Christ Is Risen!

Snapshots of my Easter celebration:

The Sunrise Service is always stressful for me. I never know if our teens are going to get there on time (6:30) to run through things before the service begins at 7:00. Today they did a fantastic job. They spoke slowly and clearly. They had some great ideas for the service, and it went really well. I was very proud of them.

During the Sunrise Service I was standing in the back running the sound system. A 3 year old boy was sitting right in front of me, and he was turned around watching me. He couldn't figure out why I was in the back. When his mom told him they were coming to church, he said, "Good. I get to sit up front next to Reverend Mom and talk to her." He always sits right beside me for the children's sermon. I told his mom he needs to learn it's the front he's watching, not me....

I had a conversation with a young man who has a very difficult year-- his wife left him for another man. He was devastated. Here is where he's at with the whole thing now: "I look at it this way, I had 25 good and happy years, and then one bad year. I can't complain."

I was surprised to find that Easter had triggered some of my grief. I was expecting Thanksgiving and Christmas to be hard, but not Easter, so I was surprised to find it harder than either of those. Between services I looked over at a man who was standing there looking troubled. He lost a parent this year, too. We talked about our grief and found comfort in the knowledge we weren't alone.

This congregation can sing, and they sounded magnificent this morning-- we had a big crowd for the main service. I got to see lots of young adults who were home to celebrate. It was wonderful to hear about their school and work away from Tiny Village.

Throughout Lent, we have been talking about foundations. Today we began to talk about transformation. During the children's sermon, the cross we flowered at the Sunrise Service was lifted up on the foundation we built. One of the women told me after the service that that was so powerful it moved her to tears.

I love being a pastor. Today was a day that reminded me of how much I love it.

Daughter is sitting beside me with her head on my shoulder as we spend the afternoon watching DVD's. We began with Three Mo' Tenors and are now watching The Sound of Music. She finally managed to turn it around yesterday, and actually took care of some laundry and the upstairs bathroom.

Diversions

This morning I woke up to the sound of birds singing. I have the windows in my bedroom open, and I'm thoroughly enjoying the fresh air and the sounds of nature. After my workout, I cooked breakfast. I made some resurrection buns and some eggs with bacon, potatoes and cheese in them. I decided not to wake Daughter up, since I was pretty sure she would be ugly if I did. As I expected, the smells brought her downstairs. Once again she'd wet the bed, so I asked her to please take the linens from yesterday and put them in the dryer and bring her wet stuff down and put them in the washer. I told her I needed to do laundry, and I didn't want her stuff sitting in the machine all day today like it did yesterday. That set her off. She informed me she was moving out today.

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So, I got out my ipod out and got busy in the kitchen, making resurrection buns, bacon bits, a casserole and cheese cake for tomorrow, and various other things. She came down at one point and told me she felt stupid. I asked her what she was going to do to get off stupid. That made her mad again. I pointed out she was the only one who could change things. I spent 3 hours in the kitchen while she did nothing upstairs. At least she couldn't sneak the remote control upstairs today like she did yesterday, since it is now locked up, along with the medicine, insulin, knives and other sharp objects.

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She came downstairs and watched me dry and put away dishes (her job). As I listened to podcasts of worship services and choral music, I was able to focus on what I was doing. As I was putting the resurrection buns in individual boxes with Easter grass and jelly beans to distribute to the kids tomorrow morning, she asked if she could do something to help. I told her the bathrooms were still in need of cleaning. I gave up on her yesterday and cleaned the dining room and downstairs hall myself.

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I heard her call Therapist yesterday and tell her what the problem was, "I'm not doing my share around the house." She knows what she's doing. She knows it's her own doing. But she gets stuck on stupid and can't seem to move off it.

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I hope she follows through on what needs to be done today. I'm so tired of this. At least I have figured out that escaping into my ipod makes it easier for me to keep going in the midst of her ugliness. When I thanked her for taking some laundry upstairs today, she informed me, "I'm only doing mine." I repeated, "Thank you for putting it away." Not engaging her is hard, but keeping it her problem is key.

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Today I'm grateful for my ipod, which diverts me from the ugliness in my home and reminds me of God's love and grace-- for Daughter and me.

