A Trip Down Memory Lane

Daughter just came running out of her bedroom, shaking in terror. She's convinced someone is outside her bedroom and getting ready to come in the patio door. We checked to make sure the patio door is securely locked, but she wanted to sleep in my bed. I told her it's too hot. She insisted she doesn't feel safe in her bedroom. I told her she could sleep on my bedroom floor. For years she slept on my bedroom floor because she was afraid in her bedroom.
.
She insists she can't sleep until I go to bed an am next to her. I gave her one of her sleeping bills and sent her in to set up on my floor. Hopefully the sleeping pill will kick in quickly. I feel so bad for her. She is struggling so much. She desperately wants to go out and do things, but when we do, there is a major meltdown when we get home. Tomorrow we're going to focus on mommy and daughter time here at home-- we're going to make enchiladas for the freezer. She probably won't be able to stick with the job, but hopefully it will distract her for a while, at least.

Psychiatrist

Part of the mystery of Daughter's recent behaviors is solved: she wants to be hospitalized. She knows the language well. In fact, this evening, she was trying again to convince me she needed to be in the hospital, and informed me that she is a danger to herself and others. She's not going to the hospital, but we are increasing her antidepressant. If she gets better, we'll know the problem is depression, if she gets worse, we'll know she's doing some rapid cycling.
.
She also confessed today that she's been getting a hold of the insulin at her program and taking extra. We had suspected as much, but couldn't figure out how. We still don't know how, as she isn't able to explain in a manner we've been able to understand.
.
I'm concerned about her grasp of reality right now. On the way to the psychiatrist she was trying to convince me she's pregnant, and insisted that you don't need sperm to get pregnant....
.
She did work with me in the yard for a while this afternoon. We cut down some large bushes in the backyard. I'm also getting ready to move some flowers and other plants around. I offered her the option of staying home the rest of the week, but she informed me she needs to be at her program. I think she needs the stability and structure it offers her. I hope that the increase in medication will help her get back on track. I hope.

A Team

I had a breakfast meeting this morning, so I dropped Daughter off with some members. She had a good time playing with their dog, and I've been assured she can come any time. She will be back at her program tomorrow, but Tuesday and Friday she will be with me for now. She had an appointment at the mental health clinic this afternoon to get started with a new psychiatrist. This is the same agency that has placed her in a program, so the team was there for her appointment, Daughter, Case Manager, Program Director, and me. CM had all her records and was able to pull information out for the doctor. He's continuing her meds, and after he sees what labs the family doctor ordered, will order more blood work to check on things. I liked him. Daughter had a hard time, and spent much of the appointment with her head in my lap. At one point she sat up and demanded confidentiality and said, "I'm not straight with doctors." He said, "Well, that's certainly straight." She had relaxed some and was more involved by the end.

.

This evening she came out of her room sobbing, telling me she was hearing voices and they were telling her to do things she didn't want to do. I comforted her, and suggested she was afraid she was going to her voices because we'd been talking about that with the Psychiatrist. I told her to put her ipod on to Christian music and to go finish making her bed. She did, and that seemed to solve the problem-- at least for now.

.

It's nice to have everything with one agency, and know that she has a team working for her. I really like the team. Program Director told me that she and Case Manager had been talking about the phenomenal job I'm doing with her. I was pleased that professionals whom I respect recognize my expertise. I remember in the early days, when I was trying to get services for her. I was seen as the problem-- she was a normal child being made crazy by her mother. I'm so grateful those days are behind us.

She has been assigned a nurse who will go train the people in her program about diabetes. It looks like the program will be moving to the church until their new building is ready-- probably at the end of December. I have lunch appointments both tomorrow and Thursday, and both days I will be Daughter's transportation service to the program. I'm way too busy and enjoying every minute of it. Now I'm off to bed-- the long days are catching up with me.

Eenie, meenie, minie.....

Pick a reason. Daughter is struggling again. She called me about lunch time and wanted me to come get her because she was remembering things. I told her she needed to distract herself and to get out her ipod. Yesterday she lied to me about having made her bed (she's wetting the bed about every other night now). Today she came home and demanded to go back to the workshop because she can't stand to be away from her friends (many of whom are no longer attending the workshop).

.

