Birthdays and Grief

Two years ago this month, Mom died. The second anniversary of Dad's death is in September. When my birthday came this year, I was depressed. It surprised me that the second birthday after their death was harder than the first. Last night, I got a phone call from Sister. She was sobbing. Today is her birthday. There are some stressful things going on in her life right now, and between those and the birthday, she was depressed. I met Sister and Short Niece for breakfast this morning near their home, then she headed to her school to finish cleaning up her classroom, and I headed to the outlet mall to do some shopping. The drive to see them was just over an hour, but it was worth it. I told Sister some details about her birth (she's 10 years younger than I am). I told her about the names under discussion for her.

.

Short Niece (6 years old and just finished first grade) is reading the Harry Potter books. Sister isn't sure that some of the later ones are appropriate for her, but Short Niece is on the third book and is devouring them. She told Sister that if they scared or bothered her, she'd stop reading.

.

That's one of the advantages of being closer to family. I get to see them more often. Sister and Short Niece are going to come visit this summer. We'll go to the zoo and do other fun things here in Capital. I'm looking forward to spending time with both of them.

.

When we parted, Sister was grateful. She thought her birthday was off to a good start. I'm sure the grief will hit again later. That's the thing about grief. Sometimes it surprises you.

PTSD and CAPD

Sometimes even I forget. I forget how much damage was done in those first 3 years of her life. I forget, and then I am brutally reminded. Today was the guardianship hearing. I am now her guardian. She has been quite dramatic in proclaiming her stress over it. I've been offering glib reassurances. We've explained what was going to happen a dozen or more times. Today, she told me she was scared. I finally asked what scared her. She said, "I'm afraid I'm going to lose you, too."

.

Suddenly it clicked. She wasn't equating this to her adoption hearing, she was again going through the trauma of termination of parental rights. I'll give you the short version of the trauma. Birth Parent's Attorney saw it as a game. There were a variety of reasons for that, but for him, it was a game. So, as part of that game, he was delaying and drawing things out, and he would subpoena Daughter for every court date. He knew she had been too young and was not a competent witness. But County Attorney was majorly incompetent. I won't even get into how incompetent, but it was unreal. CA didn't realize that it was possible to ask the judge to say Daughter couldn't testify and stop the subpoenas. BPA never called Daughter as a witness, he just made me drag her to the court house every month or so for over a year. Each time I'd take her to court, she would see her abusers. Each time I took her to court, she was traumatized. She wouldn't sleep after those appearances. I was fighting for her every way I knew how, but I kept running into brick walls. After months of begging, the psychologist finally looked back over her notes and realized that every time Daughter saw Birth Father, she regressed. I'd been asking her to stop the visits, but she didn't see why it was necessary, until she finally looked back over her notes.

.

Does Daughter remember those court visits? Does she remember the details? I don't know. What she does know on a gut level is that the court house is a place where bad things happen. The psychologist who did her evaluation for the guardianship was amazed by the impact it had on her. When we go back to renew the guardianship, she told me to ask that Daughter be excused from attending because it is too traumatic for her. Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Sometimes I forget.

.

Psychologist also gave me a copy of her report on Daughter. As I looked it over, what jumped out at me was her biggest deficit. Her receptive language skills are significantly under the 4 years of age mark. Significantly. I pointed at that score and said, "Central Auditory Processing Disorder." For all of you adoptive parents, have your children tested for this while they were young, especially if they have Reactive Attachment Disorder, as the two often go together. When Daughter was finally diagnosed, the window of opportunity to really retrain the brain was closed. I did some research and bought some software that addressed the problem, but it was too late to correct the fundamental issue.

.

Here is my less than perfect understanding of it: Language processing is one of the things that is at the core of the brain. The language processing center grows and develops when the parents talk to the infant. That verbal stimulation causes the center to grow and develop. In infants who suffer severe neglect, it doesn't develop during that critical time, and language processing gets pushed further out into the brain, into areas that are not as efficient. It's like stroke patient struggling to learn how to talk again. In Daughter's case, at some point in those first three years she literally shut off her hearing to protect herself. It was a real loss, and she was given loaner hearing when she was 3. It was amazing to watch her discover sounds for the first time. She had a high pitched hearing loss, so she hadn't been able to hear ess sounds. Once she got the hearing aid, she began stretching out the ess in words. It was amazing to watch these discoveries. If she'd gotten intense therapy at that point, it might have been possible to improve things, but by the time she was diagnosed 10 or 11 years later, it was too late. I find myself wishing it had been diagnosed earlier. I'm frustrated with the school psychologist who dismissed her as a retard and refused to look further, despite my protests. Central Auditory Processing Disorder. Sometimes I forget.

.

She has been with me for over 21 years. The damage done in those first 3 years remains. Love, structure and stability couldn't fix it all, no matter what they said in foster parent training.

.

Anxiety

Today we go to court to officially make me Daughter's guardian. Daughter is exceedingly anxious about it. There have been lots of tears over the last 24 hours, lots of reassurance, and it's still very hard on her. She claims it's triggering her PTSD of other court dates. I don't know if that's true, but I'm trying to be patient and understanding. A number of people have explained to her what will happen and that it's not a big deal. Last night she was insisting she wouldn't go into the court room. This morning she tried to convince me she was too nervous to eat breakfast (she did eat). I expected her to be wet this morning, given her anxiety level, but she was dry. I see that as a good sign.

.

I'm just looking forward to having this finally done. It's been hanging over my head since she turned 18 6 years ago. It was an expensive thing to do when we lived in Tiny Village. Here, the only thing it is costing me is time, which is why I haven't done it sooner.

.

Progress toward my goal of the 5K: it's pouring rain, so I won't be able to walk outside this morning. I did do 30 minutes on the wii, including almost 1000 steps on the free step. Tomorrow morning I'll double the time on the free step.

Goals

Motivated by several friends on facebook and their accomplishments, I have set a goal of walking in a 5K on July 31st. I'm going to work at getting healthier. I've done two mornings on the wii fit now, and this morning I also walked 1 mile. I hope to begin walking to the church in the mornings, and then walking home at noon to get lunch and the car for afternoon meetings/visits.

Daughter is going to work on making mini scrapbooks to sell through the micro enterprise program available to her. I'm liking the somewhat slower pace of summer.

Success

Daughter was dropped off at her appointment with her counselor by one of the staff members at her program. I showed up later, having left my meeting early to get to her before her appointment was over. Her counselor thinks it's time to begin winding down therapy. She says each week it seems like Daughter is older and more mature. I'd agree with that. She'll see her again July 19 (skipping next week and then travel plans interfere), and we'll see how she's doing.

.

She also thinks it's time for Daughter to begin looking for a job, and thinks we should do that before she moves. I don't want her dealing with too much change at once, but wasn't sure whether it would be better to do that before or after she moves into a group home. I'm going to email her case manager, and begin the conversation about a job coach for her.

.

Daughter is quite proud of herself, and seems to be growing in confidence. She did acknowledge, though, that it feels weird. I'm trying not to praise her too much, as I don't want to trigger a setback. I'm cautiously optimistic, but don't want to push too hard too fast. We'll evaluate things in August.

Anxiety

The hearing to make me Daughter's guardian is coming up this week. An attorney was appointed for Daughter, and that attorney is going to go meet with her today at her program. Daughter is freaking out over it. I mentioned it in passing, and she went ballistic, demanding that the appointment be cancelled. Not happening. The return to program with the group moved and new people coming has been challenging for her. She knows I'm going to be at a meeting a distance from here today, and her program coordinator is going to drop her off at her counselor's appointment at 4:00. I will pick her up from there. I look at her anxiety level right now and am amazed by how well she handled camp. I wonder how she'll do with the 8 day camp....

Bus Adventures

I downloaded the new version Internet Explorer, and it won't let me post on blogger. So, I'm posting from Chrome now. Daughter starts bus service to her program's new location today. We set it up to pick her up on the church Monday-Thursday and home on Friday, and to drop her off at home every day. I received a note from her bus driver saying she would be dropping Daughter off between 5:30 and 5:40, and picking her up at 6:20 on Friday mornings.

I never heard anything about the Monday-Thursday morning pick-ups at the church. I was a little frustrated, but assumed it would also be early. Never assume. That is a lesson I seem to need to relearn on a regular basis. This morning we got to the church at 6:00 and planted ourselves in Administrative Assistant's office so we would know when the bus arrived. I began doing commentary work for Sunday's sermon, Daughter began pacing. At 7:30 I started making calls. The schedule calls for her to be picked up from the church at 9:35. It would have been nice if they'd told me. It would be nicer if that would work. AA gets in at 9:00, and I have a meeting 90 minutes from here at 9:00 tomorrow morning. I'm not going to drop Daughter off at the church to wait alone 2 hours before the bus is due.

Beginning tomorrow, she will be picked up from home 5 days a week at 6:20. I'm not sure how she will do with that schedule, but we will try it for a week before I complain. I think it's going to make for very long days, and it will be challenging to get her fed and to the church when I have meetings Monday evenings. Tonight's meeting starts at 6:00. That will be very interesting. She was upset at first, but has calmed down nicely. She is outside waiting for the bus, even though it won't be here for another 30 minutes or so. I hope her day goes smoothly.

