It's Over

Daughter broke up with Nice Guy yesterday evening. She was upset about the things he was saying about me. He was insisting that they needed to go to the courthouse and get married right away. I was impressed. When I consider how much she struggled with breaking up with Flasher, I'm very impressed.

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While I know God will call us to the right place at the right time, I really hope the place is the church I've been talking to and the time is now. It would still be late September before we moved (at the earliest), but that's okay. Daughter needs a fresh start, and I need new challenges. Of course, God knows all of that. We're back to waiting.

Romance Trouble

Daughter "slipped" and told Nice Guy that we might be moving. To say he was unhappy would be an understatement. He demanded to talk to me and informed me that if I moved, Daughter was staying here with him. I told him that wouldn't happen. Daughter, of course, was quite distressed about all the drama. She had an interesting insight, though, "With Nice Guy, it's always about him and what he wants." She also told me she was having troubled finding her voice to tell him what she wants. But here's the good news: She's not telling me she wants to stay here with him. For her, that's not an issue. As I type this, she has fallen asleep with her head on my arm.

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I'm a little frustrated that she told him, but I do understand why. I've always given her a list of people she could talk to about the move, and told her she needs to limit herself to talking to just those people. I told NG he wasn't to talk about this, and that we might not move at all. I told him he needed to slow down and take it one step at a time. He said it was too hard, and he always had girlfriends move away. I told him that if he thought it would be too hard, he could break up with her now. He doesn't want to do that, but if he doesn't stop pressuring Daughter, she may break it off.

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I'm sure that most of the congregation identified our guests as a search committee. That's okay. It's hard on them, but it's okay. They need to hear a new pastor just as much as I need a new congregation. We've done well together, but it's time for a change. God will call me to the right place at the right time.

Hearing God

In May I decided that I would be preaching a sermon called, "Worried and Distracted" today. The passage was the story from Luke where Martha comes to Jesus and complains that her sister, Mary, is sitting listening to him while she's doing all the work. He tells her she's worried and distracted about many things, and that Mary has chosen the better part, which will not be taken away from her.

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Now here comes the twist. All week I've been balancing preparing the sermon with preparing to host 3 guests for brunch immediately following the service. Both went well. Daughter did well with the whole morning. Our visitors liked the sermon and were commenting on specific parts of it. They were more comfortable with the order of worship than they were when I preached at a friend's church. I had told them how small and isolated Tiny Village is, but they hadn't grasped it until they came here today.

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They brought a fruit salad and banana bread. I had made 3 salads, 2 quiches and muffins. They liked everything and were amazed that I invited them to come to brunch following the service. I think they will call me, but if they don't, I will know I've given it my best shot and that God has some place better in mind. I hope we will all be able to hear God's voice in all of this, and will have the faith to follow wherever it is God leads. Daughter commented after they left that there was a little part of her that was afraid to leave, but a bigger part of her that wanted to move. Now that she's talking about her feelings, it will be easier to deal with them. Interestingly, she was dry last night.

Better Late than Never

Daughter managed to turn it around yesterday evening. I think she figured if she wanted supper, she'd best show some cooperation. She gave me a couple of hours of work. S-L-O-W work, but work. The kitchen is clean. The laundry is done. The table is set and with 3 leaves and table protectors removed, it is now a dining table, not a conference table. The desk in my study is still cluttered, but that's the normal state of affairs. I might clear some of it off this morning, but for now, it's time to get in the shower and begin to get ready. I even finalized and printed out the liturgy and sermon yesterday, and I got to bed at a decent hour.

and Then Comes the Bad Day...

So after a good day yesterday, Daughter is having a terrible day today. I invited the three women who are coming to experience worship here tomorrow to join us for brunch following worship. Daughter had promised to help me with the preparations. I let her sleep in this morning, and when she came down she was relatively chipper. I figured out a different breakfast that she wanted. I had begun working on making quiche. She wanted to know if she could help in the kitchen, and I told her she could. She asked about music, and I told her that was a good idea, so she vanished to start some music to energize us for the work.