Among the possible reasons for the decline:

1. Concerns about Birth Brother in the army that were triggered by the Memorial Day Services yesterday.
2. PMS. Her period apparently started today.
3. The upcoming anniversary of my Mom's death (June 9th).
4. Contact with friends made possible when I gave her her cell phone back.
5. Concern about Sub being at the gift shop all week while Super Supervisor is on vacation.
6. A delayed reaction to the full moon on May 27 (I looked it up).
7. Fear brought on by her success (she told me today that she's not comfortable when she's happy because it isn't really her.)
8. The return of psychosis (she thought I was calling her this evening when I wasn't-- often a warning sign of psychosis-- I made up something so she wouldn't know I hadn't called her.)

She's supposedly trying to turn it around by doing her chores properly tonight. I hope she succeeds. I told her I know it's hard when Sub is in at the gift shop, but she wasn't going to leave the gift shop because of Sub. I also addressed some of the other possible causes. She told me she doesn't know what the problem is. I think that's an honest answer. It would be nice if I could determine the cause, but I probably won't ever know. We'll deal with the behavior and see if she can turn it around.

Bed Wetting

This morning is one of those rare mornings when I am angry. I should put a warning sign around my neck, though I think Daughter has figured it out by now. Daughter has been wetting the bed. I have checked her twice for UTI's, but those are negative. I have her on cranberry capsules as a preventive, so I didn't think we'd be able to find an easily fixed cause.

.

Yesterday morning when I opened her bedroom door, she was sleeping on the floor. I asked why she was on the floor and if she'd wet the bed. She assured me she hadn't wet the bed, she was on the floor because her hip was bothering her. I went in and pulled back the blanket on her bed, and it was wet. I pointed out the lie and told her to throw all the wet things in the washing machine.

.

At bedtime last night she'd "forgotten" to remake her bed. I told her to get busy and get it done.

I also told her to make sure she went to the bathroom before she went to bed, and told her I'd wake her up when I went to bed to go again. After she'd gone to bed, I went out to the laundry room and discovered that the laundry she'd supposedly taken care of had been dumped in a laundry basket with one dress laid over the top on a hanger. Of course it was all wrinkled, and of course some of the clothes are my dress clothes. I considered waking her up and making her come down and deal with it, but decided against it. I considered doing it myself, but decided against that, as well.

.

Two hours after she went to bed I went upstairs and woke her up. She kept ignoring me, and I was very angry by the time she came out of her bedroom. She had already wet the bed. I told her to put all the wet stuff in the bathtub, and get an old towel to put over the wet mattress pad so she'd have a dry place to sleep. She stood at the linen closet door forever. I asked what she was doing. "Looking for an old towel."

.

"Grab one of the blue ones and get back to bed!"

.

So, this morning when I got up, the bathroom stunk of urine. I opened the door to her bedroom and a brand new towel is over the wet spot and Daughter is sleeping on the floor. She says she didn't wet herself after she got on the floor. I'm too disgusted to see if that's true or not. I hope she didn't urinate all over the carpet. I told her to get up and get the wet stuff in the washing machine and herself in the shower. She took a very brief shower, so she still stinks of urine. I'm sick and tired of it all.

.

Why is she doing this? She's scared about the possibility of moving. Last night she told me we should just pack up everything and move this week. "Where are we going to move?" She didn't have an answer, of course. I have patiently explained to her that a move change the important things: we'll still be together. We'll have the same furniture and clothes. Cat and Kitten will still be annoying. I've reminded her of previous moves, and how they went well.

.

She told me last night she needed to be in the hospital overnight and threatened to hurt herself if I didn't take her. She claims she's hearing voices. Therapist and I are in agreement that she is not psychotic right now. I can tell when she's psychotic. Her blood sugar was mysteriously high this morning, so I'm going to need to go search her room for food. I'm also going to have to keep her in my line of vision all day. It's going to be a very long day....

Oldies but Goodies

I knew that when we took away seizures as a way of expressing her stress, Daughter would find other ways. Yesterday evening I opened the drawer of her nightstand and found 3 empty jars of simply fruit, an empty package of chocolate chips, and various other empty food containers. I didn't find the bag of tortilla chips I was seeking. When confronted, she found it and brought it down to me. I installed the new alarm I had purchased for her bedroom door. She got up twice during the night to use the bathroom, but her blood sugar this morning assures me she didn't make a detour through the kitchen.

