Another Walk in the Woods

Today, after I dropped Daughter off at her program, I went to yet another park.

It has over 4 miles of trails, and I walked about 3 miles of them. I saw a few people out walking, but not very many.

Part of the trail was stone, part asphalt, and a portion, very muddy.

There was a floating bridge.

I saw a turtle sunning on a branch.

I heard birds all around.

The leaves are budding, but not completely out. The sky was a wonderful deep blue. I wore a sweatshirt, but took it off after a couple of miles.

Yelling

Daughter was slow getting up this morning. Because of lack of time, she only got milk for breakfast. We were still late getting out of the door. I like to be at the church by 7:00. Daughter knows this. When we got in the car, the clock on the dashboard said 7:05. I asked, "What time do I like to be at the church?" in a very conversational tone.

Her response was not in a conversational tone: "STOP IT!!!"

I pointed out to her that I should be the one yelling, not her. She informed me that I was the boss and I didn't have to be at the church at a particular time. I explained that I had a certain amount of work I needed to do, and a time I needed to be at the church to get it done.

She informed me we should be able to go separately. I told her I thought it would be wonderful if I could trust her enough to do things independently, and I looked forward to the day that would be possible. That ended any conversation between us. I think she gets very frustrated when I refuse to be awful and unreasonable with her. She'd love to have reasons to hate me.

Here and Now

When we were in Tiny Village, Therapist would occasionally get frustrated with me. Daughter would have had a rage, and she'd wonder what had set her off. I usually couldn't remember. A survival skill I've learned when dealing with Daughter is to move on quickly and not dwell on the past. So tonight I started reading Here and Now by Henri Nouwen. He's one of my favorite devotional writers, and I was somewhat surprised to discover I didn't already own this book. "We are constantly distracted by things that have happened in the past or that might happen in the future." Today has been a pretty good day with Daughter. I have been stressing, though, about the future and finding (and funding) an appropriate residential placement for her. I need to let go of that distraction and focus on the present. The present reality is that Daughter was helpful with household chores this evening. Just like with the call to Capital, the we will find the right place at the right time for Daughter. Worrying about when and where is nothing more than a distraction that takes energy away from what's important: the present.

Random Thoughts

Last week when I mowed the lawn, Daughter refused to lift a finger to help. This week, she did all the trimming and sweeping. Some of her work was sloppy, but she did it. I'm delighted. She was so pleased with herself. She even offered to take over the mowing, but I didn't think that was a good idea.

It was another busy day at the church. Fortunately, there weren't as many interruptions as we had yesterday. Administrative Assistant and I figured out all the music through the end of June. It took all morning, but it's done.

My mother's brother died yesterday morning. He had been in failing health for years, but it still came as a shock. He was fine in the afternoon, and by the evening he was in trouble. Both of my parents were one of three children, and in each family there is only one sister left.

As we work toward a residential placement for Daughter, the initial news is not good. As of now, they don't think she needs more than 2 hours of assistance a day. That's not enough to cover her medical needs. She had a low today during program that they had to treat several times. She was dropping again by supper time, so I didn't give her any insulin with it. I'm not sure what caused the low today. I may need to reduce her long acting insulin again....

I'm off to start a book that will be discussed on my overnight retreat next Tuesday. Daughter's not happy about going to respite. I'm very happy about getting a break....

Realization

I was at a gathering of colleagues today. We were talking about our kids and the challenges of parenting. As we talked about how car time is one of the best times for conversations, I realized that that is something we lost with the move to Capital. In Tiny Village, everything was at least 20 minutes away. Here, we're rarely in the car for more than 5 minutes.

Of course, this evening I was intentional about spending time with Daughter, trying to engage her in conversation in the car and playing cards with her this evening. She didn't want to talk, and she wasn't thrilled about the cards. I had just heard how much she hates how busy I am, and how I never had time for her. I pointed out that when I made time for her, she rejected it, so she'd best not complain about me being too busy....

"Does Your Brain Ever Stop?"

We had a committee meeting tonight at the church. I was talking about plans for fall, and all the options and the things I was trying to sort out. One of the women asked, "Does your brain ever stop?" Administrative Assistant was there and immediately and firmly said, "No!" AA has compared my brain to the sun's solar flares-- I have brain flares-- ideas popping out all over the place. There are times when it drives her crazy.

Last week I was pondering an idea for banners for our celebration of Pentecost on June 12. I talked to AA about red, yellow and orange streamers that could hang loose and we could have a fan blowing on them to tie in the wind and the fire of the Spirit coming at Pentecost. AA built on my idea, and today she showed up with spools of red, yellow and orange ribbon she had found at the dollar store. She took a brain flare and is gathering the material to make it work.

I love being in ministry with these people-- and the energy is resulting in lots of brain flares. Some of them even lead to good ideas!

The News

I was about to go to bed last night when I saw that the president was going to be speaking shortly. So much for sleep. As I listened to the commentaries and watched the celebrations, my thoughts went in many different directions. As I reflect on those thoughts, I realize they come from two very different, occasionally conflicting roles: Citizen and Christian.

As a Citizen, I'm glad that bin Laden is no longer able to encourage terrorism. This feels like justice long delayed for a nation still dealing with the aftermath of 9-11. I'm in awe of the military personnel who went deep into a foreign country to carry out this operation, keeping casualties to a minimum--even after the failure of one of their helicopters. I'm grateful for their courage and skills. In the midst of those good thoughts, I also have fears as a citizen: What will the backlash be from bin Laden's supporters? Will this aid their recruitment efforts? Will this weaken al-Qaida, or be a rallying point that will strengthen it? What effects will this have on the political scene? Will it weaken the contention that the President is weak on terrorism? Will it cause politicians to set aside the rhetoric and petty issues to come work together for the good of our country? These are just a few of the thoughts churning through my mind as I ponder the implications of this operation for our country and the world.

Then there are my thoughts as a Christian. Where do I begin? I'm remembering what happened in the Garden of Gethsemane on the night of Jesus' arrest. From the 26th chapter of Matthew: 51 Suddenly, one of those with Jesus put his hand on his sword, drew it, and struck the slave of the high priest, cutting off his ear. 52 Then Jesus said to him, “Put your sword back into its place; for all who take the sword will perish by the sword."

How do we, as Christians, justify killing someone? What message does this give to those who aren't Christians? What happened to turn the other cheek? What happened to forgive, and judge not? As a Christian, I cannot celebrate the killing of bin Laden. On the cross, Jesus offered words of forgiveness to the ones who had hung him there. I don't see anything in the Gospel that justifies what was done yesterday. Yes, there are some things in the Old Testament that might seem to justify it, but we claim the Gospel. We claim a very different way of life. We have taken the sword, and I fear we will now perish by the sword. What I see ahead is more death, and more suffering. Even if it is the end of al-Qaida, that doesn't make it right. As Christians, we're called to a life of service. We follow the Prince of Peace.

A Walk in the Woods

This afternoon Daughter and I went to the park where the saint takes Daughter to walk on Saturday mornings. It is one mile from my home. We walked through woods along a river. I saw wildflowers. I heard birds. I saw lots of people playing Frisbee golf.... It was hard to believe we were just a mile from home. I could hear traffic, but that was okay. It was wonderful! The trail was very nice, though part of it was underwater. I'm sure we walked well over a mile today. There is another park in our community that is a little further away that is not developed-- no Frisbee golf or playground equipment. It has 4.5 miles of trails. We'll have to explore that one, too. I told Daughter that I think a walk in the woods is going to become a Sunday afternoon tradition. She was delighted that she was able to show me the trail she's been walking every Saturday. She pointed out favorite trees and rocks to me, and was quite disappointed that we didn't run into any snakes. You can see the forsythia blooming, and the trees are beginning to bud. In another week or so they should have leaves. The temperature got up to 71 today-- it truly was a beautiful day.