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Then she vanished into the bathroom, where she complained of some intestinal misery. When she came out, I told her she needed to go wash her hands, and to fill the soap container in the bathroom. I knew it was empty because I'd had to wash my hands in the kitchen after using the back porch bathroom. She insisted she had washed them with soap. I assured her I knew she couldn't have. She finally went out and added a little soap to the dispenser. I asked her to fill it up completely. That set her off.

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She stopped the music and stormed off, announcing she was done. I told her that was fine, but she wasn't to get on the computer. I expected her to come back relatively quickly, as she often does. Nope. I went investigating. She was on the computer. I confiscated the computer. She went upstairs and packed and announced she was leaving. This has become complicated by the fact that she now has a boyfriend with a car, and because the last time she left she actually walked 1 1/2 miles out of Tiny Village and I had to go get her. I informed her she wasn't leaving. She didn't have to help, but I didn't have time to go chasing her down, and I didn't need the stress of worrying about her. She informed me she is 23 years old and it's none of my business where she goes or what she does.

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She has spent the rest of the day pouting. She has informed me she will kick the women out if they try to come here tomorrow. I have spent the day listening to podcasts and cooking. I've made quiche lorraine, spinach quiche, tortellini salad, tuna salad, broccoli salad, and whole wheat muffins. I'm on my third load of laundry. Now I have to go get the dining room ready. Converting the table from a conference table to a dining table will involve removing some leaves, which will be a challenge without Daughter. I've given up on the thought that she will be able to turn it around. My mistake was in thinking that eventually she would pull it together and help me.

The Date

Daughter called late yesterday afternoon and wanted to know if instead of meeting Nice Guy in town, he could just come here for supper. She thought she'd feel safer that way. I told her we'd talk about it when she got home. I was impressed that she was acknowledging her discomfort and seeking ways to feel safe. Unfortunately, when we got home (I was gone all day), I got involved with a phone call, I finally suggested that since we didn't have anything planned for supper at home, I could tell NG that I wasn't going to eat alone and sit with them at the restaurant. She decided it would be okay if I just sat near them.

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We parked and I set up my lawn chair in the park, and then began to walk to the restaurant. NG showed up as we were walking, and I let Daughter walk with him as I fell behind. When they got the restaurant, Daughter waited and came back to me, asking if they could go in first and get started. I explained that was why I was hanging back. I waited until they were seated to go get my own table a booth away from them.

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Daughter stopped by my table to show me the food she'd gotten from the buffet so I could give her her insulin. Daughter complained later that Flasher was texting and calling NG throughout their supper. NG finally put his phone on speaker on the table, and Flasher told them he was going to help them with their wedding. So much for no discussion of marriage until Daughter brought it up.

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After supper we headed over to the park separately. I settled into my waiting chair and they connected with various friends. Part way through the first half, Daughter came to ask me if it was okay if they went up to the front and danced. I said that would be fine, though I thought it was strange that she was asking my permission. I figured it was an excuse for checking in with me. I thought it was interesting that they weren't the first up on the stage when the band called for volunteers, and wondered that I didn't see them as I made my way to the restrooms right before intermission. During intermission, Daughter called. "Is the concert over yet?"

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"No, it's intermission. Where are you?"

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"We're out driving around in an air conditioned car. It was too hot there."

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"Wrong. You need to get back to the concert."

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They were among the volunteers on stage during the second half of the concert to dance to the twist and YMCA. On the way home I told Daughter that she wasn't to go off with NG in his car without talking to me first.

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"Fine. I'll just never go on another date."

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She is so inconsistent. She's afraid to eat with him in a restaurant, but willingly gets in a car alone with him to go driving around. I explained that she could still see him, she just needed to tell me before they went someplace. I don't think she understood my concern at all. Sigh.

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They had a good time, though, so I will try to keep us both focused on how much she enjoyed the evening.

