The first meltdown came because I told Daughter we weren't going to a movie today, but that if she cooperated I'd take her tomorrow afternoon. I told her if she got her bedroom cleaned (which she had promised to do yesterday) I'd consider taking her shopping this afternoon. Yup, that was the cause of a screaming, threatening, door slamming, wall beating, item throwing meltdown. It took less than 20 minutes for her to recover this time. She came out and apologized, and went downstairs for some boxes. She wants to clear some things out of her room to be donated.
.
One of the things she was screaming about as she went to her room was doctors messing with her body. She's really angry with the psychiatrist about the rapid cycling. It will be interesting to see if she expresses that anger to her on Monday. I've been working in the kitchen today. I made blueberry pancakes and sausage for breakfast, and now I'm going to cook some turkey Italian sausage on the grill for lunches this week. We'll have the Italian sausage with corn on the cob for lunch or supper today.
.
Before the meltdown Daughter begged me to allow her to sing her solo tomorrow. I reminded her that we had decided to wait until she was more stable. I told her that if she was doing better, she could sing next weekend. That satisfied her. She is frustrated by her behavior. She's constantly apologizing. She told Program Manager yesterday that she just wants to be herself again. I want that, too.
Saturday, August 27, 2011
Saturday
It's a beautiful day today, and 'd love to go to a festival or something. The challenge is finding and activity that is fun and doesn't overwhelm Daughter. To help her hold it together, she can't be bored or overstimulated. Either of those could be a recipe for disaster.
.
We had a minor meltdown at bedtime yesterday. She was sleeping on her bedroom floor because her bed was wet. I made her get up and put the linens in the washing machine (the room was beginning to smell). The bed wetting is way down, and when it happens we handle it the same as we always have: take a shower and wash your linens. I don't react in any way. She doesn't need to hide it, and I'm going to find out eventually, anyway.
.
I think I'll start the day by making her a big breakfast. That's always a good way to start the day. We'll go from there with our plans for the day.
.
We had a minor meltdown at bedtime yesterday. She was sleeping on her bedroom floor because her bed was wet. I made her get up and put the linens in the washing machine (the room was beginning to smell). The bed wetting is way down, and when it happens we handle it the same as we always have: take a shower and wash your linens. I don't react in any way. She doesn't need to hide it, and I'm going to find out eventually, anyway.
.
I think I'll start the day by making her a big breakfast. That's always a good way to start the day. We'll go from there with our plans for the day.
Friday, August 26, 2011
Trying
Daughter is trying so hard to hold it together right now, but she can't. She does well for a while, and then she blows. There doesn't have to be a trigger, she just has a meltdown. She had an uncontrollable crying spell at program today. There was no trigger, and she doesn't know why she did it. Program Manager had her stay back and watch movies and take a nap this afternoon. Daughter was very apologetic after the meltdown.
.
When she got home, we walked through the park to the mall for supper. After supper, we wandered through a few stores. She then got mad and stormed off. There wasn't a trigger, she just couldn't hold it together any longer. When I finally got her to talk to me, she was mad at me for taking her out in public-- she was embarrassed to have anyone see her in that state. As we were walking home she decided she wanted to stop at the library and see if they had a DVD she wanted. She was delighted to see a church member in the parking lot. I stood and talked to the member (who had been there all day running a used book sale) while Daughter went in and got the DVD.
.
She was pleasant and apologetic after we got home. It's hard living in her head right now. My goal is to get her through to her appointment Monday afternoon. She had signed up to sing a solo on Sunday, but Administrative Assistant and I decided she wasn't stable enough to handle it. Surprisingly, she didn't object very much. It would have been hard on her, and I think she realizes that we were taking care of her.
.
I'm going to keep the weekend as quiet as I can for her. We may go to a movie tomorrow afternoon, but that will be about it for excitement.
.
When she got home, we walked through the park to the mall for supper. After supper, we wandered through a few stores. She then got mad and stormed off. There wasn't a trigger, she just couldn't hold it together any longer. When I finally got her to talk to me, she was mad at me for taking her out in public-- she was embarrassed to have anyone see her in that state. As we were walking home she decided she wanted to stop at the library and see if they had a DVD she wanted. She was delighted to see a church member in the parking lot. I stood and talked to the member (who had been there all day running a used book sale) while Daughter went in and got the DVD.
.
She was pleasant and apologetic after we got home. It's hard living in her head right now. My goal is to get her through to her appointment Monday afternoon. She had signed up to sing a solo on Sunday, but Administrative Assistant and I decided she wasn't stable enough to handle it. Surprisingly, she didn't object very much. It would have been hard on her, and I think she realizes that we were taking care of her.
.
I'm going to keep the weekend as quiet as I can for her. We may go to a movie tomorrow afternoon, but that will be about it for excitement.
Hard
Daughter had difficulty falling asleep last night. She had difficulty sleeping through the night. She was up and dressed long before I was this morning. I watched her sit at the breakfast table holding her head. "My head won't stop talking to me!" She is in so much pain right now.
.
She broke into the pantry last night, so her blood sugar was high this morning. She repeated her desire to die. About the time I began to wonder if I should see about getting her admitted to the psych unit, she got up and wrote a speech of apology she wants to read at her program today. She is feeling so guilty because she knows her behavior and outbursts are hurting people. She just can't stop them right now.
.
Occasionally I wonder if she should be on psychiatric meds. This week I have no doubts. My child is in pain and it's so hard to watch. I just hope I can keep her safe at home until her appointment Monday. Tonight I will give her things to look forward to this weekend, hoping that will keep her going and as cooperative as she is capable of being, given the storm going on inside her head.
.
She broke into the pantry last night, so her blood sugar was high this morning. She repeated her desire to die. About the time I began to wonder if I should see about getting her admitted to the psych unit, she got up and wrote a speech of apology she wants to read at her program today. She is feeling so guilty because she knows her behavior and outbursts are hurting people. She just can't stop them right now.
.
Occasionally I wonder if she should be on psychiatric meds. This week I have no doubts. My child is in pain and it's so hard to watch. I just hope I can keep her safe at home until her appointment Monday. Tonight I will give her things to look forward to this weekend, hoping that will keep her going and as cooperative as she is capable of being, given the storm going on inside her head.
Thursday, August 25, 2011
"I Don't Like Myself Right Now"
Daughter continues to struggle. She is cycling from happy to angry to deeply depressed many times each day. We got her an emergency appointment with the psychiatrist Monday afternoon. This evening I wondered if I should be taking her to the ER. She told me she wanted to be raped and murdered.
.
She was angry because Program Manager and I were texting today. PM was asking me how to handle various situations. Daughter accused me of hating her and of plotting against her. When she managed to calm down, she was able to hear me explain that we were trying to keep her safe as she struggled through a very hard time.
.
She has told me repeatedly she doesn't know why she's acting this way, and she doesn't like herself right now. It's hard, watching her struggle like this. PM texted me that the cycling was so rapid-- she couldn't imagine what it must be like to live in her head right now. I agree. I hope the psychiatrist can work miracles on Monday. I hope I can keep Daughter home until Monday.
.
Case Manager still doesn't fully understand, but we think she's beginning to see a bit more of the challenges Daughter is dealing with. Daughter called Case Manager yesterday and insisted she was ready for a job and her own apartment and wanted to get her driver's license and car. CM wondered if she should make a referral to a job coach. I told her I really didn't think that was a good idea right now.
.
I keep explaining to Daughter that she had to learn the alphabet before she could read, and to walk before she could run, and she needs to learn to be responsible for her own safety before she can take on the safety of others. Yesterday she wanted to call the camp she was at this summer so she could get a job as a camp counselor right away. She was furious when I wouldn't give her the phone number.
.
Once she calmed down she came outside and swept. I mowed and edged the lawn this afternoon and evening, so there was much to sweep up. She eventually did a halfway decent job of it.
.
I'm not bringing my computer home most nights, and I'm not having time to blog when I'm in the office. I like the way my new schedule is working. Daughter gets on the bus about 6:35, and by 6:45 I'm out the door for a 3 mile walk. I get home and head into the church, getting there between 8:30 and 9:00. I'm trying to get home about 4:00, so I have time to do some chores and start supper before Daughter gets home between 5:00 and 5:15. Many nights I'm sitting out on the porch to welcome her home. Without the computer to distract me, I'm getting more done around the house in the evening. Occasionally I bring home a book or notebook so I can do some reading or writing in the evening.
.
Currently I only have evening commitments on Monday, but once September rolls around, it will be 3-4 nights a week. I'm looking forward to our fall program. I think it will be fun.
.
.
She was angry because Program Manager and I were texting today. PM was asking me how to handle various situations. Daughter accused me of hating her and of plotting against her. When she managed to calm down, she was able to hear me explain that we were trying to keep her safe as she struggled through a very hard time.
.
She has told me repeatedly she doesn't know why she's acting this way, and she doesn't like herself right now. It's hard, watching her struggle like this. PM texted me that the cycling was so rapid-- she couldn't imagine what it must be like to live in her head right now. I agree. I hope the psychiatrist can work miracles on Monday. I hope I can keep Daughter home until Monday.
.
Case Manager still doesn't fully understand, but we think she's beginning to see a bit more of the challenges Daughter is dealing with. Daughter called Case Manager yesterday and insisted she was ready for a job and her own apartment and wanted to get her driver's license and car. CM wondered if she should make a referral to a job coach. I told her I really didn't think that was a good idea right now.
.
I keep explaining to Daughter that she had to learn the alphabet before she could read, and to walk before she could run, and she needs to learn to be responsible for her own safety before she can take on the safety of others. Yesterday she wanted to call the camp she was at this summer so she could get a job as a camp counselor right away. She was furious when I wouldn't give her the phone number.
.
Once she calmed down she came outside and swept. I mowed and edged the lawn this afternoon and evening, so there was much to sweep up. She eventually did a halfway decent job of it.
.
I'm not bringing my computer home most nights, and I'm not having time to blog when I'm in the office. I like the way my new schedule is working. Daughter gets on the bus about 6:35, and by 6:45 I'm out the door for a 3 mile walk. I get home and head into the church, getting there between 8:30 and 9:00. I'm trying to get home about 4:00, so I have time to do some chores and start supper before Daughter gets home between 5:00 and 5:15. Many nights I'm sitting out on the porch to welcome her home. Without the computer to distract me, I'm getting more done around the house in the evening. Occasionally I bring home a book or notebook so I can do some reading or writing in the evening.
.
Currently I only have evening commitments on Monday, but once September rolls around, it will be 3-4 nights a week. I'm looking forward to our fall program. I think it will be fun.
.
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
Expressing Needs
Daughter has been crying out for attention this week in a variety of different ways. She has complained of harassment, tremendous pain in her hand, dizziness, and a variety of other things. My mantra has become, "I have confidence in your ability to handle it."
.
I was sitting on the porch waiting for her when she got home last night. She walked up the steps sobbing because her hand hurt so much. The previous evening, I had carefully examined her hand. There was no swelling or redness, and no tender spots as I examined it. She hasn't had an injury. Her description of the pain keeps changing. She insisted that she had to see a doctor.
.
I pondered her complaints as I was fixing the supper she had requested: blueberry pancakes and sausage. Finally I said, "I want to tell you a story."
.
"Oh, oh. Should I sit down?"
.
"It's nothing bad. I'm just remembering when you were real little. Sometimes I'd pick you up from daycare and you'd complain about hurts no one could see. I finally realized that you had big feelings that you couldn't talk about, and these injuries were your way of saying you were hurting and needed attention. It's important to learn how to express those big feelings."
.
"I knew I should have sat down."
.
She didn't acknowledge this was what she was doing. She didn't express her feelings, but she did stop complaining about her hand. She turned down the time and attention I offered her in the evening, saying she preferred to be alone.
.
.
I was sitting on the porch waiting for her when she got home last night. She walked up the steps sobbing because her hand hurt so much. The previous evening, I had carefully examined her hand. There was no swelling or redness, and no tender spots as I examined it. She hasn't had an injury. Her description of the pain keeps changing. She insisted that she had to see a doctor.
.
I pondered her complaints as I was fixing the supper she had requested: blueberry pancakes and sausage. Finally I said, "I want to tell you a story."
.
"Oh, oh. Should I sit down?"
.
"It's nothing bad. I'm just remembering when you were real little. Sometimes I'd pick you up from daycare and you'd complain about hurts no one could see. I finally realized that you had big feelings that you couldn't talk about, and these injuries were your way of saying you were hurting and needed attention. It's important to learn how to express those big feelings."
.
"I knew I should have sat down."
.
She didn't acknowledge this was what she was doing. She didn't express her feelings, but she did stop complaining about her hand. She turned down the time and attention I offered her in the evening, saying she preferred to be alone.
.
Monday, August 22, 2011
A Good Start
Our week is off to a good start. Daughter was up and showered when I got up at 5:00 this morning. She unloaded the dishwasher without any prompting from me. She was happy this morning. She does seem to be improving on a daily basis.
.
It is a beautiful cool morning, and I walked 3 miles before coming into the church. Today I listened to sermon podcasts on the way out, and on the way back I prayed and planned my day. I liked the way that worked, so hopefully will be able to continue that pattern.
.
This is going to be a very busy week, and I'm looking forward to it. I have a great deal to accomplish today, so I'm going to use the timer on my cell phone to help me stay focused and move from task to task. The property guys are supposed to be coming in this morning to begin work on our new prayer/meeting room. I'm excited about seeing the finished room and beginning to use it. Their presence, though, will be another distraction. Hopefully the timer will help me maintain my focus.
.
.
It is a beautiful cool morning, and I walked 3 miles before coming into the church. Today I listened to sermon podcasts on the way out, and on the way back I prayed and planned my day. I liked the way that worked, so hopefully will be able to continue that pattern.
.
This is going to be a very busy week, and I'm looking forward to it. I have a great deal to accomplish today, so I'm going to use the timer on my cell phone to help me stay focused and move from task to task. The property guys are supposed to be coming in this morning to begin work on our new prayer/meeting room. I'm excited about seeing the finished room and beginning to use it. Their presence, though, will be another distraction. Hopefully the timer will help me maintain my focus.
.
Sunday, August 21, 2011
Fall
There is a hint of fall in the air. A few trees have begun to change color, and the temperature is dropping into the 50's at night. Today's high was only going to be 74, so I opened all the windows. There are lots of trees in my neighborhood, so I'm enjoying the sound of the wind in the trees and the breeze coming in the windows. I can hear the birds and the neighbor kids playing touch football. I love fall.
.
After worship today Daughter and I went out to eat, again sharing a meal. From there we went to the farmer's market, and then the grocery store. By the time we got to the grocery store, we both were experiencing some major intestinal discomfort. We finished quickly and came home. Daughter took off her dress, put on her nightgown and went to bed. I called the woman who was going to go to the nursing home for worship with us this afternoon and asked her to handle the service. I was grateful for her willingness to step in on very short notice.
.
Daughter slept all afternoon, but is now up and had some supper. I'm grateful that are suffering was limited to one end, and didn't last very long. I don't think we'll be going back to that restaurant anytime soon....
.
After worship today Daughter and I went out to eat, again sharing a meal. From there we went to the farmer's market, and then the grocery store. By the time we got to the grocery store, we both were experiencing some major intestinal discomfort. We finished quickly and came home. Daughter took off her dress, put on her nightgown and went to bed. I called the woman who was going to go to the nursing home for worship with us this afternoon and asked her to handle the service. I was grateful for her willingness to step in on very short notice.
.
Daughter slept all afternoon, but is now up and had some supper. I'm grateful that are suffering was limited to one end, and didn't last very long. I don't think we'll be going back to that restaurant anytime soon....
