh.

I'm going to have to set some limits on his phone calls. He's calling multiple times a day. When he couldn't reach us at home yesterday evening he tracked us down at the church and called twice. He also gave Daughter a ring yesterday evening. It's a "real ring from a jewelry store." I'm trying to stay out of it, and I'm really hoping that the relationship will end after the dance on the 3rd.

In Tiny Village staff was not so willing to transport residents to meet Daughter. Of course, there wasn't a mall within 2 miles, either.

In other news, Case Manager is exploring a possible placement for Daughter 20 miles from here. My initial reaction was no way. I don't want Daughter pulled out of her program and the church at the same time she's moving. I feel like that would be too much change for her at once. It would also be harder for me to see her through the week. I fear that moving her that far away would result in her feeling completely abandoned. I prefer to minimize the disruption. She's just stopped wetting the bed, which I see as a response to all the change and uncertainty brought on by our move. Of course, the other reality is I will really miss her when she moves. Case Manager pointed out that there is on demand public transportation available she could use to get to choir practice and such. I agreed she could continue exploring it, but would have to do some praying before I agreed this was a good thing for Daughter....

The New Boyfriend

Daughter has a new boyfriend. He's 48 years old. He wants to buy us dinner and give Daughter a friendship ring. The two of them are going to the "prom" together. He's bought her ticket and ordered a corsage. He calls multiple times a day. As is typical, Daughter wants us a boyfriend, but is uncomfortable with his desire to talk to her regularly. She wants the status symbol without the emotional demands. Fortunately, he's only at her program 1 day a week, which minimizes their time together.

I hope they can stay together until after the prom on June 3rd. Beyond that, I anticipate they will be breaking up. She was rather dismayed when she found out how old he is. She doesn't like the emotional demands. She does want a boyfriend for the big dance. I'm taking them to the dance. I'm not looking forward to the evening at all. I will go, though, to manage Daughter's insulin. I think the boyfriend dramas are among the most frustrating for me. She sees me happily single. I wish that she would view me as her role model in this area. It certainly would reduce the drama.

Easing Anxiety

Six months after they moved into the church for a "couple of weeks," Daughter's program is getting closer to moving into their new building. They have had one delay after another, but they finally have a good air quality report, so this time it looks like it will happen, hopefully in the next 2 weeks. Daughter was not pleased to hear this. She has liked the fact that her program is right below my office.

We went out for Chinese food tonight, and then we drove over to the new building, which is in the next town. We started in the church parking lot, and measured mileage and time. I reminded Daughter of how far away she was from me in Tiny Village. She's going to be much closer than she was in Tiny Village in their new building. She was pleased, and very relieved. I also reminded her that I may be right upstairs, but I don't let her come up early or come see me. It's a big change, but I think she'll manage it well.

She's very excited about her new mattress. She also has a new boyfriend, and they are going to the "prom" that is at the beginning of June. It's a dinner dance, and we're still negotiating whether I will go and manage her insulin. She wants to prove to me she can handle it on her own. I'm still pondering my options. I wish my anxiety about her on her own at this dance could be as easily resolved as her anxiety over the distance to the new building....

Sister to the Rescue

Tomorrow my old boyfriend and his live-in are coming for lunch. He's a nice guy, and my parents were disappointed that it didn't lead to marriage, but my call to ministry was strong and it wasn't a lifestyle that he wanted. I've been talking about the visit for sometime, and had told Daughter about it, but apparently it didn't click until today. When she realized who I was talking about and remembered his visits many years ago, she went ballistic. She insisted that she would not be in the house when he was here. She threatened to call the police if he came. She said she wouldn't allow him to enter. She said he would trigger too many bad memories. She said he never treated me right. She said Grandma and Grandpa wouldn't approve because they didn't like him. She asked to take the bus to Tiny Village tomorrow to visit friends. I let her rant, refusing to get pulled into an argument. When I wouldn't cancel our plans and wouldn't let her leave, she called her aunt.

.