Joy

Daughter came downstairs this morning singing and dancing with joy. It was hard to believe that this was the same person who had sobbed in my arms last night. She was excited about spending time with Nice Guy this evening. She was looking forward to seeing Super Supervisor. She was happy. It was wonderful to see her in such a good mood.

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When I came out of PT, she was jumping up and down in the waiting room in anticipation. She had called the gift shop while she was waiting for me, and knew that SS was back. She wanted me to her hurry up and get her there.

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SS greeted Daughter at the back door. She told me she was exhausted from spending the nights at the hospital with her husband, who had surgery Monday. She said, "I needed to get back and see these guys." The drama there would drive me crazy. For her, it is a calling, and it give her joy. That's why she does such a good job. She loves that strange assortment of disabled individuals who gather daily at the gift shop. We are blessed to have her.

Tears

Daughter spent a good bit of yesterday evening sobbing. She didn't know why she was crying, she just was. I suspect there were a number of things that contributed to her tears:

1. The possibility of a move and all the of the change and uncertainty that will bring.

2. The recognition that she's not ready to move out/get a job/return to the workshop. She knows that her bed wetting is speaking loudly. When she's mentioned the various goals, she always says, "Part of me...." She never argues when I point out that her bed wetting is telling me she's not ready.

3. Nice Guy. She wants to have a boyfriend, and it's hard on very hard on her to have a boyfriend. She wants to be with him, and she's terrified of being with him.

4. Super Supervisor's continuing absence. Yesterday Sub called convinced that 3 units was too much insulin for Daughter's lunch. It's the same amount she always takes. Sub has supervised her taking 3 units numerous times now. Daughter also expressed discomfort because Sub has loosened some of the rules. She doesn't like that. Hopefully SS will be back today.

So I held her. I acknowledged that the thought of moving is hard. I reminded her that the important things would remain the same, no matter where we live: I would be her Mom, her safety would still be my number 1 priority and that Kitten, Daughter and I would still be a family. Eventually she fell asleep.

This evening she has plans to meet NG for supper (she wants me at the restaurant, but has told me I need to sit at a different table) and the concert in the park. Hopefully the weather will cooperate and it will give her something to look forward to today.

Mixed Messages

As we drove to Big City to see Psychiatrist today, Daughter informed me that she'd been doing a lot of thinking, and thought that it was time for her to get a place with Nice Guy and move out. She said they had a lot of the same problems and he's on a lot of the same medications, and it would be good.
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We had a long conversation, and I worked very hard at being patient with her. I assured her that I wanted the same things she wanted, for her to be able to live independently and get married. I reminded her of the steps we've set up to help her achieve her goals. I told her that actions speak louder than words, and by wetting the bed every night she was telling me that she doesn't feel safe and isn't ready to take on something new.
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She's not happy, but for now she is accepting what I told her and Psychiatrist reinforced. I'm sure tomorrow she'll be back with another big plan.

Nice Guy's Back

Nice Guy came over to hang out with Daughter Monday evening. Daughter told me after he left that she had to tell me something. I told her I knew that they were back together. She was amazed that I had figured it out. She's predictable. She says he's promised not to talk about marriage until she's ready.
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He's working as a dishwasher in a restaurant, but apparently is going to go to the workshop on days he's not working. Now Daughter wants to start back at the workshop immediately. She made it very clear to us yesterday she wasn't ready when she asked me to make it 21 days of no bed wetting before I let her go back. She was wet this morning, yet after a conversation with NG on the phone was begging me to let her go back now.
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I wonder how long the romance will last this time.

