Farming

I am a product of suburbia, and spent my first 10 years of ministry in the inner city. When I arrived here almost 14 years ago, I knew nothing about farming. I've asked lots of questions, and so I know a little bit more now. Many of our members are involved in farming. Most of them also have other sources of income (working wife, second job) but there are still a few who rely totally on farming for their income.

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Farmers tend to sell themselves short-- I occasionally find myself telling one that I am impressed by how much they need to know in how many different areas-- from birthing livestock to repairing heavy equipment. So much of farming is beyond their control-- they are at the mercy of the weather. In our part of the world, they don't irrigate the crops, they wait for rain. This spring has been tough.

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I was driving back from City yesterday on back country roads, and was amazed by what I saw. It has been a very wet spring, so many farmers still haven't been able to get all their beans planted. So I drove by unplanted fields. I drove by fields of corn that were almost knee high (wisdom says it needs to be knee high by the 4th of July). One farmer had anhydrous tanks by each of his corn fields. It should have been applied long ago, but the wet fields have made it impossible to get out there. I also saw a field where the winter wheat had already been harvested. Usually the wheat harvest takes place while I'm gone in July. It's ready early this year. I read an article yesterday that said that the wet weather has resulted in some disease or syndrome or something (I don't remember details) to damage much of the wheat in our area. I don't know if there has ever been a year when the wheat has been ready before all of the crops were planted. I'll have to ask tomorrow.

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The farmers are getting antsy, to say the least. I wouldn't want to be living with one right now as they watch the days go by and worry about when they'll be able to finish up their spring work. I had a long conversation with on of our retired farmers one day. He was telling me he was just a poor dumb farmer and could never be a minister like I was. I told him he was anything but dumb, and I could never be a farmer like he had been. I ended up talking about call and vocation with him, and telling him farming was as much of a call as ministry. Several weeks ago, the adult son of one of our farmers asked him what he'd do if he ever had a year where the weather was perfect. I still remember one of the farmers remarking in Sunday School that heaven must be boring, because since the weather would be perfect there wouldn't be anything to talk about.

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It's raining again today. I find myself comparing my stress to the stress that my farmers are experiencing right now. Once again I'm laundering Daughter's wet linens. I'm contemplating how we'll handle our travels with the ongoing bed wetting. It will be frustrating and inconvenient, but it won't affect our ability to eat or pay the bills this winter. It's important to keep things in perspective....

Escalating

Daughter became unresponsive on the bus this afternoon. The squad was called and she was transported to the ER. Vitals and all labs were normal. I didn't kill her, either. I figured that since she was in the ER, they'd resuscitate her. Plus, there would be witnesses. She was mad at Super Supervisor, and I didn't offer sympathy when she called to complain. I told her she had to work it out with SS. She told the squad not to call me because I was too busy and she isn't worth it. For some reason, I'm tired. It could be a very long weekend.

Rebelling

I went to see the specialist about my GERD today. I'll have a scope done on the 28th. Between now and then, I'm supposed to stop taking my ibuprofen, stop drinking caffeine, avoid tomatoes, chocolate, citrus, elevate the head of my bed, and various other things that make me want to rebel. I find myself wanting all of the things I'm not supposed to have. I want to rebel against all the restrictions. But then I think about the pain in my stomach and think maybe rebellion isn't such a good idea.

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I'm not going to stop the caffeine until Monday, because I anticipate that I will be miserable for a day or two as I go through caffeine withdrawal. I anticipate a very bad headache-- and I won't be able to take ibuprofen to stop it. Maybe I should make up some warning signs to hang around my neck for next Monday and Tuesday....

A Very Brief Celebration

Daughter didn't allow me much time to savor the victory. I had no sooner posted when she came back downstairs announcing she didn't feel good and had to check her blood sugar. Her blood sugar was fine, so she went back upstairs. She was only there a few minutes when she called that she needed me because she'd vomited. I went upstairs to discover that she had put a comforter on her bedroom floor to sleep on, and it was now very disgusting. Not only that, she had managed to get some on the light beige carpet. She'd been drinking red sugar free punch all evening. I think you probably are getting the picture. I've cleaned it three times with spot carpet cleaner and the best I can say is it's no longer bright red.