Entitlement

Daughter is displaying this amazing sense of entitlement. She's still refusing to do any chores, but she's asking me to do extra things for her. She has yet to transfer her wet linens to the dryer. When I told her she needed to get that done, she informed me that she was 23 years old, and she could take care of herself and make her own decisions. She didn't need me for anything.

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I wasn't a patient, loving mother in reply. I told her that was fine, she could do her own cooking and figure out her own insulin and medication. I told her she'd have to buy the food, too. She has $1.48. That's what she earned at the workshop in the last 2 weeks. When you refuse to work, you don't earn any money. Apparently she doesn't think the same rules apply at home. At home, Mom should be at your beck and call, even when you are not only refusing to do any chores, and are not even picking up after yourself. Stealing food items that Mom has purchased for specific purposes doesn't do much to endear you to Mom, either.

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Obviously, I will end up helping with the insulin and medication. I can't let her have the insulin right now, she'd take extra for sure. She used the last daily pill box yesterday, and I haven't refilled them yet, in part because her prescription refills are now out of sync and I don't have enough of some of her meds to fill the full month. I had planned to fill enough to at least get us through the weekend, but for some reason, I'm no longer motivated to do that.

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I preached about how Jesus calls us to an active love that serves others and is unconditional last night. I still love her, but I'm tired of serving her right about now.

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Right after posting this, I found this article. Interesting.

Trade Offs

Yesterday afternoon Daughter decided that I'm not the enemy after all. That's good news, and she was cooperative yesterday evening, which was a welcome change. In fact, after worship, she gathered up the candles and candle holders from the tenebrae service and took care of them without being asked. She was quite patient as we tried to figure out the visual display for Easter morning.

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Unfortunately, there are trade offs. So after a number of nights without wetting the bed, she wet it last night. She's already frustrated this morning. She was in here chattering about what fun we were going to have today. I reminded her that I need to work. I asked her to take care of her bedroom-- specifically all the dirty clothes that have once again been dumped on her floor. Instead, she decided she was going to draw pictures. She wants to go shopping to City to buy supplies for her artwork. Of course, she has no money since she has been refusing to work at the workshop. It's certainly a realistic plan-- Mom has told me she needs to work, that means she can take me to City which is 45 minutes away to buy me art supplies which she will pay for since I don't have any money. It won't be a problem that I haven't done any chores around the house all week.

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Even with all that, if she's not sleeping all the time or raging, it's progress and I'll take it....

Guilt

When Daughter gets down in her hole, she feels guilty, and the guilt becomes crippling to her. She doesn't think she deserves to be happy. So, for the most part, I'm careful not to add to her guilt. I seek to issue invitations to her to get out of her hole. So, yesterday she came home and I asked her how her day had been. She studied me, trying to figure out how much I knew. I suggested it would be simpler if she just told me the truth. She stormed off, refusing to tell me anything.

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After sleeping in her room for several hours, she came down for supper. I asked her when she was going to become a contributing part of the household again. She told me she couldn't answer that. She sat and watched as I did her chore of emptying the dishwasher. She ate supper. I asked her if she knew anything about some cookies that were missing from the church freezer. She didn't respond, but I could tell she was responsible. "Where's the container?"

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"Upstairs."

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"Go get it."

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She brought it down and I told her that she would have to write a letter apologizing to the woman who had left the leftover cookies from a dinner in the freezer to use at some later event.

She came and sat by me in the study. I again invited her to tell me about her day, and told her I already knew about much of it. She got mad and decided to call Psychiatrist so she could go back to the hospital. I told her Psychiatrist's office was closed.

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She returned to her room to sleep some more. I called her down to get her night time pills and insulin. Again I asked her when she thought she'd be ready to turn it around. Again she refused to answer.

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This morning I made her eat her breakfast in the living room where I was doing my exercise. I again asked if she thought she might become a contributing member of the household. Now keep in mind, I ask these questions once-- seeking information. No lectures, no yelling, just a simple question.

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Before she left she told me I needed to get off her back. I pointed out to her that I wasn't on her back. I wasn't telling her what to do. I wasn't yelling at her for not doing things. I wasn't doing any more than asking her when she was going to turn things around. I told her all those bad feelings were coming from her own feelings of guilt, not me. I told her I hoped she'd turn it around. I reminded her that I love her. She informed me I shouldn't. I told her she couldn't change the fact that I love her. When I tried to hug her, she pushed me away. The attention she was lavishing on Kitten prompted the exchange I posted earlier today.