After the park we went to the grocery store, and then I cooked hamburgers on the grill. The first hamburgers of the season are always the best. We brought the grill, table, and chairs around and put them on the back patio. It was so pleasant. In Tiny Village, we couldn't eat outside because of all the flies (the result of the large hog and turkey operations near us). We enjoyed eating outside. I could hear the birds singing, and watch the finches that were coming to our feeder right around the corner of the house. I'm going to get a hummingbird feeder to put out, too. I'm loving the variety of birds we can see right in our own backyard.

I'm going to be able to get my nature fix on a regular basis even if we don't get to go camping this year!

Pulpit Exchange

The Capital area clergy did a pulpit exchange this morning. It was fun. I did one of my first person, leave the pulpit use minimal notes sermons. The regular pastor at the church where I was normally is tied to a manuscript in the pulpit. I apologized t her when she showed up after finishing at the church she had drawn. It was fun. I told her that if we rotated churches through the cluster, we could go years without writing a new Sunday after Easter sermon. She thought that was a great idea.

One of the couples from the church went to the church I was at. They'd been married in that church 50 years ago. They had a great time connecting with old friends, and were amazed by the number of people they knew. We all went out to eat following the service. The restaurant where we ate was next door to a store having its grand opening today. We went over to the new store after lunch. This is the first of this chain in the Capital area, and it was packed. We bought several things, and the line wrapped around to the back of the store. Fortunately, it moved relatively quickly.

Daughter mentioned the possibility of a hike this afternoon. I think that sounds like a good idea. I also think I'll pull the grill out of the garage and fire it up for supper. It's supposed to get up to almost 70 today. I'm looking forward to the warmer weather. I hope everyone has a great Sunday.

Saturday

I had a workshop to attend this morning, and planned to drag Daughter along. I promised that if she was up and dressed by 7:45, I'd take her out to breakfast. She was, and I did. We were able to walk to the workshop, which was in the church at the end of our street. I actually live closer to it than the pastor does, though he is still within walking distance, and he does walk most days.

The saint who takes Daughter walking picked her up from the church, and then brought her home after their walk. It has been a somewhat lazy day here at home. I'm struggling with the sermon for tomorrow. The Capital area clergy are doing a pulpit exchange tomorrow, so I'll be traveling across town to lead worship. A couple in the church I serve was the first couple married in the church where I'm preaching tomorrow. I've convinced them to go to worship there. I'll introduce them. They celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary a couple of months ago.

Daughter has heard from Birth Brother again. He's figured out where we can meet him. Daughter is freaking out. She is torn between her desire to see him and her terror at the thought of seeing him. It will be interesting to see how this develops. The good news is she is talking to me about her concerns about seeing him. That is major progress.

Plan 6,354

Daughter's line recently has been, "I'm 24 years old and I should make my own decisions. You can't control me."

Yesterday evening I made a list of all the tasks that have to be done here through the week. I put M by the ones that I have to do, and left the rest blank. I handed it to Daughter and told her she needed to mark the things she would do to contribute her fair share to the household. We took turns choosing things. She has now chosen pretty much the same things I was asking of her. Now, though, it is her choice. Now she can't complain that she has to do everything around here.

Will it work? Hopefully for a few days.

While I Was Mowing

First the positive. I spent a couple of hours outside working in the yard. It's cool, but the sun is shining and it is wonderful to spend time outside working in the yard. I was multi-tasking, as I was contemplating Sunday's sermon as I worked.

When I came in for a break, I realized I hadn't seen the snack mix I bought at the warehouse club Wednesday. I checked the car, just to make sure, and then went to Daughter's room. Now I understand why her blood sugars have been running high. I didn't get all the food locked up before I went out to mow the lawn. This was the result. Sigh.

A Different Perspective

I got up a little early this morning so I could watch the wedding. As I watched it, my focus was a little different, perhaps, than most. I was looking at the elements of the service and liturgy. It's an occupational hazard, it's hard to just it and worship without critiquing it. So I sat here comparing the wedding to what I do in weddings. Mine are quite different, not just in size and scope, but in the elements of the service. Brides are not property to be given away, so while fathers walk brides up the aisle, they are not asked to give them away. I do, however, ask the family to pledge their support.

In the services I do, Scripture and reflections come before the vows. Scripture is the foundation and sets the stage for what follows. The promises and vows are a response to what God has done. Daughter slept through it all, of course. I told her about it last night, but she has been to far too many wedding in which she had no interest-- as a preacher's kid weddings have lost their magic for her.

But I'm not a total cynic-- I thought Kate's dress was beautiful, and I hope and pray that they will be able to overcome the pressures and expectations on them to build a happy life together.

"I'm Too Ashamed."

Tuesday night Daughter begged me to let her finish watching a show on her computer at bedtime. I refused, since she had not gotten up in the morning. She threatened to get up and finish it in the middle of the night. I hid the computer in my (locked) bedroom.

Yesterday evening I went to the warehouse club and bought a new lawn mower. I wasn't going to buy a self-propelled one, but it was all they had, so I did. Looking at the weather forecast, I decided I'd best mow when we got home. I asked Daughter to help by trimming. She insisted she'd rather work in the house. I told her she needed to put away the clean laundry, clean the half bath, and take care of trash and recycling. As I was finishing the mowing, she came out and announced she'd done all her chores and wanted her computer back. She wanted the keys to go get it. I informed her I'd get it out when I was done with the lawn. I told her she'd get it faster if she did either the sweeping or trimming while I did the other. She turned and ran into the house. For a brief moment I had hopes she was getting a broom. I always have hope.

After I finished, I discovered she hadn't taken the trash or recycling to the curb. I made three trips to take all of it out. I went into the house, exhausted. She was sitting in a recliner with her feet up petting Kitten. "How does it feel to use your new lawn mower?"

"I'm exhausted! I just had to do the entire lawn by myself and now I'm having to finish your chores."

Her bedroom was a mess (again), so I told her to go pick up the dirty clothes and trash on her floor. She stormed into her room and laid down on the floor. She refused to do anything the rest of the evening, including making her bed. Her reason? "I'm too ashamed." I suggested she could turn it around by doing something, but she'd rather wallow.

This afternoon she saw Psychiatrist. She was mad about having to go. Psychiatrist said group home needs to happen sooner rather than later. She suggested looking into a home that specializes in borderline personality disorder (there is one here in Capital). It's full now, but we will watch for an opening. She also tweaked the medication some. When we got home, Daughter went in and cleaned her room-- without any prompting from me. I'll take it.

Clocks

This afternoon I went to visit a woman who loves clocks. She currently has about 20 of them. They are all set to different times so she can hear each one individually. I heard birds, cats, horses, fog horns, the marine song, waves, Christmas music, and I'm sure some other things I've forgotten. It was an interesting visit with the clocks, and a good one for pastoral care.

Daughter went all day without calling or texting me-- it was nice, especially since this was a very busy day. Now we're off to the warehouse store and probably out to eat.

Loyalty

Yesterday I figured out that Daughter is having a difficult time engaging with her New Therapist because she believes if she does, she is betraying Therapist near Tiny Village. We talked about that on our way to her appointment, and then she wanted me to come back with her. After she explained to New Therapist why she is done with Birth Brother, she looked to me because she couldn't explain things. I asked if this was about our conversation on the way there, and she nodded. I explained her concerns to NT and then left them and returned to the waiting area.

Daughter came out of the session relieved and smiling. Maybe, just maybe, this will enable her to do some good work now with NT.

I'm taking my awesome Administrative Assistant to lunch to day-- some told me it's Administrative Professional's Day. It will be a nice break on a gray, rainy day.