I'm going to contemplate how I'm going to structure my day around her new schedule. I need to get exercise into the routine somewhere, and so figuring that out is going to be a priority for me. I've decided I need to pay more attention to my health.

Pentecost

Today is Pentecost, the Sunday the church celebrates the coming of the Holy Spirit: "And suddenly from heaven there came a sound like the rush of a violent wind, and it filled the entire house where they were sitting. Divided tongues, as of fire, appeared among them, and a tongue rested on each of them." Acts 2:2-3 I used the story of Pentecost and Jesus' words in John, where he states, "Out of the believer's heart shall flow rivers of living water." John 7:38.

.

Administrative Assistant and I made the banners to represent fire and water, and we had fans behind them to give them just a hint of movement. The pictures don't do them justice-- I hadn't turned the lights on, and I was too close to the water picture, but you can get the idea. We recognized everyone who contributed in any way to the church in the past year. We sang great hymns. We celebrated communion. We shared a meal that had two people outside grilling hamburgers, hot dogs, and brats. It was a great Sunday.

.

Daughter was telling everyone how much fun she had, and said she thought she'd be ready to move into a group home sooner than she thought. It was a wonderful morning. Daughter is taking a nap, but I'm going to wake her up in a little bit so we can go outside and mow the lawn. It's a cool day, so we shouldn't get too hot. I hope everyone is having a great Sunday.

Signing up for Another Week

I have the registration form beside me and will put it in the mail on Monday. Daughter will go back to camp on June 26, and I will pick her up to go to our conference a couple of hours before the camp officially ends on July 3. She is very excited. The picture is another one from camp. I loaded all the camp pictures onto FaceBook, and a friend commented that she'd never seen Daughter so happy and relaxed. She is obviously having a good time in all of the camp pictures, and she's in a lot of them.

She did a good job cleaning the kitchen, so I took her shopping today, and she got 2 pairs of shorts, 2 tops, and a dress. She was pleased.

I'm looking forward to another week's break. I had purchased 2 tickets for an Independence Day extravaganza on June 30, so I'm trying to think of someone else who would like to go with me, since Daughter will be at camp. I'll be going with Sister and Short Niece, but company for the drive over and back would be nice.... Even if I make the drive alone, I'm sure I'll enjoy the evening. Now I need to go finalize worship plans for tomorrow.

The Fruits of the Spirit

This morning Daughter asked me to take her shopping. Not wanting to go, I told her if she cleaned the kitchen, I'd take her. The kitchen has been neglected lately. She looked at the mess and held out her hand for me to shake, "Deal." I still wasn't worried. Now, it looks like I'm going to be taking her shopping. She is doing an amazing job, going beyond cleaning to reorganizing things. She asked if she could listen to music while she did it. I agreed. Every so often I have to go check her progress, which truly is amazing.

I said, "I think you learned you could be responsible this week at camp."

"Mom, Goodness and Kindness and Faithfulness equals Respectfulness and Responsibility." She said this as if speaking to someone who is very dense. I asked her to repeat it. "We learned that at camp this week. We talked about the fruits of the spirit." My eyes filled with tears. I went to get some socks to put on so I could take her shopping.

I looked at the camp website again this morning, and then emailed the director who wants her back so badly. There is a high school camp that begins on June 26th, and ends at 4:30 on July 3rd. We are supposed to be 3 hours south of the camp that evening for our conference. Registration for the conference begins at 4:00, and supper is at 6:00. I want to be there early enough to get my classroom set up before supper. So, I asked if it would work for me to pick her up about 1:00. I would have to do her laundry while we're at the conference, but I can make it work.
.
I hope I can create an environment in which she can thrive as much as she did at camp. Another week at camp to reinforce those learnings can only help. Today, I am grateful, and enjoying the fruits of the Spirit in Daughter's life.

Success!

Daughter didn't want to leave camp. They want her to come back. There is a special needs adult camp, but we'll be at our conference we go to every year that week. The director said she could attend any of the senior high camps if she'd like to. He said she was a joy, and they want her back. She charmed them all. Unfortunately, I don't think any of the camp dates will work with our schedule.

When I picked her up, she didn't want to leave. She cried as she said goodbye to staff. They told me she wrote a hilarious skit for the talent show last night that had them all laughing. She's tired. I expect she'll crash tonight. She said maybe she will be ready to move out. She acknowledged missing my cooking-- but not me. I'm so glad she had a successful week. I may seek if I can tweak the schedule so she can go to another camp. I'll have to see. For tonight, I'm going to enjoy her success.

Talent Show

From this morning's pictures posted on the camp website, it looks like last night was the camp talent show. Daughter, of course, loves talent shows. Usually she sings and/or dances. It looks like she branched out last night and was involved in a drama. It also looks like she did it with several men. Why am I not surprised? My hope is that it was the counselors she was pursuing this week (very likely). They will be kind to Daughter, but not interested in a relationship. It's not likely she will hurt them.

I pick her up at 4:30 today. It will be good to see her.

The Downside of Freedom

Without Daughter here to slow me down, I've been working way too many hours this week. I left the house at 7:00 yesterday morning, and didn't get home until after 9:00 last night. I've made plans to go into the office tomorrow morning, which is supposed to be my day off. Administrative Assistant and I are making two new banners for Pentecost Sunday. I'll post pictures when they're done. The concept is simple, but they are proving to be a bit more time consuming than we anticipated.

While I'm working a lot of hours, I've enjoyed not having to worry about Daughter's needs. I enjoyed the choir party last night. She wasn't hanging on me and bugging me to leave. She wasn't asking for food she knew she couldn't have. It was much more relaxing without her there.

I'm hoping her success at camp will be the confidence boost that will enable her to be more responsible here at home. I hope.

Camp Pictures

This morning I received a link to pictures that have been taken at camp. It looks to me like Daughter is having a great time!

Freedom

I am so enjoying the freedom to set my own schedule without worrying about Daughter. As I look at how much easier my life is and how much more responsible Daughter is being in caring for her own health needs, I am more convinced that I need to move her into a group home sooner rather than later. I need to let her case manager know that I am ready to start checking out possibilities for Daughter.

Tonight I'm going to the choir's end of the year picnic. I just had a nice long conversation with one of the higher ups in the denomination. It was nice to be able to talk about the good things that are happening and the challenges ahead.

The weather is still dangerously hot, and it's been a good day.

Heat

We had a record high yesterday, and are headed for another one today. I do not do well with heat. Fortunately, the church is air conditioned. I'm grateful. Last week I was opening my office windows. This week I'm enjoying the air conditioning.

I'm dealing with heat in another sense, too. After almost 8 months, some of the issues and conflict are beginning to come out in this congregation. There is nothing that alarms me, just the beginning of challenges and grumblings. We've had a lot of change over the past 8 months, and change is hard for people. There are some challenging people in this congregation, and there are people who don't want to be around the challenging people.

Several things I have noticed that seem to be part of the culture here:

1. If someone doesn't like someone on a committee, they quit the committee. There is a reluctance to address the issues, and an eagerness to avoid them.

2. Music (as in many congregations) is a conflict point where the stress comes out.

3. It's hard for people to see the big picture. They focus on one thing, and their happiness depends on them getting their way on that one thing.

I'm grateful I had extra time for prayer on Monday. It has helped me deal with some of the challenges of this week. These are the issues I was called hear to address, and with God's help, we'll get through them.

A Phone Call from Camp

I had a phone call from Camp Nurse a little while ago. She called me to tell me that Daughter is doing great! CN is just acting as consultant on the diabetes, Daughter is making good choices and managing it herself. She had a low this afternoon, and she managed it.

This evening they had a campfire, and Daughter challenged one of the counselors to a rap contest. According to CN, Daughter won. She said Daughter involved the others and it was a rap about faith. It was very hot today-- heat index was over 100. Daughter got overheated, but recovered.

CN said I am the only parent she called, but she knew I was worried, and she wanted me to know that Daughter is doing great. Tonight, I'm grateful. Tomorrow I won't be anticipating problems, waiting for the phone to ring. I am enjoying setting my own schedule and not worrying about her needs. I'm delighted to hear that she is being responsible and doing well.

A Silent Phone

Daughter couldn't take her cell phone to camp, so she can't call me. It's rare for her to make it through the day without calling me at least once. She's well known for that. She often asks me to come get her early, and even though I always say no, she continues to ask. Sometimes I think she just creates reasons to call me. It's like she has to check to make sure I'm still here. As of right now, I haven't seen or heard from her since I dropped off her medication at the camp at noon yesterday. I'm enjoying the break from the phone calls, though I must admit it's a bit weird.

Kitten misses her-- she slept with me last night, and yelled at me a bit when I got home at 9:00. By 10:30, she was biting my toes, trying to get my attention. The house is quiet, and it's nice. I like having things unlocked. It's wonderful change.