Saturday, August 20, 2011
Slow Learner
In October I moved Daughter's prescriptions to a local pharmacy. I have been going there at least once a month ever since to pick up her prescriptions. This month, for the first time, they were all done properly. They'd done split billing on all of them. They had sufficient quantities of each medication on hand to completely fill the prescriptions. It was nice. It only took them 11 tries to get it right....
.
At supper time I pointed out to Daughter that she seemed to be doing better today. All experienced RAD moms know what happened next: a major meltdown. I've been at it 21 years and still haven't figure that out. I'm grateful the pharmacy isn't as slow as I am....
.
At supper time I pointed out to Daughter that she seemed to be doing better today. All experienced RAD moms know what happened next: a major meltdown. I've been at it 21 years and still haven't figure that out. I'm grateful the pharmacy isn't as slow as I am....
Progress in Inches
Yesterday evening I explained to Daughter my theory that part of her problem was that it was a year ago that we were getting ready to move, and suggested that her body remembered how nervous she was, and that she needed to tell her body we aren't moving again. I told her I'm staying in this house until they carry me out feet first. "Do you know what that means?"
.
She grinned, "Until you die."
.
I could see her begin to relax. Today she's a little less volatile. We still have some mood swings, but they aren't as frequent or as extreme. I reminded her to tell her body we aren't moving again. I told her that each day she was going to feel a little bit better. Her sense of humor is returning. Most Saturdays a woman from the church comes with her dog and picks Daughter up to go walk in a park. Every week Daughter informs me she's not walking this week. Every week she goes and has a good time. She needed fasting blood work this morning, so as we were headed to the lab (followed by breakfast out, of course), I told her that she would be picked up to go walking. I could see her winding up. "Now it's your turn to say the line you say every week."
.
I watched as she struggled not to laugh. Eventually she managed to say, "I'm not walking today." She was grinning as she said it. "Darn. I tried so hard to say it with a straight face."
.
We didn't have the usual breakfast battle with her wanting the highest carb item on the menu. This restaurant has 5 egg omelets, and they come with hash browns and two pancakes. She readily agreed to split a meal with me. She came home and started on the bathroom, and this afternoon we're going to go to a movie. I'm relenting and we are going to be Smurfed....
.
It may be inches, but it's progress, and I'll take it.
.
She grinned, "Until you die."
.
I could see her begin to relax. Today she's a little less volatile. We still have some mood swings, but they aren't as frequent or as extreme. I reminded her to tell her body we aren't moving again. I told her that each day she was going to feel a little bit better. Her sense of humor is returning. Most Saturdays a woman from the church comes with her dog and picks Daughter up to go walk in a park. Every week Daughter informs me she's not walking this week. Every week she goes and has a good time. She needed fasting blood work this morning, so as we were headed to the lab (followed by breakfast out, of course), I told her that she would be picked up to go walking. I could see her winding up. "Now it's your turn to say the line you say every week."
.
I watched as she struggled not to laugh. Eventually she managed to say, "I'm not walking today." She was grinning as she said it. "Darn. I tried so hard to say it with a straight face."
.
We didn't have the usual breakfast battle with her wanting the highest carb item on the menu. This restaurant has 5 egg omelets, and they come with hash browns and two pancakes. She readily agreed to split a meal with me. She came home and started on the bathroom, and this afternoon we're going to go to a movie. I'm relenting and we are going to be Smurfed....
.
It may be inches, but it's progress, and I'll take it.
Friday, August 19, 2011
A Realization
Daughter's anxiety continues to be sky high, and today I realized that one year ago at this time we were getting ready to move. It was on August 22 that the congregation officially voted to call me to serve as their pastor. We had placed an offer on this house. Tonight I'm going to talk to Daughter about what was going on a year ago. I'm also going to assure her that we're not moving again. I'm going to talk to her about the good things that came from the move. Hopefully if we talk about these things, her anxiety will decrease. Hopefully.
I Hate Medication Adjustments
Daughter is now off the antidepressant, and she's depressed. Lots of tears, lots of apologies. Last night she said, "I'm just miserable." I think that was an accurate reflection of where she is. "I just want to feel normal again." I keep hoping they will develop a blood test or something to determine what brain chemicals need fixing.
.
Today her program is going to a lake. She's convinced she won't be safe there. I did everything I could to reassure her, and sent her off. It's even more important that I have a break when she's just volatile. I've invited Brother and his family, and there were two possible dates. One was tomorrow. I put it off to September, in the hopes that she'll be a little bit more stable.
.
Last night for the first time I wondered if she was going to need to be hospitalized again....
.
Today her program is going to a lake. She's convinced she won't be safe there. I did everything I could to reassure her, and sent her off. It's even more important that I have a break when she's just volatile. I've invited Brother and his family, and there were two possible dates. One was tomorrow. I put it off to September, in the hopes that she'll be a little bit more stable.
.
Last night for the first time I wondered if she was going to need to be hospitalized again....
Thursday, August 18, 2011
Educating Staff
Today I went over to Daughter's program at lunch time and did an in-service with the staff about her diabetes. I explained why we do things the way we do things. I explained that she has type 1, not type 2, and it is different. I explained that it is immediately life threatening and the dangers of low blood sugars and high blood sugars. They were very attentive. The one who never stops talking was silent. The others asked questions. I took them a page and a half of information, and had copies for each of them. They asked for an extra copy. When the new staff member starts, I will go back and repeat the training.
.
Daughter was very difficult this morning. She was anxious about me talking to staff. She chose to sit in on the meeting. She left as we were winding down, and then came back in and had a melt down. She ended up kneeling beside me with her head in my lap sobbing. That is the position she assumes when she wants me to comfort her. But then she got up, pulled herself together, and stayed for the rest of the day.
.
I took her to a Chinese restaurant tonight. I mowed the lawn. She did some trimming and edging, and is now finishing up the sweeping. She tried to convince me it was my turn to sweep and she'd done her share. I informed her that next week she could do all the mowing and I'd trim and edge and sweep. She immediately backed down, and insisted she'd just been teasing and had never meant it. It was amusing, watching her try to clarify. She was horrified by the thought of mowing.
.
Daughter was very difficult this morning. She was anxious about me talking to staff. She chose to sit in on the meeting. She left as we were winding down, and then came back in and had a melt down. She ended up kneeling beside me with her head in my lap sobbing. That is the position she assumes when she wants me to comfort her. But then she got up, pulled herself together, and stayed for the rest of the day.
.
I took her to a Chinese restaurant tonight. I mowed the lawn. She did some trimming and edging, and is now finishing up the sweeping. She tried to convince me it was my turn to sweep and she'd done her share. I informed her that next week she could do all the mowing and I'd trim and edge and sweep. She immediately backed down, and insisted she'd just been teasing and had never meant it. It was amusing, watching her try to clarify. She was horrified by the thought of mowing.
Blessings
Today I woke up and heard thunder. I've walked 3 miles the last 3 mornings, so I'm now trying to figure out what I'm going to do if I can't walk this morning. The morning walk has become very important to me. I listen to sermon podcasts, pray, and enjoy nature. Yesterday I saw 8 deer while I was walking. I'm feeling very grateful to live so close to a wonderful park and walking trail.
.
One of the things that has surprised and pleased me is how much closer I feel to nature since moving from Tiny Village to Capital. Tiny Village was surrounded by farm land. It was flat and trees were few and far between. It was hard to grill or eat outside because of all the flies that were attracted by the huge livestock operations nearby.
.
Tuesday evening I grilled corn and hamburgers and we sat on the patio to eat. I sat there looking around my yard feeling very blessed to be here. I love my yard, my home, and the church I am fortunate enough to be serving.
.
I want to walk today, so I've checked out the information about the walking club at the mall between here and the church. I've been walking at 6:45. The mall opens for walkers at 7:00. That will work. Another blessing.
.
One of the things that has surprised and pleased me is how much closer I feel to nature since moving from Tiny Village to Capital. Tiny Village was surrounded by farm land. It was flat and trees were few and far between. It was hard to grill or eat outside because of all the flies that were attracted by the huge livestock operations nearby.
.
Tuesday evening I grilled corn and hamburgers and we sat on the patio to eat. I sat there looking around my yard feeling very blessed to be here. I love my yard, my home, and the church I am fortunate enough to be serving.
.
I want to walk today, so I've checked out the information about the walking club at the mall between here and the church. I've been walking at 6:45. The mall opens for walkers at 7:00. That will work. Another blessing.
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
Relief
A couple of weeks ago I took Daughter to the doctor. I came out with orders for blood work in 3 months and a medical form I need to submit as part of the process for getting her an out of home placement. I placed it on the back seat of the car, directly behind the driver's seat. I don't remember what was going on, but I didn't remove it immediately, figuring it would be safe there.
.
Several days later, when I went to get it, it wasn't there. I figured I'd already brought it in the house, except it wasn't in the usual places. I asked Daughter, and she went out and checked the car and couldn't find it. I checked my briefcase. I looked in my study at the church. I didn't do an all out search, because I was afraid that I wouldn't be able to find it. As long as I didn't look, I could pretend like I hadn't really lost it. (I know, I never said I was logical.) I began thinking about what I would tell the medical assistant when I called to request the paperwork again.
.
Today, I was getting my briefcase out of the car, and decided to look again. I saw a piece of paper under the passenger's front seat. I reached over and grabbed it. There was the paper work, just like I remembered it. Now all I have to do is fill it out and send it in. The lab order will join the other 2 that are posted on the refrigerator door. To say I'm relieved would be an understatement.... That's one less thing on my stress list!
.
Several days later, when I went to get it, it wasn't there. I figured I'd already brought it in the house, except it wasn't in the usual places. I asked Daughter, and she went out and checked the car and couldn't find it. I checked my briefcase. I looked in my study at the church. I didn't do an all out search, because I was afraid that I wouldn't be able to find it. As long as I didn't look, I could pretend like I hadn't really lost it. (I know, I never said I was logical.) I began thinking about what I would tell the medical assistant when I called to request the paperwork again.
.
Today, I was getting my briefcase out of the car, and decided to look again. I saw a piece of paper under the passenger's front seat. I reached over and grabbed it. There was the paper work, just like I remembered it. Now all I have to do is fill it out and send it in. The lab order will join the other 2 that are posted on the refrigerator door. To say I'm relieved would be an understatement.... That's one less thing on my stress list!
Miss Bossy
I got a text message from Program Manager yesterday. Daughter has become very bossy at her program, to the point that one individual quit the program rather than deal with her. She wanted my insight and suggestions before she talked to Daughter. I told her that Daughter gets controlling when she doesn't feel safe, so she needed the reassurance that staff was there to keep everybody safe and she could relax.
.
When Daughter got home last night she was quite subdued. Gradually the story came out about her conversation with PM. As we talked, I began to understand much of what's been going on. This morning a series of emails with Program Manager provided additional insight.
.
In keeping with Kari's wisdom, we will address the need, not the behavior. Daughter does not feel safe at her program. She doesn't think the staff understands her diabetes. At least once she raised a concern with a staff member about the way she was handling her insulin, and her concern was dismissed. I have worked hard to teach her that it is her body and her disease and she has a voice she can use to advocate for herself. She tried to advocate for herself, and felt dismissed. When her program was at the church, she knew that most of the time either Administrative Assistant or I was upstairs, and that we would keep her safe. There were a couple of times when something happened to trigger her PTSD, and she tore up the stairs looking for me. Once I wasn't here, but AA was able to give her the support she needed. She doesn't have the security of knowing we are upstairs any more.
.
When Daughter doesn't feel safe, she tries to control everyone and everything,so that contributes to her being bossy. The other issue is that she is still struggling with mania and is very much on edge. Little things annoy her, and today she was trying to get people to stop doing those things. I got word today that the Psychiatrist said I can stop the antidepressant completely now, so I will. Hopefully that will help with the mania. Tomorrow I'm going to go over and train the staff on Daughter's diabetes. They've been trained by the nurse, but they need to understand Daughter and her needs around her diabetes.
.
PM and I had talked about this a couple of weeks ago, but she wanted to wait until a new staff member was on board. Today we decided we couldn't wait for the new staff member, we had to act now. I'm hoping that the training I provide staff will help her feel safer. I hope she responds quickly to the elimination of the antidepressant. I hope that by addressing the needs, the behavior will stop.
.
When Daughter got home last night she was quite subdued. Gradually the story came out about her conversation with PM. As we talked, I began to understand much of what's been going on. This morning a series of emails with Program Manager provided additional insight.
.
In keeping with Kari's wisdom, we will address the need, not the behavior. Daughter does not feel safe at her program. She doesn't think the staff understands her diabetes. At least once she raised a concern with a staff member about the way she was handling her insulin, and her concern was dismissed. I have worked hard to teach her that it is her body and her disease and she has a voice she can use to advocate for herself. She tried to advocate for herself, and felt dismissed. When her program was at the church, she knew that most of the time either Administrative Assistant or I was upstairs, and that we would keep her safe. There were a couple of times when something happened to trigger her PTSD, and she tore up the stairs looking for me. Once I wasn't here, but AA was able to give her the support she needed. She doesn't have the security of knowing we are upstairs any more.
.
When Daughter doesn't feel safe, she tries to control everyone and everything,so that contributes to her being bossy. The other issue is that she is still struggling with mania and is very much on edge. Little things annoy her, and today she was trying to get people to stop doing those things. I got word today that the Psychiatrist said I can stop the antidepressant completely now, so I will. Hopefully that will help with the mania. Tomorrow I'm going to go over and train the staff on Daughter's diabetes. They've been trained by the nurse, but they need to understand Daughter and her needs around her diabetes.
.
PM and I had talked about this a couple of weeks ago, but she wanted to wait until a new staff member was on board. Today we decided we couldn't wait for the new staff member, we had to act now. I'm hoping that the training I provide staff will help her feel safer. I hope she responds quickly to the elimination of the antidepressant. I hope that by addressing the needs, the behavior will stop.
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
A Gift
Yesterday Daughter didn't call all day. I received a few texts from Program Manager, who was dealing with the hurt feelings of the men who Daughter had been getting together with and dumping on Saturday. She said Daughter was finding it uncomfortable to be around them, and they'd talked about it. I enjoyed having a day without any phone calls.
.
I was pondering whether this meant she was coping well when she walked in the door. Her first words were to comment on supper, which I was cooking. Her second words were, "Have you seen my cell phone?" It explained why she hadn't called. I'm viewing it as a gift from God. I confiscated her phone last night when I caught her playing on it when she should have been sleeping. I didn't get it back to her this morning....
.
Last night she told woman that she'd been really bad, "but Mom changed my medication and now I'm feeling much better." I think she is doing better. That's another gift.
.
I was pondering whether this meant she was coping well when she walked in the door. Her first words were to comment on supper, which I was cooking. Her second words were, "Have you seen my cell phone?" It explained why she hadn't called. I'm viewing it as a gift from God. I confiscated her phone last night when I caught her playing on it when she should have been sleeping. I didn't get it back to her this morning....
.
Last night she told woman that she'd been really bad, "but Mom changed my medication and now I'm feeling much better." I think she is doing better. That's another gift.
Monday, August 15, 2011
Calmer
Daughter was definitely calmer yesterday. I hope that means she will respond quickly to a reduction in her anti-depressant. She was very cooperative when we served the meal at the shelter. I had her start dishing up fruit before we started serving the people. She moves slowly, so she was far enough ahead when we started serving that she never felt overwhelmed and slowed down.
.
We overslept this morning, but she was dressed and out for the bu in less than 15 minutes-- with breakfast, insulin, pills, and lunch (I even remembered to give her insulin information). The fact that she was able to move so quickly and be so cooperative is also an encouraging sign.