Sister ignored her cell phone when she saw it was Daughter. When Daughter then called her land line, she figured she'd better pick up. She talked Daughter down, and told her she had to be a gracious hostess. She laid into her about being rude to my guest. Sister promised Daughter that if she is cooperative tomorrow, I will take her to a movie on Friday. She even informed us what one it will be.

.

I guess, though, that if she is polite tomorrow, I can take her to a movie on Friday. I am relieved that Sister got her to calm down. Daughter apologized to me for her behavior after her conversation with Sister. I was concerned by the strength of her objections, so I am very relieved that she has agreed to be cooperative and gracious.

The First Confirmation Daughter Needs to Move

Yesterday evening Daughter told me what happened last Friday night. We didn't go to the concert yesterday evening. We were under a heat advisory, so we stayed home and Daughter snuggled next to me while we watched TV. Early in the evening Daughter had asked me why we couldn't just move now (it will be at least 2 months before we move). But later she began to cry and tell me she couldn't move. She couldn't leave her friends, especially Best Friend Mommy, who has appointed her godmother to her baby. She couldn't leave because she wouldn't be able to see them. I pointed out she didn't see them now, and asked how many times she had seen the baby. She surprised me by telling me she'd seen them twice. I asked when she'd seen them the second time, expecting to hear the BFM had come by the workshop with the baby.

.

She told me a scary story. Last Friday, after they finished pizza, Nice Guy began pressuring Daughter to sneak off with him. He wanted to go to the courthouse and get married. I think he must have finally used the heat and the promise of visiting BFM to get her into the car. Once he got her into his car, he wouldn't let her use her cell phone to call me for a while. I don't know what all happened, and I'm not sure I want to know. Fortunately, the courthouse was closed, so getting married wasn't an option.

.

I am very grateful that Daughter broke up with NG Sunday evening. I hope that when I get her situated in a new program in Capital, there won't be the pressure to be a part of a couple and get married and make babies. That's one of the things I will be looking for in any programs we consider. I'm glad that I'm going to be getting Daughter away from this culture.

It's Over

Daughter broke up with Nice Guy yesterday evening. She was upset about the things he was saying about me. He was insisting that they needed to go to the courthouse and get married right away. I was impressed. When I consider how much she struggled with breaking up with Flasher, I'm very impressed.

.

While I know God will call us to the right place at the right time, I really hope the place is the church I've been talking to and the time is now. It would still be late September before we moved (at the earliest), but that's okay. Daughter needs a fresh start, and I need new challenges. Of course, God knows all of that. We're back to waiting.

The Date

Daughter called late yesterday afternoon and wanted to know if instead of meeting Nice Guy in town, he could just come here for supper. She thought she'd feel safer that way. I told her we'd talk about it when she got home. I was impressed that she was acknowledging her discomfort and seeking ways to feel safe. Unfortunately, when we got home (I was gone all day), I got involved with a phone call, I finally suggested that since we didn't have anything planned for supper at home, I could tell NG that I wasn't going to eat alone and sit with them at the restaurant. She decided it would be okay if I just sat near them.

.

We parked and I set up my lawn chair in the park, and then began to walk to the restaurant. NG showed up as we were walking, and I let Daughter walk with him as I fell behind. When they got the restaurant, Daughter waited and came back to me, asking if they could go in first and get started. I explained that was why I was hanging back. I waited until they were seated to go get my own table a booth away from them.

.

Daughter stopped by my table to show me the food she'd gotten from the buffet so I could give her her insulin. Daughter complained later that Flasher was texting and calling NG throughout their supper. NG finally put his phone on speaker on the table, and Flasher told them he was going to help them with their wedding. So much for no discussion of marriage until Daughter brought it up.

.

After supper we headed over to the park separately. I settled into my waiting chair and they connected with various friends. Part way through the first half, Daughter came to ask me if it was okay if they went up to the front and danced. I said that would be fine, though I thought it was strange that she was asking my permission. I figured it was an excuse for checking in with me. I thought it was interesting that they weren't the first up on the stage when the band called for volunteers, and wondered that I didn't see them as I made my way to the restrooms right before intermission. During intermission, Daughter called. "Is the concert over yet?"