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She called me a little while ago. It was her first call of the day, which surprised me. She had a low blood sugar this morning. Her blood sugars were normal now, but she wasn't feeling good. She wanted to know if I could come get her. I told her I was glad her blood sugars were now normal, and that unfortunately, I didn't have time. I was very busy, and the fact that I was having to cover her chores, too, was eating into my time. I told her I was sure that she would be fine, and that once she decided to do her work, I'd have more time and would be able to do things like coming to get her. My response probably added to her guilt, but it was an honest answer. I don't have an extra hour today to go get her. I have a worship service tonight and things I have to get done this afternoon.

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I hope for both of our sakes she decides to get out of her hole soon. If she's not in her bedroom or at the workshop right now, she has to be where I can see her, as she has become too adept at sneaking food. Today is her last day at the workshop until Tuesday. It could be a very long 4 days....

A Glimpse of Humor

Daughter has dug a deep, dark hole, and is unwilling to do the things she needs to do to get out of it. To say being around her is unpleasant would be an understatement. This morning she wouldn't let me hug her good bye. She was telling Kitten good bye and how much she loved her. I said, "Maybe if I became a cat you would be nice to me."

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She was headed out the door, but she turned around and came back into my study. She waved an imaginary magic wand and said, "Flickety-flick." She stood and studied me for a minute and said, "Sorry, didn't work." With that she turned and walked out the door.

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It's not much, but today I will celebrate a glimpse of humor. I will view it as a sign of hope.

Incident Reports

Daughter earned two incident reports at the workshop today. Yesterday she told us about her plan for staying away from Flasher. She practiced it. She told us that she wasn't ready for a boyfriend and was not going to look for one. Today she went to the workshop and spent the whole day ignoring the supervisor's attempts to redirect her away from Flasher. She hit him. She stood up and cursed loudly at everyone in the workshop.

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Of course, she didn't tell me none of this. In the phone calls, she insisted she was staying away from Flasher and wasn't being treated right. Case Manager called to fill me in. CM said this was the first they had seen of this behavior at the workshop, in the past she's saved the anger and acting out for me. When she got home, I asked her about her day. I could see her mind working as she tried to figure out how much I knew. I told her it would be easier if she just told me the truth, and then she wouldn't have to worry about what I knew. Instead, she decided to tell me nothing. She retreated to her room and has been there most of the evening. When she goes to her room, she sleeps. I don't know how she can sleep this much, but she does. When she came down for supper, and I asked her if she intended to do any housework this evening. She told me to get off her back. I pointed out I wasn't on her back-- all I had done was ask her questions, and when she refused to answer them, I hadn't pushed. I'm going to have to call her down to take her insulin and night time pills soon.

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Tomorrow Flasher won't be at the workshop, so it will be interesting to see how she does. I'm not sure what I'm going to do about next week yet. Right now I'm taking it one day at a time.

How to Make Mom Crazy

Daughter truly is resourceful and talented when it comes to pushing my buttons. I think it's high time that I recognize and honor her ability here on my blog. So, in honor of her ability to make me yell, I offer you this list:

• Holy Week is always a good time to push Mom. As she is trying to plan sermons and worship services, tell her you want to have fun with her.
• Anytime she asks you to do a chore, fall asleep.
• When she is on the phone, sneak away with the remote control for the satellite. Tell her you're cleaning your room while you're watching TV in the den.
• Always wait until after all the laundry is done to find all your dirty clothes and put them in the hamper.
• Tell Mom that Kitten is always using the litter box and that you are cleaning it everyday. When she takes an electrician into the litter box room, allow her to discover that you've been lying and that Kitten isn't using the litter box and you haven't been cleaning up after her.
• Tell Mom you took care of the blankets she had to wash because you wet the bed and then stuff them beside the dryer on top of the vent.
• Always use the last piece of toilet paper. Never hang a new roll.
• Eat the marshmallows she bought and hid to make resurrection buns for the Sunday morning children's sermon so that she can spend an hour making an extra trip to town to buy more.
• Take advantage of anytime she can't see you to sneak more food, and then assure her you haven't eaten anything and you don't understand why your blood sugar is so high.
• Always leave the light on when you go down to the basement to get something. This works so well, never turn off a light.
• When she is in a hurry, always take your time. She needs to slow down, so give her that opportunity every chance you get. It is especially helpful to stand outside the car with the door open asking questions when you're late for an appointment.
• When she discovers the clothes you have hidden on the closet floor on one side of your closet, deal with those, but make sure you dump other things on the floor on the other side of your closet.
• Insist that you don't want to help with this month's senior luncheon and that you need to be at the workshop.
• When you know she is going to be busy with the senior luncheon call her (repeatedly) sobbing and insisting she has to come get you right now.
• Let her know that she is making your life a living h***.