.
I'm going to go out for a walk and then drive to the church. Part of taking better care of myself is not spending as many hours at the church-- I had been getting to the church at 7:00 most mornings. On Mondays, when I typically have evening meetings, it made for a very long day....
.
We overslept this morning, but she was dressed and out for the bu in less than 15 minutes-- with breakfast, insulin, pills, and lunch (I even remembered to give her insulin information). The fact that she was able to move so quickly and be so cooperative is also an encouraging sign.
.
I'm going to go out for a walk and then drive to the church. Part of taking better care of myself is not spending as many hours at the church-- I had been getting to the church at 7:00 most mornings. On Mondays, when I typically have evening meetings, it made for a very long day....
Sunday, August 14, 2011
Rapid Cycling and Preaching
Psychiatrist increased Daughter's anti-depressant last time we saw her, with the warning that if this was rapid cycling, it would make things worse. I think we have our answer: this is rapid cycling. Daughter had another very rough day yesterday. She told me she needs help. She is having a difficult time finishing anything. Any thing can set her off. She's all over the place with moods and decisions. She must have called one guy multiple times yesterday after ignoring his calls for several days. She told him they could be friends. Later in the day she decided he'd hung up on her and wasn't showing her respect, so she called and left an angry voice mail telling him they couldn't be friends anymore. At some point his parents got involved. I don't know the details and don't want to know the details. I know that tomorrow contact will be made with Psychiatrist to begin weaning her off the antidepressant. I already backed her off to the original dose this morning. I hope that we will see quick improvement.
.
Today was my first Sunday back in the pulpit. I really struggled with God on this sermon, because the Holy Spirit was taking it places I didn't want to go. I was late going to bed and then did not sleep very well. I'm sure there were some people who didn't like what I said-- I mentioned politics and took both liberals and conservatives to task. I also addressed an issue that threatens to split our denomination. A number of people were very effusive in their praise, including a retired pastor who was traveling in the area. He told me he'd be here weekly if he lived in the area. He was glad to hear me taking on the headlines.
.
It will be interesting to see if I get any complaints. It was good to back. I enjoyed my time off, and I am enjoying being back in the swing of things. Now I need to get ready to go serve lunch at the shelter. Daughter has done pretty well so far today. Hopefully that will continue.
.
Today was my first Sunday back in the pulpit. I really struggled with God on this sermon, because the Holy Spirit was taking it places I didn't want to go. I was late going to bed and then did not sleep very well. I'm sure there were some people who didn't like what I said-- I mentioned politics and took both liberals and conservatives to task. I also addressed an issue that threatens to split our denomination. A number of people were very effusive in their praise, including a retired pastor who was traveling in the area. He told me he'd be here weekly if he lived in the area. He was glad to hear me taking on the headlines.
.
It will be interesting to see if I get any complaints. It was good to back. I enjoyed my time off, and I am enjoying being back in the swing of things. Now I need to get ready to go serve lunch at the shelter. Daughter has done pretty well so far today. Hopefully that will continue.
Saturday, August 13, 2011
Deeper into the Hole
Yesterday afternoon while I was painting, Daughter asked if she could go inside and clean the bathroom she had been avoiding. I told her it was a wonderful idea, and I was concerned for her safety. She assured me she would keep herself safe from food. I allowed her to go inside to clean. Of course, she didn't clean (she did get two rags and the window cleaner into the bathroom, but that was it).
.
At bedtime last night she needed her night time insulin and a snack, so she once again apologized. I suggested she demonstrate that she was sorry by putting the clean dishes away. She informed me she was too tired. I guess watching me paint and dozing in a chair are pretty exhausting.
.
After she was in bed, I discovered that not only did she not clean the bathroom, she also had failed to keep herself safe. She got through one lock and found any food she could squeeze out with the cable lock still in place. This morning I asked her to bring me all the empty food containers from her room. She brought out 2 empty baked chip bags and an empty chow mein noodle can.
.
I dropped her off at the church to clean with Administrative Assistant, and confiscated her house key. I told her if she got home before I finished at the grocery store, she could wait on the porch for me. When she got home (after I did, fortunately), she told me she was going to make today a better day. I told her I was glad, and asked her to do the bathroom. She didn't like that. She's apparently planning to make today a better day without being responsible. I told her that Sister had texted and asked us to meet her at an outlet mall today, but I'd declined, because we had storms inside and outside today.
.
Daughter went ballistic. She accused me of lying. I didn't tell Sister the truth. I asked her what the truth was. "I'm not showing you any respect and I'm treating you like crap!" With that, she stormed off to her bedroom screaming and hitting walls.
.
I'm working in the kitchen and listening to sermon podcasts. She will be out to apologize soon, as it's getting close to lunch time. I told her several times this morning that I love her. I told her I was sorry I wasn't keeping her safe. Her blood sugars were in the normal range yesterday even with all the extra food, so I must be giving her too much insulin-- or she's taking extra insulin. The problem is, I can't figure out where I'm making my mistake without all the information-- like what food she's eating.
.
Monday she'll be back to her program. I'm looking forward to the break.
.
At bedtime last night she needed her night time insulin and a snack, so she once again apologized. I suggested she demonstrate that she was sorry by putting the clean dishes away. She informed me she was too tired. I guess watching me paint and dozing in a chair are pretty exhausting.
.
After she was in bed, I discovered that not only did she not clean the bathroom, she also had failed to keep herself safe. She got through one lock and found any food she could squeeze out with the cable lock still in place. This morning I asked her to bring me all the empty food containers from her room. She brought out 2 empty baked chip bags and an empty chow mein noodle can.
.
I dropped her off at the church to clean with Administrative Assistant, and confiscated her house key. I told her if she got home before I finished at the grocery store, she could wait on the porch for me. When she got home (after I did, fortunately), she told me she was going to make today a better day. I told her I was glad, and asked her to do the bathroom. She didn't like that. She's apparently planning to make today a better day without being responsible. I told her that Sister had texted and asked us to meet her at an outlet mall today, but I'd declined, because we had storms inside and outside today.
.
Daughter went ballistic. She accused me of lying. I didn't tell Sister the truth. I asked her what the truth was. "I'm not showing you any respect and I'm treating you like crap!" With that, she stormed off to her bedroom screaming and hitting walls.
.
I'm working in the kitchen and listening to sermon podcasts. She will be out to apologize soon, as it's getting close to lunch time. I told her several times this morning that I love her. I told her I was sorry I wasn't keeping her safe. Her blood sugars were in the normal range yesterday even with all the extra food, so I must be giving her too much insulin-- or she's taking extra insulin. The problem is, I can't figure out where I'm making my mistake without all the information-- like what food she's eating.
.
Monday she'll be back to her program. I'm looking forward to the break.
Friday, August 12, 2011
Apologies
Daughter is good at apologizing. She's got the words down. Today I spent over 5 hours painting our privacy fence while she sat and watched, or dozed. The fence is a shadow box fence, which made it a challenge to paint. I was able to use a roller on one side of each board, but the alternating boards and support structure all required tedious work with a brush. Mine was a bit more challenging than the one in the picture because the support structure is between the boards. Actually, I guess it's not fair to say she watched or dozed off. She pulled a few weeds, and she painted about 12 inches of one fence board. She went into the house to clean the bathrooms, but didn't do them. She probably only sat for 4 1/2 hours.
.
She apologized when she wanted to get a snack, asking if she could go check her blood sugar. She was quite disappointed when her blood sugar was 107, because it meant she didn't need a snack. Of course, she wasn't sorry enough to get up and do something to help, she was just sorry enough to try for a snack.
.
When I finally finished the fence, I was tired and sore. After I showered, Daughter immediately asked for supper. I asked Daughter to please do the bathrooms she'd promised to do earlier in the day first. That made her mad, so she went to her room to pout. Eventually, of course, she got hungry. So, she came out and apologized. She had to apologize so I'd feed her. Unfortunately, I had to get up and feed her, even though it hurts to move. She can't get her own food because I have to keep things locked up. I can't let her go hungry because of the diabetes. She was sorry long enough to get me to dish up some left over chicken macaroni salad for her. She wasn't sorry enough to be pleasant or cooperative. She did get a lecture about how I'm sick of apologies designed to get her something, and how frustrating it is that I have no choice, I have to take care of her, even when she's being terrible to me.
.
After supper she plopped down on the couch so I could see how unhappy she is because I'm so mean to her. I told her if she wasn't going to take care of her responsibilities, she should go to her bedroom. So she is back in her bedroom, probably curled up on her bed pouting. We talked briefly about her fears while I was painting, but right now she doesn't want to solve any problems, she wants to feel abused. She's mad at me because I won't take her out shopping tonight.
.
My original plan was to give the fence two coats of paint. My new plan is to go back and do touch ups to those areas that I missed. I'm hoping after a good night's sleep I'll feel good enough to plant the flowers I have waiting tomorrow. First, though, I'll need to do laundry, and I'll probably end up cleaning the bathrooms because they're bothering me and I'm tired of trying to get Daughter to do them.
.
She apologized when she wanted to get a snack, asking if she could go check her blood sugar. She was quite disappointed when her blood sugar was 107, because it meant she didn't need a snack. Of course, she wasn't sorry enough to get up and do something to help, she was just sorry enough to try for a snack.
.
When I finally finished the fence, I was tired and sore. After I showered, Daughter immediately asked for supper. I asked Daughter to please do the bathrooms she'd promised to do earlier in the day first. That made her mad, so she went to her room to pout. Eventually, of course, she got hungry. So, she came out and apologized. She had to apologize so I'd feed her. Unfortunately, I had to get up and feed her, even though it hurts to move. She can't get her own food because I have to keep things locked up. I can't let her go hungry because of the diabetes. She was sorry long enough to get me to dish up some left over chicken macaroni salad for her. She wasn't sorry enough to be pleasant or cooperative. She did get a lecture about how I'm sick of apologies designed to get her something, and how frustrating it is that I have no choice, I have to take care of her, even when she's being terrible to me.
.
After supper she plopped down on the couch so I could see how unhappy she is because I'm so mean to her. I told her if she wasn't going to take care of her responsibilities, she should go to her bedroom. So she is back in her bedroom, probably curled up on her bed pouting. We talked briefly about her fears while I was painting, but right now she doesn't want to solve any problems, she wants to feel abused. She's mad at me because I won't take her out shopping tonight.
.
My original plan was to give the fence two coats of paint. My new plan is to go back and do touch ups to those areas that I missed. I'm hoping after a good night's sleep I'll feel good enough to plant the flowers I have waiting tomorrow. First, though, I'll need to do laundry, and I'll probably end up cleaning the bathrooms because they're bothering me and I'm tired of trying to get Daughter to do them.
Energy
Yesterday I walked to church in the morning (just over 2 miles), and walked home to get my car at lunch time. I prayed and listened to sermon podcasts as I walked. When I got home last night I mowed the lawn. I'm quite proud of all the exercise I got yesterday.
.
We're beginning today at the church because I needed to open up for a training that the agency that provides Daughter's program is doing here. We allow non-profits the use of our building for events when it is available. Because of the training, Daughter will be with me all day. She's folding church brochures in the office. I view these events as an opportunity to promote the church, so we make sure that we have information available for anyone who might be interested. Yesterday we made a new insert promoting our fall program to put in the brochure.
.
When Administrative Assistant arrives, we will head to the home improvement store to get more paint for the fence. I want to finish painting the privacy fence today, and then I'm going to plant some flowers and ground cover one of the saints brought me yesterday evening. I'm looking forward to spending most of the day in the yard. I'm hoping I can get the sermon done while I'm here at the church this morning, though with all the assistance the Program group is needing, that may not happen.
.
I won't be able to walk to the church every day, but my goal is to walk to the church 1-2 times a week and walk at least 2 miles 5-6 days a week. I'm reminded again of how much better I feel and how much more energy I have when I exercise.
.
Daughter continues to be challenging, but it doesn't get to me as much when I'm getting exercise. She's dumped another boyfriend for a new one who is the "best one ever." We'll see how long this one lasts. Hopefully the men in her program will figure out that she's not a good prospect and avoid her soon. I'm refusing to get pulled into the drama, so I'm hearing less about it.
.
We're beginning today at the church because I needed to open up for a training that the agency that provides Daughter's program is doing here. We allow non-profits the use of our building for events when it is available. Because of the training, Daughter will be with me all day. She's folding church brochures in the office. I view these events as an opportunity to promote the church, so we make sure that we have information available for anyone who might be interested. Yesterday we made a new insert promoting our fall program to put in the brochure.
.
When Administrative Assistant arrives, we will head to the home improvement store to get more paint for the fence. I want to finish painting the privacy fence today, and then I'm going to plant some flowers and ground cover one of the saints brought me yesterday evening. I'm looking forward to spending most of the day in the yard. I'm hoping I can get the sermon done while I'm here at the church this morning, though with all the assistance the Program group is needing, that may not happen.
.
I won't be able to walk to the church every day, but my goal is to walk to the church 1-2 times a week and walk at least 2 miles 5-6 days a week. I'm reminded again of how much better I feel and how much more energy I have when I exercise.
.
Daughter continues to be challenging, but it doesn't get to me as much when I'm getting exercise. She's dumped another boyfriend for a new one who is the "best one ever." We'll see how long this one lasts. Hopefully the men in her program will figure out that she's not a good prospect and avoid her soon. I'm refusing to get pulled into the drama, so I'm hearing less about it.
Thursday, August 11, 2011
A Morning Walk
Yesterday morning I walked in the park for 2 or so miles before coming into the office. The walk was a wonderful gift, and I made some decisions during it:
1. I stopped at the store on my way to the church rather than on the way home. It's much easier to get in and out quickly at 8:00 than 4:00.
2. I came in and sat with AA to set dates for shut-in visits for the rest of the month. We also looked at the work flow for the month. It was a productive day.
3. Last night I left my computer at the church. It felt strange not to have it at home, but I got more done around the house yesterday evening and again this morning without the distraction.
4. I walked into the office this morning. It took about 50 minutes. I'll walk home at lunch time and get my car for the afternoon. I need to run to the home improvement store this afternoon and get more paint. We started painting the privacy fence yesterday evening, and it's soaking in the paint. I'll need at least 2 more gallons.
On this morning's walk I listened to a wonderful sermon, spent some time in prayer, and began planning out the raised gardens I want to build next spring.
It was in the 50's this morning as I walked, and yesterday the high didn't go above 75. I feel much better in cooler weather. I don't handle heat well at all.
Now I need to go catch up on email and get the sermon outlined. This afternoon AA and I are going to do some cleaning and clearing out downstairs in preparation for the gathering room we are creating for fall.
1. I stopped at the store on my way to the church rather than on the way home. It's much easier to get in and out quickly at 8:00 than 4:00.
2. I came in and sat with AA to set dates for shut-in visits for the rest of the month. We also looked at the work flow for the month. It was a productive day.
3. Last night I left my computer at the church. It felt strange not to have it at home, but I got more done around the house yesterday evening and again this morning without the distraction.
4. I walked into the office this morning. It took about 50 minutes. I'll walk home at lunch time and get my car for the afternoon. I need to run to the home improvement store this afternoon and get more paint. We started painting the privacy fence yesterday evening, and it's soaking in the paint. I'll need at least 2 more gallons.
On this morning's walk I listened to a wonderful sermon, spent some time in prayer, and began planning out the raised gardens I want to build next spring.
It was in the 50's this morning as I walked, and yesterday the high didn't go above 75. I feel much better in cooler weather. I don't handle heat well at all.
