Nightmares

Daughter was very much on edge yesterday. She was irritable, then depressed. She alternated between yelling at me to never speak to her again and sleeping on the couch. She refused to do any of her chores, or even eat fajitas with me for supper.

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At bedtime, she came into the TV room and announced that she couldn't find the charger for her cell phone, which was dead. She informed me that since her cell phone was dead, she was going to have to sleep in my room because she wouldn't have a clock in her room.

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"Where's your alarm clock?"

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"In the guest room."

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"Go get it and I'll set it for you so you'll have a clock in your bedroom."

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I heard her rummaging around in the guest room with a sinking feeling. We keep that room closed to keep the cats out, and apparently she had once again cleaned her room by dumping anything she didn't know what to do with in the guest room.

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"I can't find it. I'm sleeping in your room."

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I was slightly puzzled that after spending all afternoon and evening being ugly to me and pushing me away, she now wanted to sleep in my bedroom. I also wasn't thrilled. I was to the point that I really didn't want her near me, but I didn't object.

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I walked into my bedroom to do something, and she had all the lights on. She was in my recliner, which was pushed too close to the wall to recline completely.

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"You aren't going to be able to sleep like that. Go get in your bed and I'll wake you up in the morning."

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"I can't sleep in my bed."

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"Why can't you?"

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"Because of the nightmares."

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"What are the nightmares about."

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"I keep dreaming about J (birth brother) searching for me and finding me."

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"Do you want him to find you?"

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"No."

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"Did you tell Therapist about this?" (She saw her therapist yesterday afternoon).

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"No. I was too afraid to tell her."

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"You do a very good job of keeping yourself safe, and if J were to show up, I know you'd be able to handle it."

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She slept in my recliner all night in what looked to me like a very uncomfortable position. She was up with the alarm this morning for the first time in quite a while, and was very pleasant and cooperative.

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A couple of weeks ago she had insisted she needed to see J. I pointed out that she had sent him 2 letters 2 years ago, and he hadn't respected her enough to respond to either one. Being an adopted child isn't easy. I think she will always be haunted by her birth family. Her attitude is different than it was a month ago, but the pain hasn't vanished, just transformed into fear.

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I wonder how long she'll be sleeping in my recliner this time around....