Fortunately, she has been at the workshop all day today and will be at the workshop all day tomorrow. Even better, she will be at the workshop 4 days next week. She will be at the workshop 4 days next week no matter what happens.

RAD Puppy

I was talking to Sister today when the call was interrupted. She said it was the Dog Trainer returning her call. When she called me back she explained that the vet had referred her to DT after Puppy displayed some alarmingly aggressive behavior. They got Puppy from a rescue organization last fall.

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DT listened to Sister's description of the problem and asked her how long Puppy had been with the rescue people. He want on to explained that the behavior she is describing is common in dogs who have been separated from their mother too soon. He said that dogs learn their socialization skills from their mothers, and that 2 to 8 weeks is the critical time. He went on to explain that the cure is for Puppy to come to trust her completely. Puppy needs to know that she can be trusted to control the situation.

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I listened with growing amazement, "You have a RAD puppy!"

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She sighed, "I know."

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DT doesn't know if they will be able to get Puppy to trust so completely that the aggression can be controlled. He is coming out after Sister's vacation to evaluate Puppy. Even for dogs that early bond with mom is key for their emotional well being. Even for dogs the lack of that bond can lead to aggressive behavior later.

Getting It

The church has decided to update the electrical in this house, which was built in 1900. Today an electrician came by to check things out. It was a gift. I didn't have to explain why there was an alarm on Daughter's door, the only furniture was a mattress on her floor, and the room smelled of urine. I didn't have to apologize for the fact that the rest of her furniture was spread throughout the rest of the second floor.

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He saw the locked box on the kitchen counter and said they had one like that at one time. Then one of the kids took a screwdriver to the lock and destroyed it. He is the parent of adoptive children and at one time did therapeutic foster care (until their daughter accused them of abuse). He understood. He's living this life. We talked-- and part of our conversation was even about the electrical needs of the house.

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School was closed today because of fog, so Secretary's 4 foster sons were in the office with Daughter. It was a nice enough day that we sent them over to the park to play basketball. I shouldn't say this, but for Tuesday of Holy Week I think I'm in fairly decent shape. Maundy Thursday and Easter Sunrise bulletins are printed, and the main service Easter is ready to print. I've got a sermon outline outline for Thursday evening, and the liturgy is all done. Sunrise is pretty much set. This afternoon we have a meeting at the workshop about Daughter's return. She thinks she's ready to go back 5 days a week now. We'll see. She's been dry the last two nights.

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It's a relief to have things going more smoothly at the moment. I will enjoy it as long as it lasts.

Expectations

Tuesday Daughter and C cleaned her room (again). Currently she has a mattress and a lamp in it. Every day I've been reminding her to take care of her room. This morning I discovered that she had a huge pile of dirty clothes in the corner and she'd thrown clean clothes on the floor of her closet (again).

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I asked her, "Is it expecting too much to want you to take care of your clothes?"

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"No. You're not expecting too much."

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"So what needs to happen so you will take care of them?"

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"You need to keep reminding me and check to make sure I do it."

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Before we headed to Town, she sorted all the dirty clothes and put them in the hamper. When we got home, I reminded her about her room.

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"It's done."

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"Did you hang up the clothes on the closet floor?"

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"Yes, I did."

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"Okay, come on, I'll check it with you."

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"Okay, fine. I didn't do it."

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"Well you'd best go take care of them now."

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There are only a couple of items she needs to take care of. But since that time she's snuck food, slammed doors, yelled choice thoughts at me, pouted in her room, and is currently sitting in a living room chair with her backed turned towards me sleeping. She hasn't taken care of the clothes. I'm back to wondering if I expect too much from her.

God Is Good. All the Time.