Now I need to go catch up on email and get the sermon outlined. This afternoon AA and I are going to do some cleaning and clearing out downstairs in preparation for the gathering room we are creating for fall.
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
Naming the Fear
Yesterday I received a text from Daughter's Program Manager. Daughter had started a micro enterprise early this summer. With our time away and the way bureaucracy moves slowly, she finally made her first product last week. She proudly showed me a video on her ipod of her first mini scrapbook. The agency provided supplies and support and will sell it at their marketplace. Daughter had gotten to her program yesterday and announced she was quitting her micro enterprise. PM texted and asking what they should do. I responded that they should tell Daughter to suck it up-- she'd made a commitment and needed to follow through. PM agreed, saying usually they let the individuals make their own decisions, but in this case, she thought I was right.
.
Yesterday afternoon, Daughter called me, furious that PM and I had talked and decided she should keep doing her micro enterprise. I told her I was busy, and we would talk when she got home. She accused me of always being too busy to talk to her.
.
When she arrived home, I was waiting on the front porch. I invited to sit with me so we could talk. Of course she didn't want to talk then. We did talk though. Eventually we worked through the smoke screen to the real issue: Daughter claimed she's never succeeded at anything and is afraid of success. She was crying as she told me this.
.
We talked further, and I reminded her that she had succeeded at camp, and had been very happy and proud. She wanted me to send her to camp again this month. We also talked about what she could do with the money she makes. I suggested she could buy pop when she's out with her program and spend money on itunes.
.
When she went to stay with some members while I was at a meeting yesterday evening, she was bragging about her micro enterprise. The woman is interested in seeing and purchasing Daughter's mini scrapbook. I've forwarded the reassurance and motivator to PM, and hopefully Daughter will now move forward with her project.
.
Yesterday afternoon, Daughter called me, furious that PM and I had talked and decided she should keep doing her micro enterprise. I told her I was busy, and we would talk when she got home. She accused me of always being too busy to talk to her.
.
When she arrived home, I was waiting on the front porch. I invited to sit with me so we could talk. Of course she didn't want to talk then. We did talk though. Eventually we worked through the smoke screen to the real issue: Daughter claimed she's never succeeded at anything and is afraid of success. She was crying as she told me this.
.
We talked further, and I reminded her that she had succeeded at camp, and had been very happy and proud. She wanted me to send her to camp again this month. We also talked about what she could do with the money she makes. I suggested she could buy pop when she's out with her program and spend money on itunes.
.
When she went to stay with some members while I was at a meeting yesterday evening, she was bragging about her micro enterprise. The woman is interested in seeing and purchasing Daughter's mini scrapbook. I've forwarded the reassurance and motivator to PM, and hopefully Daughter will now move forward with her project.
Monday, August 8, 2011
Food Issues
Yesterday evening I asked Daughter what she wanted for a bedtime snack. She informed me she couldn't eat, she'd just watch her blood sugar closely over night so she woulen't go low. I told her she needed a snack, and insisted she choose a snack, so she decided to have some cheese crackers.
.
A few minutes later she got her long acting insulin out of the refrigerator. I was watching her reflection in the family room window, and saw her hide something in the hall. I told her to put whatever it was back in the refrigerator. She denied getting anything out of the refrigerator. I told her I knew she'd gotten something out, and would come get it myself. She then confessed that she'd gotten the leftover blueberry pancakes out of the refrigerator. She put them back.
.
She'd just had a snack after insisting she couldn't eat one. She'd just had the blueberry pancakes for supper, and will have them again for breakfast. She wasn't hungry. Her food issues aren't about hunger or deprivation. It's a compulsion for her. I'm not even convinced it's about control, because I know there are times when she is into food and I don't know about it. When I find she's been into food, I point out I know. I don't yell, I don't criticize. I may say something along the line, "I'll be glad when you are working with me to keep yourself safe." I am intentionally very low key in my response. Sometimes I feel like this will never change.
.
A few minutes later she got her long acting insulin out of the refrigerator. I was watching her reflection in the family room window, and saw her hide something in the hall. I told her to put whatever it was back in the refrigerator. She denied getting anything out of the refrigerator. I told her I knew she'd gotten something out, and would come get it myself. She then confessed that she'd gotten the leftover blueberry pancakes out of the refrigerator. She put them back.
.
She'd just had a snack after insisting she couldn't eat one. She'd just had the blueberry pancakes for supper, and will have them again for breakfast. She wasn't hungry. Her food issues aren't about hunger or deprivation. It's a compulsion for her. I'm not even convinced it's about control, because I know there are times when she is into food and I don't know about it. When I find she's been into food, I point out I know. I don't yell, I don't criticize. I may say something along the line, "I'll be glad when you are working with me to keep yourself safe." I am intentionally very low key in my response. Sometimes I feel like this will never change.
Sunday, August 7, 2011
Worship
Okay, I admit it. When it comes to worship, I have perfectionist tendencies. I want things to flow smoothly. I find it challenging to just go with the flow. That's not quite right. I am fine with incorporating interruptions and surprises that come up during the course of the service. In the planning, I focus on coordinating everything, flow, and anticipating challenges. Today five area churches worshiped together at a park. There were six ministers involved, which meant there were at least 7 opinions on everything. Coordination and communication were loose, and this morning was a little more chaotic than I like.
.
It didn't help that Daughter was a grouch this morning. She was refusing to speak to anyone or shake any one's hand. She was afraid they'd catch her allergies. Of course she didn't believe me when I told her allergies aren't contagious. She checked her blood sugar three times during the worship service, frustrated at how stable (and in normal range) it was. The park was beautiful, and I had some good conversations. I will focus on that, and let go of the rest. I am grateful I didn't have to preach this morning.
.
It didn't help that Daughter was a grouch this morning. She was refusing to speak to anyone or shake any one's hand. She was afraid they'd catch her allergies. Of course she didn't believe me when I told her allergies aren't contagious. She checked her blood sugar three times during the worship service, frustrated at how stable (and in normal range) it was. The park was beautiful, and I had some good conversations. I will focus on that, and let go of the rest. I am grateful I didn't have to preach this morning.
Saturday, August 6, 2011
Realizations
Sister Best Friend has encouraged me several times to update the information in the About Me and Important People and Places sections of my blog. So, I have done that. I realized as I did it that I don't have nearly as much contact with my siblings as I did when I was in Tiny Village. I thought when I moved closer, we would become closer. I may be seeing them a little more frequently, but I'm not talking to them nearly as often. Part of this is because we're no longer dealing with issues around our parents needs/death and our grief over it. It's been 2 years since Mom's death and almost 2 years since Dad's death. I woke up thinking about them this morning, so it's not like I've forgotten them, it's just that I'm no longer consulting/supporting as I was for so long.
.
The other reason I'm not talking to them as frequently is simply a matter of time. I am much busier since I moved to Capital. Long drives on country roads used to be an opportunity to contact them. Now I spend very little time in the car. I'm not initiating calls, and when they call I'm often busy and have to get back with them.
.
It's been almost a year since I received the call to become pastor of this congregation. It's been a good year, a busy year, and I'm very grateful that I am here serving these people.
.
The other reason I'm not talking to them as frequently is simply a matter of time. I am much busier since I moved to Capital. Long drives on country roads used to be an opportunity to contact them. Now I spend very little time in the car. I'm not initiating calls, and when they call I'm often busy and have to get back with them.
.
It's been almost a year since I received the call to become pastor of this congregation. It's been a good year, a busy year, and I'm very grateful that I am here serving these people.
Accidental Honesty
Daughter sent me a text yesterday afternoon about how she didn't feel good and couldn't stop shaking. I read it and realized that anxiety was contributing to whatever was going on, so I sent her reminders about how to soothe herself. I assured her she'd be okay, reminded her she'd be home shortly, and instructed her to take some deep breaths and listen to her Christian music to help her relax. I think she intended to respond, "It's not helping." What her text actually said, though, was "I'm not helping." Now that's honest.
Friday, August 5, 2011
A Day in the Yard
While I was mowing the lawn this morning, one of the saints called. She wanted to know if she could come work in my yard today. Did she think I'd say no?
.
We worked together for about 4 hours in the back yard. Slowly but surely we're getting things cleaned up after several years of neglect. We did some weeding and trimming. We cut down all the weeds that were growing between some bushes and the fence. I moved some flowers.
.
I enjoy working in the yard. I can see what I've accomplished, I know I've made a difference. I wish I could say the same for ministry. I am constantly sowing seeds, but most of the time I don't get to see them grow.
.
Daughter did well until the end of the day. Once she got on the bus, she began texting me about how sick she was. I offered reassurance and suggestions, which wasn't what she was wanting. She survived the bus ride home and is now pouting in her bedroom.
.
We worked together for about 4 hours in the back yard. Slowly but surely we're getting things cleaned up after several years of neglect. We did some weeding and trimming. We cut down all the weeds that were growing between some bushes and the fence. I moved some flowers.
.
I enjoy working in the yard. I can see what I've accomplished, I know I've made a difference. I wish I could say the same for ministry. I am constantly sowing seeds, but most of the time I don't get to see them grow.
.
Daughter did well until the end of the day. Once she got on the bus, she began texting me about how sick she was. I offered reassurance and suggestions, which wasn't what she was wanting. She survived the bus ride home and is now pouting in her bedroom.
Thursday, August 4, 2011
The First Week Back
Today was my final day in the office this week. It was a crazy week. There was the memorial service, newsletter, and a meeting tonight that took quite a bit of preparation. Poor Administrative Assistant went from shortened hours to 2 1/1 extra hours this week. The good news is we didn't have to do much preparation for this Sunday because it's a joint worship service in the park. The frustrating part of that is that it doesn't seem to be very well organized, and there are a lot of details that may or may not come together. A colleague is coordinating, so I'm doing my part and asking an occasional question.
.
Daughter called several times today. I was in a meeting, so she wasn't getting the response she wanted from me, so she called Sister and hooked her in. I had to drag Daughter with me to the church for a meeting tonight. She commented on how long it had been since she'd been there and had fun exploring her drawer in my desk. She'd forgotten what was in it. She was very patient through a 90 minute meeting.
.
Administrative Assistant asked her to help clean the church after an event next week. She'll get paid, and she's very excited about it. She said, "I'll have to do a good job, not the lazy screw up job I do at home."
.
I'm looking forward to a quiet day at home tomorrow.
.
Daughter called several times today. I was in a meeting, so she wasn't getting the response she wanted from me, so she called Sister and hooked her in. I had to drag Daughter with me to the church for a meeting tonight. She commented on how long it had been since she'd been there and had fun exploring her drawer in my desk. She'd forgotten what was in it. She was very patient through a 90 minute meeting.
.
Administrative Assistant asked her to help clean the church after an event next week. She'll get paid, and she's very excited about it. She said, "I'll have to do a good job, not the lazy screw up job I do at home."
.
I'm looking forward to a quiet day at home tomorrow.
A Morning Laugh
Yesterday afternoon we had a rather frustrating meeting. This morning I received this cartoon in my email. Administrative Assistant and I have printed it out, enlarged it, and placed it where we can see it. We both got a laugh out of it, and I suspect several others will, too. The good news is that the people who do it most often usually come around after their initial opposition to the new idea.
"
"
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
kkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk
Last night I was tired when I finally sat down to write out the liturgy for today's memorial service. I was cutting and pasting when I apparently dozed off. When I woke up, I had over 200 pages of kkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk in the document. Apparently I was hitting the ctrl key occasionally, because about once a page the paragraph I had been pasting appeared. I think I need to get more sleep.
.
The memorial service did go well today. People thought I really knew her well. I was given good information. Members of the church were welcoming me back and telling me they'd missed me. That's nice to know.
.
I was in a meeting late this afternoon when my cell phone rang. It was Daughter. She was home, over an hour early. I told the committee Daughter was home alone and I'd see them later (the meeting was winding down). It seems that there was a power failure at the facility that has the early route, so they ran the late route early today. It would be nice if they let me know about those things. I think she did okay while she was home alone. Her blood sugar doesn't show evidence of extra food.
.
I think tonight I will go to bed early. Tomorrow we have to finalize the newsletter. I think I got most of the articles I needed to write done this afternoon.
.
The memorial service did go well today. People thought I really knew her well. I was given good information. Members of the church were welcoming me back and telling me they'd missed me. That's nice to know.
.
I was in a meeting late this afternoon when my cell phone rang. It was Daughter. She was home, over an hour early. I told the committee Daughter was home alone and I'd see them later (the meeting was winding down). It seems that there was a power failure at the facility that has the early route, so they ran the late route early today. It would be nice if they let me know about those things. I think she did okay while she was home alone. Her blood sugar doesn't show evidence of extra food.
.
I think tonight I will go to bed early. Tomorrow we have to finalize the newsletter. I think I got most of the articles I needed to write done this afternoon.
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
So Much for Summer Hours
Administrative Assistant has always cut her hours in the summer. Of course, this year, she wasn't able to cut them until July, when I was out of town. Today we were in the office together again for the first time since my vacation. She didn't leave at 1:00 today, as she did last month. In fact, she didn't leave at 3:00, which is her normal winter quitting time. It was 4:00 before she got away. It was another crazy day in the office, with lots of phone calls. The bulletin for the memorial service tomorrow is done, and I wrote some more newsletter articles. We'd like to have the newsletter out on Thursday. We're both grateful that we're having worship in the park this Sunday. I don't have to preach, and she doesn't have to worry about doing a bulletin.
.
August is always a busy month. There is just so much to do as we get ready for the fall program to start in September. Since we're starting a number of new programs this fall, it is especially crazy. I don't think AA will be leaving at 1:00 this month.
.
August is always a busy month. There is just so much to do as we get ready for the fall program to start in September. Since we're starting a number of new programs this fall, it is especially crazy. I don't think AA will be leaving at 1:00 this month.
Stories
Yesterday afternoon a young man called the church wanting information about it. They were looking for a church to join, and wanted to stop by and visit. I sat with this young couple for over an hour listening to their story. It's a story of pain and disappointment. Though neither grew up in the church, they are now recognizing their need and hope that by committing their lives to Christ they can find peace and navigate life's challenges a bit easier.
.
I gave them a Bible and made some recommendations for them to begin reading. I gave them information about the church. I prayed with them. They plan to attend the church picnic this Sunday. She wants to join the choir, and they wanted to know how soon they could join the congregation.
.
In the evening I met with the son and daughter of a woman who died last month. Her memorial service will be Wednesday. They told me a story of dysfunctional families and the challenges of growing up poor. We talked about their mother's flaws, and also about her strength. We talked about alcoholism, adoption, and abandonment. We talked about the faith of their mother, a faith that carried her through some pretty big challenges.
.
We talked about her death, and her suffering in the hands of our health care system.
.
Yesterday I heard stories of deep pain, and the hope that faith brings in the midst of suffering. As always, I was honored to be given the trust of family stories. Have I mentioned recently how much I love ministry?
.
I gave them a Bible and made some recommendations for them to begin reading. I gave them information about the church. I prayed with them. They plan to attend the church picnic this Sunday. She wants to join the choir, and they wanted to know how soon they could join the congregation.
.
In the evening I met with the son and daughter of a woman who died last month. Her memorial service will be Wednesday. They told me a story of dysfunctional families and the challenges of growing up poor. We talked about their mother's flaws, and also about her strength. We talked about alcoholism, adoption, and abandonment. We talked about the faith of their mother, a faith that carried her through some pretty big challenges.
.
We talked about her death, and her suffering in the hands of our health care system.
.
Yesterday I heard stories of deep pain, and the hope that faith brings in the midst of suffering. As always, I was honored to be given the trust of family stories. Have I mentioned recently how much I love ministry?
