Contradictions

Yesterday evening was a very frustrating one with Daughter. Sometimes the contradictions that are part of life with her are disorienting. Yesterday afternoon she sat in a chair directly across from me sleeping and totally ignoring me. If she did open her eyes and I spoke to her, she didn't acknowledge me or respond. Finally, around 5:00, she said, "I suppose it's bed time now."

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"No, it's 5:00 and you need to go to your room if all you're going to do is sleep." She grabbed her linens out of the dryer and went into her room, slamming the door to express her displeasure.

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About 8:00, she came out sobbing, "I'm so sorry for being such a jackass to you."

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"You are very good at apologizing. Show me that you are sorry by taking care of the laundry in the basket."

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"Screw you, Bitch!" She again vanished into her bedroom, slamming her door to make sure I knew she was mad.

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About 10:00 she came out, dressed in her her pj's to get her insulin and pills. I gave her some milk (she missed supper, and had the good sense not to ask for any at this point). She returned to her bedroom. I don't remember if she slammed the door.

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About 11:00 I was getting ready for bed. She came into the bathroom. "Can I sleep with you tonight? I have a reason, my back is really hurting."

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"I'm a bitch, remember?"

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"Sometimes I say things I don't mean."

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"How am I supposed to know when you mean what you say?"

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"I don't know."

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"As long as you are wetting the bed, you aren't going to sleep in my bed." She vanished back into her bedroom.

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This morning I went in and turned on her bedroom light. I was not pleased to notice she'd slept on her floor. I have told her if she wants to sleep on the floor, she has to have the air mattress under her because I don't want urine soaking into the carpet and subfloor. I pulled the covers off of her, expecting the worst. It looked like she was dry.

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I left, and she got up. She came out and told me she was dry. She even showed me her diaper when I asked, and it was completely dry. She requested a breakfast that requires some work from me. I gave her the option of 2 less labor intensive breakfasts, explaining I wasn't inclined to work on her breakfast when she was refusing to do anything around the house. When we got to the church, she volunteered to carry my briefcase in.

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I'm starting the week tired, for some reason.

Sunday

I promised Daughter that if she helped me get some things done around the house this afternoon, we'd go to a movie. She thought that was a wonderful idea. So she's been sleeping ever since we got home. I finally thanked her for saving me the money on tickets and food. I have to confess, though, that I'm not real motivated to do the work, either. I've done a few things in the kitchen, but there is still much to be done.

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This is going to be a very busy week, to say the least. I'm going to have to get quite a bit done tomorrow while I'm alone at the church. Hopefully there won't be too many people dropping by. I need to follow up on several people struggling with health issues right now. We had our 4th Sunday meal today, and one of the women came over and expressed concerns about a woman who has been struggling with health issues and a heavy load as family caregiver for quite some time. I tried to go see her last week, but we couldn't find a time to go because of medical appointments. I'll see if I can schedule something for this week.

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The newsletter is going out this week, and I have a number of articles to write for it. I also need to start preparing the Wednesday studies for Lent. We've had a lot of people sign up for the Wednesday studies, so I need to make sure that it is good so they'll want to be involved again next year.

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I guess since I don't want to do the housework alone, and we aren't going to the movie, it would be a good time to get started on some of those newsletter articles....

Officer Retreat

Today I had my second officer retreat, with the service board of the congregation. This was a shorter day, but just as productive. This group has never had a statement of purpose or a clear job description. Today we looked at the history, acknowledged the problems, developed a purpose, reorganized the board, and set priorities and goals for the year.

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Daughter was cooperative, helping me set up, going for a walk with a friend, joining us for lunch, and entertaining herself the rest of the time. She managed to do a decent job shoveling the snow. We're getting yet more snow this evening. At the meeting, we were discussing who should go visit our snowbirds.

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One of the things that surprised me was that they acknowledged that there are cliques within the church and that it can be a challenge to feel at home and accepted for newcomers. The top priority they set was doing a better job of welcoming visitors and incorporating new members into the church. I was impressed.