It looks like it's going to be sunny and hot most of the week. I'm sure Daughter is having a good time. I'm hoping for a productive week at church and home without the work and distractions Daughter brings into my life. I haven't had this kind of break since she went to diabetes camp 9 years ago. When she's been in the hospital she's still called, and I've had to make the 45 mile journey to visit her most evenings. I do miss her, but it's good. I know she's safe and that she is having a good time. Now to see how much I can accomplish today.

The Gift of Time

When I got to the camp today and discovered I had forgotten her medication and would have to get it back by lunch so she would have her insulin, it really didn't bother me that much. It meant an extra 3 hours in the car, but it was okay. In fact, I viewed it as a gift. It was 3 hours when I couldn't do research for the sermon, respond to emails, or plan for this evening's meeting.

I prayed, I talked to my sister on the phone, and I enjoyed the drive. I drove through a fastfood restaurant for lunch, and then once I got to the church, I just stayed there until my meeting this evening, eating my planned lunch for supper. It was wonderful not to have to worry about Daughter. I am going to enjoy the gift of time: the time away to pray in the car today, and the time without Daughter this week. It truly is a great gift.

Belly Laugh of the Month

Daughter has been protesting about going to camp for months. She wouldn't go, I couldn't make her, it wasn't fair, I was trying to get rid of her, etc. Her protests just increased my resolve that she would go, but it hasn't been pleasant.

So today, as we're driving down the road, she said to herself, "Daughter, stop smiling. You're supposed to be mad." I don't remember the last time I laughed so hard.

When we got to camp almost 90 minutes later I was especially grateful for the laugh, as I realized I'd left all her medication on a kitchen chair. I dropped her off and came back home to get it. Instead of getting into the office by 11:00, it was after 2:00. But she's at camp already charming everyone in sight, and the food is unlocked in my kitchen. A little bit of heaven, and worth 6 hours on the road.

Camp

We are packing Daughter's things for camp. The people were great this morning. Many of them have been or sent children to the camp she will be going to. They filled her with stories of what a great place it is and how much fun she'll have. That definitely helped. She's still nervous, but then so am I. It's hard, trusting someone else to manage her diabetes. My week is quickly filling up-- I now have commitments Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday evenings. I told someone that I was not going to do anything on Thursday evening-- I wanted one night to myself while Daughter's gone.

I looked at the lawn this afternoon and thought about my calendar, and decided we needed to get out and mow it. The good news is my lawn is getting healthier. The bad news is that it's growing rapidly, and I'm having to mow more frequently. I'm doing well if I make it 5 days right now. It isn't raining as much, so I've turned my sprinkler system on.

I hope that Daughter has a good time at camp and that things go smoothly. I think the break will be good for both of us.

Making up for a Good Day

My goodness was Daughter oppositional yesterday evening. She is going to camp tomorrow, and realizing that, her anxiety level went sky high. She complained about everything. She told me flat out she wasn't going to camp. She informed me that she needed new clothes for camp. Suddenly she only has one pair of jeans and one t-shirt (which I bought her yesterday) that fit. I worked real hard at not reacting, and she did make that a challenge.

Every protest just underlined my need for her to go to camp and give me a break. I have some concerns about this, too. It's not easy trusting strangers with the care of her diabetes. This is the second year they've done an adult special needs camp, so my hope is that they made all their mistakes last year. In fact, this year they're doing 2 camps, since last year's was so popular. The second camp is the week of the conference we attend, so she's going to this one, which I believe is the first camp of their season. It's less than 90 minutes from here, and I'm sure once she gets there she'll have a good time. She went to diabetes camp when she was 14, and had a great time. She didn't shower, so she was fairly ripe when I picked her up, but she was quite upset when she couldn't go the following year because of a broken ankle.

Today we will be doing laundry and packing. We'll leave her before 8:00 tomorrow morning to get there. I've sent them detailed information about the care and feeding of Daughter. Now I get to trust that she'll have a great week. I'm looking forward to finding out what it's like to live without locking up the food....

"That Was Fun!"

Adoptive parents of hurt children know how our kids sabotage fun things. If they do have fun, they won't admit it. So for Daughter to tell me throughout the day that things were interesting and fun and then to have her pronounce that the whole day was fun is nothing short of a miracle. When we stopped at the store afterwards she returned to form, asking for things she knew I wouldn't get her and such, but while we were sightseeing, she was wonderfully cooperative. Capital had a program today where you could tour various sites and there were shuttle buses running several routes between various attractions. We spent almost 5 hours walking and touring. It was supposed to be in the low 80's with the chance of thunderstorms. Fortunately, there was no rain. Unfortunately, it was pushing 90, and the air conditioning wasn't working in several places.

We saw the state capital, a radio station, several different gardens, a used book sale (amazingly, Daughter was the one who spent money, not me). We went to museums and shops. We ran into one member family, but that was all. We only saw a fraction of the possibilities. We will definitely do it again next year. If we do it enough years, maybe we'll actually get to see everything! There were several places that we will go back to at some point this summer. I don't anticipate having any trouble convince Daughter it will be fun.

Oh, and she was dry last night. Maybe next year she'll skip the prom completely.

Defining Success and Program News

Daughter and I have been talking quite a bit about men and relationships. She is so determined to have a boyfriend and incapable of maintaining any kind of a relationship. She was complaining about the guy she just broke up with, and I was pointing out the mixed messages she'd given him. To her credit, she heard what I was saying, and recognized she hadn't been fair to him. With the move happening on Monday, a number of young men will be joining Daughter's program. I asked her if she could stay away from them for now.

"Probably not." It was an honest, though frustrating, answer. She acknowledged that these challenges with men are a result of her history. The she said, "Why is Birth Brother so successful?" BB is 30, and on at least his 3rd marriage. He's had a number of girl friends between marriages, and at least one while married. I pointed out that he's been married three time, and asked if that sounded like success. She thought it did. So we talked about whether his ex-wives or daughter from a previous marriage would see it as success. She decided they wouldn't. I'm not sure she is able to see that he isn't successful. The connection between them is strong, and I don't think she is ready to see his shortcomings.

In other news, I got word as to part of the bus schedule once Daughter returns from camp and starts back in the program at the new location. Monday-Thursday the bus will pick her up at the church. It will drop her off at home every day and pick her up at home on Friday. She will be getting home between 5:30 and 5:40, and on Friday morning she will be picked up at 6:20. I hope pickup from the church won't be that early. I'm going to give it a try, but I'm not sure she'll be able to handle a day that long. The late drop off in the evening will give me more time for visits and such in the afternoon, but I'm not sure that will be good for me, either. I need to be forced to stop and focus on other things at some point in the day.

She had her psychological evaluation for the guardianship yesteday morning, so I dropped her off at her program in the new location Friday afternoon. It's a beautiful building. They will have more space and it will be a wonderful base for them to return to after their outings. Program Cooordinator is still working on getting the staff to understand the importance of not talking about their personal lives in front of the group. While Daughter was being tested, a sub was describing the auto accident she was in a year ago. She lived, but her unborn child died as a result of the accident. PC was all over her about sharing personal details, and reminded the rest of the staff that they needed to remind one another of the rules. I'm glad Daughter wasn't there to hear the gory details (which were pretty bad, I understand).

The Prom

Daughter lost her prom ticket. We went, and they believed us and let her in. We sat at a table with the guy she just broke up with, and she made sure I was between the two of them. There were several hundred people there, wearing every thing from tuxes and tiaras to t-shirts and shorts. There were wheelchairs and walkers, the young and the old. It was in the ballroom of a motel, and it was a very nice setting. The meal was okay.

The band was excellent. Within 15 minutes of them starting, Daughter was done and had to leave. She started out by dancing with the guy who had her running upstairs in tears yesterday. She got mad because he saw his ex-girlfriend and brought her into dance with them. I waited 15 minutes for her to calm down, and then gave up and brought her home. Next year it's going to take a lot of convincing for me to invest the time and money.

Interesting Conversation

So Daughter wanted to earn money last night to go shopping. She wanted money to buy things for the dance. I asked her what she wanted to buy. She wanted makeup, and then she was wondering if she could earn enough money that night to buy a video camera. Have I mentioned that she has a difficult time with money. I gave her some chores, and told her if she did them properly I'd take her to the store to get makeup. She she finished and I went in to inspect. Of course they weren't done properly. I gave her one chance to fix them. She was quite frustrated and decided we wouldn't go to the store. She was playing the victim, all persecuted.

I sat her down and talked to her about employment skills, and the importance of doing things right the first time. I talked about double checking your work. I said if she'd looked at the floor, she would have seen the hair on it. The best exchange of the night: "Or maybe I saw the hair on the floor and swept around it."

"Why would you do that?"

"So you'd say I couldn't go to the dance."

Sigh.

A Crisis Managed without Me

I got a call this morning that sent me to the hospital to visit one of the saints. While I was gone, Daughter came running upstairs, sobbing. She was shocked that I wasn't there. Administrative Assistant hugged her and calmed her down. One of the men in her program had been pushing her buttons. Daughter's only done that 3 times in the six months they've been downstairs. I'm glad I wasn't there when it happened today. Tomorrow is their last day in our building, and so Daughter needs to adjust to the fact that I'm not going to be right upstairs to manage her crises. When she called and asked if she could come up at the end of the day, I told her she needed to wait 10 minutes. AA and I were in the process of doing the final edits on the newsletter, and I didn't want her disrupting. She wasn't happy, but she waited, and when she came up, she waited respectfully while we finished our work.