Monday, August 1, 2011
First Day Back
I'm back in the office, and have had a steady stream of members "stopping by" on errands. They all want to chat and welcome me back. I've enjoyed the conversations. It's good to be back in the office. Between visitors I've been sorting through a month's worth of mail. I spoke to one of the men about getting better locks for my pantry doors. He's going to talk to a friend who is a locksmith to get some suggestions. I have mixed feelings about the whole situation. If it weren't for the diabetes, I wouldn't worry about locking things up. Even if she would be honest with me about what she eats, I wouldn't have to lock things up. Regulating insulin without knowledge of the food she is eating is not only difficult, it's dangerous.
.
This afternoon I'm writing notes to members who lost loved ones while I was away and newsletter articles. This evening I'll be meeting with a family to plan a memorial service for Wednesday. This Sunday we will have worship and a picnic in the park with our sister churches. I'm grateful, because it means I don't have to worry about a sermon this week.
.
This afternoon I'm writing notes to members who lost loved ones while I was away and newsletter articles. This evening I'll be meeting with a family to plan a memorial service for Wednesday. This Sunday we will have worship and a picnic in the park with our sister churches. I'm grateful, because it means I don't have to worry about a sermon this week.
Sunday, July 31, 2011
Last Day of Vacation
Tomorrow I return to work. As I look back on my vacation, I accomplished quite a bit in the yard, though not as much as I had hoped. I always seem to be a little too optimistic about what I will be able to accomplish. I did enjoy the break from my normal routine. I liked taking on tasks that resulted in change I could see. So often in ministry, we plant seeds, but are never sure what kind of soil they are falling on. Too often we don't know if the seeds we have labored to plant are growing. It can be hard to know if we're making a difference.
.
This morning we went to a neighboring church where a friend is pastor. I appreciated his message, which was what I needed to hear. Of course, now it's up to me to do something with the seeds he gave me. Will I nurture them so they will grow? Will I take the Word he proclaimed and allow it to work in my life and ministry? This afternoon is a time to spiritually prepare myself for my return to work tomorrow. I'll need to hit the ground running, as I'm meeting with a family tomorrow evening about a memorial service on Wednesday. I also need to get a number of newsletter articles written. It will be a busy week, and hopefully a good one.
.
This morning we went to a neighboring church where a friend is pastor. I appreciated his message, which was what I needed to hear. Of course, now it's up to me to do something with the seeds he gave me. Will I nurture them so they will grow? Will I take the Word he proclaimed and allow it to work in my life and ministry? This afternoon is a time to spiritually prepare myself for my return to work tomorrow. I'll need to hit the ground running, as I'm meeting with a family tomorrow evening about a memorial service on Wednesday. I also need to get a number of newsletter articles written. It will be a busy week, and hopefully a good one.
Saturday, July 30, 2011
The Aftermath
Guilt drove Daughter to clean the garage while I mowed the lawn today. I had a new garage door installed this week (the 32 year old wooden door was rotting out). We had to move some things to give the men room to work, so Daughter put those things back where they belonged and did a general cleaning. She did a decent job. I think the hot outside work of the last few days has caught up with me. I slept for a couple of hours this afternoon-- something I rarely do. It's back to work on Monday. I'm looking forward to getting back into the routine. While we didn't get everything done I would have liked, I'm delighted with the progress we made in the yard.
.
I'm pleased that she turned it around so quickly. Sometimes guilt will feed her downward spiral. She was quite proud of herself, saying, "Yeah, Me!" as she talked about how she'd turned things around.
.
I'm pleased that she turned it around so quickly. Sometimes guilt will feed her downward spiral. She was quite proud of herself, saying, "Yeah, Me!" as she talked about how she'd turned things around.
The Morning After
Daughter asked me to make blueberry pancakes today. I'd bought some blueberries for the dessert last night. She did so well yesterday, I decided to make them. She was slow getting up this morning, and I had to call her several times, which surprised me, since I was sure she could smell the sausage and pancakes I was making.
.
Her blood sugar was sky high. She finally confessed to breaking into the pantry and pigging out on crackers. I guess she couldn't handle being cooperative for 24 hours.
.
Her blood sugar was sky high. She finally confessed to breaking into the pantry and pigging out on crackers. I guess she couldn't handle being cooperative for 24 hours.
Friday, July 29, 2011
A Good Day
Daughter worked with me today to get ready to host Sister Best Friend and her husband for supper tonight. Daughter did a great job of sticking with it. She complained a few times, but they were all minor complaints. She cleaned both bathrooms and helped with the laundry.
.
I grilled hamburgers, Italian sausage, corn, green peppers and onions, and peaches. We ate outside under the trees. My house is shaped like an L, and the patio is on the inside corner. I realized this week that the family room blocks the breezes from hitting the patio. I may have to extend the patio out into the yard a ways-- I'll probably see about using pavers to do it. But that's a project for another year. It was a pleasant day followed by a pleasant evening. Life is much more pleasant when Daughter is being cooperative.
.
I grilled hamburgers, Italian sausage, corn, green peppers and onions, and peaches. We ate outside under the trees. My house is shaped like an L, and the patio is on the inside corner. I realized this week that the family room blocks the breezes from hitting the patio. I may have to extend the patio out into the yard a ways-- I'll probably see about using pavers to do it. But that's a project for another year. It was a pleasant day followed by a pleasant evening. Life is much more pleasant when Daughter is being cooperative.
Foiled Again
Yesterday afternoon and evening I was working in the yard. I cleared out one garden, transplanting most of the plants to other areas, and then I planted the flowers I had removed to make a garden for my berries. Daughter worked along side me when she got home, and we were late coming in for supper. I hadn't planned anything, and I was tired. I offered her several options. Of course she rejected them all. "I want bread and jam and milk and fruit." She knew, of course, that there were too many carbs and not enough protein. She was stubborn. "I don't care. I want fruit and milk."
.
After thinking for a minute, I told her I'd make nachos, putting some ground turkey seasoned for taco on baked tortilla chips with a little cheese on top. Then she could also have her milk and fruit. "Never mind. I won't eat it."
.
I wasn't supposed to figure out how to give her what she wanted. I was supposed to say no so she could argue and have a reason to be mad at me. I made the nachos and gave her a choice on fruit. She chose grapes.
.
I was quite pleased with the way I short circuited her attempt to suck me into an argument. I was also pleased with the way she helped me finish up yesterday's yard work. There is still more to do, of course, but I'm pleased with what we've accomplished this week. Once the rain stops, we'll paint the privacy fence. I think that will complete this year's yard projects. In the spring I'll put in raised garden for fruits and vegetables.
.
After thinking for a minute, I told her I'd make nachos, putting some ground turkey seasoned for taco on baked tortilla chips with a little cheese on top. Then she could also have her milk and fruit. "Never mind. I won't eat it."
.
I wasn't supposed to figure out how to give her what she wanted. I was supposed to say no so she could argue and have a reason to be mad at me. I made the nachos and gave her a choice on fruit. She chose grapes.
.
I was quite pleased with the way I short circuited her attempt to suck me into an argument. I was also pleased with the way she helped me finish up yesterday's yard work. There is still more to do, of course, but I'm pleased with what we've accomplished this week. Once the rain stops, we'll paint the privacy fence. I think that will complete this year's yard projects. In the spring I'll put in raised garden for fruits and vegetables.
Thursday, July 28, 2011
Fresh Meat
Some new young men have started in Daughter's program. She is turning on the charm. One is smitten. Her program manager has warned his mother that Daughter is not good girl friend material. I wish I could put a warning label on her telling guys she will break their hearts. Program manager pointed out the guys would probably just view that as a challenge. Sigh.
"I Collapsed on the Bus"
Daughter called this morning after she got to her program to inform me she had collapsed on her bus. "That sounds dramatic."
.
"Oh, it was."
.
So I'm sitting here wondering why she's calling me and not the bus driver or one of the workers at her program. Experience suggested that I wasn't getting the complete story. She reported her blood sugar to me, and I observed that wouldn't have caused her to collapse, no matter what she said.
.
"Well, when I say collapse, I mean I fell asleep."
.
When you get on the bus at 6:30 in the morning, and are on it for over an hour, sleeping doesn't sound like a problem to me-- it sounds like a smart thing to do!
.
"Oh, it was."
.
So I'm sitting here wondering why she's calling me and not the bus driver or one of the workers at her program. Experience suggested that I wasn't getting the complete story. She reported her blood sugar to me, and I observed that wouldn't have caused her to collapse, no matter what she said.
.
"Well, when I say collapse, I mean I fell asleep."
.
When you get on the bus at 6:30 in the morning, and are on it for over an hour, sleeping doesn't sound like a problem to me-- it sounds like a smart thing to do!
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
Psychiatrist
Part of the mystery of Daughter's recent behaviors is solved: she wants to be hospitalized. She knows the language well. In fact, this evening, she was trying again to convince me she needed to be in the hospital, and informed me that she is a danger to herself and others. She's not going to the hospital, but we are increasing her antidepressant. If she gets better, we'll know the problem is depression, if she gets worse, we'll know she's doing some rapid cycling.
.
She also confessed today that she's been getting a hold of the insulin at her program and taking extra. We had suspected as much, but couldn't figure out how. We still don't know how, as she isn't able to explain in a manner we've been able to understand.
.
I'm concerned about her grasp of reality right now. On the way to the psychiatrist she was trying to convince me she's pregnant, and insisted that you don't need sperm to get pregnant....
.
She did work with me in the yard for a while this afternoon. We cut down some large bushes in the backyard. I'm also getting ready to move some flowers and other plants around. I offered her the option of staying home the rest of the week, but she informed me she needs to be at her program. I think she needs the stability and structure it offers her. I hope that the increase in medication will help her get back on track. I hope.
.
She also confessed today that she's been getting a hold of the insulin at her program and taking extra. We had suspected as much, but couldn't figure out how. We still don't know how, as she isn't able to explain in a manner we've been able to understand.
.
I'm concerned about her grasp of reality right now. On the way to the psychiatrist she was trying to convince me she's pregnant, and insisted that you don't need sperm to get pregnant....
.
She did work with me in the yard for a while this afternoon. We cut down some large bushes in the backyard. I'm also getting ready to move some flowers and other plants around. I offered her the option of staying home the rest of the week, but she informed me she needs to be at her program. I think she needs the stability and structure it offers her. I hope that the increase in medication will help her get back on track. I hope.
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
More Vacation
Today I met Sister and Short Niece at the zoo. I didn't tell Daughter we were going. It was a very pleasant day. I felt a little bit guilty about not taking Daughter, but from the calls and texts I've been receiving today, she's struggling. She was up too late last night, and it has taken a toll on her. She's twice asked me to come get her, and both times I've expressed confidence in her ability to cope and refused. I also reminded her that we'd spend all day tomorrow together.
.
Now I need to go find a good park for our hike and picnic tomorrow.
.
Now I need to go find a good park for our hike and picnic tomorrow.
Vacation
Yesterday finally felt like vacation. In the morning, I saw that there were still tickets available for my college's alumni outing to a local baseball game. Since it is cooler this week, I decided to go. I was a little concerned about how Daughter would handle it, but decided I wanted to go, so I'd risk it.
.
I then spent the day working in the yard. One of the men from the church joined me. He installed gutter guards, and we cleared about 100 square feet and I planted blackberry, raspberry, and blueberry bushes. I still have to finish spreading the mulch around them. I also used landscape fabric, so hopefully I won't have to do battle with weeds.
.
Daughter helped by putting things away when she got home. On the way to the game, I explained what I wanted from her:
.
I then spent the day working in the yard. One of the men from the church joined me. He installed gutter guards, and we cleared about 100 square feet and I planted blackberry, raspberry, and blueberry bushes. I still have to finish spreading the mulch around them. I also used landscape fabric, so hopefully I won't have to do battle with weeds.
.
Daughter helped by putting things away when she got home. On the way to the game, I explained what I wanted from her:
- No begging for food or souvenirs
- No hanging on me
- No jealousy if I was having fun
- No asking to leave early
I told her we'd go do something fun following her psychiatrist's appointment Wednesday if she was cooperative. She was more than cooperative-- she had a great time. She really got into the game. I enjoyed visiting with alums. I didn't know any of them prior to last night, but it was a very pleasant evening.
Today, I'm meeting Sister and Short Niece at the local zoo. I should have time to finish spreading the mulch before I meet them. I also need to do a little bit of shopping today.
Daughter has decided we should go hiking tomorrow and she wants to take PB & J sandwiches. This is something we normally do on our camping vacations. She usually complains and tells me she hates hiking and hates PB & J. I'm delighted that I'll get to go hiking. Now I just have to decide where we'll go.
Monday, July 25, 2011
Honest Dishonesty
This morning Daughter had a huge backpack that was very full that she was taking with her to her program. I asked her what was in it. "Just music and art supplies." She rushed out the door.
.
It's early, so it took me a minute, but I figured it out and followed her out the door. "What are you taking to play the music?"
.
"My portable DVD player."
.
She is not allowed to take her portable DVD player to her program. She has taken too many things there and had them destroyed. The DVD player is basically for her to use at the church and on trips. We've had this conversation multiple times.
.
"Wrong! Bring it here."
.
She was quite unhappy that I made her take it out in front of me. "See, this is why I don't like to tell you things."
.
"Why, so you can break the rules?"
.
"Yes!" With that honest answer, she stormed out of the house. I am looking forward to 10 hours without her today. I have a man coming to help me in the yard. It will be a good day.
.
I think tonight I will begin inspecting the bags she intends to take with her to her program. For now, though, she's someone else's problem.
.
It's early, so it took me a minute, but I figured it out and followed her out the door. "What are you taking to play the music?"
.
"My portable DVD player."
.
She is not allowed to take her portable DVD player to her program. She has taken too many things there and had them destroyed. The DVD player is basically for her to use at the church and on trips. We've had this conversation multiple times.
.
"Wrong! Bring it here."
.
She was quite unhappy that I made her take it out in front of me. "See, this is why I don't like to tell you things."
.
"Why, so you can break the rules?"
.
"Yes!" With that honest answer, she stormed out of the house. I am looking forward to 10 hours without her today. I have a man coming to help me in the yard. It will be a good day.
.
I think tonight I will begin inspecting the bags she intends to take with her to her program. For now, though, she's someone else's problem.
Sunday, July 24, 2011
Worship
So we went to Short Niece's VBS program this morning. It was during the 9:00 worship service, and the service was short with not much content. It was nice to watch SN and the other kids, but when it was over I found myself long to stay for the later service. I mentioned this desire to Sister. She decided she wanted to go to it, too. She asked Daughter to come to it, and Daughter agreed.
.
The second service was exactly what I needed. The preacher was talking about wilderness times in our lives. He spoke to the pain in my heart. Daughter came out of the service crying. She was convicted when we were given silence in which to pray for "family and friends." I reminded her that the preacher talked about our failures leading to spiritual growth.
.
After a delicious lunch, we went back to Sister's house. Daughter and SN played on the wii, and Sister and I talked. Daughter promised me to turn it around. She has completed some of the work from yesterday. She's watching TV until 6:30, and the she'd going to come upstairs and clean up her bedroom. She trashed it yesterday while she was packing to move to Previous State. I have had the courage to ask her if that is still what she wants to do. For now, I'm just enjoying an easier afternoon. Tomorrow she will be back in her program, and I will still be on vacation. I'm going to work in the yard. Tuesday, Sister and Short Niece may come to do something fun.
.
The second service was exactly what I needed. The preacher was talking about wilderness times in our lives. He spoke to the pain in my heart. Daughter came out of the service crying. She was convicted when we were given silence in which to pray for "family and friends." I reminded her that the preacher talked about our failures leading to spiritual growth.