The Boys and Spring

The building guys were back today with a rented machine to scrape the carpet off the concrete floor in the nursery. They have been working hard, and loving every minute of it. Two of them are in their 60's, two in their 70's, and one each in their 80's and 90's. They sweat and puff and pant and have a glorious time. As 3:00 approached one of them came upstairs to get me. They were almost done removing the carpet, and decided I needed to do a strip. They also decided they needed to take multiple pictures of me wrestling the equipment for a few feet. Tomorrow they plan to lay new laminate on the floor. I predict they're going to be too sore and tired. They said they'd let the younger guys carry the load tomorrow. I suspect that at least one of the pictures they took of me will end up in the PowerPoint announcement loop before worship Sunday. I won't be around to see it, as we're having a pulpit exchange. I was more than willing to give them the thrill of taking a picture of the preacher operating machinery. I need to keep them happy as many more projects are in the offing. I'm sure they all went home and told their wives about me wrestling with the equipment.

I saw the first dandelions of spring today. I also decided I needed to mow the lawn. Unfortunately, my lawn mower didn't agree. I could get it to start, but it would die immediately. I knew it was on its last legs-- after it was repaired last fall the best it could do was sputter through the job. I'm going to check out prices on line and will probably buy one tomorrow. Maybe after I check out prices on lawnmowers I'll check out prices on lawn services....

Sight Seeing

I got a text from Daughter this morning. She said Birth Brother had changed and wasn't himself and she didn't want to have anything to do with him. I responded by pointing out that she hadn't seen him since he was a child, so she really didn't know what he was like. I told her we'd talk about it this evening.

So this evening I asked what his great sin had been. She called him this morning, and he was talking about how he wished he lived closer to us so that he could see her and take her bowling. She also acknowledged she'd made a mistake contacting him. I feel sorry for BB. Daughter is calling him constantly, but then rejecting him.


The same thing happened when she talked to birth mother. She wants to check them out, like a tourist attraction. She wants to satisfy her curiosity. She doesn't want emotional engagement with them. She's on a sight seeing tour, and is determined to remain in control of the relationship.

I pointed out that she was sending him mixed messages-- calling him, but then not wanting to see him. She commented that she has problems with relationships with men. Yes, she does.

The good news is she's talking to me about these things. I asked her today what caused her to change her attitude and become cooperative. She said she didn't know. I'm going to enjoy it for however long it lasts. Before we headed out for my evening meeting (she stayed at the home of one of the saints), we played a game of cards. She beat me. It was a pleasant evening with her.

The Morning After

After a full day on Easter, I overslept this morning-- the alarm went off at the normal time, but I didn't get up until almost 6:30.

Daughter continues to be cooperative with me. She called Birth Brother last night and left him a message, she was sobbing about how she needed to talk to her brother. When he called back, she was contentedly watching TV with me and didn't have much to say to him. She did tell him she'd sent him a message on facebook, and he finally sent me his email address with an apology for being so slow. I wrote a long email explaining some of Daughter's issues and offering to bring her to a point between us where they could get to know each other.

Daughter and I began our morning here at the church by getting rid of the balloons left over from yesterday. The pictures are from the sanctuary yesterday. I had 5 men from the property team in my office chatting before they began their project for the week: completely redoing the nursery. It will get new ceiling tiles, laminate flooring, and possibly a clear sealer over the murals on the walls.

I brought some paperwork from home that I need to fill out. I'll be in the office today, but the church work done will be minimal. I need to prepare for tonight's board meeting, talk to people who drop in, and may write a couple of newsletter articles. My top priority, though, will be taking care of the personal details that are creating stress in my life right now. After the board meeting this evening, I'll be ready to jump back into the work of ministry.

Christ Is Risen!

I have been missing the youth group from Tiny Village and working with them to plan the Sunrise Service. We always flowered the cross as part of that service. One of the kids posted the traditional family pictures in front of the flowered cross on facebook.

Snippets from Easter at Capital:

Attendance was up 50% over last Sunday. We ran out of bulletins, which is a wonderful problem to have.

People were telling me how much they enjoyed Thursday's service.

One of the three projectors went bad this morning-- we hope it's just that the lamp is going bad and we can replace it and solve the problems.

The choir sang the Hallelujah chorus today-- and did a good job.

We've been doing dialogues, and a couple of weeks ago I figured out that it was easier if we froze two of the projectors and projected the dialogue on the back screen where the congregation couldn't see it without turning around. This morning, the designated freezer forgot to freeze one of the front ones. We had to go back and freeze it and start the proclamation over again.

We had helium balloons tied to the chairs this morning, and one was directly in my line of vision, causing me to do all kinds of contortions to read it. I finally got up and grabbed the ribbon of the offending balloon and handed it to the person closest to it. The congregation was amused, of course.

Daughter continues to be cooperative. In about 30 minutes we'll head out for dinner with Sister Best Friend and her family.

Christ is risen! He is risen indeed!

Hop and Birth Brother

I took Daughter to see Hop this afternoon. She loved it. I found the internet on my new cell phone a welcome diversion. We did a little shopping and went out to eat.

Birth Brother is bugging her to come see him. He was supposed to send me his email address, but he hasn't. Daughter sent him a note on facebook today telling him to please contact me. I'm willing to take her halfway and get a motel. They could do somethings together and I could be near by to help Daughter feel safe. She's telling him all about her boyfriend and is misleading him about her life. I'm sure he's doing the same to her. I've already caught him in a lie. Daughter is adamant about not going to his home to visit yet, but I'm not sure she's communicated that to him. He probably thinks I'm trying to keep them apart.

Daughter bought some DVD's with a gift card Far Away Sister sent her for her birthday. She just tried to sneak her computer into her bedroom so she could watch them tonight. She slept until 10:30 this morning, and is complaining that we have to be at the church a little early tomorrow. It's the first skirmish in a couple of days, though, so I won't complain too much.

Holy Week

This is my first Holy Week here in Capital, so I'm learning a new set of traditions. Maundy Thursday we adapted a tenebrae service I used in Tiny Village. As we moved into darkness, we had the sun setting on our big screens. Unfortunately, there wasn't a convenient door to slam when the grave shut, but we found a sound clip on line we were able to use.

Last night was the community Good Friday service. My predecessor had not participated in the local ministerial association, so the congregation had not participated in the Good Friday service in several years. Daughter and I were the only ones from Capital who attended, and I had a part. It was nice to be part of an ecumenical service. It's nice to have relationships with colleagues. Very nice.

There is only one service here on Easter, and no breakfast. I'll miss flowering the cross, but I won't miss being at the church by 6:30 in the morning. It has been a relatively easy Holy Week on the church this year-- I'm reworking some old things. Administrative Assistant and I have been working ahead on the bulletins, which made thins much less frantic in the office. I have a board meeting Monday evening, and I recruited one of the board members to do the educational piece so I don't have to plan anything for the meeting.

I need to decide today if I'm going to make the top to go with the skirt I made Daughter for Easter, or buy one that will match. The top is trickier than I'd like. I will look at it again this morning and then make a decision. It should be a fairly relaxing day today. Daughter has requested that we go see the movie Hop. We may do that, depending on her attitude today.

Bounce

Yesterday Daughter called and asked about insulin for popcorn. She wasn't surly, which I saw as an improvement. She called again when I was at a lunch meeting with colleagues. I ignored the call, figuring she'd text or leave a voice mail if it was urgent. She did neither

When we got home yesterday afternoon, I began the process of filling pill boxes for the next month. She asked if I wanted help, and I told her not with the pill boxes, but I would like the family room cleaned. She immediately got to work, and she did a good job. After worship last night, Administrative Assistant's Husband and I were practicing for Sunday morning. Daughter helped AA take down the Maundy Thursday items and put up the things we needed for Easter Sunday. I thanked her for her cooperation with the family room and worship set up.