Today was a day that did not go as planned. I had a 9:00 meeting and a 1:00 meeting, and I planned to go hide in a restaurant and write my sermon between the meetings. A phone call a little before 9:00 put an end to those plans. An elderly woman was calling from the hospital. Her husband had been there since Tuesday and she said he wasn't doing well and was slipping. She wanted him on the prayer chain. As soon as the 9:00 meeting was over, I headed to the hospital. He was down for tests when I arrived. I don't think it is the crisis his wife feared, I think she panicked when she heard he'd been confused over night and that they wanted to do tests on his heart. I talked to her for a while, and then left to get lunch. I returned to the hospital and got to visit with the man and say a prayer with him before heading back to the church. The visits ate up most of the time between my meetings. The man may be discharged tomorrow. He'll do better when he's home.

Tomorrow morning Daughter has a psychological evaluation in preparation for the guardianship hearing. That will take all morning. The "prom" is tomorrow evening. Saturday we're going to go to a festival here in town. I still have a sermon to write at some point. Maybe I'll be able to get some of it done while Daughter's being tested tomorrow. Maybe.

Two Steps Forward, One Back

After several pretty good nights/mornings, Daughter wet the bed last night and has been slow getting up this morning. I allowed her to watch a TV show we recorded on Monday last night. She was so eager to get to the show that she didnt do her chores well. I was outside mowing, so wasn't in here to check up on her until after she turned on the TV. She did not respond well when I told her that there shouldn't be clumps of cat hair on carpet she had just vacuumed. She did come and redo it, but was quite dramatic, announcing she'd just leave. Fortunately, she didn't, and I did let her return to her show.

Her frustration is coming out this morning. She won't have time for a full breakfast. Hopefully she'll turn it around this morning and we'll have a better evening. When she does well, she panics and does something to sabotage herself. My goal is to maximize the good times and minimize the time she's back into this frustrating state.

Brain Flares

One of the saints was in talking to me today. T's discouraged because he is beginning to realize that things aren't going to change overnight, and there is going to be some resistance. He is so excited and optimistic about the future, he can't understand why the entire congregation doesn't feel the same way. I listened and encouraged, and explained some about the challenges of bringing transformation to churches. He's just beginning to realize how complicated churches are. As we were talking, I began to get ideas. Administrative Assistant has compared my brain to the sun. The sun has solar flares, I have brain flares, with ideas popping out all over the place at unexpected times. I told T he was triggering brain flares, and he apologized. I told him it was Administrative Assistant who needs the apology. We walked out of my study together and as we were walking by AA's office, I told her, "It's T's fault!" He left the church before I could explain or AA could ask any questions. Then I went into AA's office and told her I was having brain flares again and was going to give her several additional articles for the newsletter. "Oh, that's what's T's fault!" She's going to have a talk with him about why brain flares newsletter week are not a good thing....

Messages

Mom was a perfectionist. She constantly challenged me to do better. As a result, I struggle with feelings of not being good enough. Yesterday one of the saints stopped by my study to chat. He does this regularly. Yesterday he was talking about his competitive nature, and how he finally decided to step away from competitive running as a result.

As he began to apologize for the diversion, I thanked him for the message. I can become so driven in my quest for perfection that I push volunteers too hard. We are working on a big program for fall, and I've been in danger of crossing the line and pushing too hard without regard for the needs and limitations of volunteers.

Yesterday's conversation and the insight it gave me into my behavior is one of the reasons why I appreciate the encounters I have with members who drop by. Those conversations often provide me with insight, often into the member or the church, occasionally into my own actions and behavior. I view them as a gift from God.

The downside, of course, is that those visits do make it hard to have concentrated time to do study and planning. I'm going to begin taking some blocks of time away from the church to do some of that work. Prioritizing my work and how I spend my time is an ongoing challenge. I'm still working to figure out the best rhythm for my work here in Capital.

Was It Worth $20?

Today I called Daughter's medicaid plan about the ongoing problems with needles for her insulin pens. The woman told me (again) the pharmacy was billing it wrong, and weren't billing my insurance first. I had the denial in front of me, and informed them that the pharmacy was billing my insurance company first. Then she tried to tell me I needed to change pharmacies because this one didn't know how to bill. I informed her they were handling all of Daughter's other prescriptions without a problem. Then she told me that they needed to call in. I explained they had called in, and was told they weren't covered. Finally she put me on hold to make some calls.

I finally got an answer. It seems that they don't want to pay for pen needles unless they are billed with the insulin pens. I explained to her that there are 5 insulin pens in a box, which lasts for a couple of months. She goes through a box of needles in a month's time. That doesn't make any difference. I told her it was a waste to stockpile pens we weren't going to use so they'd pay for the needles. They put in an override to pay for the needles this month. I picked them up this evening, and they had removed the $20 co-pay from my insurance company.

I find myself asking if all the trips to the pharmacy and all the phone calls weren't worth more than the $20 I saved. More importantly, though, I wonder what happens to people who don't have a strong advocate, or someone who will pay for the prescription rather than go with out while fighting for payment. It's no wonder people stop taking their medication. I think it would be much more cost effective to pay for the medication than to pay for the hospitalization. But then, I'm not an insurance company.

The Final Week

This is the final week Daughter's program will be housed at the church. What was supposed to be a couple of weeks has turned out to be over 6 months. Once we gave Program Coordinator a key and alarm code, it got much easier. In fact, Administrative Assistant has commented that she'll miss having them here. They were downstairs, and there was an entrance right by their room that they used for most of their comings and goings. We could hear some of their movement, and they'd come up occasionally to use the copy machine. We had to buzz them in through the office entrance occasionally if PC was out when they came back from an outing.

Daughter, of course, is anxious about the move. We have been careful to minimize the contact she has with me during her program. She can't come up and see me, she has to call or text as though I weren't around. She does call and text-- regularly. The same type things she called and texted when we were in Tiny Village. She often has a crisis and needs me to rescue her from the program immediately. Just like in Tiny Village I offer encouragement and tell her I'll see her at the end of the day.

A couple of weeks ago we drove to the new location from the church, and then from the new location to home. We measured the time and mileage, and both were shorter than what we'd had to deal with in Tiny Village. This reassured her some. More challenging is the fact that she'll be away at camp for their opening week. I'm sure that the week of her return will be challenging. They have a number of people waiting to enter the program when they complete the move. Their space here has been limited, so they had to limit the number of participants.

This morning, Daughter is upbeat about the upcoming move. I hope that her upbeat attitude will continue and the transition will be a smooth one.

Interesting....

Yesterday evening I told Daughter we didn't have to take her friend to the dance, she could meet him there. This morning, she was dry. I'm beginning to suspect that this last round of bed wetting was a direct result of getting a boyfriend and the drama that followed.

We spent over 3 hours working in the yard today. We spread 15 bags of mulch in the front and did some weeding in the back. Daughter worked with me. She isn't a fast or careful worker, but at least she was out there working. I edged one side of the driveway this morning (I'd done the other side Saturday, but it was badly overgrown and I decided that it was best to not do it all at once). She just doesn't get the concept of sweeping. She did pretty well for Daughter, but I still had to go behind her to clean it up.

I am considering paying for the yard waste removal through the summer my trash service offers. I could take the bags to the recycling center on my own, but the hours are very limited, it still costs money, and I'm not thrilled about transporting the stuff in my car. I also considered a compost pile, but there isn't a good place for one in my yard, and I have lots of stuff to put on it. I'm finding owning a home in suburbia is not cheap.

A Holiday

Since today is Memorial Day, Daughter's program is closed and I decided I'm not going into the office. That doesn't mean I don't have work to do. I am going to write some newsletter articles, and I'm going to work in the yard. I hope to get started in the yard early, as it's supposed to get up to 90 today. It's going to be very humid, so I don't think I'll be doing much work outside once it heats up. I may have to turn on the AC for the first time this year. I had to turn the heat back on last week. It's been a crazy spring.

Daughter told me last night she's stressing out about the prom this weekend. So is her "just friend." He called the church yesterday morning for details about how I'd pick him up for it Friday. I told the individual who answered the phone to tell him to talk to me Wednesday. I told Daughter last night she doesn't need to take him to the dance, she could meet him there. "Thank you!" She was so relieved. This is why I've refused to make plans to pick him up. I figure she'll change her mind a few more times before the dance. The meal better be good, because I'm not looking forward to this dance at all.

I will be firing up the grill today for the holiday. Friday Sister invited us to come to her house today, but I decided I didn't want to drive, I wanted to work in the yard. I hope everyone has a good holiday, and remembers the mean and women who have given their lives in service to our country.

Dealing with the System

I'm in the process of getting guardianship for Daughter. Lots of paperwork. I'm sending her to camp in a week, more paperwork. I'm applying for personal care assistance for her so that that funding can be used to help provide staffing for an out of home placement. More paperwork.