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We're also going to track attendance, divide the members into groups by zones, have a program this fall for individuals caring for aging parents (we have a medical social worker who is retiring soon, so we're going to ask her to help lead it), and plan some fellowship events for the summer. We're going to recruit people to do visitation, and train them in May. We're going to change the way we're doing the coffee hour. The group was relieved to finally have a clearly defined purpose and a plan to carry it out. I'm grateful for the time and effort these individuals are willing to put into doing Christ's work in our church and community. Oh-- they saw one of their roles as supporting the pastor to prevent/delay/minimize burnout. We had quite a discussion as to whether burnout could actually be prevented, which is when the idea of delaying/minimizing came up.

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All in all, the work we accomplished was worth giving up a Saturday. I don't have any more church commitments on Saturday for a month, when I have a wedding. I'd like to keep the Saturday commitments to no more than one a month. I think that will be manageable.

She Did Hear

The other day I told Daughter about a training program she might be eligible for in the future. The program has a campus and dorm, and offers vocational services for people with various disabilities. She was offended when I mentioned it. I had hoped it would motivate her. This morning we're at the church where I'm doing an extended training with one of our boards. She will go for a walk with a member at 11:00, color and watch DVD's in the room next to where we're meeting, and join us for lunch and coffee break. I told her that I would pay her to shovel the walk. The pay could be anywhere from $5 to $20, depending on the quality of the work and the length of time it took her to finish the job.

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Now we've been having major battles over snow shoveling, with her insisting she can't do it. Today she decided that my offer sounded like a good deal. She went on to say that she could save the money for when she goes off to school. My hope has been that by showing her possibilities for her future, she would have hope and be motivated to do better. Today, I am cautiously optimistic. Maybe it will work to motivate her. Maybe. There weren't possibilities that could motivate her in Tiny Village. Another reason this has been a good move for both of us.

Daughter's Room

Daughter has spent many hours this week cleaning her room. She had once again managed to hide clothes rather than hanging them up properly. Today I worked on laundry. Daughter removed it from the dryer and supposedly hung it up and put it away. Being the evil mom who refuses to trust my own Daughter, I went into her room and opened the closet door. All the clean clothes were dumped on the floor. She was not happy when I told her she had to hang them up properly. Not happy at all.

Thursdays

Thursday Daughter's group goes to the humane society in the afternoon. Every Thursday afternoon I get a text or phone call about a pet we have to adopt. She promises to take care of it. Sometimes she suggests that Kitten needs a playmate. Every Thursday I have a simple answer for her, "No." Very simple.

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Today I'm wavering. She claims that there is a 3 year old cat who is free through today. He likes other cats, is gentle and friendly, and has been neutered. I emailed asking for more information. I hope their answers will give me an excuse to continue saying no. Kitten does spend much of the day alone-- yesterday we were gone for 14 hours. We went to the mall for supper so I could get a hair cut (my first since we moved-- I'd been getting them every 6 weeks or so). Then it was back to the church for evening commitments. Daughter didn't have choir, but she'd been to the library yesterday morning, so I set her up in Administrative Assistant's office and she watched the DVD's she'd checked out on AA's computer. We were both happy.

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Today Daughter will ride the bus home. She was anxious about it this morning. I reminded her that she is an expert at riding buses, and reminded her of the school year she rode 3 different school buses every day to get to her special school (there were 3 different districts involved in her schooling that year-- it was interesting). This bus ride will be the shortest she's ever had, and she will actually be home before we are able to leave the church most days (I have to wait until everyone from her program is gone to set the alarm).

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Riding the bus home means that I don't have to go back into the church this afternoon. This won't really be a day off, as I have a great deal to do, but I'll be doing it in the comfort of my own home, away from the distractions of the church. It also means that when the new building is finally ready, Daughter will already have had experience with the bus, so she'll only be dealing with one big change at a time.

Back to the Program

Today Daughter's program was in session, which was a relief for both of us. The roads are still terrible, but the buses were running. She had a good day once she got there. Yes, we had the morning battle again. Singing is no longer working. I threatened to dump cold water on her, and that got her moving today. It won't work forever, either. Nothing will work until she decides it's a problem when she wants to solve.

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I had lunch today with a woman who wanted to better understand Daughter. She listened carefully, and was horrified by the history I shared. She had seen Daughter out with her program, and was concerned that it wasn't the right program for her. I agreed that the other participants are much lower functioning, but said the staff was good and explained why she needed close supervision. She understood.

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She also shared that she didn't want a woman pastor, and how wonderful she thinks I am. She says my sermons are great, and each week she thinks they can't get any better, and they do. We also talked about the challenges she faces with her son. It was a good lunch.