.

Having deprived her of yet another coping mechanism, I received a call from her at about 11:00 this morning. She needed help. The voices are back. I reminded her of some of the tools we've given her for coping with voices and told her I'd see her this afternoon. Fortunately, she has an appointment with Therapist.

.

We talked some more about Nice Guy. They are both very jealous of their friends who are married and pregnant. NG wants to be like them. Daughter recognizes that they are messing up their lives and is terrified. I'm beginning to think it is time for her to tell NG that they should just be friends. I don't think he can handle having a girl friend and not planning his wedding. For Daughter, the thought of getting married and leaving home triggers her PTSD and creates all kinds of problems. If I'm this tired of it, she must be wiped out.

.

Hopefully Therapist will be able to help her sort through her feelings. At least I know what the major issue is, and I don't have to play guessing games.

The Bubble

Daughter lies. Daughter lies a lot. She will tell me she took her shower. "Will I find evidence?" Sometimes she will than admit she didn't, and go take it (though usually with a few loud words about how it isn't any of my business and she's not my puppet). For breakfast, she has oatmeal and milk. She needs some kind of protein to help keep her blood sugar stable until lunch. We generally have reduced fat sausage and cheese available for her protein source. Lately she has been protesting eating her protein. I found part of a sausage link in the upstairs hall after a cat retrieved it from the trash. I found a piece of cheese outside on the ground where she had thrown it.

.

This morning her blood sugar was on the low side of normal, so it was especially important for her to have her protein. I asked about it, and she assured me she'd taken one of the individually wrapped cheese pieces and eaten it. "Will I find evidence?" She assured me I would. I went and checked. No cheese wrapper in the trash. I gave her a piece of cheese and made her eat it in front of me. She was not happy, but she knew better than to protest, as it was her own doing. She knows why she needs the protein (I've explained it several hundred times), but she doesn't care enough about her own health to follow through.

.

One time she explained to me why she lied. She told me that with each lie, a bubble she has created around her grows. The bigger the bubble, the safer she feels. The bubble protects her from getting close to people, keeps her from feeling vulnerable. The lying is another sign of her current stress level. She is creating a big bubble around herself (when she's not sitting next to me wrapped around my arm, that is). She claims she's hearing voices again. She says her birth parents are telling her to kill herself. I told her to tell them to get out of her life, that she's safe now and doesn't need to listen to them. Is she really hearing voices? Maybe. Or maybe she's just making sure she has a big enough bubble to protect her from getting close to anyone. Maybe some day I'll figure out how to pop the bubble.

Down

I'm feeling a bit down the last two days. I'm edgy, and much less patient than usual. I had a wedding yesterday, and the bride totally annoyed me by her complete disregard for board policy on weddings. She did it very intentionally, too. I haven't decided what to do about that yet.

.

I went to the rehearsal dinner Friday night, which happened to be Mom's birthday. I sat next to father of the bride's girlfriend, who was telling me about the wonderful 80th birthday celebration they'd had for her dad on Thanksgiving. She know nothing about the challenges of the past year, and I was gracious about listening, and more than a little bit jealous.

.

We went briefly to the reception, but I had to come home to get ready for this morning. I needed to finish my sermon. Actually, I needed to start it. I've been avoiding work the last few days, which is a part of being down. Daughter was furious that I brought her home before the dancing began. She's hearing voices again. She says her birth parents are telling her to kill herself.

.

Sister-in-law said something really stupid and insensitive at Thanksgiving. At least she had the good sense not to say it to Sister or me. Her comment prompted Sister's ex-Mother-in-law to turn her back on her and get a glass of wine. I keep telling the Sisters that as long as Brother is happy, that is all that matters. But that doesn't mean there aren't times when we'd like to wring SIL's neck. There are times when Daughter shows more maturity and sensitivity than SIL.

.

Faraway Brother-in-law heads to the other side of the world on business today. I hope that his problem last week really was a medication mix-up and not a TIA or stroke.