Then there's the ongoing battle with her medical assistance. My insurance is primary, so it just picks up the co-pays on her prescriptions. Except it's not paying the co-pays. I finally go them to cover her insulin pens, but now they won't pay for the needles so she can use the pens. I called them last week. "It's the state's fault. They say she has another insurance that is primary."

"She does."

"Oh, well the pharmacy isn't billing properly. They need to run it through the primary insurance first and then bill us."

"That's what they're doing."

"Well if they can't figure out how to do it, have them call the help line."

So the pharmacy called. The individual they talked to said that the needles aren't covered, but didn't offer an explanation. The person even noticed they covered them in the past. They told the pharmacy to tell me I'd have to call to straighten it out. I think this is where I started, calling them.

I came home from the pharmacy today frustrated, to say the least. I will call again on Tuesday. I will mail out the latest round of paperwork on Tuesday. I will be frustrated, though. It's not only the emotional demands that come with dealing with Daughter and her issues, it's the time demands that come from dealing with the system. I was exhausted this afternoon.

She's Still Alive

It's something of a miracle that she's still alive and I didn't kill her. Sunday mornings are not a good time to mess with mom. We had baptism and new members today, making it a little more stressful than the usual Sunday. I walked by the unlocked kitchen at the church (I'd opened it so volunteers could get in to make coffee for the coffee hour following worship) and found Daughter with her head in the refrigerator. She'd told me she was going straight to the restroom.

I didn't yell, but I did tell her she'd let me know I couldn't trust her. She responded by getting her purse and heading out the door. She was wearing sandals with heels, so I didn't think she'd get very far. A couple went out searching for her when she didn't return as quickly as I thought she would. They found her a mile from the church, headed home. She was not happy at being found, and didn't speak to me until after worship. She sat as far away from me as she could.

We were invited to join the family celebration of the new members following worship, but I decided it would be best to come straight home. The good news is that the congregation is wonderfully supportive. Several were willing to go searching for her. She is apologetic. I didn't kill her (yet).

Easter's Done, Where's the Slower Pace?

I was anticipating a much slower pace after Easter. I wouldn't have the extra work with the more complicated worship services we were doing during Lent. I wouldn't be teaching a book study and developing a PowerPoint presentation that provided a summary for those who didn't read the material without boring those who did. I was sure things would slow down. It was a great theory. The problem is, everything I put off until after Easter now has to be dealt with. Further complicating things is the reality that the late Easter leaves less time before the start of summer-- and vacations.

I've been spending a great deal of time in all the meetings that were put off until after Easter. We are making big plans for the fall, and coordinating them is going to take some work. I am very much into the big picture and coordinating all of our programs around a theme. The pattern here has been, at least recently, that each ministry goes off and does its own thing. Pulling together all the people to coordinate the various pieces takes time. Getting everyone on board and contributing their pieces in a timely manner isn't easy. Just finding a time when everyone can meet is almost impossible.

I'm teaching a Bible study at the conference Daughter and I attend every July, and I need to begin planning for that. I also need to begin working on adult study and worship plans for the fall if everything is going to coordinate. I've decided I'm going to have to find a quiet place away from the church where I can do some work. I have a steady stream of people through my study all day. I love the interactions and conversations that take place, but it makes it hard to focus on a big task. It's time to get away from the office and begin exploring the are in search of good places to get some work done, away from the distractions in my home and study.

I'm really looking forward to the fall, and am eager to begin to lay out the study and worship piece of our plans. Daughter goes to camp on June 6th, and I think that week I will set aside some blocks of time for planning. That is also the week her program moves to its new building. Why wait until June 6th? This week's calendar is already too full-- most days I have morning and afternoon commitments. I'll be gone most of July, so I need to get busy.

Figuring out the Source

Daughter had a very good period of over a week. She was happy, dry at night, being responsible, and then she regressed. I've been pondering the source of the new problems,and have identified several:

Since she was feeling better, she got a new boyfriend. He began making emotional demands upon her, and she got scared. That was the first trigger for her PTSD.

A staff member in her program came in and talked about how her mother and various other family members had been in a bad accident. Daughter has been paranoid about car wrecks and injuries since we were rear-ended 12 years ago at high speed on the interstate. My six month old car was totaled, and we were very fortunate to walk away from it. We were hit in the left rear corner by a speeding car, spinning us completely around. I remember looking at my side of the car hitting the guard rail that had been on the passenger side and seeing the headlights coming toward us and wondering how badly we'd be hurt. When the car stopped, Daughter was wrapped around my arm, sobbing. She has been paranoid about auto accidents ever since. That was the second trigger.

The same day, another staff member was getting calls about her mother, who was in the hospital. Daughter remembers all the phone calls about my parents when they were in and out of the hospital in the last few years of their lives, and is terrified that I'm going to get sick and die. Trigger number 3.

The same staff member, on the same day, received a phone call from her daughter, who had been abused by her boyfriend. Daughter overheard part of the conversation, and filled in the blanks with pieces from her own past. It was at this point that she sent me a text saying she was hearing voices (severe flashbacks). I responded with something about her being safe. Unable to communicate directly with me, she shut down and went to sleep for the rest of the day.

Of course staff are not supposed to talk about their personal lives in front of the clients. As Program Coordinator has pointed out, Daughter may well be smarter than one of them. Program Coordinator sat the staff down today and shared in graphic detail the impact it had on Daughter when they shared personal information with her. She also shared my threat: the next time one of them shares personal information with Daughter that triggers her PTSD, that individual gets to take her home!

"Just Friends" and Residential

Daughter and Boy Friend seem to have different definitions of what it means to be "just friends." For Daughter, it seems to mean that she doesn't want to talk to him or think about him, but the night of the big dance she wants to go with him. For Boy Friend, it means that they talk on the phone daily. Daughter doesn't want to talk to him on the phone-- ever.

I feel bad for the men in her life. She sends them such mixed messages. She is so conflicted when it comes to men and sex. Next week she has a psychological evaluation done in preparation for the guardianship hearing. I finally sent the paperwork in. Filing for guardianship feels like a failure. My goal for her had been independent living, and now I'm asking a court to rule her incompetent and declare me her guardian. Many things will be easier, though, once I'm her guardian. It will be easier to take care of her business once I'm her guardian.

I also talked to Case Manager about the residential situation for Daughter. It looks like she'll go on a waiting list for a placement in an adult foster home with 6-7 other residents. Case Manager really doesn't get the need for 24 hour a day supervision. She wondered again if she couldn't be alone in an apartment with 2 other residents at night. I explained (again) that if she has access to food at night, she'll eat it. If she doesn't have access to food and has a low, she could die. Sometimes they can arrange for overnight staff in the apartment situations, but according to their assessment, Daughter only needs 2 hours of staff support a day. Sigh. I've applied for personal care support, which could get her additional staffing based on health and personal care needs. We'll see what their assessment says about her needs.

On June 6, I will be taking her to camp. I am looking forward to experiencing life without all the food locked up. It may be hard to go pick her up on the 10th....

Surprise!

When I got out of bed at 5:30 this morning, the hall light was on and the washing machine was running. I was pleasantly surprised.

The bathtub and Daughter's towel were wet, and the bathmat had been returned to it's proper place. I was amazed.

Daughter was in the family room watching a show on her computer. This didn't surprise me.

I got dressed and got to work, making lunch, iced tea, sugar free punch, and various other tasks. I finally told Daughter she had to turn off her computer and come to breakfast. She immediately said, "Yes, Mom," and turned it off. Another nice surprise.

Then she vanished into her bedroom. I continued what I was doing and waited several minutes before I realized she wasn't coming right to breakfast. This was more in keeping with her behavior or late.

I called her again. Her response was immediate, "I'm doing my hair." Sigh. She often decides to experiment with new styles, meaning it can take her over an hour to do her hair.

I told her she needed to come immediately if she wanted breakfast, and she did. Another nice surprise.

The final surprises of the morning: she anticipated my need for an umbrella, and reached around to grab one out of the backseat as we approached the church. Then, she asked if she could help me carry things into the church. Since I had my purse, briefcase, lunch, umbrella, and two cups of iced tea, I gratefully asked her to carry one cup of iced tea, and she did. Today got off to a much better start.

Do I Look Stupid?

Monday night Daughter didn't turn the TV off at the agreed upon time, and Tuesday morning she didn't want to get out of bed. Last night I wouldn't let her watch TV. She tried to convince me she'd learned her lesson and would be sure to get up in the morning. I still wouldn't let her watch TV. She asked to get on her computer, and I allowed it, with the stipulation that she not watch any shows on it. She had to be in my presence without earphones. She got on FaceBook. I told her it was time to turn it off and go to bed. She didn't do that. Once again, she wouldn't get up this morning. So tonight, she begged me to let her watch TV or get on the computer, and insisted she'd learned her lesson. I said no. Of course that prompted the usual: I was called names, informed she is an adult capable of making her own decisions and doesn't need my help (of course, she didn't put her linens in until I reminded her this evening), and she informed me she was leaving (the rain and storms put a damper on that).