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We have another "meet the pastor" gathering tonight. I'm enjoying them. I'm enjoying everything I'm doing, as a matter of fact. I think I might have mentioned that before....

To Laugh or To Cry

Yesterday evening I asked Daughter to empty the dishwasher. I walked over to get something, and discovered that once again she had left a number of items sitting on the counter. "Come put these things away."

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"I don't know where they go."

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"You can ask."

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"I can't ask when you're filling pill boxes and your back is hurting. I need to stay away from you!"

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The whole time this conversation was going on, she was putting the items away, in their proper places, without any direction from me. Sigh.

Amazing People

The folks here at Capital continue to amaze me. I had a woman having surgery early yesterday morning. I had intended to be there prior to the surgery, but we had talked Sunday, and with the predicted weather, she told me not to try. I offered to come out Sunday afternoon/evening, but again there was concern about the weather. She assured me a phone call would be enough.

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So, I tried to call her Sunday evening. They only have cell phones, and I realized that I didn't have her number here at home. The roads were horrible, so I wasn't going to go to the church to get it. I called someone I thought would have it, but the number they gave me was disconnected. I called her husband's cell, and there was no answer. I went to bed feeling bad about not calling. Yesterday I got a call from some friends of theirs in the church. They had gone to the hospital and been with them through the prep and wait. They had been assigned to call and let me know the surgery was over and had gone well. When I got home yesterday, there was an update on my voice mail from her husband, saying she was doing well.

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This morning she called me from the hospital. She wanted to apologize for not responding to my call. She tried to call before surgery, but there wasn't a signal in surgery. I told her I was supposed to be calling her! This afternoon I went up to see her. Her husband and their friends were in the lounge on her floor while physical therapy worked with her. We went in to see her, and she again apologized to me! We had a good visit. I prayed for her to be patient with the healing process, and for patience for her family and friends that they might gently remind her of her limitations. Her husband was chuckling beside me. As soon as I said amen, she turned to him and said, "Gently. She said gently." It was a good visit.

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I also took communion to an Alzheimer's patient today. Her son, daughter-in-law, and some friends were there. I had never met her, but they want me to do the funeral as she used to be very active in the church (then they moved her and didn't inform the church where she was). That was a good visit, too.

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I have a small potted rose and two bouquets of flowers in my study right now. The rose was a birthday gift, one bouquet was from the son and daughter-in-law of the Alzheimer's patient who came to see me last week about the possibility of doing the funeral, and one was given to me today by a woman who wanted to share her concerns/perspective with me on some committee changes we're making. I agreed with much of what she had to say, and am setting up a meeting next week to talk to to committee chairs about how we can improve things.

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Daughter spent much of the day working on filing for Administrative Assistant. Her program was closed today because the roads are still bad. The main road in front of the church hasn't been cleared yet. Our municipality doesn't do a good job of snow removal. Everywhere else I was in the area today the main roads were in good shape. I think my next vehicle will have 4 wheel drive....

More Snow, More Blessings

It's snowing (again). Some of the outlying schools are already announcing they will be closed tomorrow. The streets were getting bad again when I came home from the meeting at the church this evening. If Daughter's program is closed tomorrow, we'll have to find work for her to do. She was exceedingly lazy today. Tomorrow afternoon she has an appointment with her therapist. I hope they begin to make some progress.

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One of the men in the church brought his snow blower over to my house this morning and cleared the rest of the snow from my driveway. Another man saw that my car had been plowed into it's spot, and shoveled around it so I'd be able to get out more easily (I still got stuck-- the wind had blown car evenly under my car, which didn't want to back through 10+ inches of snow. Fortunately, I have a shovel in my car, and a few scoops got me out.

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After getting some work done at the church, I came home and got some work done around the house. Daughter watched. I went back to the church for a meeting, then came home and got some more work done. All the window treatments are back up (over cleaned windows) except Daughter's room and the kitchen. I told Daughter she has to do her own room. There are still several windows I need to clean on the outside, but I think I'll wait for it to be a bit warmer.

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Have I mentioned lately that I love my job? I do. I'm very grateful that God called us here to Capital-- even in the midst of all the snow and cold, I'm grateful.

