Another Never

A month ago I told Daughter she could never have contact with her birth family. We've added another never. Yesterday Therapist talked to Daughter about how every time she begins talking about living independently she does something to prove she can't live independently. Daughter readily acknowledged this. So, every time Daughter begins to talk about living independently now, we're going to tell her she can't do it. Ever. I'm no longer going to remind her of the things she needs to be able to do to live independently. I'm just going to tell her it isn't possible.

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I understand and agree with this. I also find myself exceedingly frustrated by this. It goes against everything I believe in. I believe in hope. I believe in growth. I believe in God's power to bring transformation in our lives. To tell Daughter never just feels wrong-- it feels like I'm giving up on her and cutting off possibilities.

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I want Daughter to have goals. I want her to continue to learn and master new things. I'm much more comfortable saying, "Not now." I don't like saying, "Never." Yet I am realistic, and I recognize that each time she sets out to prove she isn't ready to live independently, she does things that are dangerous. I'm also aware that each time it seems to be something more dangerous. Daughter is a very concrete thinker. For her, she either can live independently or she can't. She doesn't understand the concept of not now.

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I also need hope. I want to look forward to the empty nest, not life with a perpetual 8 year old. I want the freedom to make plans without having to make arrangements for Daughter. It's not easy, finding sitters for a 22 year old. I am very much aware of the fact that there are many who are judging the way I parent, and who think I'm too protective and that I'm holding her back.

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Daughter can present herself quite well. She can be very articulate. She can explain what she needs to do for her diabetes perfectly. Talking to her, you'd never know that she knows what she needs to do, and then she'll intentionally not provide appropriate care for her diabetes. She is a very convincing liar.

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I am going through another grieving process. Just as I grieve as Mom slowly slips away from us, I'm now grieving the loss of my hopes and dreams for Daughter. Grief is never easy....