Compromise

Daughter told Therapist she wants to go back to the workshop. Therapist and I discussed it, and I suggested we tell her that if she is dry for 7 nights in a row, we'll begin discussing it. I see the bed wetting as her attempt to keep herself safe, and I don't think she's ready to return to the workshop if she's not feeling safe.
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We brought Daughter in, and we had the following conversation:
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"What's my number 1 priority?"
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"My safety."
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"I don't want you going back to the workshop until you are feeling safe. When you wet the bed, it tells me you don't feel safe. After you have been dry for 7 nights in a row, we'll begin to talk about what needs to happen for you to go back to the workshop."
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"Can we compromise?"
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"What's the compromise?"
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She began counting on her fingers, and then offered, "Let's make it 21 days. That will be three weeks. You have to check my bed, depends, and pj's every day to make sure I'm really dry."
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She has an interesting definition of compromise. Therapist and I discussed it. She's definitely telling us she doesn't feel safe and isn't ready to return to the workshop. She has been diligently working on her chores since she came home and is in a much better mood. Tomorrow she's going to make and decorate signs to post around the house reminding herself that her goal is to go back to the workshop. It will be interesting to see if this actually motivates her. I'm not going to hold my breath waiting. I will enjoy her cooperative attitude for as long as it lasts.

Reflections

At the conference, I took a course on professional development. It was a good opportunity to examine my gifts and my passions and consider what God's call to me really is. I will blog later about where I see God calling me in ministry. It was also an opportunity to explore ways to reprioritize my life and ministry, which is what I have been working on today.
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This morning I sat down and blocked out the week, scheduling the things I want to get done in various time slots (and making sure I leave margins). In addition to working out a schedule, I was busy today in the kitchen. I put some chicken and barbecue sauce in the crock pot this morning. I cleaned out the refrigerator, made some real oatmeal and put it in the refrigerator for Daughter's breakfasts, made some apple muffins, finished unloading the dishwasher that Daughter didn't complete this morning, and washed lots of dishes. I also was working on laundry, including Daughter's linens (yes, she's still wetting the bed).
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My plan is to make time for Daughter every day when she first gets home. So today, I greeted her warmly and invited her to come sit in my study and enjoy a treat with me. I got us each an apple muffin (still warm). Her only comment was that it wasn't completely done. Then she asked if she could have something else, too. I said not now. I was asking her about her day (she was reluctant to say much).
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As we were finishing our conversation, the phone rang. It was the young woman next door. She had just found several newspaper articles online about the man who raped her last summer. He's been caught and is being held for another rape, but the DA wants to talk to my neighbor about possibly prosecuting her case, as well. My neighbor was having a difficult time with the feelings all of this was raising in her, so I began listening and offering reassurance. (Why do people comment on an article about rape by blaming the woman?)
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I asked Daughter to take care of the clothes in the dryer. She told me she did, but she didn't, leaving things in the dryer to get wrinkled. I commented that she had lied to me, and asked her to finish the job. She informed me she was done, she wasn't doing another single thing for me, and stormed out of the house.
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She is struggling to turn things around now. I can do everything right, but she can still choose to be a victim. No rational person would see her as a victim, but that doesn't make any difference to her. She sees herself as a victim of this awful mother who only lets her have one snack and expects her to help with the laundry. I can give her every opportunity to be happy and successful, but it's up to her whether to take advantage of them or not.
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I'm going to start setting up respite for one evening a week. I'll let someone else supervise her chores. I'll run away (or hide in my bedroom). I'm not going to let her issues get in the way of my life and ministry (at least as much as that is possible....)

Forty Five Minutes

Yesterday morning when the alarm went off, I was amazed at how bright it was outside. It got me thinking, and I looked it up. We were far enough north that there was 45 minutes more of daylight there than there is here in Tiny Village at this time of year.
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I had PT for my knee this morning and then took Daughter to the gift shop. Sub is in this week while Super Supervisor's husband has his hip replaced. Daughter is not thrilled about that, but she went, and hopefully will have a good day.
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I'm going to plan out the week's work, which includes time taking care of things around the house today. I'll be ready to jump back into work tomorrow. My knee is feeling much better, so I'm going to start using the Wii fit tomorrow. I want to be more physically fit. I'm also going to build time with Daughter into the schedule. I told her I'd schedule a game night each week, and Friday night we'll go to the concert in the park in Town. Throughout the week I'll be contemplating the sermon for Sunday and praying for the search committee, that they will know who it is God is calling to be their next pastor.

