Cut Off

I’m writing this on Friday evening. I’m not sure when I’ll get internet access to post it. But these are my thoughts as of now, and be warned, I’m feeling very sorry for myself tonight. A death brings out all the worse in a family system. When we began discussing funeral plans months ago, anything I suggested was rejected, so I decided to stay out of it. Against my advice, they decided they didn’t want the standard funeral dinner the church offers, so my siblings have been doing all the things they shouldn’t have to worry about, including cooking multiple stewing hens and buying all the food and paper products. They’ve decided that the church will be too small to hold all the people who want to pay tribute to Mom, so they’ve rented a tent. They are creating a great deal of stress for themselves, and while I am staying out of it as much as I can, I am still catching the backlash.

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Several times now we’ve made plans, and then my sisters have changed them, failed to tell me about the changes, and been mad when I didn’t know about the change. Daughter and I are sleeping on air mattresses in Dad’s old apartment. We don’t have TV or internet access, and the first night we didn’t even have a working shower. Brother noticed it was broken but didn’t bother to turn in a maintenance request. The apartment is a disaster and there is much work to be done in it. Twice now my sisters have scheduled times to work in it and then cancelled at the last minute. So Daughter and I are here in the chaos, surrounded by reminders of Mom, and cut off from the outside world.

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My siblings are collecting sympathy cards and calls. I’m cut off from the internet, so I’m not. I’ve been able to get online briefly at Dad’s new assisted living place a couple of times, but I can’t do much since I’m supposed to be visiting Dad and don’t want to spend much time on the internet—I do a few mindless things, but not much.

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Daughter, predictably, is not coping well. This morning I washed her hair for her. It desperately needed it, and it was an easy way to provide her with some nurturing. I took off her catapres patch, and then forgot to put on a new one. As a result, she was irritable today. My sisters decided to meet back at Sister’s to set up the display boards. Daughter didn’t want to go, but we went anyway. When we walked in, Niece greeted us with disappointment that it wasn’t other family members who were on the way. My sisters ignored us. Nephew came in, and he wanted me to do something with him on the internet. So I went to interact with someone who actually was willing to interact with me, hoping I could also get some internet time. While I was gone, Sister asked Daughter to go outside to play ball with Niece. Daughter sighed, so Sister snapped at her. Daughter stormed out to sit in the car, insisting we had to leave right then.

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I set Nephew up with what he wanted, and left. I stopped and bought a new straightening iron and lotion for Daughter’s hair, and then we came back to the apartment and put 27 Dresses on my computer and I began straightening her hair—more nurturing behavior. While she loved the movie, I was identifying with Jane—always taking care of everyone else to my own neglect. We paused the movie to run out and get a Little Caesars Hot N Ready pizza, and then came back to finish the movie and eat dinner. When the movie was over, Daughter had a meltdown. She wanted to go home immediately and informed me she couldn’t go to the service tomorrow.

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She finally fell asleep leaning against me. Then Sister called and demanded to know why I wasn’t answering her phone calls. Maybe I didn’t answer because I wasn’t getting them. Cell coverage in this apartment is notoriously iffy. She informed me that I was to pick up Dad earlier than planned for the service tomorrow. I said I’d do that, provided I could convince Daughter to go. She’ll go, but I’m tired of being taken for granted. Tonight I’m feeling very cut off and alone.