This morning she got up and into the shower without as soon as I turned on her bedroom light and pulled her covers off. She put her linens in the wash with no prompting from me. When I reminded her to pick up the bath mat, she said, "Thank you." As I took her to her program, I thanked her. She said she supposed she still had to go to a group home, and I told her we would continue with the process, as it would take time. I reminded her we'd still be a family and see each other often. She decided that as long as she could take a portrait of the two of us together, it would be okay to move out. I told we would still go on vacations together. That brought up the bed wetting issue. I agreed that I wouldn't take her on vacation as long as she was wetting the bed, and told her we aren't going camping this summer. She commented that she'd ruined things. I told her she still had time to prove to me she was done wetting the bed.

As the conversation continued, she acknowledged that she could stop if she wants to, but is just too lazy to get out of bed when she needs to go. I told her I thought it was easier to get up and go to the bathroom than wash her linens and remake her bed daily. Her response, "But at least I'm getting lots of practice making my bed for the group home!"

How long will this bounce last? I have no idea, but I'm going to enjoy it while it lasts. She's called twice today trying to convince me to come get her. I have refused, and told her I know she can handle the day. In the second call, she told me she just wanted to spend time with me. I reminded her we'd be together for the next two days, and she'd be sick of me before it was over. Sunday we're going to meet Sister Best Friend for dinner at a restaurant. That will be fun.

An Almost Silent Morning

Daughter watched this morning as I took care of the trash she refused to take care of last night. We didn't speak until it was almost time for her to go downstairs. She said, "I get to go to the movies today."

"I'm glad you get to have fun."

"You think I want to have fun?" (shouted, of course.) She then went into a rant about how she wanted to be working and earning money. It's all my fault, of course. That's why I didn't initiate any conversations with her this morning. I knew that anything I said would be an excuse to go off on me. When she told me she was going to the movies, it was a no win for me. If I remained silent, she would have gone into a rant about how I don't care. There was no response I could give or not give that would not have given her an excuse to yell at me. Sigh.

It was hard, remaining silent, especially when I discovered she had slept on the floor of her room last night. I don't know if she soaked the carpet or not. I don't want to know. When/if she moves out I may find myself replacing not only the carpet, but the sub floor. She knows why I don't want her sleeping on the floor (who wants to sleep on the floor when they have a bed?), so any comment on my part will just further provoke her. I simply can't win with her at this point. She will find an excuse to yell at me.

Taking Care of Me

I've set up respite for Daughter on May 10 so I can go to the clergy peer group. There are 5 others in the group. I already know and like 4 of them. I'm looking forward to the fellowship, learning and break from Daughter.

I also left the church to go shopping today. I got myself a new cell phone. I've had a blackberry for the last 4 years, and this time I got the brand new 4G droid. We're supposed to have 4G here in August. It's going to take some time to get used to it, but I think I'll like it.

Daughter told me this evening she doesn't like living with the the tension around here. I told her she was the one who could fix it. She went on to say she doesn't want to move out. She's not ready, she wants to stay with me. She complained that no one is helping. Her Therapist has given her a series of affirmations she is supposed to say to herself at least two times. She refuses to say them. I explained to her that in order to change she was going to have to be willing to do things that are uncomfortable at first. I told her no one could help her if she didn't follow through on the ideas that were offered her. She got mad and went to bed. She went to bed with out doing the work she swore to me she'd do. Of course, I figured when she swore she'd do it that she wouldn't. There are times when she's very predictable.

Confirmation

My decision that it's time for a change is certainly being confirmed. She told me she had to clean her bedroom so she couldn't pick up her stuff in the family room. Then she took her computer into her bedroom and watched TV on it. She's not allowed to have her computer in her bedroom. When I discovered what she'd done, I told her she'd best get up this morning. She responded with a surly, "Is that threat?"

All of her responses were sarcastic and surly last night. I got up this morning, still tired. I managed to lock my keys in my bedroom. That meant no money, driver's license, or access to any food in the house. Thanks to the board members who fixed the lock on the guest room when Daughter broke the lock trying to pick it, I knew how to break into my bedroom. I shouldn't have to break into my own bedroom. A key to my bedroom will go in the combination lock box I have on a post in the back yard today.

When Daughter finally got up (late) of course, her only words to me were a yelled, "I'm sorry for making you late." I quietly responded, "Please don't yell at me."

She is down in her program. I have 6 hours before I have to deal with her again. Well, probably not 6. At some point she'll call or text to make sure I'm still going to be here for her. She may even text me an apology. She's an expert at saying she's sorry. She doesn't seem to understand that she needs to back up her words with actions.

A Decision and Odds and Ends

I have come to a difficult decision. It is time to begin looking for an out of home placement for Daughter. The power struggle with her is taking too big a toll on me. I am exhausted, and my health is suffering. I told Daughter, who was quite distressed. "I never thought about what my behavior was doing to you." I was in tears as I talked to her about it. I told her I'd still be her mom, and would still see her lots, but it was time for a change. Therapist helped her make a list of the pros and cons of moving out, and she decided there are more pros than cons.

I went out to do a visit this afternoon, and left my cell phone in the car. She freaked out when I wasn't answering. She called Administrative Assistant, who assured her I'd be back to get her.

I registered her for a camp for special needs adult camp in early June back before Christmas. I haven't heard anything since I got the receipt, so I sent off an email yesterday asking about the status of her registration. I have yet to get an answer. Last year they lost at least one registration from someone connected with the church. I'm trying not to panic. I want that week break from her. They added a second special needs camp this year because the first one filled up so quickly last year.

I've received an invitation to join a peer support group that has overnight meetings 5 times a year. They have a meeting coming up in early May. I'm meeting with Case Manager next week. I've told her I want respite for that night and I want to discuss other living options for Daughter. She told me Daughter is going to be tough to place. She's high functioning, but needs tight supervision. I asked about accessing resources through her psychiatric diagnoses. Case Manager will look into that. It could take a couple of years to get her into the right place, but it's time to begin moving forward with this. It's past time.

Escalating

Daughter has been working very hard to get a psychiatric hospitalization. She's not getting it, but she sure is trying. It has been a tough few days. Saturday I discovered she has been stealing money from me. I'm now locking my purse up in my bedroom, too. She gave me a card, and then took it away and threw it in the trash becaue I don't deserve it.

Sunday we celebrated the 16th anniversary of her adoption. No, I didn't feel like celebrating, but she took a break from telling me I'm not her mom and she's changing her last name to cling to me, give me frequent kisses, and say in a baby voice, "My mommy." She pointed out it was our special day and we had to celebrate. I took her out to eat, because I didn't feel like cooking and I didn't want to fuel her acting out by sending the message the adoption wasn't worthy of celebration.

Yesterday Birth Brother called her invited her to come visit for a few days.

"How do you feel about that?"

"I want to go. It's just for a couple of days."

"What about insulin, food, and bed wetting?"

"Well, I didn't tell BB this, but I'm not comfortable visiting him yet. I'd rather he come here for the first few visits."

I told her she had to tell him that. I'm going to tell him it would be better to talk to me about things like this first. I suspect I'll be the evil mom depriving long lost birth siblings with the opportunity to reconnect afer all these years. I think I'll suggest we meet on neutral ground some place between us. I can leave the two of them alone to visit and be available when Daughter freaks out.

Of course, who knows if the conversation with BB even took place. Yesterday afternoon she told me she'd checked with one of the saints on Sunday, and I could drop her off there before my evening meeting. She said I should call to confirm. I finally figured out she hadn't talked to the woman at all. I'm tired of the lying.

A friend pointed out that Daughter always amps it up for Holy Week. She is so jealous of my work. I am so grateful for something positive in my life. She sees Therapist this afternoon. Therapist has been briefed. We'll see what she's able to do with Daughter.