This morning in worship our theme was praising. The children came in waving their palm branches, and they sang a wonderful little song that was set to a familiar folk tune. It took me a few minutes, but I finally identified the song: What do you do with a drunken sailor? I found that amusing. As I talked to them during the children's time, I taught them a call and response.

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Call: God is Good

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Response: All the time.

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Call: All the time.

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Response: God is good.

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The kids really got into it. I asked them if they thought the congregation could do it. They didn't, which was rather amusing. So we tried it with the congregation, and the congregation liked it. I kept them awake for my sermon by throwing that in every so often.

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I've been pondering God's goodness this week. Daughter is more stable for now, and hopefully will continue to improve and have several months of stability before the next crisis. In the midst of the challenges with Daughter, it can be very hard to stay positive and see God's goodness. I know I was called to be Daughter's mom, and I tell myself God didn't call me to her for it to end in disaster. When she is stuck in her downward spiral, that can be hard to remember. Just because I don't remember it doesn't mean it isn't true.

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We are now officially in Holy Week. Secretary has an appointment with a surgeon on Wednesday. Already we can see God's hand at work in her health problems. She needs surgery on some torn ligaments in her knee. She had presurgical tests done, one of which was a chest x-ray. The chest x-ray showed a mass, which led to a CT scan. The CT scan showed something in the lymph nodes, which led to a PET scan. The PET scan shows that the mass on the lung is probably a calcification and is not a cause for concern. The lymph nodes, though, are a problem. If this is cancer, it was discovered before she had symptoms because of an injured knee. Like I said, God is good. All the time.

Saying No

Wednesday night, when Daughter was at basketball skills practice, one of her former boyfriends wanted to start up again. This particular one is currently in trouble with the law for sexting his current girl friend's cousin, who is way under 18. She told him no, and reminded him he was with someone else. She called me yesterday at lunch time and was upset because Sexting was mad at her for reporting their conversation to his current (now former) girl friend. The story had expanded, and he had told her he was going to do anything he could to get her pregnant. I told her she had been right to tell him no and shifted her focus to her birthday celebration last night.

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This morning, as she was getting ready for her state tournament today, she told me she needed to tell me about something that had happened last night. Flasher had called her (using Nice Guy's cell phone) after she had gone to bed. He wanted to know how long he had to stay away from her and when they could get back together. She says she told him no, too. She also reported that another of her friends at the workshop is pregnant.

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I'm inclined to believe her. I'm pleased that she's been saying no. I'm concerned about the culture at the workshop and the current focus on couples, sex and pregnancy. The fact (if it is a fact) that she has turned down two overtures is an indication that she is getting stronger. She may be able to spend more time at the workshop. The pressure she is getting, though, is concerning. Will they wear her down? Even if she is setting good boundaries, it doesn't mean her friends will respect them. Many of them have issues beyond their developmental handicaps. They have a difficult time accepting and respecting boundaries. I will continue to do everything I can to strengthen Daughter, and hopefully she will continue to have the strength to say no.

In the Card Aisle

Today is Daughter's 23rd birthday. With everything that has been going on, I hadn't done any shopping for it until today. Yesterday I asked her what she wanted and we picked some place to go out for supper. This morning I had a breakfast appointments with a member who wanted to talk, and after I dropped her off, I headed to the super store.

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I stood in the card aisle searching for an appropriate birthday card. I don't want to tell her how proud I am when she is feeling ashamed of herself for wetting the bed every night. I don't want to encourage her to follow her dreams, because many of them are unrealistic due to her limitations. The cards for young adults talk about how they are still in our thoughts even when they are away. Daughter is not only in my thoughts, she's in my house. I didn't want a kid's card, but most of the cards for adults weren't appropriate. I didn't want to go with humor, because I wanted something that assured her of my love, even in the challenging times. I finally found one that I thought would work and headed to the grocery side of the store.

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I wandered the aisles fighting tears. Birthdays are a time of celebration, and I celebrate the gift of Daughter's life. I am glad that I adopted her, even though there are times when it is hard. I would do it all over again. Birthdays are also a time for reflecting on growth and progress. As I wandered the aisles of the store, my thoughts were on all the things Daughter can't do. By the time I turned 23, I had finished college and one semester of seminary. Far Away Sister was married and working as an electrical engineer on her 23rd birthday. Both of us were following our dreams.