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I asked why she was on the floor. She didn't know. I went over to her bed, pulling back the sheets so she could get in it. She'd wet the bed. She'd been dry 3 mornings in a row, and yesterday evening while pouting/napping, she wet it. By this time the comforter and rags I'd used to clean the floor were in the washing machine. I got an old towel out of the linen closet and told her to put it over the wet spot and go to bed.

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One of the ways Daughter protected herself when was was being abused/molested was to dissociate. She left her body. By doing that, she avoided feeling the pain. It's amazing what the mind can do to enable someone to endure the unendurable. Amazing. The problem is, her mind did too good a job. She still has trouble interpreting the signals her body sends her. Thus there are still times when I have to explain that the discomfort she is feeling is because she needs to go to the bathroom. She'll argue with me, and then, after she's made use of the facilities, admit I was right.

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She honestly didn't realize that her body was telling her she was going to vomit. She doesn't do it very often, and only knew something wasn't right, so she checked her blood sugar. The ongoing challenges from those first three years continue to amaze me. This morning she was feeling better, so she's off to the gift shop. She was feeling very guilty about last night. I told her several times to use the guilt to motivate herself to make today better. I want another victory to savor.

A Victory

Daughter came home in a good mood, telling me she wanted to go shopping this weekend. I pointed out she didn't have money to go to shopping. We took the chore list that has the value of each job, so she earned $6 yesterday, which is about right. She worked for less than an hour (though spread out over several hours) and then was too tired to do anything else. We figured out the jobs that she could do to finish paying off her ipod debt to me. Then she vanished to her bedroom.

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I finally called her down. She informed me she wasn't going to work today. I told her she at least had to do the cat boxes. She insisted she had-- until I headed upstairs to check, when she started yelling about how I should just trust her and she was sick of me refusing to believe her. I told her to let me know when I could inspect, and I'd get her pills and insulin so she could go to bed.

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About an hour later she reappeared. "I need to talk."

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She went into this long speech about how she was too worried and stressed to do anything. She's worried about me and about Pregnant Best Friend. I reminded her that when she's worried about someone she should pray for them. She informed me that didn't work.

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I laid it out for her. I informed her that she had been frustrated that she didn't have money for shopping, so she had gone up to her room to feel sorry for herself. I told her that now she was looking for reasons to justify not working. I told her it wasn't working. I wasn't going to feel sorry for her. There was nothing anyone could do to fix her worries, it was up to her. She sat silent for a moment, then said, "Fine." She went out to the kitchen and got a bag and went upstairs and cleaned out the cat boxes. She came back downstairs for her pills and insulin. She's in bed.

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Tonight, I won. I identified what was happening and refused to buy into her drama. She listened to what I had to say, and dropped the drama. I held her accountable, and it worked. Of course, that doesn't mean it will work tomorrow, but tonight I will savor my victory.

One Year Ago

It was one year ago today that a phone call told me of my mother's death. My initial reaction was relief. Her suffering was over. Our waiting was over. The stress was lighter almost immediately. Even now there are times when her death doesn't seem real. There are other times when it is hard to remember what it was like to have an able, intelligent, supportive Mom who offered help and advice.

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Traditionally, the grieving time was considered to be one year. I find myself examining my grief today. Does it still have an impact on my life? I think it does, but not in the expected ways. I find that I am feeling very old this week. Part of it is the issues that were identified in last week's doctor's appointment. In addition to the knee and stomach issues, I have osteoarthritis in my hands and my hair is thinning (my hairdresser confirmed my suspicion when I saw her Monday-- we talked about ways to cover the thin areas).