Amazing!

Daughter was completely dry this morning. She brought out the things she'd borrowed from the library and asked me to stop by and return them on our way to her program this morning. I'm beginning to think that maybe contact with Birth Brother will be positive. At least she knows he's safe in the States recruiting instead of in Afghanistan or Iraq. She's expressed fear for his safety several times. I'm cautiously optimistic.

Now to enjoy my day off-- from church and Daughter!

Prayer Request

After choir tonight, when there is time for prayer and sharing prayer concerns, Daughter asked for prayers to help her stop lying so she wouldn't get in trouble so much. (I wasn't there, it was reported to me later.) She has acknowledged that making contact with Birth Brother wasn't a very good idea.

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Daughter and I both just spoke with BB. He's an army recruiter. He's on wife number 3, who is expecting his second child. He talked a good line. The box is open, and we can't shut it again. I shared my concerns with him. He has friended me on facebook, and wants to know if the contact with Daughter is causing problems. I think the situation is about as good as it could be right now. I'm relieved.

Chocolate

This afternoon I noticed that Daughter's Program Coordinator had sent me a text this morning. "We think we've located Daughter's brother. I went him a message telling him to contact me." I could feel my heart begin to race. I sent back a text telling PC that this was bad, very bad. Then I told Administrative Assistant, ending with, "Happy Holy Week. I need chocolate." I found some chocolate chip cookies in the kitchen.

The last contact with birth family was 4 years ago and led to 3 psych hospitalizations over a very short period of time. Since then, any discussion of birth family has led to psychotic episodes.

Apparently, Daughter told PC that we had been trying to locate Birth Brother. PC helpfully went on to Facebook and quickly found BB, sending off the message. She decided to give me a heads up, but thought I had been working with Daughter on this.

PC left for a meeting, and Daughter's group headed to the library. Daughter took advantage of the computers in the library to look up BB on Facebook. She entered his phone number into her phone, and called him. He answered. She told Staff he called her.

She called me, "Guess what! BB found me!"

"Would you like to rephrase that?"

"BB found me!"

"I talked to PC."

"Okay, I found him with PC's help."

She has no informed me that we aren't family and she needs to change her last name. I need more chocolate. I'm trying to be optimistic and think this might lead to some healing. It's hard to be optimistic, though, knowing what I know of BB. He has a girl with his second wife that he named after Daughter. Birth Mother told Daughter that BB's girl was just like Daughter. For months Daughter was trying to figure out how to get across the country to rescue BB's girl, because she wasn't safe. I finally told her that BB's girl didn't look like her, and that her mom had been smart enough to divorce BB, so I was confident she could keep her safe. BB is a charmer, a thief, a liar, and while Daughter claims he kept her safe, she has several times expressed deep concerns about the safety of young girls around him. I take that gut fear of hers seriously.

If she has been actively thinking about him and searching for him, it could explain many of her recent behaviors. Unfortunately, I don't see how contact with him is going to improve things. This Sunday is the 16th anniversary of our adoption. Right now it sounds like she isn't celebrating that. I hope I still want to celebrate come Sunday.

Sigh

Daughter's blood sugar was sky high this morning. She immediately told me she hadn't eaten anything. When I was skeptical, she started swearing at me. I reminded her that she'd said the same thing until I discovered she taken a box of thin mints a couple of weeks ago. There was more to the conversation than that, obviously, but I did remain calm and didn't let her blame me. I told her that it was her actions that caused me to question whether she was telling the truth.

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This afternoon I came home and made brownies for the Lenten supper tonight. In the midst of my baking, a neighbor's dog chased one of the neighborhood cats up a tree in my backyard. I walked out briefly to talk with the neighbors who had come to retrieve their dog. Daughter took advantage of the unlocked refrigerator to eat an entire half gallon container of ice cream.

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Her blood sugar was sky high again before supper. Yes, I get tired of this. I don't like having to keep everything locked up constantly. Yesterday Kitten was locked in my bedroom all day. I'm keeping it locked now so Daughter won't get in there and search for spare keys. It's not much fun living this way. Sigh.

Gifts

In the midst of a busy week, one of the saints is picking up Daughter and taking her to see Therapist. I will pick Daughter up there when I get back in town from an all day regional church meeting. I received an email this morning from another saint offering to take responsibility for the portion of the PowerPoint I was supposed to do for Sunday's service. Little things mean a lot.

The Official Start of Spring

I'm not sure which of these events marks the official start of spring: the blooming of the first daffodil in my yard, or the start of the construction season. Both happened today. This summer they are rebuilding the main East-West road through Capital. It is between my house and the church. They have closed the road to all eastbound traffic. The detour goes by the church. Many people are making their own detours. The result is that traffic is very heavy on alternate routes. One woman sat through 7 signal lights today before she could get through. It could be a long summer. Very long.

As I anticipated, it was a crazy day at the church. I lost track of the number of people who came through my office. Some good things are happening, and it was a good day, though a long one. I had two committee meetings tonight. I informed the financial people that we were going to need a new phone system soon. Over 10 years ago someone who worked in the industry gave us a used phone system. It was free. It was used. It's no longer possible to find the owner's manual on-line. It's not supported anymore. It has not been possible to reprogram or modify features. It doesn't support caller ID. I could go on. In Tiny Village, they would have told me it was fine and they weren't spending money. Here, the committee assigned someone to research prices and said it had to be replaced. It almost makes up for the traffic....

What a Difference a Week Makes

Last Sunday when we walked out of church, it was snowing. Today it got up to 80. I came home from church and opened every window in the house. I dragged Daughter out of the house to play ladder ball. I also moved a bird feeder so that it wasn't over the patio. I tried to get Daughter to sweep up the bird seed, but that didn't work very well. What is so hard about sweeping? I didn't even ask her to do the entire patio-- just the bird seed by the door.

Her behavior is getting to me. I am so tired of having to double lock everything. Part of the reason I dragged her out of the house today was because I didn't trust her in it alone, and I wasn't staying inside on such a beautiful day. She asked to walk to the store today. I told her that when I couldn't trust her in the kitchen I certainly couldn't trust her to walk to the store alone. She doesn't see the connection. If she hasn't done it in the last 5 minutes, she's not doing it anymore. I've had trouble falling asleep the last two nights. Last night it was after 2:00 before I fell asleep, and I was up before 5:30. I haven't taken a nap this afternoon in the hope that I will be so exhausted I'll sleep well tonight.

This is going to be a very busy week. I broke my own rule, and have commitments 4 evenings in a row. I have a regional meeting Tuesday that I am very tempted to skip, but I'll be good and go to it. I think we're in pretty good shape for worship between now and Easter. The challenge is going to be getting ready for the Wednesday program. Last week I got a lot done on that on Monday, but tomorrow the church is going to be invaded by our building team. They are going to be rehanging things in the sanctuary, painting the upstairs kitchen, and hanging cupboards. Each one of them will have to come in and chat with me at some point. We've told the man who is over 90 and just got out of the hospital that he is not to climb up any ladders. He's not too happy about that. Each of the guys will want to stop by my study to chat at some point. I'll enjoy the conversations, but it will make getting the Wednesday program ready a challenge. The mission chair also wants to come in and talk to me about the mission meeting tomorrow evening. I'll probably hear again about how the bickering between two of the building team members drives him crazy. It doesn't thrill me, either. Hopefully they'll come to chat separately so they aren't bickering in my study.

Monday was supposed to be my reading day-- a day when I'd be alone in the church and could get lots done without interruptions. That worked for the first couple of months, but now everyone knows it's an opportunity to stop by and chat without other people around (except the other people who have come by to chat). I'm not going to discourage the drop-ins, because important conversations are taking place. It's part of getting to know the congregation. It's part of ministry. Interestingly, it's the men who drop by on Monday-- I guess that way they figure no one will know they're coming to talk to the pastor. A good night's sleep and I'll be ready to go.