.
After a delicious lunch, we went back to Sister's house. Daughter and SN played on the wii, and Sister and I talked. Daughter promised me to turn it around. She has completed some of the work from yesterday. She's watching TV until 6:30, and the she'd going to come upstairs and clean up her bedroom. She trashed it yesterday while she was packing to move to Previous State. I have had the courage to ask her if that is still what she wants to do. For now, I'm just enjoying an easier afternoon. Tomorrow she will be back in her program, and I will still be on vacation. I'm going to work in the yard. Tuesday, Sister and Short Niece may come to do something fun.
Strength for Today
This morning I read a passage from Romans. Romans 12:12 spoke powerfully to me today: "Rejoice in hope, be patient in suffering, persevere in prayer."
.
Daughter is already up-- when you spend an entire day sleeping you don't need as much sleep at night. She has promised to make today a better day, and she is currently listening to Christian music, "My day goes better when I start by listening to my Christian music, Mom." I begin this new day rejoicing in the hope that Daughter will make it a better day. We are headed to church with Sister and Short Niece today. It is their Vacation Bible School program, so we will get to see Short Niece be a part of that. I'm glad that I'm off today so that we can do that.
.
Yesterday my patience was wearing thin. Hopefully my supply of patience will be refilled by a better day with Daughter and time with Sister and Short Niece. I know that it is only prayer that carries me through the hard days with Daughter. Interestingly, when I was writing the verse from memory I changed "prayer" to "love." It is prayer that enables me to continue to love Daughter.
.
Loving Daughter through the ups and downs of life has given me a greater understanding of God's love. If I can continue to love Daughter, in spite of all she puts me through, how much more does God love? I view my human love as an imperfect reflection of God's perfect love. That is also a source of hope for me today: God's love for Daughter and me.
.
I'm looking forward to a better day.
.
Daughter is already up-- when you spend an entire day sleeping you don't need as much sleep at night. She has promised to make today a better day, and she is currently listening to Christian music, "My day goes better when I start by listening to my Christian music, Mom." I begin this new day rejoicing in the hope that Daughter will make it a better day. We are headed to church with Sister and Short Niece today. It is their Vacation Bible School program, so we will get to see Short Niece be a part of that. I'm glad that I'm off today so that we can do that.
.
Yesterday my patience was wearing thin. Hopefully my supply of patience will be refilled by a better day with Daughter and time with Sister and Short Niece. I know that it is only prayer that carries me through the hard days with Daughter. Interestingly, when I was writing the verse from memory I changed "prayer" to "love." It is prayer that enables me to continue to love Daughter.
.
Loving Daughter through the ups and downs of life has given me a greater understanding of God's love. If I can continue to love Daughter, in spite of all she puts me through, how much more does God love? I view my human love as an imperfect reflection of God's perfect love. That is also a source of hope for me today: God's love for Daughter and me.
.
I'm looking forward to a better day.
Saturday, July 23, 2011
Daughter's Talent
Daughter said that she cleaned the bathroom and did all the trimming. Except the floor was still dirty, the toilet hadn't been cleaned, and she didn't trim along the fence or around the tree (I'm not sure where she did trim). When I pointed this out to her, she retreated to her bedroom, where she slept the rest of the day. It takes talent to sleep that much. She just came out, hungry.
.
I told her that if she'd vacuum two area rugs, I'd get her supper. She pulled out the vacuum and the area rugs. She managed to destroy them both. She didn't get either one clean, and she left dirt from the rugs all over the kitchen floor. It takes talent to make such a huge mess while supposedly cleaning. She retreated to her bedroom without asking for supper. She's in a surly mood, to say the least. She yelled at Kitten, "Stop glaring at me or I'll smack your butt!" This got me curious. "Does that work? If I smack your butt will you stop glaring at me?" I don't think she appreciated my question.
.
Right now my goal is to keep her alive until Tuesday. Tuesday she sees the psychiatrist. Maybe a medication adjustment will help. I hate seeing her this miserable, and there isn't anything I can do to fix this. She has decided that I am standing in the way of her achieving her goals. I am the enemy right now, and there's not much I can do that will change that. I said I wasn't going to let her drag me down. It isn't working.
.
Now I'm going to go warm up a hamburger for her. I'll give her that and a peach for supper. Of course she won't be grateful. She'll tell me I fixed it wrong or something. But after complaining, she'll eat it.
.
I told her that if she'd vacuum two area rugs, I'd get her supper. She pulled out the vacuum and the area rugs. She managed to destroy them both. She didn't get either one clean, and she left dirt from the rugs all over the kitchen floor. It takes talent to make such a huge mess while supposedly cleaning. She retreated to her bedroom without asking for supper. She's in a surly mood, to say the least. She yelled at Kitten, "Stop glaring at me or I'll smack your butt!" This got me curious. "Does that work? If I smack your butt will you stop glaring at me?" I don't think she appreciated my question.
.
Right now my goal is to keep her alive until Tuesday. Tuesday she sees the psychiatrist. Maybe a medication adjustment will help. I hate seeing her this miserable, and there isn't anything I can do to fix this. She has decided that I am standing in the way of her achieving her goals. I am the enemy right now, and there's not much I can do that will change that. I said I wasn't going to let her drag me down. It isn't working.
.
Now I'm going to go warm up a hamburger for her. I'll give her that and a peach for supper. Of course she won't be grateful. She'll tell me I fixed it wrong or something. But after complaining, she'll eat it.
Daughter's New Goal
At 10:17 this morning I finished mowing the front yard and came in to refill my water bottle. Daughter walked by carrying the clothes she planned to put on. I ignored her and got my water. She muttered about my unfair treatment of her and returned to her bedroom to get dressed.
.
At 10:40 I had finished half of the back yard and came in to get a baseball cap to hold up my hair and keep the sweat out of my eyes. She offered a cursory apology, and I explained that when she'd done some work, to let me know and I'd get her breakfast. She checked her blood sugar, which was very high, so I didn't worry about not feeding her right away.
.
It was 11:15 and I had finished mowing and done some weeding. I sat down in one of the chairs on the front porch to drink some more water and take a break. Daughter came out and joined me. She again apologized for being a turd. Then she informed me there was a reason she was treating me that way, but she couldn't tell me because I'd explode. I pointed out that I don't explode very often, and suggested she tell me the reason.
.
Yesterday when we were at the doctor's we were discussing some menstrual irregularities. We're going to monitor them for now, but Daughter freaked out that there might be a problem. She called me yesterday afternoon and told me all her hair down there had come out. I told her to relax, she'd be fine. When she got home, she informed me she had a "massive infection" and insisted come look at the missing hair. I quickly determined she had shaved. I again assured her she'd be fine.
.
So this morning she told me there was a reason she'd shaved. She has been exchanging instant messages on facebook with a Guy she knew in Previous State. She informed me their entire conversation was "about the S word." She intends to go back to Previous State and "ruin my life." I kid you not-- she won't even say the word, and she recognizes that moving in with this guy is not a good idea, but her goal is to "ruin my life."
.
I didn't explode, much to her disappointment. I asked her what she wanted me to say. She wants me to tell her she can't do it. I'm not going to do that. I'm also not going to allow her access to a computer. She assures me that Guy is doing great-- he's working in industry, living on his own, and paying all of his own bills. I asked if facebook was the only way she was communicating with him, and she explained that he lived in a part of Previous State where he couldn't get long distance phone service.
.
She did a little bit of work badly, and I gave her oatmeal and milk to eat. Now she's planning to walk to the library. I'm sure she thinks she can get on the computer and message him. She doesn't have a realistic plan for getting there-- she has $5, and she plans to buy a bus ticket and take the bus back. Of course, the bus doesn't stop within 30 miles of where he lives, and she has no idea where the bus station is here or what a ticket would cost. She's going to do lots of work to earn the money for the ticket, including cleaning around here and cleaning the homes of several church members. I wonder if she really thinks we'll give her the money to achieve her goal of "ruining my life."
.
It's going to be an interesting weekend, to say the least.
.
At 10:40 I had finished half of the back yard and came in to get a baseball cap to hold up my hair and keep the sweat out of my eyes. She offered a cursory apology, and I explained that when she'd done some work, to let me know and I'd get her breakfast. She checked her blood sugar, which was very high, so I didn't worry about not feeding her right away.
.
It was 11:15 and I had finished mowing and done some weeding. I sat down in one of the chairs on the front porch to drink some more water and take a break. Daughter came out and joined me. She again apologized for being a turd. Then she informed me there was a reason she was treating me that way, but she couldn't tell me because I'd explode. I pointed out that I don't explode very often, and suggested she tell me the reason.
.
Yesterday when we were at the doctor's we were discussing some menstrual irregularities. We're going to monitor them for now, but Daughter freaked out that there might be a problem. She called me yesterday afternoon and told me all her hair down there had come out. I told her to relax, she'd be fine. When she got home, she informed me she had a "massive infection" and insisted come look at the missing hair. I quickly determined she had shaved. I again assured her she'd be fine.
.
So this morning she told me there was a reason she'd shaved. She has been exchanging instant messages on facebook with a Guy she knew in Previous State. She informed me their entire conversation was "about the S word." She intends to go back to Previous State and "ruin my life." I kid you not-- she won't even say the word, and she recognizes that moving in with this guy is not a good idea, but her goal is to "ruin my life."
.
I didn't explode, much to her disappointment. I asked her what she wanted me to say. She wants me to tell her she can't do it. I'm not going to do that. I'm also not going to allow her access to a computer. She assures me that Guy is doing great-- he's working in industry, living on his own, and paying all of his own bills. I asked if facebook was the only way she was communicating with him, and she explained that he lived in a part of Previous State where he couldn't get long distance phone service.
.
She did a little bit of work badly, and I gave her oatmeal and milk to eat. Now she's planning to walk to the library. I'm sure she thinks she can get on the computer and message him. She doesn't have a realistic plan for getting there-- she has $5, and she plans to buy a bus ticket and take the bus back. Of course, the bus doesn't stop within 30 miles of where he lives, and she has no idea where the bus station is here or what a ticket would cost. She's going to do lots of work to earn the money for the ticket, including cleaning around here and cleaning the homes of several church members. I wonder if she really thinks we'll give her the money to achieve her goal of "ruining my life."
.
It's going to be an interesting weekend, to say the least.
Plan 7,354
I'm not going to allow Daughter to hold me hostage, so it's time for a new plan. I have secured all the food behind double locks, and also locked up all the knives and money. I have made the house as safe as I can for her to be here unsupervised. I am going to go out and work in the yard this morning. I'm not going to engage her. She's still in bed, and I'm not going to worry about when she gets up.
.
At some point today, I will get the things I need to make a bunch of pb&j sandwiches for the freezer. One of my frustrations is that she can quit, but I still have to provide for her: diabetes management, food, medication. Those frozen sandwiches will become her meals when she's being ugly. They won't require work or thought from me, which will help with my resentment level.
.
Her computer and the TV remotes will also be locked up. She can sit in the house feeling sorry for herself, or she can do some work around here to earn back some privileges. It will be her choice. I'm going to work very hard at not engaging. She will either wake up this morning feeling guilty and go into suck up mode with me, or she'll wake up resentful and escalate things. I'm going to work hard at not engaging, whatever she does. I'm going to do the things that feed me.
.
At some point today, I will get the things I need to make a bunch of pb&j sandwiches for the freezer. One of my frustrations is that she can quit, but I still have to provide for her: diabetes management, food, medication. Those frozen sandwiches will become her meals when she's being ugly. They won't require work or thought from me, which will help with my resentment level.
.
Her computer and the TV remotes will also be locked up. She can sit in the house feeling sorry for herself, or she can do some work around here to earn back some privileges. It will be her choice. I'm going to work very hard at not engaging. She will either wake up this morning feeling guilty and go into suck up mode with me, or she'll wake up resentful and escalate things. I'm going to work hard at not engaging, whatever she does. I'm going to do the things that feed me.
Friday, July 22, 2011
Realization
Yesterday Sister Best Friend invited us to join her church at an event here in Capital. It would have been fun. I declined, though, because I knew that Daughter would complain and make me miserable.
.
I decided I wanted to go to the place that is supposed to have the best pizza in the area tonight. I negotiated with Daughter, telling her I'd take her out if she promised not to argue with me about the order. I told her we wouldn't go if she was going to argue. So she promised. She didn't argue about the pizza I ordered, though she said it would have been better with mushrooms (I didn't order the one I really wanted, because it had mushrooms and I didn't want to listen to her complain about the mushrooms which she has always claimed to hate). She did argue about how many pieces she could eat. Then she excused herself to go the restroom. I sat waiting for her return and wondering what was keeping her so long.
.
I want to do something fun tomorrow, but I can't think of anything we could do that Daughter wouldn't sabotage. This is no way to live.
.
I decided I wanted to go to the place that is supposed to have the best pizza in the area tonight. I negotiated with Daughter, telling her I'd take her out if she promised not to argue with me about the order. I told her we wouldn't go if she was going to argue. So she promised. She didn't argue about the pizza I ordered, though she said it would have been better with mushrooms (I didn't order the one I really wanted, because it had mushrooms and I didn't want to listen to her complain about the mushrooms which she has always claimed to hate). She did argue about how many pieces she could eat. Then she excused herself to go the restroom. I sat waiting for her return and wondering what was keeping her so long.
.
I want to do something fun tomorrow, but I can't think of anything we could do that Daughter wouldn't sabotage. This is no way to live.
A Conversation
Today I took Daughter to the doctor for her 3 month check-up. Her blood sugar control is better, her weight is down, and her kidney function is down. (I'm trying to celebrate 2 out of 3.)
.
We had an interesting conversation in the car. She has continued to tell me she's not ready to be responsible, and that's why she's getting into food. So I asked her if she thought that if she wasn't responsible, that would mean she could stay with me longer because she couldn't move out while she wasn't being responsible.
.
She wasn't happy at being figured out. I tried to explain to her that the stress her irresponsibility was putting on me was going to result in her moving out sooner, not later. I also told her that if she couldn't be responsible, she'd have fewer options and might not end up in the place she'd like to be. She told me several times how scared she is. I told her if she wanted to stay with me, she'd best start showing more responsibility.
.
She apologized, telling me she didn't mean to be hard on me. Does she understand? Maybe, for the moment. Will the conversation stop the behavior? Doubtful.
.
The heat has made me cranky. It's hard to be hopeful when your cranky. It's not just the heat making me cranky: her medical assistance plan won't cover insulin pens for anyone who isn't legally blind. The doctor's office is going to try to convince them that because she has multiple people dealing with her insulin that the pen provides for more accurate dosages, but I'm not optimistic.
.
We had an interesting conversation in the car. She has continued to tell me she's not ready to be responsible, and that's why she's getting into food. So I asked her if she thought that if she wasn't responsible, that would mean she could stay with me longer because she couldn't move out while she wasn't being responsible.
.
She wasn't happy at being figured out. I tried to explain to her that the stress her irresponsibility was putting on me was going to result in her moving out sooner, not later. I also told her that if she couldn't be responsible, she'd have fewer options and might not end up in the place she'd like to be. She told me several times how scared she is. I told her if she wanted to stay with me, she'd best start showing more responsibility.
.
She apologized, telling me she didn't mean to be hard on me. Does she understand? Maybe, for the moment. Will the conversation stop the behavior? Doubtful.
.
The heat has made me cranky. It's hard to be hopeful when your cranky. It's not just the heat making me cranky: her medical assistance plan won't cover insulin pens for anyone who isn't legally blind. The doctor's office is going to try to convince them that because she has multiple people dealing with her insulin that the pen provides for more accurate dosages, but I'm not optimistic.