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Daughter has dreams, too. Unfortunately, not many of them are realistic. She's not going to be able to become a nurse like Grandma. She isn't going to be an ice skater competing in the Olympics (last week's dream-- I pointed out that she hadn't even been able to handle roller skates). Marriage is probably beyond her. She wants to adopt a child, but she can't even take care of herself. I find myself grieving for all the things she will never experience, all the things she will never be able to do.

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But then my reflections go in another direction. Is it our accomplishments that define us? Our society says it is. For many years I thought it was for me. For a long time I didn't feel like I was "good enough." I'm not sure what it meant to be "good enough," that was beyond me. When I was working in the inner city, I often proclaimed that God didn't make any junk. I'm not sure I believed it, though.

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Many of the things I was taught to value are beyond Daughter. She'll never graduate from college or be capable of intellectual conversation. Most likely, she'll never be able to live independently. She's not going to be able to drive. Yet even with all her limitations, she is a much loved child of God. Even with all the things she can't do, I am grateful that she is my Daughter. She has taught me that our value lies not in what we do, but in who we are. While I grieve all the things she will never be able to do, I love her for who she is. Today I will celebrate her life, not because of what she has accomplished, but because she is my Daughter. I think that is a lesson our society would do well to learn. Our value lies in who we are, not what we do. God loves us because we are God's children, not because we do great things.

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Today, as Daughter turns 23, I will celebrate her life. Yes, there is some grief, but there is always more joy. God is good. All the time.

Light Bulb Moments

I took Daughter to see Psychiatrist this afternoon. Daughter told Psychiatrist that she needed to get back to the workshop full time because, "Mom doesn't like having me home."

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I was shocked and dismayed. "It's not that I don't like having you home. It's very difficult for me to work when you are at home."

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Psychiatrist then asked Daughter if she was needy and clingy when she was at home. Daughter acknowledged that this was the case.

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Psychiatrist told me she doesn't see this as a medication issue, but a developmental issue. She explained what she thought was going on to me while Daughter sat there shut down. When we got to the car, Daughter told me she didn't understand what Psychiatrist was talking about and it had bothered her. So I explained. I told her that Psychiatrist thought that part of Daughter wanted to move out and stand as an adult and live in a group home or supported living. There is also part of her that wants to stay with me and have me take care of her and keep her safe. Daughter immediately said, "Well she's right."

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I went on to explain that we had talked about how she needed to move into a group home, but we would wait until after we had moved and then after we'd been there about a year so she was comfortable with the area. I said, "Let's put it this way, you are going to turn 23 tomorrow. The whole time you are 23 you will be living with me. She clarified this a bit, and said, "That sounds real good." I could hear the relief in her voice.

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This morning when she came downstairs I had her breakfast and lunch ready and waiting for her so she could eat in the living room and I could supervise her while I was doing my exercises. I followed her into the kitchen to take care of her dirty dishes and put her linens in the washing machine. I was silent, but she was talking about how she was too old to be wetting the bed and it was embarrassing and she couldn't have friends over because of it.

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Do I think we're through this crisis? I am cautiously optimistic. I think at the very least she is thinking more clearly a little more connected with reality. I'm hoping she can return to the workshop full time next week.

Dad's Corned Beef and Stuff

Since Linda B asked, there isn't really a recipe, but here's how I cooked it. I have a pasta pot with an insert. Occasionally I use it for pasta, but most of the time I use it for other things, such as steaming meat. I put water in the bottom of the pan, dumped the spice packet in that came with the corned beef, and then put it on to cook. I had it hot enough to simmer, but didn't want it boiling so hard that it came up over the meat. This time I didn't need to add additional water, but sometimes I do. It was a small piece of meat, and it took several hours to cook. I cooked it until it reached 160 degrees (Fahrenheit). When it was up to temperature, I pulled it out of the pan, let it sit for a couple of minutes, and then sliced it (make sure you cut corned beef across the grain).

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I don't like the cabbage, potatoes, and carrots, though Dad used to do those. He'd put them in the water to cook after he'd pulled out the corned beef. He loved cabbage soup. I've never been a big fan of it. Anyway, that's how I did it. We've finished most of it now.

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I had a wonderful surprise this evening. C stopped by with her niece, who was born prematurely and might be up to 5 lbs now. She's beautiful, and very tiny. It made my evening.