The Joy of Being Passive Aggressive

It was time for a new strategy. Daughter was getting to me. I'm determined not to let her drag me down. So, I decided I would see if I could be more passive aggressive than she is. I really am having a good time with it. I'm doing all the laundry, with the exception of her linens. I did ask her quite sweetly if she needed the washing machine for her linens. She declined. I made some discoveries as I was doing laundry. Last night she said, "Don't worry, Mom, I'm cleaning the lint filter." I have carefully explained to her on numerous occasions the importance of cleaning the lint filter to prevent fires. Of course, when I cleaned it today, I found several days worth of red lint from her sheets.

I hung up all her clothes and took them into her bedroom and began hanging them up in her closet. I discovered that she hasn't stopped hiding clothes she doesn't want to deal with on the floor of her closet, she has just been hiding them further back. I carefully hung them all up as she watched and fumed, telling me to leave them alone. I apologized for expecting too much of her and assured her I wouldn't ask her to take care of her own clothes in the future. I told her while I was in there I might as well collect all the empty hangers, since she has so much trouble finding them when I need them.

I have apologized numerous times for doing things that might distress her. I've sweetly asked her not to swear at me, since I don't swear at her because I know how much it scares her. I've patiently made her lunch, and asked if she needed me to clean out the cat boxes for her. I've cleaned both of the bathrooms. When I found mud all over the floors I'd just cleaned, I asked if she had mud on her shoes. "A little."

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"Oh, okay. That's why there's mud all over the floor. That's okay, I'll just get the vacuum cleaner back out."

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She has expressed frustration, but has not lifted a finger to help. Her room is still a disaster. I told her that was okay, I knew I'd been asking too much when I asked her to take her dirty clothes all the way to the hamper. She hates it. For today, I'm enjoying annoying her. Will it make any difference? Probably not, but at least for today I'm enjoying being the one who is doing the annoying rather than being annoyed.

Different Rules

I discovered the cause of Daughter's high blood sugar yesterday evening: she'd stolen a box of thin mints out of the pantry along with those crackers. There were three cookies left when I demanded she return them. The girl scout cookies are now gone. I finished of the thin mints and the two peanut butter patties that were left last night.

I let her sleep in this morning, finally calling her a little after 10:00 (she'd gone to bed at 9:00 last night). She was obviously wide awake when she responded by swearing at me. She did get up, shower, and go for a walk with the saint who picks her up every Saturday morning. She home with a cursory, "sorry." She then sat down in the family room and watched as I began cleaning the kitchen. She was picking up on my frustration, and didn't like it. It's all right for her to swear at me, scream, throw things, slam doors, etc. It's not all right for me to be frustrated and allow that to come out in my actions-- no yelling, but I may have put some things away forcefully.

She stormed out of the house. I called her back. I'm not in the mood to go searching for her today. She told me I was scaring her. I told her she needed to go to her room if she wasn't going to help, as I didn't want her staring at me while I worked. She informed me it is Saturday and she shouldn't have to work. Except she hasn't worked all week. I told her to take the trash out Wednesday, so she emptied the inside wastebaskets and left the trash can sitting in the garage. She is refusing to do anything properly, and I've decided it's easier to do it myself. That doesn't mean I'm going to do it for her entertainment, though. I've already run the vacuum cleaner, washed dishes, and cleared off the counter. Next come the bathrooms and kitchen floor. At some point I have to go to the store today. I'm sure that will be a pleasant trip. I have to take her with me, since I can't leave her home alone. It's going to be a long day.

Time to get back to work.

"You Know I Hate You"

I was in the basement working on Daughter's skirt for Easter when I realized I hadn't put the cable locks on the cupboards and refrigerator, so I came upstairs (they were locked, but only with one set of locks). Daughter was in her bedroom, and I was immediately suspicious. She insisted, of course, that she wasn't into anything. I asked to smell her breath. Her reluctance told me she'd been into something. Yup, I definitely didn't smell the ice cream I'd just given her for a snack.

"What did you eat?"

"Salt."

"You weren't eating salt. What were you into? Do I need to go search your room?"

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"Crackers."

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She had gone searching my bedroom and found the spare keys for the pantry locks. She's not even supposed to be in my room. I confiscated the keys, and located all the other spare keys I have around the house. They are now in my pocket. I'm not sure where I'm going to keep them. After confiscating the keys, crackers, and doing a quick search of her room, she announced, "You know I hate you!"

"That's okay. You can hate me. I sill love you and will work hard to keep you safe."

"Back off!"

I returned to the basement and her Easter skirt. When she got hungry, she came down to apologize. I told her I thought her apology had more to do with hunger than remorse. She didn't argue that point. I took an individual serving of Spanish rice out of the freezer and handed it to her. I made her show me her blood sugar on the meter and gave her insulin. When I finished the skirt, I came upstairs. She wanted to snuggle, so I let her lean against me as I watched TV. At bedtime her blood sugar was sky high. She insists she wasn't into anything. Of course I don't believe her. Sigh.

55 and Partly Sunny

I had a funeral yesterday. When I looked at the weather forecast, it was supposed to be partly sunny and 55, so I decided I wouldn't need a coat for the committal service at the cemetery. The funeral was at 11:00, so it would be almost noon by the time we got to the cemetery, after all....

It was damp, gray, and 39 when we got to the cemetery. Fortunately, it didn't take long at the cemetery. It did warm up some and we did see the sun in the afternoon. I ended my day by holding a beautiful 3 week old baby in my arms last night. It was a good day.

I have dropped Daughter off at her program and I will be heading to my sewing area in the basement. I'm hoping I can finish her Easter outfit today and get started on an outfit I'm making for Baby Nephew. Right now, though, I'm enjoying watching cardinals and yellow finches at my bird feeders. It's nice to see a splash of color on a rainy, gray day.

Daughter's Cooperation

So I'm in the midst of a crazy week. Daughter, of course, has to use this week to push and test. Yesterday evening she announced, "I know why I didn't feel good and was grumpy today. You forgot to give me my pills this morning." Wonderful. I sat down to work on the funeral yesterday evening and promptly fell asleep. Daughter was waiting for her linens to finish in the laundry. She finally gave up, saying she'd just use a blanket (she didn't put her linens in yesterday morning, and it was late when we got home). When she told me she was going to bed I got up and gave her her pills, but apparently I totally forgot about her basal insulin. So this morning she triumphantly showed me the high number on her meter, and said, "You forgot to give me my Lantus last night!"

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I told her that it's her body and she's responsible. She needs to remind me when I'm tired and forget things. Will she? Probably not. I am human, and sometimes it's hard to keep all the balls in the air. Administrative Assistant even suggested I lay down in the office after the funeral so I'd have enough energy for the evening round. Instead I got some work done, and decided I won't come back to the church after my visit with the new baby. Administrative Assistant will get someone to bring Daughter home and make sure Daughter packs up my computer and brings it (tight schedule tonight-- 6:15 appointment at the church that requires my computer, and I have to be in the next town by 7:00 to visit the new baby). Tomorrow is my day off, so I'll drop Daughter here in the morning and won't be back to the church (or do any work for the church barring emergencies) until 8:00 Sunday morning.

Over Scheduled

I skipped walking this morning so I could finish up the handouts and PowerPoint for today's Lenten Study. This morning I edited the funeral bulletin for tomorrow. I got those done just in time for the noon study. We finished that at about 1:30, and I went into the office and proofread the newsletter. As I was finishing that, member came in and told us the story of his Dad's trip to te hospital. Then it was time for a committee meeting. I left the meeting early to go the funeral home. I got back to the church and spent a few minutes sitting with Daughter. I revised the PowerPoint a little for tonight's study. I began working on the funeral for tomorrow morning. I went down to the Lenten study and led it. As I was gathering equipment and papers the group set up for tomorrow's funeral dinner. I got home at about 8:30, over 13 hours after I left the house this morning.