The Search

We're home. We came home via the area where the church I am interviewing is located. We drove by some homes that are for sale near the church. We shopped at an awesome farm market. We ate lunch in a restaurant that we don't have in our area. There are plenty of real estate options in the area. Daughter and I marveled at the number and variety of stores and restaurants. Traffic is heavier than I'm used to, but then 2 cars and a tractor constitute heavy traffic here in Tiny Village.
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There are three women from the church coming here next Sunday. I offered to feed them brunch following worship, so Daughter and I have been discussing what the menu should be. It will be fun.
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I listened to several podcasts on preaching on the way home, and am contemplating next week's sermon. God will call us to the right place at the right time. I hope this is the right place and time.

Paradise

Today has been a good day. We went to an art fair, where I bought two new stone crosses. I'll have to get chains for them when I get home-- the chains they had were too short. We ate lunch in a small cafe.
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Over lunch I told Daughter that I had invited the women who are coming to worship next month to our home for lunch. She had a fit-- she didn't want them coming, they weren't welcome in our home, etc. So we had a conversation about moving. I pointed out to her that her security comes from being part of a family, not from where she lives, and the family isn't going to change. I told her she'd complain and tell me we shouldn't have moved, but eventually she'll admit that it was a good move. I reminded her of all the advantages of moving. She heard what I was saying and her mood improved.
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We went on a 1.5 mile hike in a state park. I am very out of shape. Or course, part of it was uphill, and part of it was sandy, but I'm out of shape. I toured a CCC museum about forest restoration while Daughter sat on a bench.
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I told her to remind me, and I'd take care of something when we got home. She said, "You mean Tiny Village?"
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"No, I meant the motel."
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"Don't call that home."
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"Okay, what do you call this?"
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"Paradise."
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We got ice cream and went to arts and crafts store, where I caved and bought her a fuzzy poster than had markers with it.
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As we headed back to the motel, I asked her what her favorite part of the day had been, "Just spending time with my mom." When we got back to the motel we spent some time in the hot tub. Now we're relaxing in our room.
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Daughter's comments about this being paradise and the best part was spending time with me has me thinking. I took a class on professional development at the conference. I'm going to makes some changes when we get home. I'll be blogging more about that later.

"That's the whole Idea!"

So Daughter wanted to do some art. We had a partial ream of paper in the car that I had taken so I could print things out for my class this week. I told her she could go get some paper from there. She said, "I'll use my pen to draw now, and then tomorrow we can buy some colors for me since I didn't bring mine."
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"Wrong. You always manage to forget them and then I end up buying you more."
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"That's the whole idea!"
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"Well, it's not going to work this year."

Talent Show

Daughter participated in the talent show last night. I always have mixed feelings about her participating. She used to have a good voice, but no longer sings able to match pitch. She also stresses out over it. I finally told her that she could sign up as long as she didn't talk to me about it. I had a friend check out her act.
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So last night she did a dance for the talent show. The community is wonderfully supportive and clapped to the music and cheered her on. When she was done,she came and stood in front of the section where I was sitting and said, "See, Mom, there was nothing wrong with my dance."
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We had a really good week at the conference. I've been asked to teach a Bible study again next year (apparently my class gave me great reviews). I'm looking forward to it, though I don't think it will be as much fun as Revelation was this year.
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We're at a motel overlooking a lake right now. Sunday, we'll head home to Tiny Village and I'll begin working on worship next Sunday-- I hope that the visit next Sunday will answer any doubts the search committee has, and Daughter and I will be preparing to move this fall.

A Phone Call

Yesterday evening, while sitting around talking with friends, my cell phone beeped to tell me I had a new voice mail. We don't get a good signal here, so I went outside to try to find a strong enough signal to retrieve the message. It was a member of the search committee at the church I interviewed with last month. They were wondering if it would be okay if several of their members came to hear me preach in Tiny Village. I told them it would be fine, and they are planning to come on July 18 (I won't be there on July 11).