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More than feeling old, though, I'm feeling alone. Over 20 years ago, I had major surgery. My parents took time off work and came to be with me. They took care of me. I find that I'm facing the possibility of surgery again, and I'm alone. I'm not worried about the surgery itself, I have faith and know that God will use it to bring healing. It's more a matter of the logistics. Getting home after the surgery, taking care of Daughter and myself. It's the practical matters that leave me feeling alone. One year later, grief is being alone.

He's Back!

I was outside grilling when Daughter came looking for me. She was crying. "What's wrong?" It took a few minutes before she could talk. "It's about that person you don't like."

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"What's going on with Flasher?"
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"I was talking to Nice Guy and Flasher isn't safe in his home with his family."
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"Why isn't he safe?"
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"He's not allowed to talk to any of his friends or be in sports or anything."
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Of course, she told me again that her life isn't complete without a boyfriend, and that Flasher is her one true love. It took a while, but I finally convinced her that Flasher had probably brought this on himself. At least he won't be contacting her. If he really isn't allowed to do sports, I may let her do softball this year. We'll see.

A Moment of Joy

This morning I had to leave at 6:15 to go get an MRI on my knee. I dragged Daughter along, since I couldn't leave her home alone and I wasn't going to try to find someone to come stay with her that early in the morning. I told her we'd go out for breakfast when I was done, which guaranteed she'd be cooperative. She worried, of course, and thought it took too long. I thought it took to long, too, but for different reasons. If I keep the sore knee straight for any length of time, it hurts. By the time they finished the scan, the whole leg was one giant cramp.

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At the restaurant I told Daughter I had listened to the Nutcracker Suite through the headphones they gave me during the scan. Her face lit up, and she began to sing one of the tunes for me. As I sat there, watching her across the table, it was a moment of pure joy. She was so happy, so beautiful, and I was so grateful that she is my daughter. Moments like that almost make up for the challenges.

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She's home with me today. I decided I'd lost too much of the day to take her into the gift shop after the MRI. She was frustrated, but with some help began focusing on the positive. She's now doing household tasks to earn money to pay off the ipod. This morning was the second day in a row she was dry. I will enjoy these good moments for as long as they last. They help carry me through the challenging times.

At Last!

Blogger has been down for me since yesterday evening. It's good to finally be able to blog. Yesterday afternoon Daughter finally managed to apologize. I thanked her, and told her she needed to show me with her actions. She asked me what she should do. When I responded that she knew what to do, she said, "No, I don't. I'm just a child." I gave her instructions.

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She told me she's afraid I'm going to die. I knew that the possibility of knee surgery would make things difficult for/with her. I told her I was going to live-- unless the stress of her disrespect killed me! She took care of supper last night, and hopefully she'll continue to be helpful.

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She's called me twice today. The first time she wanted to know if I had my knee elevated. The second time she was crying and told me she was scared she was going to lose me. She sees Therapist tonight, so hopefully she will help her sort things out. At least Super Supervisor was at the gift shop today.

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She has been sneaking food again. She can really wear me down after a while. Tomorrow morning I have to go for an MRI bright and early in the morning. I'm taking her with me. I think we'll go out for breakfast after the MRI, and then I'll take her to the gift shop.

"My Mom Told Me I Can't Live Here Any More."

Yesterday Daughter asked me if she'd paid for my ipod yet. I asked her if she'd done any work since the last time we'd figured out how much she still owed me. "No."

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"Then you haven't earned any more money."

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She started talking about selling things to get money. "No, those are things I bought, so you can't sell them for money. Then she decided she was going to get a job in Town. "You need to complete the tasks on the chart so you will be ready for employment in the community."

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Yesterday she was in the dining room working on an art project. "Are you going to do any work today?"

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"What happens if I say no?"

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"There will be no electronics the rest of the day."

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"Fine. I'm not doing any work," and she stormed up to her room.

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I went up a minute later to find her watching her portable DVD player. I confiscated it. Of course, I had no right. I got my clothes out of the dryer and hung them up, and threw hers in a laundry basket.