,

Daughter is off bowling with Special Olympics. NG's mother picked her up and took her. I had the opportunity to talk to NG's mom yesterday, and warned her a little about Daughter's PTSD. Flasher is supposedly completely out of the picture now. His mom pulled him out of the workshop. I don't think that's going to be permanent, but we'll enjoy the peace while he's gone.

.

The next few weeks are going to be crazy busy for me. I'm going to have to prioritize carefully to make sure I get the things that are most important done first. C is coming in a little while, and we're going to begin by filling up Daughter's pill boxes for the next 4 weeks. I've decided that is a very high priority. We see Psychiatrist again on the 7th. I've been teaching Daughter how to talk back to the voices, and hopefully that will carry her through the holiday season and stability will return following the holidays.

.

Next Sunday evening we are having a Blue Christmas service. I was fighting back tears during worship this morning, so I don't even want to think about what that service will do to me. I'm glad that the board members agreed to lead it. I'll be able to sit quietly and worship, provided, of course, that I can let go of my need to control worship and trust them.

The First Thanksgiving

We survived the first Thanksgiving without our parents. There were just 10 of us, Sister, Ex-Brother-in-law, Little Niece, Brother, Sister-in-law, and Ex-BIL's mom, sister and aunt. Daughter asked Sister if she could light a candle in memory of Mom and Dad and say the prayer. She did a beautiful job. I was proud of her. She handled the day pretty well. She had to talk to me a couple of times--she was missing Nice Guy, and there was some grief. I kept referring her back to her list of things for which she is thankful.

.

As we were coming to the motel after our day with family, she told me she had been hearing voices. I asked what they were telling her. At first she said lots of different things, so I asked her to share two of the things with me. They were telling her she couldn't handle having a boyfriend. She said, "I'm showing them they're wrong. I'm handling having a boyfriend." They were also telling her she'd never be able to live independently. "I told them there isn't any rush and I can take it slowly at my pace and I'll know when I'm ready to be independent." Once again I was proud of her. She's asleep, and I'm headed that way, too. I hope everyone had a wonderful Thanksgiving!

Turning Down an Opportunity

With the death of one of Daughter's friends, there will most likely be an opening in a supported living home. Case Manager called me about it today. I pondered it, and made an appointment for Daughter with Therapist so we could talk about it. Then this afternoon we saw Psychiatrist. Daughter still isn't stable. She is experiencing a great deal of anxiety. She is still hearing voices. Psychiatrist thinks that the voices she hears are flashbacks, and what we are dealing with is severe Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I agree. Right now we are dealing with layers of triggers: anniversary issues; the death of both of her grandparents; the death of a friend; even NG and physical closeness with a man.

.

To try to move Daughter to a new home away from me at this point in time would add a whole new layer stress and another huge trigger. Psychiatrist confirmed my gut feeling that now is not the time to look at making this kind of move. So with some regret and some relief (that I won't have to deal with the fall out), I am going to tell Case Manager that now is not a good time, and we will wait for another opening. Therapist will continue working with Daughter on finding security in the knowledge that she is safe and has a voice to keep herself safe, even in threatening situations.

.

Hopefully the next time there is an opportunity, Daughter will be stable and have enough confidence in her ability to keep herself safe to make a successful move into a more independent living situation. For now, I have an as needed prescription for xanax for her. We'll try it the next time she's too anxious to sleep in her own bed. If the xanax helps and she begins to need it on a regular basis, Psychiatrist will reevaluate her base meds and adjust them to provide more help for anxiety. While I'm not happy about adding another med, I'm hopeful that if we can identify the base problem as anxiety, we will be able to cut back on some of her other meds and find a balance that will enable her to be successful. I still await the day when they can measure out of whack brain chemicals and adjust them the way we do blood sugar and insulin.

Assorted Ramblings

So Daughter is sleeping in my bedroom at night because she can't sleep unless she's near me. All medication, insulin, and knives are locked up because she can't be trusted around them. Yesterday afternoon she wasn't sure what to do about NG because it turned out the whole time he was here Flasher was waiting in the car.

.

Yesterday evening she was asking me why they had to wait a year before they could get engaged and married. I told her sometime ago that I always counseled couples that they should be dating for at least a year before they discussed marriage. At the time, she thought it was a good idea. Every time she has a boyfriend she doesn't think it's such a good idea. She told me she wants to live independently-- but she's clinging to me

.

