Decisions

In less than 2 weeks, Mom has lost 7 lbs. Sister was talking about how well she ate on Sunday: several bites of cake, and one bite of each of the other items on her plate. If that's eating well, the weight loss is easy to understand. My sisters were speculating on how long she could last while losing weight at this rate. I reminded them we can't predict life and death. We didn't think she'd live until Easter, and she's still with us.

.

Dad went home to his apartment from rehab one week ago today. He still has his live-in aide, which was just going to be for a week. He's keeping her for "just one more week," because he thinks she's good with Mom, and she goes over to the cottage twice a day to feed her and care for her. In the week he's been home, he's gained over 6 lbs of fluid. He's given his live-in aide the password for his bank accounts (Far Away Sister quickly changed them again). He's had Brother withdraw $800 through the ATM. (We've explained to Brother several times that Dad can't have that kind of cash around the apartment, and doesn't need it, but Brother doesn't listen-- we can track less than $200 of that money.) He gets short of breath if he stands for any length of time. He sleeps much of the day, and can't remember that he's eaten, so every time he wakes up he thinks it's time to eat again. His confusion grows with each passing day.

.

Last night I had a long conversation with my sisters. We know it's time to move him to someplace where he can receive a higher level of care. If Mom is still with us, we'll probably move her, as well. It's very hard on him to visit her, but we suspect it would be very difficult for him to move some place where he couldn't visit her. It would also be too hard on Brother and Sister to have them in two separate facilities.

,

I'm struggling with a desire to rush up there and try to fix everything and the knowledge that I'm going to have to choose carefully when I go and help. Far Away Sister has done some preliminary screening of possible facilities, and Sister is off Friday, so she intends to go check them out. Brother will not be happy, because they are closer to Sister than they are to him, but the service Far Away Sister used couldn't locate options close to him. Sister has said she'll want help from me with closing out the apartment.

.

I don't look forward to any of it. The apartment is small, but we're going to have to make some difficult decisions about some of their things. There is some potential for some conflict. I'm in the process of registering for summer continuing ed events, and find myself wondering if I'll be able to attend them. I also know that we can't predict life and death, and they've both surprised us many times before. They could continue a long, slow decline indefinitely. Mom now weighs 98 lbs, but for much of her adult life, that was her normal weight. So while she's lost a significant amount of weight, she's not emaciated-- yet.

.

I think that in many ways, our thinking that death is imminent is wishful thinking. It is very hard, watching this slow decline. Mom is becoming less responsive. While communication has been hard for some time, when we were up there in February, she'd clap her hands and give us huge hugs when we arrived. She could still lay a guilt trip on us as she clung to us and cried. Even in March, it was obvious that she knew us and we could interact some. Now, she doesn't respond much to family members. Sister thinks she still recognizes them, she just isn't able/willing to interact much.

.

Sister has convinced me to make the trip up for Niece's recital on June 17. Of course, when I agreed, I thought I could go up, watch Niece dance, and be home that same evening. I figured that since Niece is only 4, her class would be among the first to dance. Now I hear that Sister has gotten us front row seats for the 3 hour long recital. I'm not thrilled about the idea of heading home at 9:30 or 10:00 at night-- we wouldn't be home until 1:00 or so.

.

This is just such a hard process. Fortunately, Dad seems to recognize that he needs more care than the live-in aide can provide. I think he will go willingly to the facility that we select for him. He has seen all of his daughters step up and be strong advocates for both of our parents. About a year ago we moved him out of a nursing home just a couple of days after he went there for rehab. They weren't taking care of his diabetes, and so I went in and informed him that he was being moved that day. He sat their grinning as I ordered the staff around and made arrangements for him to move.

.

We know that their death will bring healing for both of them. We just don't know how much longer they are going to have to suffer, or how much more of their dignity age will steal from them. Daughter was lamenting how unfair it is for them to have to go through this last night. She thinks assisted suicide is a good idea. We put pets to sleep so they won't suffer, why not grandparents? That's her reasoning, anyway. I explained (again) that their life and death are in God's hands. There are times, though, when I understand her perspective. I'm grateful that both of my parents have given us clear instructions, and that we know that they are both ready to meet their God.