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She came and got her clothes and took them upstairs. She was back down almost immediately and announced she'd hung them up and put them away. "I don't believe you. You need to at least do 3 things: put your clothes away, make your bed, and get the wet depends and put them in the trash." I have told her she has to take them out to the trash can daily, since I don't want them stinking up the house. Instead she's been hiding them in a wastebasket under the desk upstairs.

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She refused. I finally gave up and gave her her bedtime meds without the work being done because I wanted to go to bed (and because I didn't want to deal with her without the psych meds in her). She told me I was being unreasonable and she was through with me, and called me a b*tch. This final pronouncement was her response to my giving in and giving her her meds without her completing the tasks. I hadn't even said anything, just given her the meds.

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This morning I didn't wake her up. I came back home and went upstairs to get something, and she yelled (angrily) that she was in the kitchen. I informed her I wasn't looking for her and went back to the church.

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She came to worship (dressed appropriately). After worship she tried to engage me. I told her I was done being verbally abused by her. I told her that I deserved respect, and never called her names, so I wasn't going to talk to someone who called me names. So she called Therapist and informed her I was kicking her out of the house.

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It's amazing how she is always the victim.

I Did It

This morning we had a video for the offertory. Some people loved it. Some people were very unhappy about it, but no one complained directly to me. There were several people who told me they liked the whole service. This morning I was struggling with the issue of unanswered prayer in worship. It also reflected my current struggle with Daughter.

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I'm catching lots of anger right now that has absolutely nothing to do with me. Her last words to me last night were to call me a nasty name. I didn't wake her up this morning. I haven't initiated any conversation with her. Yet her first words to me this morning were full of anger. I'm tired of being her punching bag.

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It could be a very long day.

Dangerous

I am living dangerously. Tomorrow we will be using the projector we recently purchased in worship for the first time. It will play a video during the offering. It's a beautiful video that fits well with the sermon. Some people will be furious. Some may not stay when they see the screen there. It feels right, so I'm doing it. I'll remind them that this is about living out our vision statement and proclaiming the Good News in new ways. It will be interesting.

Three Friends

Daughter called me when she was almost home to tell me she hadn't called me today. I wouldn't have figured it out without that call. She was very excited when she got home. Super Supervisor was back. She told SS that if she didn't call me all day I'd take her to the concert tonight, so she was going to have to talk to SS if she was upset about anything. The one man was much calmer now that SS was back.

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How much impact did SS' absence have on Daughter? She was entirely different this evening. I was amazed by the change. Daughter asked me about my day, and when she heard that I had been to the nursing homes, she asked about the health of the residents by name. She expressed concern when she saw me rub my sore knee. She was cooperative at home. I'm going to have to talk to SS about these days off-- they are entirely too hard on Daughter (and me)!

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We went to the pizza buffet and then the concert. I set up my lawn chair near the back of the crowd. People start claiming their space at 1:00 in the afternoon, so by the time we get there, it's hard to find spots close enough to see the stage. There was a huge crowd there tonight, because there is also an annual festival going on in Town. That made parking a challenge.

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Daughter hooked up with workshop friends and was up front dancing with them. She also saw three of her high school friends. M is pregnant with her 2nd child. She caught her husband with another woman, so Monday she's going to start the divorce process. She's due next month, and she's supposed to be on bed rest. Somehow I don't think walking around Town pushing a toddler in a stroller is bed rest. She doesn't have a job. K was there with her older son. She had an infant she left home sleeping. Her husband is abusive. Neither of them are employed. N is also pregnant with her second child. She told Daughter she is working and happy. Daughter was talking about her friends on the way home about her 3 friends on the way home. All of these women were in Daughter's special ed classes. She was lamenting the way they are messing up their lives and the impact it is having on their children. She expressed no envy, and only appropriate concern. Like I said, I'm going to have to talk to Super Supervisor about not taking any more days off....

Three Smiles

I took communion out this afternoon and had some wonderful visits. The 92 year old woman I had with me asked about the cord for my GPS, so I demonstrated it for her. She thought it was wonderful.

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Daughter made it through the day without calling me, so we will be going to the concert this evening. She isn't home yet, so I don't know if she had Sub or Super Supervisor today.