Eventually she apologized (she's very good at that-- it was her 4th or 5th heart felt apology and promise to treat me better today). She has now gone to bed early, and insists she'll be up before 5:00. She can't figure out why I'm not excited about her commitment to get up so early....

Victim Mode

Daughter has fallen back into the victim mode. When I point out that I've tripped and almost fallen twice over shoes I asked her to put away yesterday evening, I'm the b*tch trying to control her life by screaming at her. (Of course it doesn't matter that I haven't raised my voice and she's yelling at me). It's one of those days when she's going to do anything she can to get me to say something to justify her raging at me. It doesn't matter what I say or how I say it, it will be seen as proof that she is the victim of a terrible mother and justify verbal abuse of me.

Choosing not to engage causes her to escalate. She can't sing the song she's been practicing for over a week because she sang it once with Grandma and it's not fair that Grandma had to die. When that didn't get a response from me, she went on a tirade about how all of creation was stacked against her and trying to make her life miserable. I gently informed her that her problems right now were the results of choices she was making, and that I knew she could do better, she had for almost two weeks. She didn't argue-- she fell asleep, unable to face that reality. I had to wake her up to go to her program. Usually she wants to go down early.

Part of the issue, unfortunately, is that staff engaged in conversations about issues that triggered Daughter's PTSD yesterday. She became psychotic with flashbacks. One was describing a serious auto accident that injured multiple family members. Another was dealing with her daughter who wanted to be rescued from an abusive relationship. That same one was dealing with her mother's hospitalization. They truly don't understand the impact they have on people like Daughter when they share details from their personal lives. Program Coordinator is going to explain again why this is inappropriate.

I know this post jumps around and doesn't make much sense-- kind of reflective of they way life is here in Capital right now....

Evenings at Home

With no meetings tonight, we were home. It was a beautiful evening, so Daughter and I worked out in the yard. I planted some flowers and did some weeding. Daughter worked with me, after first having a hissy fit because I told her no TV. She watched more TV than she was supposed to yesterday, and then didn't want to get up this morning. If watching TV makes it too hard for you to get up in the morning, you don't watch TV in this house.

I had a conversation with my next door neighbor. She may have a teenager who would be willing to mow my lawn while I'm out of town in July. She has several young boys, and I assured her I didn't mind if their play extended into my yard. Daughter wants to kick them out of the yard when she sees them, but it doesn't bother me. Ministry is supposed to be slower right now, but my daytime calendar is filling up. It's all good stuff, but it certainly is keeping me busy. Good thing I love what I'm doing!

PTSD

Daughter's having a bad day downstairs. Several of the staff members are dealing (quite vocally) with situations that serve as triggers for Daughter. She tried to convince me she was hearing voices and I needed to get her medication. I expressed my confidence in her ability to cope and gave her some suggestions. According to Program Coordinator, she shut down. PC came upstairs to deliver something to me, and I confirmed that the conversations would serve as triggers for Daughter. We are also approaching the 2 year anniversary of Mom's death. I hadn't thought of that until PC asked.

Daughter wet the bed again last night. She has an appointment with Therapist today, so hopefully she will be able to help her get back on track.

On the ministry front, Administrative Assistant is gone this week. It is turning into a very busy week. We're beginning to work on fall plans, and while I'm excited by the plans we're making, I already feel like I'm behind. The good news is that the evening commitments are lessening. In fact, last night was my only evening commitment this week. I'm looking forward to evenings at home, and hope I'll be able to get out and do some work in the yard.

Day Three

Daughter wet the bed again last night. She announced this morning that she knows why she's wetting the bed. It's because Boy Friend gave her a friendship ring. She's returning it today and breaking up with him. I think her PTSD was triggered Friday by the anger expressed by Boy Friend and ex-boy friend.

We had another long talk about not needing a boy friend right now. She came out wearing revealing tops, and I explained why that isn't a good idea. She put a blouse over the tank top and spaghetti strap top she'd layered. I don't know that she'll keep it on, though.

It could be an interesting day....

Baby Nephew and Boy Friend

Baby Nephew was baptized this morning. I couldn't be there, as it was graduate recognition here, but we made the drive over to their home this afternoon. It was a pleasant afternoon cuddling a very sweet and laid back baby and visiting with Brother and his family. Sister and Short Niece were there for a while, too.

Daughter has decided to break up with Boy Friend. She was waiting for me to tell her she had to break up, but I just kept saying I trusted her to make the right decision. She was telling everyone she knew that she had a Boy Friend and he's 48. They were all expressing dismay and encouraging her to break up.

She's wet the bed the last two nights, so I told her she needed to tell me what had gone on Friday. Apparently, the old boy friend was jealous and yelled at her. Her PTSD was triggered, she didn't feel safe, and the bed wetting was back. I bought a sack for her mattress today.

She continues to dream of a big wedding, marriage, and children. I reminded her that she has to be able to walk before she can run, and if she wants to achieve her dream she can work on being responsible. I suggested that was more important than having a boy friend right now. Will she take that to heart? I doubt it. I consistently tell her the same thing. Maybe some day she'll take it to heart. I keep hoping.

Emotional Demands

Poor Daughter. Both Birth Brother and Boy Friend are making emotional demands on her right now. She wet the bed last night-- first time in a week. She says it was because of the extra food she was into. I think it was a combination of things. BB wants her to dump BF. He says he's too old for Daughter. I told Daughter I trusted her judgment, and fully anticipated that after the dance BF would be history. She didn't dispute this assessment. What BB doesn't realize is that he's pushing her toward BF by encouraging her to break up with him.

Today we met Sister Best Friend and her mom for breakfast and an art fair. I spent too much money, but it was a fun day. Daughter was quite frustrated because I wouldn't give/loan her any money. Thursday when I gave her the money she'd earned, I reminded her that we would be going to an art fair today. She decided she didn't want money or the art fair, and spent it all on Thursday.

Daughter is now sleeping, and I need to get busy and get my sermon written for tomorrow. I may go sit on the porch to do it, as it's a beautiful day outside.

Some Things Haven't Changed

I went to the grocery store this morning, and then came home and made about 50 breakfast burritos for the freezer. I got a call from one of the saints, who was going to come clean out my clogged gutters, so I decided I needed to head outside and get the part of the lawn that was in danger of getting wet if he used water to clear the clogs. By the time I finished the lawn and came back inside, I was negligent and forgot to put all the groceries away.

Daughter came home and tried to pick a fight with me. That didn't work, so she took a long nap. She woke up when Sister called, and immediately decided she was being neglected and that justified getting into the groceries. I had bought a package of 100 calories packs of a sweet and salty snack mix to put on top of salads. She at 5 of the 6 packs. She confessed when I looked for them to put on top of the salad I was making for supper.

As much as she's improved, she still has an issue with food. I need to be more vigilant about keeping the food locked up. Today was a productive day, though the house is still a mess. I just finished cutting up a bunch of honey roasted deli ham and turkey, and putting it in half cup containers for the freezer. I use them on salads for lunch and supper. I think we're going to eat a lot of salad this summer. I also cooked quite a bit of marinated chicken on the grill last week. It's already in the freezer. I like to have a variety of toppings available to put on salads. I'm going to buy some more half cup freezer containers when we head to the store to pick up Daughter's prescriptions.

She'll be going to camp in a couple of weeks, and they need all the prescriptions in their original containers. As a result, I'm not going to be able to fill the pill boxes for the entire month. I'm going to have to sit down and so some calculating to see how much I can fill....

News on the Boyfriend and Residential

Yesterday morning I received a warning from staff about New Boyfriend. I was strongly urged not to allow him to take pictures of Daughter or Daughter to give him any pictures. It seems he likes to use those pictures when he is engaged in self-stimulation. Of course, Daughter had already given him 2 of her senior pictures.

While I was getting my hair cut at the mall yesterday evening, NB came to see Daughter, transported by a staff member from his home. The staff member helpfully took a picture of Daughter and NB together, and then asked if it was okay if NB printed it out. I said I'd prefer he didn't. NB then began calling me asking when he could have a picture of the two of them together. Sigh.

I'm going to have to set some limits on his phone calls. He's calling multiple times a day. When he couldn't reach us at home yesterday evening he tracked us down at the church and called twice. He also gave Daughter a ring yesterday evening. It's a "real ring from a jewelry store." I'm trying to stay out of it, and I'm really hoping that the relationship will end after the dance on the 3rd.

In Tiny Village staff was not so willing to transport residents to meet Daughter. Of course, there wasn't a mall within 2 miles, either.

In other news, Case Manager is exploring a possible placement for Daughter 20 miles from here. My initial reaction was no way. I don't want Daughter pulled out of her program and the church at the same time she's moving. I feel like that would be too much change for her at once. It would also be harder for me to see her through the week. I fear that moving her that far away would result in her feeling completely abandoned. I prefer to minimize the disruption. She's just stopped wetting the bed, which I see as a response to all the change and uncertainty brought on by our move. Of course, the other reality is I will really miss her when she moves. Case Manager pointed out that there is on demand public transportation available she could use to get to choir practice and such. I agreed she could continue exploring it, but would have to do some praying before I agreed this was a good thing for Daughter....

