Yesterday Daughter had to remain in my line of vision at all times. It's been a long time since I've had to do that with her. I was reluctant to do it, because I didn't want to be her target all day long. She has been so exhausting lately that much of the time I haven't wanted her any where near me. It had become clear, though, that she was making very poor choices and could not be trusted at all. She was "stuck on stupid" and showed no desire to get unstuck. So, I went back to something I used to do a very long time ago-- telling her she had to keep herself where I could see her at all times.
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Much to my surprise (and relief), it wasn't an exhausting day. In fact, as the day went on her mood lightened and she became more cooperative. Why would making her stay within my line of vision make her happy?
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My parents ongoing health issues have created much stress. (As of now, Dad is out of ICU. The bleeding has stopped, but his hemoglobin is still low, so they're still giving him more blood. Mom has not only regained the ability to swallow, she's picking up the glass of ensure and feeding herself.) Whenever she is stressed, Daughter regresses. I have also been stressed, and Daughter has been frightened. Am I going to keep her safe? Can I keep her safe when I'm so distracted? Do I still love her?
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So, she's testing me again. Yes, eventually I'm going to figure out that she's not taking her medication and that she's sneaking food. Yes, I will rein her in when I need to to keep her safe. I am paying attention. I do still love her (even when I'm angry with her). She can relax. Life is okay.
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She will continue to be on a short leash, but I think (hope) she is done escalating. I think when I made her stay in my line of vision yesterday, she was finally convinced that will continue to keep her safe-- even from herself. I get frustrated with her for not realizing she can trust me, and frustrated with myself for not recognizing what is going on sooner. Maybe eventually one of us (or better both of us) will learn....
4 comments:
I am glad things are improving. I have been thinking of you.
yikes, yes it's more than a rad roller coaster, its a constant circle and you are back to start.
My first thought was to answer your question, but I see you did ad they were rhetorical.
I too think she was testing and needed proof that she can be safe.
prayers, owl
I wish I could send rest and a nap a day for you. but I will pray that happens too.
Maybe to keep her safe -- or, given that you and doctor and therapist have talked about these recent problems being attention-seeking stunts, maybe it's at least partly the fact that you're clearly paying attention to her if she has to be in your line of sight. Sigh.
KJK
Thanks, all....
We're going to survive this latest storm. I hope now for some calm between the storms.
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