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I received a call from my neighbor. They caught the man who assaulted her a year ago! They had been waiting for DNA results. He's been in jail for the last 5 months and is charged with abduction and assault. She is so happy, and was surprised by how much relief she felt. She said, "I assume you'll say a prayer of thanksgiving." Of course. Too bad she doesn't believe in God.

Friday

Daughter is off to the workshop, armed with a list of things she can do when she gets anxious that don't involve calling me. She is strongly motivated by the desire to attend the concert in the park tonight. One of her friends (and one who isn't caught up in all the drama) has earned the privilege of going to the concert, and Daughter wants to meet her there. Much to her annoyance, I reminded her of how many times I've given her another chance and suggested she do the same for Sub. She is now convinced that Sub almost killed her with insulin mistakes, so it is going to be a challenge for her to trust her.

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This morning I'm going to finish the sermon, and this afternoon I will pick up one of the saints and take communion to some of our shut-ins. I'm looking forward to the concert this evening, so I hope Daughter doesn't blow it. If I ignore her calls, can I pretend I didn't receive them so we can still go to the concert? Unfortunately, if I didn't answer her anxiety level would sky rocket as she tried to figure why I wasn't answering. If she does call, I'll convince myself I didn't want to go to the concert. There's a festival in Town this weekend which could make parking difficult to find. I don't want to have to walk far on my bad knee. It's amazing how much more it hurts now that I know I tore something....

Bribery

Sub was at the workshop today. I've had 3 calls from Daughter. The first time she was sobbing so hard she couldn't talk. The second time she claimed one of the men had flashed her (though no one else had seen it). I told her she can keep herself safe even when Super Supervisor isn't there. She told me she couldn't. I stood firm, suggested coping techniques, and let her finish the day. She should be arriving home soon.

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I've come up with a devious plan to get her to stay through the day tomorrow without all the phone calls. I'm going to tell her that if she makes it through the day without calling, I'll take her to the concert in the park tomorrow evening. Tomorrow the entertainment will be provided by a group that plays music by one of her favorite '60's groups. She asked me this week about when the concerts would start, and who would be playing at them.

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Hopefully something to look forward to will be the incentive she needs to get through the day without calling me. I call it an incentive, though some might call it bribery....

PTSD

Daughter was off yesterday evening. She spent much of it sleeping. I attributed it to a couple of things. She came home distressed and told me that Super Supervisor doesn't know what days she'll be there and what days she'll be gone, so she'll be spending more time with Sub. Daughter tried to explain why, but it didn't make sense.

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She overheard my phone conversations setting up an MRI for my knee and an appointment for a GI consult. She insisted on knowing what was going on, so I told her. I assured her I'd be fine, but she said she wished she hadn't asked.

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Somehow I missed a phone call yesterday afternoon from the workshop I listened to the voice mail this morning. It seems that they took a group of more seriously impaired individuals over to the gift shop for a field trip. One of the men took off his shirt (as he is prone to do). Daughter freaked out, proclaimed he was naked, covered her eyes and ran to the bathroom to hide. Sigh.

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I asked Daughter if anything had happened that had bothered her yesterday. She was tentative as she tried to figure out how much I knew. I had to ask several times, and finally she told me the story. In her version, he also took his pants off so he was just in his underwear. I was wondering how they'd managed to miss adding this detail in the account to me when she said, "Even though he's in a wheelchair he was able to do it." She also told me that Sub told her it was okay and he did it all the time.

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I see a failure to communicate. For Daughter, it was such a big thing she had to make it even bigger by having him remove his pants. For Sub, Daughter was over reacting and he does it all the time. I now have a better idea of why Daughter was not quite right yesterday evening. She told me at one point that she had too many things racing through her mind. Today I have a better idea of what some of those things are. Unfortunately, there aren't any easy answers. As Psychiatrist reminds me regularly, she has very limited coping skills. They are being stretched to the max right now.

And the Reason Is....