Mastering Snow

We got an impressive amount of snow overnight and this morning. Those schools that weren't closed for the holiday closed for the snow. I did not go to the hospital prior to the surgery this morning. I will get there tomorrow. We did come into the church, though I'm not sure why. Actually, I do know why-- to get out of the house and escape the caulk fumes.

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Here's where I am getting smart. When I opened the garage door, I shoveled the snow away for about a foot in front of it. Hopefully this will mean I won't knock snow in that will then cause the door opener to take the door back up because it's hitting something. I also decided that it is not my job to shovel the 9-10 inches of heavy snow on the church walks. Hopefully some of the men will make it over to drag out the snow blower today. I also rescheduled the communion I was supposed to take this afternoon for tomorrow.

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I was surprised, but the roads have not been plowed. I didn't expect my street to be plowed yet, but I was surprised to discover that other than the main east-west route through Capital, the other roads have not been plowed. I was sliding all the way to the church, and arrived to discover the church parking lot hasn't been plowed yet, either. I parked at the end of the parking lot towards at one side so that the plows could do their job. It was Daughter's first time walking through over the boot top snow. Even I'd forgotten what hard work it is, and wondered why I'd parked so far from the door.

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I need to go back and look at those pictures of the green shoots coming up in my back yard. Maybe I should go uncover them so I can see them again. Maybe I should make some pastoral visits on our snow birds in Florida and Arizona....

Interesting Conversations and Random Thoughts

Yesterday Daughter informed me she wasn't my property. I informed her that that was right, she was my Daughter. I explained that property isn't important and I don't worry about it the way I do members of my family. That led into a conversation about why I adopted her. I again reassured her that I am glad she's my daughter.

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This evening she asked me to read her a story. She said she was feeling like she was 3 years old for some reason. She was almost 3 when she came to me, so she's back at the age when she first felt safe. I read her Love You Forever. She went to bed content.

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Random thoughts:

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The snow is still falling. I turned on the patio light so I could watch it fall. It's beautiful. Once again my driveway has been cleared by a neighbor with a snow blower. He rang the bell to ask about my new windows. He's considering getting windows, too.

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I have often wondered if the fireplace really makes much difference in the temperature. Tonight we got our answer-- the bedrooms are very cold this evening. The family room, kitchen, and hall are all warmer because of the fire I've kept going all evening.

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I'm hoping we'll be able to leave the house tomorrow to get away from the caulk fumes. It would be nice if I could open the windows and air it out. I need spring to return!

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I'm continuing to have fun preaching with PowerPoint. I realized today how much I've come to rely on the images when I had to adapt the sermon for the assisted living service where I wouldn't have PowerPoint.

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I met with some people after worship about dramas we're going to do during Lent. The enthusiasm for the project is growing. On March 13th we kick it off with the story of the temptations Jesus faced following his 40 days in the wilderness after his baptism. One of the men has volunteered to be Satan-- he will interrupt the sermon at various points to defend himself. It's going to be fun. I have most of the parts filled.

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We have developed a brochure to publicize what's going on during Lent. A number of people have signed up for the Lenten study, and I'm going to do it at noon and in the evenings on Wednesdays during Lent.

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We continue to have visitors in worship, and the congregation continues to offer them a very warm greeting.

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One of the women wants to go to lunch with me this week. She wants to better understand Daughter.

Good-bye Spring

Spring teased us this week, and then it turned cold again. We are under a winter storm warning right now, and the predictions seem to be accurate. Daughter and I went into the store to pick up a few items, and when we came out, it had begun to snow. I had to clean the windows on the car. We brought our groceries home and then went to a local assisted living facility to lead worship. The snow is coming down steadily and the roads are bad.

I built a fire in the fireplace and we aren't going any where the rest of the day. They are predicting 6-8 inches by morning and up to 1/2 inch of ice, though we may be lucky and the ice may go just south of us. I was going to the hospital bright and early tomorrow morning to see a member before she has surgery. We talked this morning, and she told me not to come. I think I'll call her this evening instead. I'm also supposed to take communion tomorrow to a nursing home, but I may reschedule that. We'll see what the roads are like tomorrow. Daughter's program is closed for Presidents' Day, so we don't have to go to the church.

The smell of caulk is still pretty strong. I think those fumes may have contributed to our lack of energy and irritability yesterday. We were gone for about 8 hours today-- that was intentional. I may decide we need to get out tomorrow to get away from the fumes, too. I don't think I want to open any windows today to air the place out....

