Living with Not Knowing

I am a person who deals with stress and challenges by seeking out knowledge and understanding. If I can gain some understanding of behavior, no matter how irrational the behavior, I can deal with it. I have shelves overflowing with books, and with the internet at my disposal, my appetite for answers has become even more voracious.

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This morning Dad is not answering his phone. Far Away Sister and I have both been trying to call him. We don't know why he isn't answering his phone. We think that if he were dead or unconscious, we would have heard by now. But we don't know why he isn't answering his phone. We are concerned. Those who are closer to the situation don't seem to share our concern. Of course, those who are closer to the situation don't seem to share many of our concerns. We think both of them are having a harder time dealing with Dad's decline. Thinking that they are in denial makes it easier for me to deal with some of their strange comments and actions. It's just very hard dealing with not know what is going on. Far Away Sister and I were speculating this morning about what we don't know. Is he just going to die in his sleep some night? Will he be unconscious and unresponsive for some period of time before his death like Mom was?

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Of course, all of this avoids the bigger question: Is he going to come back from this bout of congestive heart failure, or will this be the one that finally kills him?

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I continue to seek a new call, though sporadically due to the stress of Mom's death and Dad's declining health. What I have now discovered is that it looks like it will be impossible for Daughter to step into some kind of program as soon as we move. There are waiting lists everywhere for the most basic services. So now I find myself pondering what I will do with her. Will I be able to find an adult daycare that will accept her? Could I keep her busy with volunteer jobs around a new church? She is not able to stay home alone, and she doesn't do well with unstructured time. Not knowing what I will be able to find or even what might work for her is very frustrating, to say the least. Once again, I'm frustrated by all I don't and can't know.

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Ultimately, all of this is in God's hands. Ultimately, I know it will all work out. I just wish that God would provide me with a little bit more knowledge so that I could be a little more comfortable with life right now. One of my favorite questions is, "What is God teaching you right now?" Right now God is teaching me how to live with not knowing. It's not an easy lesson.