Thursday, July 21, 2011
Over 2 Hours
I spent over 2 hours filling pill boxes this morning. I filled 4 weeks for Daughter and 8 weeks for me. All the medications had been sitting on the kitchen table, so getting them put away felt good. Of course, I then went to see my nurse practitioner, who changed a couple of my meds, but that's taken care of, too.
.
Once again when I went to the pharmacy to pick up Daughter's meds yesterday, there were problems. They forgot to bill her secondary on two of them. Her insurance company is still refusing to cover one, even though her doctor called to get prior authorization. I'm so tired of dealing with them. She has an appointment with her doctor tomorrow, so I'm going to let them deal with it.
.
My sister has yet to sign and return the forms accepting her role as back-up guardian for Daughter. I think she's having second thoughts. As I consider the time I spend fighting for Daughter's rights, I can understand why she doesn't want to take it on. Both of my sisters are afraid of Daughter. It breaks my heart to think that when I die, Daughter will have a public guardian, because there won't be a family member willing to take it on.
.
This has been a rough week. I hope that the time I spent filling pill boxes this morning will help me get back on track. I hope.
.
Once again when I went to the pharmacy to pick up Daughter's meds yesterday, there were problems. They forgot to bill her secondary on two of them. Her insurance company is still refusing to cover one, even though her doctor called to get prior authorization. I'm so tired of dealing with them. She has an appointment with her doctor tomorrow, so I'm going to let them deal with it.
.
My sister has yet to sign and return the forms accepting her role as back-up guardian for Daughter. I think she's having second thoughts. As I consider the time I spend fighting for Daughter's rights, I can understand why she doesn't want to take it on. Both of my sisters are afraid of Daughter. It breaks my heart to think that when I die, Daughter will have a public guardian, because there won't be a family member willing to take it on.
.
This has been a rough week. I hope that the time I spent filling pill boxes this morning will help me get back on track. I hope.
Getting It
I had an email exchange with Daughter's Case Manager yesterday. She wanted an update on how things were going. I told her Daughter was back to sneaking food. She suggested she set up an appointment with the nutritionist on staff to explain to Daughter her nutrition needs. It's a good thing it was a email exchange, because it meant she didn't see my reaction to her suggestion. I was measured in my response, explaining that Daughter understood what she was doing and the danger in it. She understands her nutritional needs. This isn't about the food, it's about manipulation. I had to pick her up from her program yesterday because she was having one of those lows that doesn't respond to treatment as the bus was coming to get her. Her Program Manager and I are convinced that she did something to cause it, but we have no idea what or how, and she's not going to tell us. I sent snacks today. They are to feed her at 3:00, which should eliminate mysterious lows that require me to go pick her up--at least until she comes up with another way to manipulate her blood sugar. I'm glad that Program Manager gets it. Hopefully Case Manager will get it eventually.
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
Taking Responsibility
Yesterday Daughter's counselor gave her a work sheet on taking responsibility for one's actions. I glanced at it, and it's about being an adult and not blaming others for things you do. Some of the hypothetical situations involve housemates.
.
Daughter was subdued when we left. We went out to eat and then to the warehouse store. As we headed home she told me she wanted to talk. I turned off the radio to listen. She has decided that she will work hard and save so that she can live completely on her own. She doesn't want to have to live with anyone else.
.
I won't get into all the problems with that idea, from finances to safety around food. What was disturbing, though, was her characterization of some of the people in her program as not being human. It was a very discouraging conversation. I asked her if it had to do with the worksheet, and she acknowledged it did. She went on to say that she wasn't ready to be responsible. Sigh.
.
Daughter was subdued when we left. We went out to eat and then to the warehouse store. As we headed home she told me she wanted to talk. I turned off the radio to listen. She has decided that she will work hard and save so that she can live completely on her own. She doesn't want to have to live with anyone else.
.
I won't get into all the problems with that idea, from finances to safety around food. What was disturbing, though, was her characterization of some of the people in her program as not being human. It was a very discouraging conversation. I asked her if it had to do with the worksheet, and she acknowledged it did. She went on to say that she wasn't ready to be responsible. Sigh.
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
Vacation and Health
I am now officially on vacation. Yesterday I caught up on all the laundry and went shopping. I also had more blood work done in preparation for my appointment Thursday. I should come out of that appointment with a referral to a rheumatologist. I bought some fruit bushes for the backyard, but haven't done anything with them yet. It is very hot here, just like it is in much of the country this week. I got very good prices on them, buying this late in the season. I also had to go to 3 different stores to find what I was looking for.
.
Perhaps my biggest goal for this week is to do some reflecting and set some priorities for my work going forward. I need to work more efficiently so that I'm working fewer hours and getting more done. I don't want to give up chat time with people who stop by the church. From some conversations I had last week, I know that the congregation loves being able to stop in and chat. They could do that with the founding pastor, but not with those who followed him.
.
As I've pondered my health issues, I've decided that they are a clear message that I need to take better care of myself. I have found comfort in the thought that God called me to this place and will help me fulfill that calling. The health issues are a reminder that I need to be a good steward of my body. Sometimes I'm a slow learner.
.
Perhaps my biggest goal for this week is to do some reflecting and set some priorities for my work going forward. I need to work more efficiently so that I'm working fewer hours and getting more done. I don't want to give up chat time with people who stop by the church. From some conversations I had last week, I know that the congregation loves being able to stop in and chat. They could do that with the founding pastor, but not with those who followed him.
.
As I've pondered my health issues, I've decided that they are a clear message that I need to take better care of myself. I have found comfort in the thought that God called me to this place and will help me fulfill that calling. The health issues are a reminder that I need to be a good steward of my body. Sometimes I'm a slow learner.
Monday, July 18, 2011
The First Day Back
Daughter was calling me by 9:00 this morning, sobbing and begging me to come get her. Nine new people began while she was gone, and she was having a hard time adjusting. That's not what she told me, but that was the program manager's explanation in a series of text messages. I told Daughter that the first day back is always hard and I had confidence in her ability to cope. I told her I'd see her this evening. I then went out for a blood draw and to the store. She called the house multiple times while I was gone, but didn't call my cell.
.
I had considered keeping her home tomorrow because she has two appointments. Instead, I'm going to drop her off after the first appointment and pick her up before the second. I don't want her to have to suffer through the first day back twice this week! Change is hard for Daughter. Hopefully the rest of the week will be easier for her.
.
I had considered keeping her home tomorrow because she has two appointments. Instead, I'm going to drop her off after the first appointment and pick her up before the second. I don't want her to have to suffer through the first day back twice this week! Change is hard for Daughter. Hopefully the rest of the week will be easier for her.
Slip and Slide
Friday night one of the youth groups at the community center with us set up a long sheet of plastic on a hill. They added a hose and dish soap, and they had a water slide. Daughter put on some old shorts and a t-shirt and joined them. The rest of our group had seats above the slide at picnic tables. We chanted Daughter's name and did the wave for her. On her first trip down, a girl followed too quickly and ran into Daughter. We watched as she decided if she was injured or not. We could tell she was okay, but were doing commentary on the situation.
.
"She's trying to decide how much sympathy she'll get."
.
"She's decided there's no sympathy there, she's headed up the hill."
.
"Oh, no-- some of the girls are offering her sympathy."
.
"Look,she has an audience, she's crying."
.
As three girls huddled around her as she sat on the ground crying, someone in our group started us chanting her name. It worked. She stopped crying, got up, and got in line to go down the hill again.
.
The people in our group saw some of her tricks, and they understand. One night we were going to go out for ice cream right after supper. She wanted cake and ice cream at supper, and protested when I told her she needed to wait for the trip to the ice cream parlor. Finally I said, "You can have cake and ice cream now, or you can have ice cream at the ice cream parlor. I don't care which you choose, it's up to you." She then pouted because I was giving her an option. She chose to wait for the parlour, and refused to admit she'd made the right decision later.
The group watched my interactions with Daughter. They saw her mood swings. They saw the challenges. They get it. It's a wonderful gift to have them understand the challenges and support me. She really did do very well. It was her third week away from home and out of her routine. Two of those weeks were for new things. She really did handle it well.
.
She's off to her program today. I'm home alone. I'm going to be doing some work around the house today, but first, I may go back to bed.
.
"She's trying to decide how much sympathy she'll get."
.
"She's decided there's no sympathy there, she's headed up the hill."
.
"Oh, no-- some of the girls are offering her sympathy."
.
"Look,she has an audience, she's crying."
.
As three girls huddled around her as she sat on the ground crying, someone in our group started us chanting her name. It worked. She stopped crying, got up, and got in line to go down the hill again.
.
The people in our group saw some of her tricks, and they understand. One night we were going to go out for ice cream right after supper. She wanted cake and ice cream at supper, and protested when I told her she needed to wait for the trip to the ice cream parlor. Finally I said, "You can have cake and ice cream now, or you can have ice cream at the ice cream parlor. I don't care which you choose, it's up to you." She then pouted because I was giving her an option. She chose to wait for the parlour, and refused to admit she'd made the right decision later.
The group watched my interactions with Daughter. They saw her mood swings. They saw the challenges. They get it. It's a wonderful gift to have them understand the challenges and support me. She really did do very well. It was her third week away from home and out of her routine. Two of those weeks were for new things. She really did handle it well.
.
She's off to her program today. I'm home alone. I'm going to be doing some work around the house today, but first, I may go back to bed.
Sunday, July 17, 2011
Yup, We're Back to Normal
Today I took Daughter to see a movie. Normally I don't buy snacks at the movie, but today I bought a medium tub of popcorn, which pleased Daughter. We then went to the grocery store, and she asked me to buy her some apple straws to try. I did. When we got home, she wanted to eat some. I measured out an ounce and gave her insulin.
.
We went to get Kitten. When we got home, she wanted more apple straws. I suggested she have a plum instead. So she did. I went out and lit the grill to prepare hamburgers for supper. She asked for another plum. I told her she could have another. I went outside to cook the hamburgers. When I came in, Daughter was missing. The refrigerator door was unlocked. Sigh.
.
"Daughter, come here and bring the food with you."
.
Silence.
.
"Daughter, come and bring the food."
.
"Yes, Mom." She came out carrying bag of vanilla ice cream cups.
.
"How many did you eat?"
.
"Just one."
.
"Wrong. More than one is missing. Go get them and bring them here."
.
"They're gone."
.
"I know that. Bring me the empty cups."
.
She came back carrying a spoon and two empty cups.
.
"Throw out the cups and put the spoon in the dishwasher. I'm sorry I didn't keep you safe."
.
"It's not your fault! You don't understand how stressed I am!"
.
"How did that work for you?"
.
Silence.
.
She tried to insist she would starve herself to death as punishment and therefore she didn't want a hamburger. I told her she'd eat a hamburger, but there wouldn't be any chips with it, as she'd had all her carbs.
.
I never raised my voice. She isn't being deprived of food. In fact, today she had a number of special treats. I'm not mad. Just very sad, and tired.
.
We went to get Kitten. When we got home, she wanted more apple straws. I suggested she have a plum instead. So she did. I went out and lit the grill to prepare hamburgers for supper. She asked for another plum. I told her she could have another. I went outside to cook the hamburgers. When I came in, Daughter was missing. The refrigerator door was unlocked. Sigh.
.
"Daughter, come here and bring the food with you."
.
Silence.
.
"Daughter, come and bring the food."
.
"Yes, Mom." She came out carrying bag of vanilla ice cream cups.
.
"How many did you eat?"
.
"Just one."
.
"Wrong. More than one is missing. Go get them and bring them here."
.
"They're gone."
.
"I know that. Bring me the empty cups."
.
She came back carrying a spoon and two empty cups.
.
"Throw out the cups and put the spoon in the dishwasher. I'm sorry I didn't keep you safe."
.
"It's not your fault! You don't understand how stressed I am!"
.
"How did that work for you?"
.
Silence.
.
She tried to insist she would starve herself to death as punishment and therefore she didn't want a hamburger. I told her she'd eat a hamburger, but there wouldn't be any chips with it, as she'd had all her carbs.
.
I never raised my voice. She isn't being deprived of food. In fact, today she had a number of special treats. I'm not mad. Just very sad, and tired.
Back to Civilization
It's nice to be home after a week in Appalachia. There were 12 of us from the church who went on this mission trip-- our average age was 56, so Daughter was the youngest by quite a bit. There were 7 men and 5 women. We stayed at a community center that hosts mission trips all summer. We had a modified double wide. There were 2 large and 1 small sleeping rooms (with a total of 14 sets of bunk beds), 4 toilets, and 3 showers. We ate breakfast and supper at the main building, and made sack lunches to take to our work sites. We had 3 work sites: the director's office and two trailers further into the mountains.
.
Monday we all headed into the mountains to the trailers of two sisters. They had beautiful locations for their trailers. On one we did some repairs and painted two porches. The second site involved putting a roof on one porch and building a second porch. The women spent Monday priming those two porches. Daughter and I worked on opposite porches. She worked hard and kept at it all day. It was very hot that day. I stopped and sat down in the shade about 2:30, but Daughter kept at it. It helped that she wasn't working near me. She loved painting.
.
Tuesday Daughter and I were alone painting the director's office. That did not go as well. We didn't get the paint until noon, which was frustrating, and his office was a disaster area, which was even more frustrating. We spent much of the day cleaning in there. He had lots of cupboards full of lots of forgotten junk, dating back several directors. We found 4 VCR's in them (they all ended up in the thrift shop). I managed to get a first coat on part of the office. Wednesday one of the women stayed back to work with us, and we managed to get it completed, with two coats on everything.
.
Overall, Daughter did well. She did have her moments, though, and the group saw first hand some of the challenges she presents. She wet the bed two nights. Her sleeping bag did not fit in the available washing machine, so she ended up having to hang it on the porch to dry. The group was very supportive. We began hiding the food after she was caught getting into it. If she wouldn't get up for me, they would tell her it was time to get up. They were telling her about George Washington's wooden teeth, and we used the story to encourage her to brush hers (which worked a couple of times).
.
They asked her to make a thank you card for the staff member who helped us, making sure we had the supplies we needed. She did a beautiful job. She hung out with a youth group that was there a couple of nights (one of the advisers was the son of some of our people). She is exhausted, and hasn't gotten up yet this morning. I think I'll just let her sleep, even though that means we will miss going to worship. She's fighting a cold, and has a cough. With camp, she's been away from home for 3 straight weeks. It's no wonder she's tired. I slept in, too. We were up by 6:00 a.m. every day, and yesterday we were up even earlier so we could be on the road by 6:00. It took just over 12 hours to get home with stops.
.
It's good to be home. Very good to be home. I am off for the next two weeks. I think I will spend them working around the house and going to appointments. I'm looking forward to making some changes to our back yard. The split rail fence is already gone, and a couple in the church also did some weeding while we were gone. I'm looking forward to getting out there and getting to work. Since it's supposed to be very hot all week, I'm going to have to make the most of the cooler morning hours. Fortunately the house is air conditioned, and there's also lots of work to be done inside. I'll share more details about our travels later.
.
Monday we all headed into the mountains to the trailers of two sisters. They had beautiful locations for their trailers. On one we did some repairs and painted two porches. The second site involved putting a roof on one porch and building a second porch. The women spent Monday priming those two porches. Daughter and I worked on opposite porches. She worked hard and kept at it all day. It was very hot that day. I stopped and sat down in the shade about 2:30, but Daughter kept at it. It helped that she wasn't working near me. She loved painting.
.