As I was heading towards City for an appointment, my cell phone rang. With a sinking feeling, I saw that it was Daughter. I answered, wondering what crisis she might have created to try to convince me to come pick her up. I was amazed at how happy she sounded. "Guess what!" She didn't give me time to guess before informing me that Super Supervisor was back. She'd just come in and and Sub was going to leave to go back to the workshop.

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I wonder what it would take to convince SS to never again take a day off....

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I'm facing knee surgery and endoscopy. Back in March I injured my knee. It seemed to be getting better until I decided it was time to move up to the 6 inch platform for my wii step. I finally decided I needed to go to the doctor. I tore something. She said I probably had a small tear after I fell, and then the taller step shredded it. They're going to schedule an MRI and get me in with an orthopedist.

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My ongoing heartburn that's not responding well to over the counter medications is a sign that I now need to see a GI specialist and get it scoped to determine the extent of the damage and see if I need my esophagus stretched.

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I'm feeling a bit old, but the bigger issue is going to be Daughter's response to all of this. She'll have to know, and she will totally freak out. She'll be convinced I'm dying. I'll wait to tell her. Maybe we can have a few good days now that SS is back before she finds out that I am human and begins her next decline....

Eenie, meenie, minie.....

Pick a reason. Daughter is struggling again. She called me about lunch time and wanted me to come get her because she was remembering things. I told her she needed to distract herself and to get out her ipod. Yesterday she lied to me about having made her bed (she's wetting the bed about every other night now). Today she came home and demanded to go back to the workshop because she can't stand to be away from her friends (many of whom are no longer attending the workshop).

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Among the possible reasons for the decline:

1. Concerns about Birth Brother in the army that were triggered by the Memorial Day Services yesterday.
2. PMS. Her period apparently started today.
3. The upcoming anniversary of my Mom's death (June 9th).
4. Contact with friends made possible when I gave her her cell phone back.
5. Concern about Sub being at the gift shop all week while Super Supervisor is on vacation.
6. A delayed reaction to the full moon on May 27 (I looked it up).
7. Fear brought on by her success (she told me today that she's not comfortable when she's happy because it isn't really her.)
8. The return of psychosis (she thought I was calling her this evening when I wasn't-- often a warning sign of psychosis-- I made up something so she wouldn't know I hadn't called her.)

She's supposedly trying to turn it around by doing her chores properly tonight. I hope she succeeds. I told her I know it's hard when Sub is in at the gift shop, but she wasn't going to leave the gift shop because of Sub. I also addressed some of the other possible causes. She told me she doesn't know what the problem is. I think that's an honest answer. It would be nice if I could determine the cause, but I probably won't ever know. We'll deal with the behavior and see if she can turn it around.

Memorial Day

We went to the community Memorial Day service yesterday, and Daughter was obviously distressed. I thought she was thinking about her grandparents, but as we talked following the services, it was her Birth Brother that was on her mind. He's in the military. Once again, she's wanting to make contact with her birth family.

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The last conversation with her birth mother resulted in a 3 psychiatric hospitalizations over the next couple of months. She wrote 2 letters to BB at that time, but he never responded. Psychiatrist has told her she needs to go a year without having a psychotic episode before she attempts contact again. Up until yesterday, she'd seem willing to accept no contact ever with any of them. Just looking at pictures a couple of months ago was enough to send her into a deep downward spiral.

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Yesterday was a down day for her. She was back to lying and not completing tasks. They're gong to have Sub all this week at the gift shop, which is slightly concerning to her. She also just doesn't do well with a completely unstructured day. She wanted to invite people over for a party yesterday-- she asked to do that late yesterday morning. I explained that wasn't something she could do at the last minute. It turned into a frustrating day for both of us.

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I'm very much aware that June 9th will be the first anniversary of Mom's death. A picture of Dad with Daughter and Short Niece taken a year ago has stirred up many memories. They were all so happy that day. It is a precious picture that I treasure. It is a gray, rainy day today. Hopefully a return to routine and a busy day will be good for both of us.