One of the women in the church is a case manager at the sheltered workshop. This morning she warned me that one of Daughter's friends died this morning-- probably of H1N1, though they're calling it pneumonia. I told Daughter, who was appropriate in her grief.

.

Daughter is still hearing voices. She tried to sleep in her own room last night, and ended up wetting her bed, and it's been a very long time since she did that. If my car isn't going to be ready tomorrow, I'm going to have to rent a car. Daughter has an appointment in Big City on Tuesday with Psychiatrist. She has to get to that. I also need to get to the hospital in City tomorrow. One of our members is in the hospital with H1N1.

.

On a more positive note, this morning was good. Worship went well, and things are happening in a lot of areas. I had a number of conversations this morning about upcoming events. We have a board meeting this evening, and should get a lot done there. I have a number of visits I need to make this week, and Daughter has 2 doctors appointments, so it will be a busy week. I like busy weeks.

Peace (At Least Temporarily)

Daughter sat down and on her own came up with a list of reasons she deserved to have good things in her life. Once she had come up with her list, she calmed down and apparently the voices stopped. She was able to do a few chores and for a while she sat next to me with her head on my shoulder. The peace that came over her was truly amazing.

.

She went to bed, and probably slept well. I went to bed and had weird dreams all night long. When she gets into bad places and starts raging and hearing voices, I end up exhausted. I always struggle with when it is time to take her to the hospital. When do I call Psychiatrist about a medication change? What do we try to work through at home? What could I do differently to prevent her from becoming psychotic to begin with? Is there anything I can do? Of course, according to D, all I have to do is get her off the medication and stop having those counselors talk to her about her past abuse....

.

One of the things I realized last night is that by locking up the medication and insulin, I have taken away one of her coping mechanisms. It used to be that when the voices started up and she felt the need to hurt herself, she could take extra insulin. The resulting low met that need. Now, she can't get at any of the easy ways to hurt herself. I need to remember to remind her of some of the other things that Therapist suggested she do when she feels the need hurt herself. For now, I will enjoy the peace and hope that it continues when I wake her up in a few minutes.

No Good Deed....

With Daughter, it truly is true that no good deed goes unpunished. She is currently outside supposedly calling the police to come throw her in jail where she belongs. She's threatened to do that before, but tonight she is so out of control she just might follow through.

.

She had a good night last night, in which I did some really nice things for her in fixing the supper she wanted for her date. I should have known that today would be a rough day for her, but I wasn't thinking, so I decided to relax her hair. That's two hours of intense together time that ends up with her having beautiful, straight hair. All the good overwhelmed her, and she became scared and began acting out.

.

She came back in the house without having called the police. She wants help. The voices are telling her to hurt herself. She doesn't want to go back to the hospital. She acknowledges that I am right in my analysis, but she's resisting writing down the reasons why she deserves to have good things happen to her, because she either can't do it or it won't help. It could be a very long evening.

Overwhelmed

Daughter is very easily overwhelmed right now. She didn't do anything in her bedroom last night because she was overwhelmed and didn't know where to begin.

.

Today she called me twice from the workshop, begging me to come get her. I assured her she could make it through the day, and she did, though reluctantly, and only because I refused to pick her up. She didn't do any work when it came in, because she was overwhelmed (though she told them she didn't feel good.)

.

She has a new boyfriend, and wants to spend time with him. She recognizes that that means she'd best be super cooperative at home. So, she came home and asked for a list of chores. I told her I wanted her to do three things in her bedroom: put away the clothes and shoes on her floor (there aren't that many), and clean out one of the bags she's used to hide things. She told me she thought we needed to strip down her room again. I've done it before, and was thinking it was time, I just didn't have the energy to do it. So, since she has requested, I think we'll make it our Saturday project this week.

.

She's trying, but every thing is a struggle for her right now. I called and talked to Psychiatrist's nurse today. I've had her on the proper dose of Depakote-- which is 1250 mg. Today I find myself wondering if it will have to go up again. She is showing early warning signs of hearing voices. We're taking it one day at a time, but the days are a real struggle for her right now.

.