Sleeping In

Daughter is still in bed. I slept in until 8:00 this morning, and I called Daughter when I got out of the shower a few minutes ago. She said okay, but hasn't moved. She went to bed at 8:00 yesterday evening, so she's in bed almost 14 hours. Was she up eating through the night? I don't know. I know she wasn't up to go to the bathroom, as this morning her bedroom smells of caulk and urine. I don't think I can sing to her today. I'm still frustrated with her.

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There's some anger, but the larger emotions are sadness and fear for her. How am I supposed to figure out her insulin when I don't know what she's eating? How can I keep her safe from herself? I'm going to examine the pantry doors more closely, and see if I can buy some door alarms to put on them. I don't know if I'll be able to attach door alarms because of they way they are designed. I'm not sure the door alarms would wake me up with my c-pap going, but they might slow Daughter down a bit. That's the hope, anyway.

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I need to finish a sermon, fill pill boxes, and clean the windows and put everything away today. Will I get any help from Daughter? Probably not. One of the women from the church is coming to pick her up to go walking at 11:00 today. That will be good for both of us.

Signs of Spring

Our snow has been melting, and the grass has reappeared. There is still some snow around, and I suspect it will be a while before the mountain of snow they cleared off the parking lot at the church melts, but the stuff up near the house is all gone. I went outside today to check on the window installation, and discovered that I have plants coming up. I don't know if they are the bulbs I planted, or things that the previous owners had planted. I do know that they give me hope that spring is coming. I'm grateful for that hope, especially since we have a winter storm alert up for Sunday. They are predicting 6 inches of snow.

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My windows are all installed. They completed the job in 6 hours, and I think they did a good job. I am pleased with the way they look. I was concerned, because they are different from the original windows. The original windows were casement windows, and brown on the inside. These are sliders, and they are white on the inside. The only downside is the odor of the caulk.

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It was not a pleasant evening with Daughter. I won't get into details, but it was not fun. I'm considering informing her case manager that I'm not able to keep her safe at home any more. She's picking the locks on the pantry doors at night.

Discoveries

Yesterday evening I went to the refrigerator to get out some cheeseball I'd taken out of the freezer this week. I couldn't find it.

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"Did you happen to take the cheese ball into your bedroom?"

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"No, Mom. I'm turning it around and I'm not doing that anymore. I'd tell you if I'd taken it."

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I spent the next 15 minutes searching the refrigerator and cupboards, trying to figure out where I might have placed it and wondering if I was losing my mind. Daughter watched.

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This morning the men came to install our new windows. I was told they'd arrive between 9 and 10, and they were here before 9 (I'd just gotten back from taking Daughter to her program and stopping at the grocery store.) It's 2 hours later and the windows are all in. They have to finish the trim outside and vacuum inside. They're gone to lunch right now. Anyway, I went into Daughter's room to make it easier for them to move things out of the way. I discovered all kinds of things:

• The almost empty container from the cheeseball.
• The cardboard that had held a 6 pack of applesauce together.
• Several spoons.
• Numerous food wrappers.
• Chocolate cereal.
• DVD's floating around loose in bags (a never ending battle).

Daughter has some work to do this evening. Sigh.

A Confession

Daughter was dragging and sleeping all day yesterday. At supper she told me why. She'd been up much of the night trying to figure out how to break into the pantry. She didn't succeed, fortunately. I got to thinking, and wondered if she was getting too much insulin, and that was making her hungry. Last night I cut her insulin. This morning her blood sugar was the best it's been in weeks. I told her she would feel much better today.

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Her confession led to a realization which hopefully will lead to improved health for her.

A New One

I got to sing for Daughter this morning-- I added some dance just to keep things interesting. She got up during the first song, so it wasn't too bad. When we got to the church, she fell asleep in my office. When it was time to go down to her program, she refused to get up. Administrative Assistant came in and tried, but she wouldn't acknowledge her, either. A text came from downstairs, asking where Daughter was. I said she was asleep and ignoring me. So the woman who runs the program came bouncing upstairs and into my office, where she sat down on Daughter. Daughter woke up and went down for her program.

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We thought they would be in their new space next week, but the air quality tests came back very, very bad. There is a great deal of mold. Disappointment all around. We're trying to set up transportation home for Daughter on Fridays. I'll bring her in Friday mornings, open the building, and do my walking. Then I'll go home and enjoy my day off. I'll see about getting volunteers to set the alarm after the program people leave.