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Two churches have now called me to set up phone interviews during Holy Week. I told the woman who called tonight that I couldn't believe these committees think we're available Holy Week for interviews. Of course I agreed to the interview. The two interviews next week are with suburban churches in more upscale communities. I've been contaminated by almost 14 years in Tiny Village. I don't know if I can do suburbia anymore. Plus, the suburbia I grew up in was definitely not upscale. God will provide the right place at the right time....

Six Months of Grief

This week I cooked corned beef I had purchased for St Patrick's Day and then hadn't had time to cook. Dad was quite the cook, and he believed that boiling corned beef and beef briskets turned them into tough shoe leather. He always steamed them. So, I steamed mine. It is delicious, of course. I was thinking about how in the past I would have called him to see how long he thought it would take and ask if he had any pointers. He would have called me to find out how it turned out. I would have been required to describe the flavor and texture, and report on how anyone else who had eaten it had liked it-- especially Daughter. I had a moment's regret-- I should have asked more questions while he was alive, and written down and preserved his answers and memories.

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Last night I was puttering in the kitchen, and my thoughts turned to how I've changed since Mom's death 9 months ago and Dad's death almost 6 months ago. I feel more adult, somehow. It doesn't make sense. I am 52 years old, and so I've been an adult for a very long time. I've adopted a child, purchased (and sold) a house, bought numerous cars, invested money, completed 2 degrees, and done all the things adults do. The last few years, I was often playing the role of parent in my relationship with Mom and Dad. I helped them choose a retirement home, helped them prearrange funerals, helped Dad with computer and financial issues. So it doesn't make sense that I now feel more like an adult.

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A friend told me about a conversation she had a number of years ago with some colleagues. They told her that a man isn't truly a man until his father dies. They had shared that with her when she commented on the changes she'd seen in her brother after their father's death. Her brother had suddenly become more responsible, more mature. Yet I've been responsible for years. There had been a time when my parents would come spend a week taking care of Daughter so I could go to a conference. They hadn't been able to do that for years. I'd been standing on my own. I wasn't borrowing money from them or looking to them for financial assistance. If anything, my responsibilities have shrunk since their death.

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And yet still I feel older and more adult now than I did six months ago. It might not make sense, but it is very real to me. What has changed? Why do I feel this way? I think part of it is my relationships with my siblings have changed. I'm closer to Far Away Sister and not as connected with Brother. We no longer connect with one another on the basis of our parents' needs, but on the basis of our own individual families. We're talking about Tall Niece's college plans and Short Niece's lessons. We're discussing our own health issues, not Mom and Dad's. Brother, at 40, is headed to a cardiologist for a cath-- he flunked his stress test. He informed me that he beat me-- I was 50 when I had mine.

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Remembering the family history is now our responsibility. We are the ones who need to pass it down to our children. We're telling them stories of people they never knew. We're all facing our mortality: updating (or getting) wills, establishing trusts, dealing with health issues, some of them serious. Our parents are no longer there to rescue us. We have to be able to stand on our own. As I was reflecting on these feelings, I decided that overall, it's a good place to be. I'm comfortable with who I am. For the first time in my life I have the financial freedom to hire the help I need with Daughter and buy new gadgets for the kitchen. I can afford to be a bit more generous with my charities. Last week I received an invitation from my seminary to a donor's dinner. The donation I sent them last year had resulted in much more gratitude and recognition. Last night I received a phone call from a senior at my college, asking if I could increase my support of their annual fund this year. When I agreed to double it, she said, "Wow!" She sounded so young. It wasn't that much money, but she was certainly thrilled. It wasn't enough to get invited to their donor dinner, but it was enough that she was pleased and grateful.

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Part of this feeling is connected to the change in my personal finances, I'm sure. But much more of it is other things, things I will probably never be able to identify or completely understand. I'm grateful. I'm grateful for the time I had with my parents and the lessons they taught me. I miss them, and I am grateful for all they did to make me the person I am today. I couldn't consult with Dad this week, but I was able to cook wonderfully tender corned beef thanks to all he taught me. I am grateful for the foundation they gave me on which to build my life. They are gone, but their love and hard work are bearing fruit in the lives of their children and grandchildren.

