Purifying My Heart

We are all being hit hard by grief right now. Mom died June 9, and we hadn't finished grieving her when it became apparent that Dad's life was winding down. It's magnifying our grief right now. Among the stages of grief are denial and anger. The stages aren't necessarily sequential, but rather, we jump around among them.

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Brother and Sister are both struggling with denial. Far Away Sister and I are angry. We are also frustrated by our distance which makes it hard to do much to help Dad. Sister is in denial, so she is latching on to Doctor's words. Doctor always told her he'd let her know when it was time for hospice. What he didn't tell her was that he didn't believe in hospice. So she trusts him, and believes his assertion that it isn't time over everyone else telling her it is time.

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Doctor, and to some degree, Sister, are the target of the anger that is part of my grief. I am not in denial, and I don't want her to be in denial. The fact that she is there and is his patient representative with the responsibility of arranging his care makes it even harder. To maintain her denial, she's been avoiding doing the things that need to be done to provide the care Dad needs. That feeds my anger, of course, as I feel that Dad's needs are being neglected and it is Sister's fault.

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Today's sermon was about prayer, and one of the commentaries I read this week talked about prayer drawing the toxins out of us when we pray for the people with whom we are angry. I wasn't ready to do that yesterday, I wanted to stay in my anger. The only person the anger was hurting was me. It truly was toxic for me. So I finally prayed and allowed God to draw out the toxins. I shared some of my struggle with the congregation.

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I still grieve the reality that Dad didn't get hospice care in a timely manner. I'm sure he would have benefited from it. Now, though, it's time to move beyond what can't be changed and move into the future. We hope that the end will come quickly. Far Away Sister hopes it comes before bedtime. She thinks that none of us will sleep well tonight, if we're waiting for the call. She's probably right.