I am excited. I'm still in the running for the call. I sent text messages to my 3 siblings. All sent responses within 2 minutes. Brother called to ask if I'd seen the video from their worship service on their website and if I was going to use PowerPoint for the sermon on the 18th. I assured him I'd seen the video, and I wasn't going to use PowerPoint because I don't want to get fired. Sister texted me with a sermon suggestion and then sent me a link to a web resource on preaching.
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I told my friends by the time I get home this Sunday, they will probably have a sermon written for me. I'm glad they're sharing my excitement. I told Daughter, and she's pleased. There are still some steps to take before I receive the call. I am hopeful, though.
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The conference continues to be good. Daughter has been dry the past two nights. I was pleased with the way my class went. It's been a good week.

Winding Down

I have one more class to teach tomorrow morning, and then we will head to our motel on a lake Friday morning. Daughter has signed up for the talent show tomorrow evening. I'm not real happy about that, but it has been a powerful motivator for her. She was dry this morning, so she was free to take a 3 hour nap this afternoon.
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She was with the elementary class today. She came into my class at one point to complain that it wasn't working, her mouth was hurting, etc. I gave her an ibuprofen (she hadn't had a pain pill at breakfast for the first time today), and told her to go get something to drink, wash her face in cool water, and rejoin the class. She did, and came to lunch quite pleased with the fact that a water balloon had gotten her wet.
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One of the adults had to coax her to participate in the water balloon fight. Daughter said she couldn't because of her wisdom teeth. The woman assured her that was okay, she wouldn't throw the balloon at her mouth. So Daughter participated. This is such a good, safe place for her. Have I mentioned that we're having a wonderful week?

Christian Community

In the breakfast line this morning, Daughter grabbed 2 small donuts, and then saw that further down the buffet they had oatmeal. She wanted to have oatmeal. I told her that she had more than enough carbs in the doughnuts, and she needed to plan better. When she arrived at our table, she had oatmeal, no donuts. I gave her the look, and she told me that a woman had heard the conversation and taken the doughnuts off Daughter's plate and put them on her own so Daughter could enjoy the oatmeal.

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After her first class Daughter came to me in tears. Her film class on faith in films had watched some clips from The Green Mile, which had several triggers of her PTSD. She was tired from lack of sleep, and so she spent the second class period sitting next to me with her head in my lap. This afternoon the children's coordinator came to ask me if it was alright if she asked Daughter to help in one of the children's classes. There were 2 places that could use her, and the leaders were willing to have her join them. Tomorrow Daughter will be hanging out with elementary kids and will have a leader who got the 2 minute brief on how to keep her in line. I'm grateful, and Daughter's excited.

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During prayers in worship tonight Daughter said she was thankful that I'd adopted her in 1995 and she'd been with me she thought for something like 23 or 26 years. Quite an accomplishment, considering that she's only 23.

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Two people have told me she seems more independent this year. That's one of the things I like about coming here, they point out her progress to me from year to year. I need to hear that.

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I'm having a great time teaching a class on the book of Revelation. I'm opening and closing each class with a hymn from YouTube that comes from the book (I had no idea that there were so many hymns based on the book of Revelation). Today the closing hymn was the video above. The class spontaneously stood up to sing along with the video. It gave me goosebumps. Tonight one of the women in the class asked if she could have a copy of the PowerPoint I've been doing to take back to her church. She wants them to hear what we've been discussing. I was honored. I had never worked with PowerPoint before, so I'm thrilled that she wants a copy of my first PowerPoint presentation.

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Daughter did have to do laundry again this afternoon. She did it on her own while I prepared for tomorrow's class. One of the questions that was raised today was one I had to research and promised an answer tomorrow. I'm excited about what I have prepared for tomorrow. Did I mention how much I'm loving teaching?

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I'm still waiting to hear from the church I interviewed with last month. They are deliberating now, having brought two of us in for interviews and to preach. I have a church some distance from here that is also interested. The class in which I'm a student is on professional development, and I find myself pondering whether I need to look at different forms of ministry to better match my gifts. I think the church that is asking about my availability might be a better fit. God is at work, and I'm listening.