Freedom is Hard

Daughter earned some money working in the church office yesterday. I asked her if she wanted it, or if she wanted me to hold onto it for her. This morning she told me she wanted it. She was considering how she was going to spend it. I reminded her of several things she had said she wanted to save her money to buy. She asked me what the boundaries were on the money. I told her there were no boundaries, she could do whatever she wanted to do with it. She continued to run through various possibilities and ask me questions about various options. Finally, she said, "Freedom is hard." I fully anticipate that all the money will be spent by the end of the day. That's fine. I won't be buying her things, though. I hope that eventually she will learn a bit more about managing her money. I hope. I won't think about all the times we've tried this before. I'll just hope that this time will be different.

More Progress

Daughter's program was closed today for a staff in-service, so she had to hang in the church office today. Administrative Assistant gave her a big stack of bulletins. Whenever a member is listed in the bulletin as a worship assistant or in prayer care or something a copy of the bulletin is put in their member file. Daughter went through the bulletins and sorted them out, highlighting one name in each, and making sure there was a highlighted bulletin for each name. Then, she put them all in the member files. It took her most of the day, and she finished them all.

Administrative Assistant was amazed, as I was. AA commented on how she worked steadily, had decent speed, and stuck with it until she was done with all of them. It was a huge improvement over her previous attempts to help in the office. She continues to be dry at night, and is more responsible and happier. She also earned some money for her work today. I promised I'd pay her.

The New Boyfriend

Daughter has a new boyfriend. He's 48 years old. He wants to buy us dinner and give Daughter a friendship ring. The two of them are going to the "prom" together. He's bought her ticket and ordered a corsage. He calls multiple times a day. As is typical, Daughter wants us a boyfriend, but is uncomfortable with his desire to talk to her regularly. She wants the status symbol without the emotional demands. Fortunately, he's only at her program 1 day a week, which minimizes their time together.

I hope they can stay together until after the prom on June 3rd. Beyond that, I anticipate they will be breaking up. She was rather dismayed when she found out how old he is. She doesn't like the emotional demands. She does want a boyfriend for the big dance. I'm taking them to the dance. I'm not looking forward to the evening at all. I will go, though, to manage Daughter's insulin. I think the boyfriend dramas are among the most frustrating for me. She sees me happily single. I wish that she would view me as her role model in this area. It certainly would reduce the drama.

Ministry and Parenting

Years ago I read the book Generation to Generation by Edwin Friedman. The book applies family systems theories to churches, synagogues and other organizations. He talks about the importance of the pastor being a "Non-anxious Presence." I have taken his teachings to heart, and have sought to apply them both in my ministry and as a parent. It has enabled me to be an effective pastor in 2 conflicted churches.

Today a colleague posted a link to this video on facebook. I will be using it with my board at some point in the future. I thought some of you raising difficult children might appreciate it, too. It's hard to keep from getting sucked into their drama, but it's crucial for our mental health and theirs that we remain calm. Daughter works very hard at getting a reaction out of me. Today she sent me a text that she wasn't safe and needed help now. I replied that she had a voice and knew how to keep herself safe. I assured her that I had confidence in her. Then she called me, sobbing so hysterically she couldn't even talk. I tried to get her to calm down and tell me what was wrong, and finally informed her that I knew she could keep herself safe, and I looked forward to seeing her at the end of the day. By the time she came upstairs, the crises were forgotten.

We're changing lots of things at the church right now. I'm writing my newsletter column each month lifting up the reasons for the change and acknowledging the discomfort. I'm providing reasons and reassurance. So far, it seems to be working. There have been complaints about minor issues, but if that's all they can find to complain about, we're doing well. I hope others find the ideas in it helpful.

The Realities of Ministry

I had someone having surgery this morning. He wanted me there, so I went to see him before surgery. Another member had picked him up and taken him to the facility-- he had to be there at 6:30 for 8:00 surgery. I got there about 7:00, Daughter in tow. I intended to have a prayer with him in pre-op and then head to the office. I was fairly confident that I could make it into the office by 9:00.

When I arrived at 7:00, he was still in the waiting area. He was delighted to see me. They didn't call him back until 7:40, and then they took him straight to the OR. It was almost 11:00 before I got to the church. Daughter was patient while we were there, but was not happy with the disruption to her routine. I was not happy about losing the morning in the office.

However, it was time very well spent. The man who had surgery was thrilled when I came back to post-op to see him and have a prayer with him. I gained insight into his challenges and into the family of the woman who drove him from the time I spent listening to her while he was in surgery. It wasn't the ministry I planned to do this morning, but it was important ministry and I'm glad I could be there with them.

Explanations

Daughter was dry again this morning, and ready on time to go out the door. She had wet the bed almost every night for r months. I caught flack from others who insisted she must have a medical problem, but I was sure there was an emotional cause, and that she'd stop when she was ready. There were times when I doubted myself, but for the most part I remained strong in that belief. On the way to the church, she was talking about how happy she is about how well she's been doing. She talked about the money we're saving on laundry costs since she stopped wetting the bed. I asked her if she knew what made the difference. She talked about a number of things, but some of her more significant comments included:

"I always knew I could do it, but I kept telling myself I couldn't."

"People had faith."

"I decided if other people weren't giving up on me, I shouldn't give up on myself."

How many of our kids give up on themselves? How many times do parents/the system/whatever give up on kids? Food for thought on a Monday morning.

Cooperation with Humor on Top

Daughter and I picked up one of the saints and took worship to the retirement home this afternoon. After we dropped the saint off, we headed to the movie. It was my turn to pick, and I picked the movie about the surfer who lost her arm to a shark and returned to surfing. Daughter protested a bit about my selection, but once we got there, she loved it.

When we came home I was working in the kitchen, and wanted her help, "Please come give me a hand."

"Sure, did a shark get one?"

Dealing with Disappointment

Yesterday I told Daughter I'd take her to a movie today. She wanted to go yesterday, but I needed to do laundry and write a sermon. She was disappointed, but agreed that it would be good to go to the early afternoon showing of the movie. She was dry last night, so the day started well. She was cooperative, and moved some heavy things around for me when we got to the church.

After worship one of the saints reminded me that the nursing home service is this afternoon. I'd totally forgotten. That meant the early afternoon movie wouldn't work. I dreaded telling Daughter. I asked the saint to tell Daughter she'd see her this afternoon, explaining that she wouldn't yell at her. When Daughter came to ask me about having a treat at coffee hour, I mentioned we wouldn't be able to go to the movie as plan. She said, "I know. She told me we have to go to the nursing home." Then she grinned, "Could we duck out of it?" I answered as she'd known I would, telling her we needed to go to the nursing home for the worship service. She was fine. No complaints.

I really am enjoying her new attitude. I hope it will continue, but I will enjoy it however long it lasts. I think we'll be able to go to the movie this evening. It will be a good way to end the weekend.

Grace

Daughter was so excited when she saw her new mattress. She squealed with delight. I got a hug and she did a happy dance. I reminded her that it could go away again, and I could always bring back an air mattress. Last night she was excited when she went to bed. She was also concerned. I reminded her to go to the bathroom. "Shh! Don't jinx it!" I went to bed with a sense of foreboding, and lay there praying for a while before I could sleep. I resisted the temptation to go check on her, or wake her up to go the bathroom several times through the night. I didn't want this to become another power struggle, where she would have to prove I couldn't control her by wetting the bed.

She wet the bed. She's quite distressed and very apologetic. She told me to get rid of the mattress. "I knew I didn't deserve anything expensive." I pondered my response for a while. Finally, I went into her room and demanded that she look into my eyes. "Listen to me. You deserve to sleep on a good mattress, not an air mattress that is always losing its air and going flat. It's okay. We will make sure the mattress is protected today. It's going to be okay."

I bought an expensive mattress protector at the mattress store that is supposedly water proof. I was concerned last night because it only has waterproofing for the top of the mattress. I think today I will figure out a way to wrap protection around the side. It's called grace. I hope that it will help her get back on track.

Easing Anxiety

Six months after they moved into the church for a "couple of weeks," Daughter's program is getting closer to moving into their new building. They have had one delay after another, but they finally have a good air quality report, so this time it looks like it will happen, hopefully in the next 2 weeks. Daughter was not pleased to hear this. She has liked the fact that her program is right below my office.

We went out for Chinese food tonight, and then we drove over to the new building, which is in the next town. We started in the church parking lot, and measured mileage and time. I reminded Daughter of how far away she was from me in Tiny Village. She's going to be much closer than she was in Tiny Village in their new building. She was pleased, and very relieved. I also reminded her that I may be right upstairs, but I don't let her come up early or come see me. It's a big change, but I think she'll manage it well.

She's very excited about her new mattress. She also has a new boyfriend, and they are going to the "prom" that is at the beginning of June. It's a dinner dance, and we're still negotiating whether I will go and manage her insulin. She wants to prove to me she can handle it on her own. I'm still pondering my options. I wish my anxiety about her on her own at this dance could be as easily resolved as her anxiety over the distance to the new building....

A New Mattress

Well, I can finally get onto my blog, but several posts seem to have vanished. Hopefully they will reappear at some point....