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The director at the respite house suggested that Daughter begin gradually. I'll take her over for supper and she'll stay a couple of hours the first time. We'll gradually increase her time there and work up to an overnight stay. I think it is a good plan for Daughter.

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Another busy, fun day here at the church. I had another small group gathering to get to know people this afternoon. I'm loving those. I had someone stop by to talk to me about some concerns and give me some history. I'm grateful for people who are willing to come to me directly to talk about things.

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Daughter supposedly doesn't feel good. I let her go to the bathroom unaccompanied. I heard doors opening and closing at the wrong time, so I went investigating. She had locked the bathroom door. I told her she needed to unlock it. "Why?"

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"I know you got something out of the kitchen."

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I heard some paper rustling, and the door open and she handed me a box of gluten free snacks we keep for a little girl who can't eat gluten. Sigh.

Respite

I am blessed with a wonderful Administrative Assistant, and today I delegated a bunch of work to her. She did what I delegated to her and more. I'm finding it challenging finding hymns some weeks-- this congregation doesn't know all the hymns I do, and trying to find hymns that are familiar to them and fit the themes of the worship service can be challenging. AA helped me pick hymns for the 27th this morning, including one that was new to both of us (but we found a familiar tune that fit the words). When I came back from an appointment to check into respite for Daughter, AA had already started the bulletin for the 27th-- I only had to add a couple of things she didn't have.

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The reviews on the meeting last night were good today-- there was some energy and more ideas being generated as we discussed what had happened. This particular committee had a history of being contentious, to say the least. We are reorganizing this particular committee, and the reorganization, refocus, and expansion of the committee members totally transformed the feeling of the meeting. I'm pleased by the enthusiasm and energy-- which continues to grow.

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Today we checked out a place for respite for Daughter. The program was started by parents and has a Christian focus. There are 2 bedroom apartments shared by 2 individuals. They also have two rooms set aside for respite. The director was wonderful about engaging Daughter. They do trips. They've dealt with eating disorders. They have staff trained for insulin. Daughter went from not wanting to even visit to wanting to go now.

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Of course, by this evening her fear of abandonment reared up and she was lashing out at me. We talked through it, and I repeated my assurance that I wasn't moving her there anytime soon. Her case manager and I hope that as she sees individuals living independently, she will want to do that, too. I can hope.

What Happened to Monday?

As you might have noticed, I didn't blog yesterday. I intended to, but I intended to do many things that didn't get done. I had a long to do list. God had a different to do list. Obviously, my to do list got set aside. The longer I'm here the more people drop in for conversations. Many of these conversations have to do with places of deep pain. It is an honor to be entrusted with these stories, to offer a different perspective that eases some of the pain.

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I remember hearing a story of a young pastor who complained that it was impossible to do ministry with all the interruptions. A wiser, older pastor told the young pastor that the interruptions were the ministry.

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I took Daughter out for supper for Valentine's Day before coming back to the church for evening meetings. We also stopped at a craft store and I helped her buy a set of black velvet pictures to color. There are 8 small pictures, and the kit also had markers. These will stay at the church for her to work on during meetings. We got the church at 7:00 yesterday morning, and didn't leave until 9:00 yesterday evening. Daughter handled it-- I think because she did get that attention from me at supper.

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I was a little frustrated with her program yesterday. Last week they came to tell me she was out of insulin pen needles. I gave her 5, and told them they had to keep track of them and let me know when she needed more, they couldn't rely on Daughter to relay the information. I also reminded them that they will soon be moving to a new building, and I will not have the freedom to run over there to bring them supplies.

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I knew that she would be out of needles yesterday, but was frustrated that they hadn't notified me. I was prepared with extra needles, but didn't tell Daughter. Sure enough, at lunchtime Daughter came up to my study with a staff member seeking needles. Now at the time there was a man seated at my work table and we were obviously working on a project, and another man was standing in the doorway, needing information. It didn't phase Daughter, but it did bother the staff person. Once again I stated that they had to figure it out, because I couldn't drop everything to bring Daughter needles after they moved the program.

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The staff person showed up later that afternoon with a piece of paper telling me how long the needles would last, so I'd be able to send additional needles before they ran out. At least she got the message.