.

"No, it's intermission. Where are you?"

.

"We're out driving around in an air conditioned car. It was too hot there."

.

"Wrong. You need to get back to the concert."

.

They were among the volunteers on stage during the second half of the concert to dance to the twist and YMCA. On the way home I told Daughter that she wasn't to go off with NG in his car without talking to me first.

.

"Fine. I'll just never go on another date."

.

She is so inconsistent. She's afraid to eat with him in a restaurant, but willingly gets in a car alone with him to go driving around. I explained that she could still see him, she just needed to tell me before they went someplace. I don't think she understood my concern at all. Sigh.

.

They had a good time, though, so I will try to keep us both focused on how much she enjoyed the evening.

Tears

Daughter spent a good bit of yesterday evening sobbing. She didn't know why she was crying, she just was. I suspect there were a number of things that contributed to her tears:

1. The possibility of a move and all the of the change and uncertainty that will bring.

2. The recognition that she's not ready to move out/get a job/return to the workshop. She knows that her bed wetting is speaking loudly. When she's mentioned the various goals, she always says, "Part of me...." She never argues when I point out that her bed wetting is telling me she's not ready.

3. Nice Guy. She wants to have a boyfriend, and it's hard on very hard on her to have a boyfriend. She wants to be with him, and she's terrified of being with him.

4. Super Supervisor's continuing absence. Yesterday Sub called convinced that 3 units was too much insulin for Daughter's lunch. It's the same amount she always takes. Sub has supervised her taking 3 units numerous times now. Daughter also expressed discomfort because Sub has loosened some of the rules. She doesn't like that. Hopefully SS will be back today.

So I held her. I acknowledged that the thought of moving is hard. I reminded her that the important things would remain the same, no matter where we live: I would be her Mom, her safety would still be my number 1 priority and that Kitten, Daughter and I would still be a family. Eventually she fell asleep.

This evening she has plans to meet NG for supper (she wants me at the restaurant, but has told me I need to sit at a different table) and the concert in the park. Hopefully the weather will cooperate and it will give her something to look forward to today.

Mixed Messages

As we drove to Big City to see Psychiatrist today, Daughter informed me that she'd been doing a lot of thinking, and thought that it was time for her to get a place with Nice Guy and move out. She said they had a lot of the same problems and he's on a lot of the same medications, and it would be good.
.
We had a long conversation, and I worked very hard at being patient with her. I assured her that I wanted the same things she wanted, for her to be able to live independently and get married. I reminded her of the steps we've set up to help her achieve her goals. I told her that actions speak louder than words, and by wetting the bed every night she was telling me that she doesn't feel safe and isn't ready to take on something new.
.
She's not happy, but for now she is accepting what I told her and Psychiatrist reinforced. I'm sure tomorrow she'll be back with another big plan.

Nice Guy's Back

Nice Guy came over to hang out with Daughter Monday evening. Daughter told me after he left that she had to tell me something. I told her I knew that they were back together. She was amazed that I had figured it out. She's predictable. She says he's promised not to talk about marriage until she's ready.
.
He's working as a dishwasher in a restaurant, but apparently is going to go to the workshop on days he's not working. Now Daughter wants to start back at the workshop immediately. She made it very clear to us yesterday she wasn't ready when she asked me to make it 21 days of no bed wetting before I let her go back. She was wet this morning, yet after a conversation with NG on the phone was begging me to let her go back now.
.
I wonder how long the romance will last this time.

A Sign of Hope

Daughter came home yesterday and told me about a friend she saw during her layover at the workshop. He asked her out on a date. She said yes. What little I know of the guy does not endear him to me. I don't think he is a good choice for her. In fact, I think she needs to take a break from romance for at least 6 months. Here's the hopeful part of it: She's moving beyond Flasher.

.