This morning I bought Daughter a new mattress. She has made it 4 nights, and 5 of the last 6. I did buy a water proof mattress protector to put over it, but she is quite proud of herself and I hope that she has put the bed wetting behind her. Some of her comments in the last 24 hours:

"I'm trying to be responsible, but it's hard."

"Mom, I was responsible with the refrigerator! I didn't sneak behind your back. I just got out the things I was supposed to!"

"I got tired of listening to your lectures."

"I don't think I've ever been this happy."

"Before I move to the group home...."

How long will this last? Who knows. I'm going to enjoy it while it does. She thanked the choir for their prayers last night and told them she was doing much better now.

One more week of choir, and then they're done for the summer. I'm looking forward to that. Yesterday we got home about 3:45. I mowed the lawn, grilled some sausage for supper, took a shower, and was back at the church by 6:15. Of course, I'm going to schedule some more meet the pastor gatherings, so I'll still have some busy evenings. It should still be a slower pace, though, so that's okay.

Dreams of Camping

Daughter was dry again last night-- 3 in a row, 4 out of 5. I told her I was considering a vacation. She indicated she didn't want to go camping. I told her that was the only way we could afford our favorite vacation spot. She decided she could handle 5 days. She actually got up through the night last night to go to the bathroom. She's very happy and proud of herself. I'm going to have to work to maintain my resolve that it's time for her to move.... When she's being cooperative, I enjoy having her around. I think next week I'll look at making campground reservations.

God's 2 x 4

Sometimes I'm dense. There are times when God really has to work hard to get my attention. Sometimes God has to pull out a 2 x 4 and whack me up side of the head.

This week, the preaching resource I use lists the wrong Scripture passages for this Sunday's lectionary. Instead of sheep and Jesus as shepherd, it talks about Jesus as the vine and talks about God pruning us to make us bear more fruit. Several months ago I decided to preach on this passage and call it "Fearless Pruning." I was thinking of the rich young ruler, who wouldn't let Jesus prune away his possessions, and walked away sad. I was thinking of individuals who remain in abusive relationships. I was thinking of how hard it can be to allow God to prune us. Of course, that's not a problem in my life, or so I thought.

This morning the leader of our retreat challenged us to go deeper. We had an hour to reflect and pray. I was pondering what it is that holds me back. I was writing out my thoughts. I wrote, "What holds," and my phone rang. It was Daughter. She was sobbing hysterically. It took a few minutes to get her to calm down enough to speak. I was on the phone with her for over 5 minutes, reassuring her that she would be fine and I'd see her this afternoon. I finished the call and came back to my papers. "What holds me back?" I finished the question, and wrote Daughter's name next to it.

I picked up a labyrinth with a stylus and began to run the stylus along the path. Every time my thoughts turned to Daughter, the stylus would jump out of the track. Pruning, holding back, jumping track. I began to get the message. I've asked my colleagues (and now I ask my readers) to pray that I would have the courage to follow through on getting Daughter a placement. Pray that Daughter will accept and adjust to the change. Pray that an appropriate placement will become available soon. My colleagues are going to ask me if I'm following through when they see me. Whoever is in town will gather for lunch once a week at a restaurant here in Capital. It was a wonderful retreat. I'm grateful to have been asked to join them. We shared deeply from the challenges of ministry and family life. We are all human, we all have struggles. I a grateful that I will continue this journey with them by my side.

Daughter survived respite. I'm still sorting through her stories, trying to separate fact from fiction. She was dry last night, so that's good. When she went upstairs to get her lunch from Administrative Assistant, she told her she had a great time last night. I had 4 phone calls from her. A teary one last night. A chipper one this morning followed a couple of hours later by the hysterical one, and then the 4th phone call was actually from staff, seeking information on her lunch time insulin, as they'd misplaced the information I sent with her yesterday. I will be attending 5 of these overnight retreats from September to May. Maybe by the next one she'll be in a placement....

Retreat

This evening I will be going on an overnight retreat at a conference center just north of here. I'm looking forward to the time away. I have decided not to take my computer. I really do want to get away from it all. If the withdrawal gets too bad, I'll have my cell phone, which gets email and goes online. Administrative Assistant says that cheating. I think it's being prepared.....

Daughter has been very chipper all day today. She has called multiple times, and came up to give us a fashion show after she found a dress for the upcoming dance at a thrift store. She's very excited. I wish I knew what had caused the shift in her, but she certainly is more pleasant than she was a month or so ago. I will enjoy it how ever long it lasts. Hopefully it means I won't be punished too much for leaving her at respite.

To Laugh or To Cry

Tonight is the night Daughter goes off to respite and I go on an overnight retreat. She's handling the anxiety remarkably well. She tells me every so often she's very scared. She decided to take a stuffed animal that I gave her with her. She packed on her own, so I hope she packed what she needed. I decided not to check on her, as she was very proud of being responsible. This morning I put two (sloppy) french braids in her hair. I did it after we got to the church. I figured it was an acceptable way for her to get some mommy time before she goes to respite tonight.

She was quite proud of the fact that she was dry this morning. I expressed my pleasure then asked, "How did you do it?"

"It was easy. I went to the bathroom before I went to bed last night."

"Don't you do that every night?"

She looked at me like I was an idiot. "No."

Sigh. Her third air mattress in the past six months is no longer holding air. I'm considering buying her an inexpensive mattress that has plastic covering on it. She's been dry twice this week. If it becomes a pattern, I'll go buy it. There's a mattress place right down the street....

Mother's Day

Daughter struggled with Mother's Day yesterday, as many adopted kids do. She wanted to do something special for me, and it was hard for her. She wanted to make supper, and was easily overwhelmed. I had to talk her through it and provide some help when she became too overwhelmed. She made fettuccine alfredo with an easy recipe she found in a cream cheese cookbook. She wanted to add chicken to it, but it quickly became obvious that would be too much for her, and was grateful when I suggested it wasn't necessary.

I'm grateful for her attempts to make it a nice day, and glad I was patient enough on a Sunday evening to remain calm and supportive as she struggled. I wasn't grateful for the low she had later in the evening. She's had two relatively severe lows in the last week. If she wasn't so closely supervised, I'd think she was taking extra insulin again. Tomorrow night is the night she goes to respite. It will be interesting to see how she does. I have to confess, I'm a little less comfortable leaving her for the night when she's having this type of blood sugar issues. Fortunately, we both have cell phones, so she can reach me if necessary.

Concert

We had a wonderful piano concert at the church last night, a benefit for Japan by a doctoral student in piano performance from Japan. I accidentally found the secret to avoiding the concert script. Daughter sat in the middle of a row with some church friends. I needed to get up and speak at intermission, so I sat an the center aisle in in the second row. Daughter enjoyed the concert, and so did I. The pianist was amazing. Since she didn't sit next to me. She didn't ask to leave early, or try to convince me she didn't feel good or was too tired to stay. It was a very pleasant evening.

Today she's taking me to a root beer stand for lunch for Mother's Day. No drama so far, so I'm grateful. I'm missing my mom this morning. I'm wearing a pink dress (she loved her daughters in pink) and one of her crosses in her honor. Happy Mother's Day to all moms, especially those who have taken on difficult children. You are making a difference.

Sneaky Saturdays

The last two Saturdays I've had to be some place by 9:00 for church. Fortunately, I don't have many Saturdays when I have church commitments, so this has been unusual. Daughter likes to sleep in on Saturdays. She likes to sleep until 10:00 or so. So last Saturday and again today, I told her I'd fix her breakfast if she was up and ready to leave by 8:00. It worked!

Today was clean-up day at the church. We were cleaning up the landscaping and the exterior windows were washed (by a man who is over 6', enabling him to reach the second floor windows from the ground with his long pole. We removed some river rock and replaced it with mulch. We started a compost pile for the community garden we hope to have next summer. The men had fun with a chain saw and small tractor. Daughter worked hard picking up leaves. She was mad at me when we got there. She saw the doughnuts, and I wouldn't let her stay in the building when I went outside (I'm so mean). She hooked up with one of the men, who worked with her transporting leaves. I warned several people that Daughter had noticed the food inside, so they knew she wasn't allowed into the building without an escort. At 11:00 she was picked up by the saint who takes her walking every Saturday morning. She was glad to get away from the hard work at the church.

There were some who were steering clear of me. I had warned them that whoever injured the pastor had to preach tomorrow. They had a great deal of fun with that. There weren't any serious injuries, though several toes got run over by incompetent tractor drivers. Fortunately, it was a very light trailer the tractor was pulling.

It is a beautiful day here today, and we watched birds, rabbits, and squirrels in our backyard as we ate our salads for lunch. I love my backyard. I added a hummingbird feeder this afternoon. We are getting some very colorful finches at our bird feeders. We're up to 5 feeders plus suet. I had to fill all of them his afternoon. It is so pleasant to sit in the family room or at the dining room table and watch them. In Tiny Village, I lived in an old parsonage. There were 12 steps or so to get into the house, so even the first floor rooms were too high to easily see the ground or bird feeders (at least feeders I could reach to fill). It seems strange that we are more in touch with nature here in the city, but we are, and I'm grateful.