New Challenges

Well, how rubberized I've become is about to be tested. Secretary went in for presurgical testing for a knee repair she had scheduled for after Easter. They found a mass on her lung. The CT scan showed something in her lymph nodes. She goes for another test tomorrow. One of the saints is taking her-- she thought it unnecessary, but we insisted. I'd offered, but Saint is retired and has more time than I have, so it makes sense to let her do it.

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We had a productive morning in the office, but I am very aware that she may be out of commission next week. The x-ray was Friday, CT scan yesterday, and another test tomorrow. I have already figured out what I will do to cover if she's not able to work, but I hope and pray that won't be necessary. She is a therapeutic foster parent for an RTC, and currently has 4 teenage boys. This will be very scary for those boys, especially the one who's adoptive mother was killed by her husband. Keep them all in your prayers, please.

Rubberized

I was contemplating the things I've been doing to strengthen me and keep me focused while Daughter is being so challenging. This morning I received the weekly mailing from a life coach who works with pastors. He offers a free weekly email of tips. This morning he was talking about "rubberizing." It's part of being resilient, and being able to bounce back from challenges and stresses.

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I loved that idea, and the way God sent me a word to explain what I have been doing. Now most of you have never seen me. I'm obese, unathletic, totally lacking in coordination. Exercise and I have never gotten along. As of today, I've only missed 3 days using the wii fit this month, and one of those days was the day after I fell and injured my knee.

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I'm doing 10 minutes of yoga for the stretching-- but none of the exercises that require balance, like standing on one leg. I'm doing 13 minutes of rhythm boxing, and the last two days I've been at 30 minutes of free step. During the free step, I listen to a podcast-- a sermon, teaching or some other thing that connects me to God.

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I have discovered that what they say is true-- I have more energy, feel better, and am more focused when I begin the day with exercise and with God. I'm ending the day by listening to a podcast of evening prayer when I go to bed. I've yet to hear the entire podcast, because I'm quickly asleep.

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I am rubberizing myself with exercise and God, and that is what will get me through the challenges of Holy Week, Daughter, and whatever else life throws my way.

Moving

Last night we had a board meeting. Since five strangers appeared in worship two weeks ago, people have figured out that I am looking for a new call and maybe moving soon. So, it came up at the meeting and we had a discussion. The responses were interesting.

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There was dismay: "Is it something we've done?"

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There was anger: "We have a right to know if you're thinking of leaving. Why didn't you tell us?"

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There was fear: "We don't want to be without a pastor. Can't we start looking for a new one now?"

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There were threats: "I told those people you are a heavy drinker." (I think he was joking.)

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We had an interesting discussion. I explained that I felt like my work here was done, and that it was time for them to hear a fresh voice. I indicated that I knew there were people who thought I should have gone some time ago. I explained that I wanted to find someplace that would have more options for Daughter.

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They see the church as healthy, growing, and moving forward. They like my preaching. They would prefer I stay. I know there is one family where there are some members who are very frustrated with me. Two of them are currently on the board. One said that there were a couple of men with big mouths who aren't going to control the direction of the church. He basically dismissed them as blowhards. He also commented on how attached some of the women are to me. He told me that he didn't make decisions based on his kids, though he acknowledged my situation with Daughter is a bit different. The other person from that family acknowledged that they have some very lively discussions at family gatherings. I don't doubt that at all.

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I told them I may still be here in 5 years, but if I do receive a call, I will give them 6 weeks notice. I also strongly recommended that they get an interim pastor to help guide them through the time between called pastors.

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I talked about the progress we've made, especially in terms of accepting change. Part of our vision statement talks about communicating the unchanging news in new ways. We talked about how the congregation had not only come to accept the new ways, but expect it. When I went in to get readers for this Wednesday's worship service, I had ready volunteers.

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Perhaps the man who seemed most dismayed has a father and grandfather who have made my life very difficult at times.

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I also apologized for being distracted the last few weeks, and outlined the steps I have taken to assure that Daughter's ability to disrupt my work is minimized. I haven't posted about her today, not because she's not here or is greatly improved, but because I am doing a better job of avoiding getting sucked in to her drama.

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All in all, it was a good, productive meeting. Today has been a productive day, as well. My part of the newsletter is completely done. Once Secretary finishes her part tomorrow morning, it will be ready to go.