Yesterday she came home excited about being at the gift shop. I told her it sounded like she liked being at the gift shop. She lowered her head and looked away. "You don't want to admit you like it." She looked up with a huge smile on her face. "Okay. You're right."

.

I've been working on getting my old laptop ready to pass on to her. I reformatted the hard drive and reinstalled the software. Now comes the waiting as I download and install all the updates that have come out in the last 3-4 years. Daughter is excited about getting the computer, and she's being very patient while she waits for me to finish gettingn it ready for her.

.

I love my new computer. I bought a new router at the same time, so everything is working faster and is more dependable. The old one had gotten so slow and undependable. It took forever to do anything on it. This one is so much faster, and Win.dows 7 is a wonderful improvement over previous versions (my old laptop ran Vis.ta). Of course, starting over with the old one is improving it's performance some. Daughter has wanted a new laptop forever. This is the first time the old one was operational enough to try to pass it on to her.

Mission Accomplished

Yesterday evening Daughter came to me and asked, "Are you taking your shower in the morning?"

.

"I haven't decided yet. Don't you want to take yours in the morning? I thought this morning was fun."
.

"I thought it was torture!"

.

I was delighted to know that Daughter had found my cheery shower attitude to be torture. It was what I wanted to happen--she got her way, and it didn't work out as she had hoped.

.

I have spent the day running errands. This is the first chance I've had to sit down at the computer. It was a long day, but I got quite a big accomplished. Neurologist is weaning Daughter off one of her seizure medications. We are both pleased. Even Daughter has decided he's okay now that he is getting her off some of her meds. He told me he ran into some people from Tiny Village and told them that the preacher was a good friend of his.

.

Daughter was complaining about the fact that they've moved her to a group that doesn't have work at the workshop. She couldn't figure out why. I suggest that if you turn down work enough times, they'll take it away from you and give it to someone else. She was not pleased, but later told Therapist that she had been moved because she "spent too much time standing around, complaining, hiding in the bathroom, and not doing work."

.

I thought Flasher was history, and that Phone Harasser was the current flame. As of today, that's changed. She dumped PH and is back with Flasher. She told Therapist, "Do you want to hear the story of all the drama the workshop involving PH, Flasher, and me?"

.

I was down yesterday after hearing I'd missed out on another church. Today one of the podcasts I subscribe to spoke directly to my frustration. God always provides something to put things in perspective.

My Poor Tongue

Daughter had an appointment with Therapist this morning. Fortunately, Therapist had an open hour following Daughter's appointment. We needed it all.

.

Last Wednesday, Daughter began to ease back into full time at the workshop. It was the first time she had been there with Flasher for a while. She agreed to be his girl friend again. She wants to be his girl friend.

.

I'm angry, scared, sad, defeated, you name it, I'm feeling it. Therapist did her best to frame it in a helpful manner. We have a plan: Daughter has a voice. She used her voice to get into this, she will have to use her voice to get out of it when she's ready. Flasher's name is not to be mentioned in our home. None of us (Therapist, Case Manager, Me) will talk to Daughter about Flasher until after she's broken up with him. It's her problem, not ours, and we will not be pulled into the drama.

.

She knows I'm angry. She sat in the back seat on the way home to give me space. She can see him at the workshop, but that's it. There will be no enabling contact outside of the workshop. What happens at the workshop is to stay at the workshop, and she is not to bring the problems home. She is to be responsible and do her chores here at home.

.

I'm going to have to get through the anger so I can relate to her in constructive ways about home life. Therapist gives the relationship 48 hours. I hope she's right. We talked about how Daughter is looking more and more like she has Borderline Personality Disorder. Therapist tried to convince me it's not that bad a diagnosis. She still has some work to do before I'm going to believe it.

.

I hope I will still have a tongue by Sunday. I am afraid I may have bitten most of it off by then. The one good thing is that Daughter is going back to the workshop full time, beginning tomorrow. If I'd had a lunch packed for her, I would have dropped her off today. There's no point trying to protect her from something she wants. Having her gone 40 hours a week should lessen my stress level significantly.