Tuesday Daughter and I were alone painting the director's office. That did not go as well. We didn't get the paint until noon, which was frustrating, and his office was a disaster area, which was even more frustrating. We spent much of the day cleaning in there. He had lots of cupboards full of lots of forgotten junk, dating back several directors. We found 4 VCR's in them (they all ended up in the thrift shop). I managed to get a first coat on part of the office. Wednesday one of the women stayed back to work with us, and we managed to get it completed, with two coats on everything.
.
Overall, Daughter did well. She did have her moments, though, and the group saw first hand some of the challenges she presents. She wet the bed two nights. Her sleeping bag did not fit in the available washing machine, so she ended up having to hang it on the porch to dry. The group was very supportive. We began hiding the food after she was caught getting into it. If she wouldn't get up for me, they would tell her it was time to get up. They were telling her about George Washington's wooden teeth, and we used the story to encourage her to brush hers (which worked a couple of times).
.
They asked her to make a thank you card for the staff member who helped us, making sure we had the supplies we needed. She did a beautiful job. She hung out with a youth group that was there a couple of nights (one of the advisers was the son of some of our people). She is exhausted, and hasn't gotten up yet this morning. I think I'll just let her sleep, even though that means we will miss going to worship. She's fighting a cold, and has a cough. With camp, she's been away from home for 3 straight weeks. It's no wonder she's tired. I slept in, too. We were up by 6:00 a.m. every day, and yesterday we were up even earlier so we could be on the road by 6:00. It took just over 12 hours to get home with stops.
.
It's good to be home. Very good to be home. I am off for the next two weeks. I think I will spend them working around the house and going to appointments. I'm looking forward to making some changes to our back yard. The split rail fence is already gone, and a couple in the church also did some weeding while we were gone. I'm looking forward to getting out there and getting to work. Since it's supposed to be very hot all week, I'm going to have to make the most of the cooler morning hours. Fortunately the house is air conditioned, and there's also lots of work to be done inside. I'll share more details about our travels later.
Saturday, July 16, 2011
Home Again
We are home from our mission trip. It went well. There is much to write, but it will have to wait. I'm exhausted.
Friday, July 8, 2011
Home!
We're home, though it will be for less than 24 hours. I've got the last load of laundry in the washing machine now. We stopped by the church so I could put the books I took with me for my class away. Administrative Assistant said it had been a busy week-- even without me there to make extra work.
.
I stopped by the post office to pick up my mail. It's due to be delivered next Saturday, but I thought if the order had arrived from the doctor, I would go get the additional blood work done today. It wasn't there, but my lab results were. I've spent much of the afternoon researching progressive sys.temic scler.osis, as the lab results were consistent with that diagnosis. My reading was not particularly encouraging, especially since I've had many of the symptoms that are listed.
.
I considered backing out of the mission trip, but decided I didn't want to deal with the anxiety that would create in those who are going and especially in Daughter. She's asked me several times today if I'm feeling okay. I keep telling her I'm fine.
.
Once the laundry is finished, we'll have to repack for the mission trip. I'm really wondering how much I'll be able to do. My hands are hurting quite a bit, especially when I use them in any way that puts pressure on my fingers, like squeezing the clips on hangers.
.
I need to remember that God called me to the right place at the right time, and that plan doesn't include me not being healthy enough to carry out the ministry that has been entrusted to my care.
.
I stopped by the post office to pick up my mail. It's due to be delivered next Saturday, but I thought if the order had arrived from the doctor, I would go get the additional blood work done today. It wasn't there, but my lab results were. I've spent much of the afternoon researching progressive sys.temic scler.osis, as the lab results were consistent with that diagnosis. My reading was not particularly encouraging, especially since I've had many of the symptoms that are listed.
.
I considered backing out of the mission trip, but decided I didn't want to deal with the anxiety that would create in those who are going and especially in Daughter. She's asked me several times today if I'm feeling okay. I keep telling her I'm fine.
.
Once the laundry is finished, we'll have to repack for the mission trip. I'm really wondering how much I'll be able to do. My hands are hurting quite a bit, especially when I use them in any way that puts pressure on my fingers, like squeezing the clips on hangers.
.
I need to remember that God called me to the right place at the right time, and that plan doesn't include me not being healthy enough to carry out the ministry that has been entrusted to my care.
Thursday, July 7, 2011
A Bump in the Road
It's hard to believe I haven't posted in several days. The conference is going well. Daughter has managed to be dry every night, and has handled most of it very well. I've enjoyed the class I'm teaching and the class I'm taking. I've enjoyed reconnecting with old friends and sitting in worship.
.
I have been tired this week, and am a little concerned about how I'll keep up during next week's mission trip. I received a message on my home phone yesterday-- I flunked my blood work last week. I need to go in for more blood work when I get home. Of course, knowing the results of my blood work has just made me more aware of how tired and weak I feel, and increased my concerns about next week's mission trip.
.
My biggest concern about the health issues is that I'll have to slow down. I have so many plans for the fall, I don't want to have to slow down. Hopefully when I return to my doctor and get an appointment with a specialist, I will find out that this is just a small bump in the road and minor adjustments will be enough.
.
I have been tired this week, and am a little concerned about how I'll keep up during next week's mission trip. I received a message on my home phone yesterday-- I flunked my blood work last week. I need to go in for more blood work when I get home. Of course, knowing the results of my blood work has just made me more aware of how tired and weak I feel, and increased my concerns about next week's mission trip.
.
My biggest concern about the health issues is that I'll have to slow down. I have so many plans for the fall, I don't want to have to slow down. Hopefully when I return to my doctor and get an appointment with a specialist, I will find out that this is just a small bump in the road and minor adjustments will be enough.
Monday, July 4, 2011
Toddler Check-ins
I remember in a psychology class in college reading about how toddlers will venture out and explore, never getting to far from their mothers. Every so often, they just have to go back to their moms for some reassurance, and after they touch base with mom, they'll go back out and explore again.
.
Daughter was doing that all day today. I left the room before she was dressed to attend morning prayer. She joined me there, and then we went to breakfast together. After breakfast we went up to worship, where she sat in front of me. She went off to her class and I went to mine. After about 75 minutes, I got a text that she wanted to join me, it wasn't working helping with the kids. My response was, "Make it work. I know you can."
.
A few minutes later, she appeared at my classroom door. The class was full, and I was not encouraging. One of the men was getting her a chair and she turned around and vanished. We ate lunch together, and then she came back to the room and napped. I was sitting outside with some friends chatting. Several times she'd appear and come behind me to hug me and put her head on my shoulder. She made several attempts to pull me away from the conversations, and when that didn't work, she'd disappear to go do something else.
.
The pattern continued into the evening. She'd come to check in, seeking a hug and reassurance, and then go off to join others. I was reminded of those toddlers in that ancient psychology book. In many ways, she still functions at the age she was at the time of the trauma: two years old.
.
She went to bed early tonight, exhausted from the activities of the day. It has been a good day, and I'm headed to bed soon, too.
.
Daughter was doing that all day today. I left the room before she was dressed to attend morning prayer. She joined me there, and then we went to breakfast together. After breakfast we went up to worship, where she sat in front of me. She went off to her class and I went to mine. After about 75 minutes, I got a text that she wanted to join me, it wasn't working helping with the kids. My response was, "Make it work. I know you can."
.
A few minutes later, she appeared at my classroom door. The class was full, and I was not encouraging. One of the men was getting her a chair and she turned around and vanished. We ate lunch together, and then she came back to the room and napped. I was sitting outside with some friends chatting. Several times she'd appear and come behind me to hug me and put her head on my shoulder. She made several attempts to pull me away from the conversations, and when that didn't work, she'd disappear to go do something else.
.
The pattern continued into the evening. She'd come to check in, seeking a hug and reassurance, and then go off to join others. I was reminded of those toddlers in that ancient psychology book. In many ways, she still functions at the age she was at the time of the trauma: two years old.
.
She went to bed early tonight, exhausted from the activities of the day. It has been a good day, and I'm headed to bed soon, too.
Worship
Yesterday evening I sat with friends to eat a meal that required no preparation or clean up on my part. Daughter even bussed the table for all of us. Then I sat in worship, again with no responsibility for leading it. It was wonderful. Of course, I came back to our room and had to prepare the lesson for my class today, but that was okay. I enjoyed putting it together. Daughter was in bed at 9:00. She's dry this morning. I will head to morning prayer in a little while, and then breakfast and class. Have I mentioned recently how much I love coming to this conference?
Sunday, July 3, 2011
Endings and Beginnings
I ran across this article this morning. It explains many of Daughter's challenges. I think I need to print it out and show it to some people who blame my parenting for her issues.
.
I picked Daughter up from camp today. I'm not sure how it went. One minute she was talking about how great it was and how she befriended a younger girl who wouldn't talk, and the next minute she was telling me that she needed lots of comforting because she spent the entire week crying her eyes out. It sounds like she didn't participate in several of the outings. She said she chose not to go because they'd be getting back too late (after midnight). I'll have to check on the real story later. I do have sources (and not just the camp director-- a colleague was there as chaplain).
.
On the way to our conference she proudly told me that she'd gone poop daily-- no trouble with constipation. We got here and she promptly clogged the toilet in our room. She asked for some of her mira-lax. Fortunately, I had packed it. The young man who is contact person for our group has now plunged the toilet twice, without success. He'll put in a maintenance request for tomorrow. For tonight, we'll walk down the hall to the public restrooms in the lobby.
.
I'm delighted to be back in my favorite community. It was during our time here last year that I got the call from Capital asking to come see me in my natural habitat. Now I need to go finish my lesson for tomorrow morning.
.
I picked Daughter up from camp today. I'm not sure how it went. One minute she was talking about how great it was and how she befriended a younger girl who wouldn't talk, and the next minute she was telling me that she needed lots of comforting because she spent the entire week crying her eyes out. It sounds like she didn't participate in several of the outings. She said she chose not to go because they'd be getting back too late (after midnight). I'll have to check on the real story later. I do have sources (and not just the camp director-- a colleague was there as chaplain).
.
On the way to our conference she proudly told me that she'd gone poop daily-- no trouble with constipation. We got here and she promptly clogged the toilet in our room. She asked for some of her mira-lax. Fortunately, I had packed it. The young man who is contact person for our group has now plunged the toilet twice, without success. He'll put in a maintenance request for tomorrow. For tonight, we'll walk down the hall to the public restrooms in the lobby.
.
I'm delighted to be back in my favorite community. It was during our time here last year that I got the call from Capital asking to come see me in my natural habitat. Now I need to go finish my lesson for tomorrow morning.
Five Sundays
I preach this morning, and then I don't have to preach for five Sundays. I'm off for four, and the fifth we're having a cooperative service in the park with 3 other area churches.
.
I love preaching. I love the challenge of finding new ways to proclaim the unchanging truth about God. I love it, and I'm ready for a break. I'm ready to go sit and listen to someone else preach.
.
One of the Sundays I'm off we'll probably go see Short Niece's Vacation Bible School program. That will be fun. One Sunday I plan to walk a 5k in the morning and then go to an ordination in the afternoon. One Sunday I'll be on a mission trip, and we'll go to church near there. I think I'll have one Sunday here in town to visit a sister church. We will have worship every night at the conference we're attending. I always enjoy those worship services.
.
When I preach again on August 14, I should be refreshed and ready for another year of proclaiming God's Word. I'm looking forward to getting back into the routine as much as I'm looking forward to this break. I love being pastor to this congregation. This time away will refresh and renew me to be more effective in it.
.
I love preaching. I love the challenge of finding new ways to proclaim the unchanging truth about God. I love it, and I'm ready for a break. I'm ready to go sit and listen to someone else preach.
.
One of the Sundays I'm off we'll probably go see Short Niece's Vacation Bible School program. That will be fun. One Sunday I plan to walk a 5k in the morning and then go to an ordination in the afternoon. One Sunday I'll be on a mission trip, and we'll go to church near there. I think I'll have one Sunday here in town to visit a sister church. We will have worship every night at the conference we're attending. I always enjoy those worship services.
.
When I preach again on August 14, I should be refreshed and ready for another year of proclaiming God's Word. I'm looking forward to getting back into the routine as much as I'm looking forward to this break. I love being pastor to this congregation. This time away will refresh and renew me to be more effective in it.
Saturday, July 2, 2011
Very
It was very hot today. My grass is very long. I leave town tomorrow right after worship. It took me a very long time to get the lawn mowed. I kept stopping to come in and get something to drink and cool off. I'm very relieved to have it done.
Difficult Choices
Tomorrow after worship I head to a conference where I will be teaching a class. This morning I talked to the daughter of the woman who had heart surgery on Monday. Her mom is not doing well. They're beginning to talk about at what point they remove her from life support. The daughter was talking about what they'd want for a funeral. I have colleagues who are on call for funerals while I'm gone, but it is hard to know that I may not be here for this death. The woman was quite chipper on Monday prior to surgery. She was looking forward to feeling better. We didn't discuss the possibility that her healing might come through death.
.
I find myself sitting here pondering if I could work it out to come back for the funeral. I'll be less than 2 hours away. Of course, once I set that precedent, I face the possibility of every trip I make being disrupted by emergencies at the church. I also have committed to teaching a class at this conference, and so I need to fulfill that responsibility. I need a break, and taking that break means I will miss things. That's hard.
.
I find myself sitting here pondering if I could work it out to come back for the funeral. I'll be less than 2 hours away. Of course, once I set that precedent, I face the possibility of every trip I make being disrupted by emergencies at the church. I also have committed to teaching a class at this conference, and so I need to fulfill that responsibility. I need a break, and taking that break means I will miss things. That's hard.
Friday, July 1, 2011
The Final Push
I was in the office today, even though Friday is my day off. I got a few things done, but not as much as I would have liked. My body was protesting working on my day off. I got some things done on the Bible study I'm leading at the conference. I cleared off my desk. I came up with some more newsletter articles to write when I get back. I added a couple of additional jobs for Administrative Assistant in July-- which should be a slower month for her. I suggested she make a list of the things volunteers could do in the office-- she's going to have more work to do, so any tasks she can turn over to a volunteer will ease her stress (and my guilt for asking more of her.)
.
I haven't heard from the camp since the blood sugar scare on Wednesday, so that's good. It will be a busy couple of days as I get ready to head out. Daughter is helpful when we're getting ready to travel, so it will be weird to do it all without her.
.
.
I haven't heard from the camp since the blood sugar scare on Wednesday, so that's good. It will be a busy couple of days as I get ready to head out. Daughter is helpful when we're getting ready to travel, so it will be weird to do it all without her.
.
Fireworks
Yesterday I journeyed to Big City to join Sister and Short Niece for a concert and fireworks. The weather was beautiful, and it was a pleasant evening. The only challenge was staying awake for the 90 minute drive each way. I resorted to caffeine, which meant that I had difficulty falling asleep when I got home sometime after 1:00 this morning. It was after 2:30 before I finally fell asleep.
.
There were some fireworks here at the church while I was gone, apparently. We are planning a community garden. There are a few people who don't want it visible from the front of the church. The location they want us to use does not get adequate sunlight. I think having the community garden along the edge (clearing brush to make space for it) is a good idea. A community garden is something to be proud of, not something to hide. The good news is that people support the idea of a community garden, the issue is location. We'll figure it out.
.
There were some fireworks here at the church while I was gone, apparently. We are planning a community garden. There are a few people who don't want it visible from the front of the church. The location they want us to use does not get adequate sunlight. I think having the community garden along the edge (clearing brush to make space for it) is a good idea. A community garden is something to be proud of, not something to hide. The good news is that people support the idea of a community garden, the issue is location. We'll figure it out.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)