As a result of a podcast I listened to this morning, I find myself contemplating the difference between patience and endurance. Through 19 years of parenting a special needs child, I have become a very patient individual. As a result of yesterday's discovery, though, I feel that I have moved from patience with Daughter to endurance. What is the difference? Right now, I don't have hope. In the past, I was patient because she was learning, and I could nurture and teach.
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Today, I feel like she will never learn. I feel like I am sentenced to a life tethered to this young woman who will never be able to live independently and will never be trustworthy. Today I feel like she will continue to find new ways to lie and sneak. Today I feel like eventually the time will come when I won't be able to keep her safe, and she will die. Today, I feel like my task is to endure. To endure her mood swings and irrationality. To endure her verbal abuse.
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Part of me protests: I shouldn't have to put up with this! Where are my rights? But then reality hits me. She is no more capable of living independently than my 4 year old niece. The waiting list for supported living is long. You see, supported living is funded by medicaid. When the government runs into budget problems they cut medicaid. I love her. I have dedicated the last 19 years of my life to her needs and her safety. That's not something I can quit. So, for today, I endure.
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Maybe tomorrow I will find hope again, and can be patient again. But for today, I endure.
6 comments:
So, what do you think? Is she suicidal or oppositional or attention getting? If oppositional or attention getting you could give her the responsibility and let her crash. That would be really scary but would imitate independent living and subject her to natural consequences.
Maeve
My new guru is "Parenting Teens With Love and Logic", but I know that Daughter is outside of those parameters. On the other hand, it might work to give her the option to let herself fail and then suffer the consequences. If the consequences will be too terrible you can't do them, but only you can call the possibilities here.
Good luck....I'm sorry, that's a terrible thing to say. There is NOTHING to say. I stopped patience and endurance decades ago and let the chips fall. They didn't fall in good places but I knew my limitations.
The above is me. Maeve
Maeve,
I always am grateful for your wisdom. You've gotten your wisdom the hard way. I suspect that part of this is attention seeking. She told me I could throw her in the hospital. I didn't, as Psychiatrist thought her last hospitalization had some attention seeking aspects.
The problem with giving her the responsibility is that I suffer-- she becomes very verbally abusive as she becomes manic, and when the psychosis gets bad enough, she hears voices telling her to kill me.
Right now the consequence she is suffering (and not liking) is a very unhappy mom who is not willing to talk to her or engage her. She's dealing with that by avoidance. She's gone back to bed. Of course, since she just started back up on her anti-psychotics and anti-seizure medication at full strength, she probably is pretty groggy anyway. I'm sure she doesn't feel very good-- another natural consequence.
One more thing:
I haven't told her that Grandma has stopped eating and is rapidly losing weight. She probably weighs less than 90 lbs. now. I figure that would just give her more excuses for acting out. I'm not willing/able to provide comfort/reassurance right now. I don't want to be around her.
This is the hardest thing because our kids just don't learn from natural consequences. I know how you feel. I, too, feel (ESPECIALLY today) that sometimes I just am enduring each day. You are not alone.
Thanks, Torina. Somedays are just harder than other days....
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