I had a productive day in the office, and am feeling less overwhelmed. Thanks to the work we did on files yesterday, I was able to find a form I needed quite easily tonight. Now if only I could get my computer and new wireless computer to communicate so I could print out another form I need....

She Confessed

She apologized, and admitted that she could have stopped the voices. They weren't that bad. She was overwhelmed by the laundry. It took me less than 10 minutes to fold, but for her, it was overwhelming. She promised to make tomorrow a better day. The voices may be controllable for her now, but she's still not stable. It will be interesting to see how she does when she gets back to the workshop tomorrow.

Paying

Today I've been paying for taking it easy yesterday afternoon and not running around visiting people. It took over 70 miles to make 2 visits this afternoon. One of our women on hospice is declining fast. I am waiting for the phone call. I visited her this afternoon. Her son and one of her daughters was there, and I also visited her sister, who is in the same facility. Another daughter was coming from out of state, and should have arrived by now.

.

The woman was only semi-conscious, and when I went in and identified myself she began crying "help, help, help..." I found myself wondering if my parents had suffered when they were dying. When I visited Saturday, the woman was eating lunch and we shared communion. I'm glad I made the trip. Her daughter thought that may have been the last time she ate....

.

Our man who has been in the hospital thought he'd be discharged this afternoon. I hope he was. Tomorrow I have to go visit the other woman who is on hospice, and if the woman I visited today is still alive, I'll stop by to see her, too. Friday I plan to go to the nursing home in the other direction to visit the 3 people we have there.

.

Daughter has called me in tears every day this week. Each time she has had a different story. Monday, it was voices. Yesterday, it was Flasher harassing her. Today she was having stomach problems. We saw Therapist this afternoon, and Daughter talked about her "big feelings." She claims Flasher has calling her the N word at the workshop today. I'm not sure I believe it. She's back to lying all the time and sneaking food. While I'm not sure how much of what she is telling me is real, I do know this much: she is caught in a downward spiral right now. I hope that Therapist gave her some tools today to stop it. I hope.

.

Again tonight I am exhausted. The next two mornings I'm going to have to do some intensive work on my sermon for Sunday. I did have a laugh today. The hospital had a huge sign listing who shouldn't visit. It included those under 14, anyone who is experiencing nausea and vomiting, fever, body aches, and various other symptoms of the flu, including tiredness. I told the man I visited that if I didn't visit when I was tired, I'd never do any hospital calls! He thought that was pretty funny. As I think about it, I really didn't take it that evening yesterday afternoon, I was in the office working until after 4:00. I just wasn't out visiting. I guess I have reason to be exhausted.

LInen and Voices

I have hired a young woman in the congregation to help me clean and organize. She was here for 2 hours today, and we tackled the linen closet. It was an absolute disaster, and I didn't have room for the towels I'd brought back from Dad's. Daughter is not going to be allowed in it anymore. She opens the door and crams whatever she doesn't know what to do with in there. We also cleaned out 2 drawers that are a part of the linen closet. I ended up with 4 tall kitchen trash bags stuffed full of donations and 3 of trash. I found things that had been missing. I can now see what I have. C will come work with me once a week as I tackle the mess and clutter in this house piece by piece. I started with the linen closet because I knew we'd be able to finish it, it would enable me to put some things away that were cluttering up my bedroom, and it would give me a fast victory, hopefully motivating me to continue the process.

.

Daughter called a little while ago. She says she's hearing voices again, and that they are telling her to kill the family. Do I believe her? Maybe. I know that she's hurting. I'm glad that I keep the knives locked up and that she sees Therapist on Wednesday. I'll watch her tonight, but I suspect she called me because she was hurting and wanted me to take her concerns seriously. It's a strange life I live-- Daughter tells me she's hearing voices telling her to kill people and I ask if she has any work to do today. There was a time when I would have been extremely concerned by what she told me. That time is long past.

Finding Answers

Daughter has had a rough few days. Tuesday she called me in hysterics from the workshop, insisting I come and pick her up immediately. She claimed she was being harassed again. I had her take some deep breaths, wash her face, and told her to listen to the Christian music on her ipod on the bus ride home.

.