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I now have to finalize the service for tomorrow morning's funeral. I'm tired. It's been a great day. Both Lenten studies went very well. The groups were responsive and willing to share and be vulnerable. It's a crazy week, but we're managing to get the work done. I'm glad I can give witness to the resurrection tomorrow as we celebrate the life of a remarkable woman. I will admit, though, that I am really looking forward to my day off on Friday. Tomorrow will be just as busy as today, and it will include an opportunity to meet and cuddle a new baby. I'm looking forward to that.

Perfectionism

I was the oldest of four children, and Mom worked hard to challenge me to be my best. So, when I proudly showed her a picture I had drawn as a preschooler, she informed me she was ashamed of me, I knew the sky went down to the horizon, but I'd only put the blue sky at the top. I didn't know what horizon meant, but I knew I had disappointed Mom, I wasn't good enough.

When I started school, she wanted me to be my best. I'd come home with my report card, and she'd tell me it was a same I had ruined a beautiful report card with a B+ in math. As high school graduation approached, I discovered I was going to be co-valedictorian. She was delighted an gave me a hug. After reflection, she told me it was a shame I'd let my class down. If I'd worked a little bit harder, and improved one grade, the girl who had bypassed calculus for an easier math class senior year wouldn't be co-valedictorian with me.

I could go on, but you get the idea. The message I got was that I wasn't good enough. If I wasn't perfect, I wasn't good enough. That wasn't the message Mom intended to give, but it was what I heard. I finally decided if I couldn't be perfect, at least I could be needed, so I threw myself into being the third parent for Sister and Brother, who were 10 and 12 years younger than I am. My senior year of high school, Mom went to work, and I was usually the one who stayed home to take care of Sister or Brother when they were sick. I struggled with severe depression for years, and still experience it occasionally.

Sister wants to challenge Short Niece to do her best. She is in first grade, and because Sister has identified her as gifted, her teachers give her extra homework. Sister works with her on the homework, which has to be perfect. Short Niece is gifted in manipulating Sister, and so she does none of her homework independently. The other night Short Niece was doing homework. Sister stepped into improve it, making her add things to her report and finally erasing and rewriting some words for Short Niece. Sister's Ex-Husband (they still live together thanks to the real estate slump) intervened, scolding Sister for doing Short Niece's homework. He said she'd done the same thing to him when she typed his college papers, rewriting them because what he did wasn't good enough. She called me to tell me how terrible Ex-Husband is. I reminded her that Ex-Husband loves Short Niece, too, and wants what's best for him. I told her she needed to be careful, and told her the story of what Mom's attempts to challenge me had done to me. She was shocked. Surely Mom would never have done that! I explained that Mom was intending to tell me I wasn't good enough, and that when she saw what her messages had done to me, she changed the way she parented Sister and Brother. She was also adamant that she wasn't doing anything like that to Short Niece.

I called and warned Far Away Sister that Sister was mad at me and would be calling her. Far Away Sister is the mother of Tall Niece, who has genius level IQ and is headed off to a prestigious university. Tall Niece is a remarkable young woman, and very balanced. Sure enough, after work Sister called Far Away Sister to complain about how terrible I am. Far Away Sister didn't acknowledge we had talked, but suggested that Sister was walking a fine line, and it was important that she didn't push Niece too hard this early in her academic career. She told Sister that the best way to handle Short Niece was probably somewhere between Sister and Ex-Husband.

I hope Sister listens and examines the ways she is pushing Short Niece. Daughter has helped me overcome my perfectionism. I've realized that Daughter is wonderful and valuable and I love her not because of what she does, but because of who she is. I'm grateful that Daughter has taught me that, and that I've been able to apply it to my life. Sure, my perfectionist tendencies still get in my way sometimes, but I am no longer paralyzed by deep depression.

Creating Drama

This happened couple of weeks ago, and I was reminded of by Miz Kizzle's comment regarding Daughter's love of drama. There is a young man in her program I'll call R. She has had an on again off again relationship with him since she started the program. I have told her that she needs to stop teasing R, and that he doesn't understand the concept of "just friends." She tells him she just wants to be friends and he thinks she wants to be his girl friend and have sex with him. She was furious with me because I wouldn't let her invite him to her birthday party to meet the family.

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R and Daughter are two of the higher functioning individuals in the program. A couple of weeks ago Program Coordinator came upstairs to make some copies, and brought R along with her. I said hi or good morning or something, but didn't enter into a conversation with either of them. Daughter was very jealous, so when PC and R got back downstairs, she informed PC that she shouldn't take R upstairs because I hated him. Of course she said this in front of R, who was hurt. PC tried to reassure him, and finally sent me a text explaining what Daughter had said and asking if I hated R. I told her to tell R I didn't hate him, Daughter was just jealous. She did, and he was somewhat reassured.

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PC was off to a meeting in the afternoon, and R took advantage of her absence to give Daughter a drawing he had done. It was a very crude stick figure with a square body. It was quite clear, though, what was at the bottom of that square body. He helpfully labeled the picture with his name. Daughter, of course, was quite distressed. She didn't show it to any of the staff, but showed it to me when she got upstairs. I knew she hadn't done it from the style of the drawing and the writing on it.

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When shown the picture the next day he acknowledged drawing it and that it was wrong. In addition to the instruction to show the picture to PC, Daughter got a lecture from me. I told her I didn't hate R or anyone else. My instructions to stay away from him were because she was teasing him and that wasn't fair to R. I pointed out that in telling PC in front of him that I hated him, she had hurt his feelings, and the real issue had been her jealousy that he got to go upstairs with PC. She acknowledged that jealousy had prompted her actions. I haven't heard of any incidents between Daughter and R since that one two weeks ago. I know there will be more at some point (staff has been told they need to keep the two of them separated-- that has been their instructions forever, but they don't always follow through). I also know when there is another incident, most if not all of the responsibility for it will belong to Daughter.

Insurance

There are 3-4 different blog posts floating around in my brain from incidents today, but I think I'll go with the insurance one. The others require more reflection, and I'm tired tonight. Daughter is on my insurance, but she also had medical assistance as a disabled adult. My insurance is primary, so basically MA picks up co-pays on things. When we moved her to Capital, I had to pick out a plan for her through one of the private insurers MA partners with. I picked out a plan where the doctor I'd gotten her was a provider. Then we got her new card from the MA plan with the name of a different doctor on it. I had to call twice before they sent me a corrected card.

When I went to get her prescriptions filled in January, the co-pay had gone up to over $200 a month. Her new MA plan requires prior authorization for a number of her prescriptions. I called about this, and asked them to send me the forms to take to her doctors to get the prior authorization. Nope. They couldn't give them to me, but the doctor's office would have them and know what to do.

So I started asking the doctors' offices to do prior authorization. I had to convince the doctor's office she needed these prescriptions. We've gone through a number of different birth control prescriptions before we found one that worked for her. I didn't want to start that process again. Her plan doesn't like insulin pens. I'm willing to use syringes for her night time insulin, but the pens are much more convenient for before meals, especially since she has to draw up her own insulin before lunch. Syringes can be tricky. MA likes a different brand of meter than my insurance company. Right now we both use the same meter. I want to continue using the same meter. The Nurse Practitioner didn't see that as a medical reason and refused to get a prior authorization for that. Okay, then put her on mail order for that (my insurance company penalizes us if we don't do mail order, but the mail order company doesn't take MA). She said she'd do that.