When she got home and told me the story, I told her it wasn't harassment, but teasing, and she needed to develop a thicker skin. She had another play date after supper. I was on the phone, so wasn't out there to referee. They hadn't been here long before she burst into the house screaming and insisted I send the boys home immediately. They were getting on her nerves. She then took off, saying she was going for a walk, but was back in the house almost immediately. I told her she needed to go for a walk to work out some of her adrenaline.

.

I asked her if her period had started, and she said, "No, but it must be due, because I'm so emotional." Wednesday night she was irritable again. I don't even remember what the issues were. I decided that maybe it was because it was the night we change the catapres patch she wears, which is supposed to slow the adrenaline from her PTSD.

.

Today she's still irritable, and she seems to be hearing voices again. Now I suspect she is manic again. I have an order for another Depakote level for her, but of course I can't find it right now.... If I don't find it this evening I'll call and ask them to fax one directly to the lab, and we'll get it drawn on Saturday morning.

.

Even with all of this, she's still much better than she has been some years in May. This is often the time of year I'm wondering how much longer I'll be able to manage her at home. This year, I'm just seeking to find the answers that will help her maintain a more even keel. I am confident that someday we will find the proper mix of medication, and Daughter will learn how to cope with her remaining symptoms.

Taking My Time

I haven't gone running over to the hospital today. I'm not going to reward this behavior. I spoke to Daughter briefly this morning, and she just called. She's sounding very chipper today. She got what she wanted: into the hospital and lots of attention. That attention is not going to come from me. Once she is transferred to the psych unit, I will go over and see her and take her clothes. It will not be a long visit.
.

I talked to Therapist, who agrees with my plans. She was surprised, as she had specifically asked Daughter about voices and hurting herself on Tuesday, and Daughter had been very convincing in her assurances. We're thinking we're looking at Borderline Personality Disorder now. Birth mom had it.

.

My life has become so much more complicated. I'm going to need to lock all insulin and medication up. She lies with such ease, and so convincingly. For now, though, I need to focus on one day at a time. Tomorrow I have worship and I'll meet with the family about the funeral on Tuesday. The youth group is doing the Lenten supper on Wednesday, so I'm going to need to get to City and buy the lasagna and garlic bread. Hopefully Dad will hang in there another week.

"I Need Help"

Daughter came into the den shortly after she had gone to bed last night, sobbing. "I need help."
.
"What's wrong?"
.
"It's the voices, they're back."
.
"What are they saying?"
.
"They're not saying anything. They're showing me terrible pictures of the whole family dying."
.
I gently explained that when you have one family member who is dying, it naturally raises fears that other family members may die, too. I talked about how sometimes when I'm dealing with lots of people in the hospital, I will come home afraid there will be a message that one of our family members is in the hospital. She wants this to be over. I told her everyday that Granddad is still with us is a gift, but to her, it feels like a stress, as she waits for the inevitable. I explained that this could go on for weeks or months.
.
She told me we should be up there with him. I pointed out that when we're there, she wants to be home in her routine. I told her that is also natural, no matter where we are right now, we feel like we should be someplace else.
.
I've walked with so many families through this over the years. I've explained these dynamics to so many people. It's different, though, when it's my own family, and it's my daughter and father who are suffering. I remember a woman who was dying of cancer. Her daughters took turns coming to stay with her. The last week of her life was long and painful. I remember them asking me why she didn't die. What was she waiting for? I shared their frustration, and told them we can't predict life and death, and God's time is not our time. A friend who had been out of town came to visit her. The woman tried to respond to her friend's voice after several days of being unresponsive. Her friend left her with the words, "Good bye, R, you've been a good friend." The woman was dead shortly after her friend left.
.
Mom was discharged yesterday. I've wondered if maybe Dad was wanting to see her one more time. I don't know. He goes to the doctor today. He told Sister he'd lost 2 lbs. Sister said he's also more confused, and is frustrated that he can't remember what day it is.
.
Daughter went off to the workshop today. I hope they have things to keep her busy. If they don't provide her with structure and activity, she'll sit and worry and it will be a very long day for every one involved. I expect to hear from her today. Tonight I think we'll go to City. She needs blood work and we have some shopping we need to do. The best help I can give her right now is to assure her that what she's experiencing is normal and to give her other things on which to focus. For now, focusing on her grief diverts me from my own. I'll have to face it at some point, too.