MA didn't like the antibiotic for her kidney infection. They required prior authorization. I just paid the $80 co-pay. I wasn't going to allow permanent kidney damage while they decided whether she really needed such an expensive antibiotic. I went in last month expecting that with the prior authorizations, her co-pay would be back to about $20. Wrong. So we saw the doctor last week and I asked what had happened to them. The nurse called the pharmacy and the pharmacy said she didn't need prior authorizations for any of them. I explained that she didn't for my insurance, but she did for MA. She said they'd take care of it. Yesterday I got a message from the pharmacy. Apparently I will be getting a refund eventually, but it has to go through their corporate. Okay, sigh of relief.

When the mail order place didn't get a prescription for her test strips, I asked them to request one. Today the test strips finally arrived (a month after I began trying to get them switched to mail order). The new prescription is for half of what she needs. I wanted to cry.

After a good night's sleep, I will call the doctor's office tomorrow. When the nurse tells me she's testing too often, I will ask her which test she wants me to eliminate. Am I supposed to guess on her blood sugar to calculate her insulin before a meal? Should I tell her not to test in the afternoon to see if she is really low and needs a snack? (She is about 25% of the time-- working on getting that figured out). Maybe they'd prefer I'd send her to bed without checking to see how big a snack she needs at bedtime. I'll try to be patient as I explain it all again, I really will, but there are times when I'm not feeling very Christian about the whole situation.

Wow!

Monday is Administrative Assistant's day off. She showed up at the office this morning. She wanted to print off a couple of things for a meeting tonight, but she could have done that right before the meeting. She saw a death notice in the paper, and knew I would be doing the funeral. She knew it was my first funeral here. She came in to see what needed to be done in preparation for the funeral Thursday. That kind of support is awesome. I am grateful to be working with such a fantastic AA.

In other news, Daughter thinks it's unfair that I won't allow her to stay upstairs on her own during my meeting this evening. I told her I thought it was unfair that I couldn't trust her around food and have to use double locks in the kitchen at home to keep her out of food. She was mad, but had the wisdom not to say anything.

"You Should Have Lied"

This morning as we were driving to the church, Daughter asked me, "How did I do on helping getting ready for company this weekend in terms of percentages?"

She was obviously quite proud of herself and looking for praise. My response did not please her. I pointed out that having to inspect her work took my time and was frustrating, and that her goal seemed to be to get by with as little as possible, skipping things like cleaning the bathroom sink in the hopes I wouldn't notice. I told her I was about to the point of deciding it was easier to do it myself, and she may have one this one.

She was silent. No protests. No justifications. She didn't try to convince me that I was wrong and she did try to do things properly.

As she sat there silently beside me, I asked her what was wrong, and if she hadn't liked my answer. Her response was quick and to the point: "You should have lied."

Life with Daughter

I was pondering life with Daughter this morning as I unlocked the food. I'd locked the cake for today in the car. I discovered that she'd wet on one of my recliners in the family room. She twice dressed in inappropriate clothing for church. When she finally put on appropriate clothing, I had to send her back in the bedroom to hang up the clothes she'd taken off. I knew she had dumped them on the floor, and later would put them in the hamper rather than hang them back up.

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After the choir sang, she went down to the children's Sunday School. She didn't want the other children showing her cousin around. Then when we got home, she didn't want to have anything to do with her cousin. Yesterday she didn't want all these people coming to her party; today she was disappointed that Baby Nephew and his family couldn't come.

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I enjoyed the day. I'm exhausted, but it was a good day. I'm not too worried about whether Daughter enjoyed it or not. I don't think she could give me an honest answer. I'm not sure she knows whether she enjoyed it.

More Thoughts on the Party and Chores

Tomorrow we'll have Sister, Short Niece, Sister Best Friend and her Husband here to celebrate Daughter's birthday. Sister and Short Niece will be here for worship, Sister Best Friend will come when she finishes her responsibilities at her church. Brother, Sister-in-law, and Baby Nephew are doubtful. Daughter was expressing anxiety over the party again today. I'm trying to keep it low key. We're cleaning the house, I baked a cake and made baked beans, and then I bought ham, smoked turkey breast and potato salad. She told me today she was afraid there would be drama. She hears the conversations I have with siblings, and knows that there are times when some poor decisions are made.

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I think more than that, though, she's uncomfortable with being the point of the celebration. It's okay if we have a birthday cake for her at Easter, but to have family gather just for her, that's different. I finally told her that the only way there would be drama would be if she created it, and if she did, I'd send her to her room or the basement and I'd enjoy having family here. That ended the protests.

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She "cleaned" the bathroom, and then I went behind her and cleaned the things she didn't clean even after I pointed them out. I've about ready to give up on getting her to clean anything around here. I'm tired of playing the game. She tries to get away with doing as little as possible while insisting she did the whole thing properly. When I point out the things she's missed, she starts yelling about how only God is perfect and I expect too much. Maybe it is too much to expect her to clean the toothpaste out of the bathroom sink when she cleans the bathroom. I've been reluctant to let her win this one, but the ongoing battle is getting to be too much.

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She has gone to bed, and I'm enjoying the peace and quiet in front of the fireplace. This may be the last fire until fall. I hope it will soon be warm enough I don't want to build fires....

Weekends

During Lent, I am reworking some dialogues I wrote 3 years ago for Tiny Village. Because I'm working with someone else on these and because so much of the work was already done, it means that when I leave the office on Thursday, I'm ready for Sunday. I even have the liturgy printed out and in my notebook. I don't have anything hanging over my head on Friday and Saturday. I don't have to worry about getting the sermon done. I get to relax, and truly enjoy time off.

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This happened when I did the dialogues 3 years ago, too. I resolved to get sermons done early every week. It didn't happen. There are so many other demands on my time, that despite my best intentions, I would find myself finishing the sermon on Saturday night. I hope that this time it will be different. I hope that after Easter this year I will continue to get things done early. I hope that the memory of the freedom to truly enjoy my time off will be the spark I need to get things done early. I can always hope.

Friday

Daughter had a doctor's appointment today. Her blood work was good. Her thyroid is enlarged and has some cysts, but no cause for alarm. I'm not very happy with my pharmacy right now. When the doctor's office called about getting prior authorization, they told them we didn't need prior authorization. We don't for my insurance, but we do for medicaid. As a result, I spent another $100 plus out of pocket to cover Daughter's prescriptions this month. I'm going to go have a conversation with the pharmacy, obviously. I may need to change to the one that the agency uses, but the location and hours are very inconvenient. This one is between the church and our home. On a more positive note, her appointment was at 9:00 on the other side of town. I dropped her off at her program by 9:30. Now I'm cooking and cleaning and watching a worker struggle with my TV.

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It's nice, having this day at home without Daughter. I can leave food unlocked. I can enjoy peace and quiet. I got to watch some yellow finches at the bird feeder today. I really do love my house. I realized that with all the trees in my backyard I can look out and be reminded of camping. A wonderful reminder and a mini vacation right in my own family room.

More on the Birthday Party

So yesterday Daughter asked if she could invite a friend to the family celebration of her birthday. . "Who?" . "You'll probably say no." . "Who do you want to invite." . "B" . "No." .

B is one of the consumers in her program. She wants to be his friend, but as soon as he gets too close, she rejects him. She flirts, teases, and then rejects him. Staff has orders to keep them apart during the program. I have repeatedly explained to her that B doesn't understand "just being friends," and interprets her attention as meaning she wants to be his girl friend and have sex. She isn't being fair to him. She still wants a boyfriend, though. She wants one desperately, right up until the point there is any desire for physical contact.

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She went on to explain to me that she wants to invite him because she doesn't want family coming to her birthday. Sigh. I'm sure when Sunday she'll be glad to see them. At least I hope she will.