A Good Week

It has been  a busy week.  I was at a retreat for the regional church Monday and Tuesday.  It was very affirming of the direction we are taking at the church.  Our vision statement is in line with the steps they suggest for church growth and renewal. 

Yesterday I had the opportunity to hear the story of a woman who began attending the church in July.  I am always honored when these stories are shared with me.  She has suffered and overcome much in her life, and has a faith  and a story that touched me deeply. 

Daughter was in a better place yesterday, which was nice.  Bell choir started back up yesterday, which I enjoyed.  Our vocal choir director came to me with two things-- a good health report for himself, and a problem with hygiene of a choir member.  I prefer good news, but I guess all news can't be good. 

The energy at the church is translating into more participation in various activities, from adult education to working the football concession stand.  We are moving forward in exciting ways.  I continue to be very grateful that God called me to serve this congregation.  Next month I will celebrate 4 years in ministry with them-- and 29 years since my ordination. 

Daughter is unhappy that she can't spend the weekends with  me, and understands why.  I still have to figure out how to better secure the pantry, and informed her she has to get better control over herself around food.  She acknowledged that the high blood sugars were the result of a friend "forcing" her to eat food.  I told her unless he tied her down and forced the food down her throat, it was her responsibility.  That shut her up. 

I did manage to get Daughter's appointment with the psychiatrist moved up.  She seems even less in touch with reality than she usually is. I am so grateful she is no longer living with me.  Life is easier when I can hang up the phone on her when she gets abusive. 

Progress

Daughter is happy with the woman who is becoming the permanent staff member at her house.  This morning she said she no longer wanted to move.  Of course, this afternoon she wants to move because several staff members have asked her why she missed one of birth control pills.  Overall, though, she seems to be doing better. 

It was another great day at the church.  Attendance was good last week, and better this week.  A friend from the conference we attend each summer was in worship this morning.  She told me I'm preaching at the conference.  I guess that means she liked the worship service.  She did tell me she was impressed-- 4 people welcomed her before she sat down. 

I have a retreat with the regional church tomorrow and Tuesday.  I'm not looking forward to it.  I was trying to come up with an excuse not to go.  It makes for a short week in the office.  It looks like I'll get to work the concession booth at the football game Saturday.  I have told them I'm available if they need me.  Looking at the sign-up sheet, I think they'll need me.  Administrative Assistant thinks she'll be needed, too.  Neither of us is thrilled.  There are pleasurable aspects of it, and it is a lot of work. 

Long Week

Daughter seemed a little better today.  It's been a long week.  I picked her up for our Friday evening children's program, but Administrative Assistant agreed to take her home.  I was exhausted.  I will pick her up before church on Sunday.  Since she got into the pantry, she can't come to the house. 

When she is in crisis like this, it is exhausting.  I don't know whether I should look for another living situation for her or not.  I'd prefer to leave her where she is, so I hope the new staff will help her feel safe there.  I never thought I'd be parenting her this intensely at this age. 

It continues to be busy at the church.  Things are going very well.  As I keep reminding AA, it's fall.  Things are going well. 

Rapid Cycling

Yesterday I received an email from Case Manager.  Daughter had sent her an email asking her to convince me to let her move and get her out of the current house.  Case Manager forwarded the email to me and asked for my thoughts.  I responded that Daughter had been working on this idea for a week, and I was surprised it had lasted this long.  Yesterday she was mad at me and needed to get out of the house immediately.

This morning I picked her up to do her volunteer work at the church.  She got in the car and said, "Okay.  I'll listen.  I know you have things you want to say to me."  By the time we got to the church, she was accepting the idea that she should stay where she is and give the new staff a chance. 

By lunch time, she was mad again and refusing to work.  At some point she gave me a note demanding to go to the psych unit.   She then drew me a picture with lots of blood and a list of all the people she was going to kill before committing suicide.  She does know how to get attention. 

By suppertime she was apologizing and agreeing to stay at her current house again.  Have I mentioned dealing with her is exhausting right now?

Protective Services

I received a call from Adult Protective Services this morning.  They were investigating Daughter's house.  The gentleman who called went out and talked to Daughter this afternoon. 

Daughter is adamant that she wants out of her house and will not go to another group home.  She's recruiting a couple from her program to take her in.  Of course, this weekend she broke into my pantry again, and I'm sure these people have no idea of what would be involved in taking care of her.  She wants me to meet them.  She is quite convincing.  I finally told her I'd think about it.  I'm not sure what to do at this point.  I have not heard anything from the Home Owner, who didn't respond to either of my texts yesterday.  She also hasn't responded to the one I sent today about Daughter's program needing more needles. 

I suppose I need to talk to Case Manager at some point.  I find the silence from the house and Case Manager interesting.  You'd think they'd want to offer me some reassurance....

Quitting

Daughter has been having problems with the main staff person at her house.  Staff keeps her TV on all night.  She doesn't always measure Daughter's food or follow her diet.  She complains  to Daughter about things going on in the house, and then tells her not to tell anybody. 

This afternoon Daughter called me.  They were back at the house, but no one was answering the door.  I texted Home Owner, but she didn't  respond.  I tried calling her, but she didn't pick up and her voice mail box was full.  Eventually 3 buses were in front of the house waiting for someone to let the women in.  They eventually decided to call police, as they couldn't wait indefinitely.  Case Manager called Daughter, and Daughter told her what was going on.  Case Manager got someone over there. 

They went and looked in Staff's bedroom.  It was empty.  Apparently, she quit today without telling anyone.  Daughter was quite distressed about it.  "She didn't even say good by!" Once they got in, she called me, sobbing.  During the crisis, she sounded fairly calm.

She continues to complain about having to be the strong one.  She's the only resident with a cell phone and decent communication skills.  I hope the next person hired will have a bit more sense than the last one did. 

Daughter's Big Plans

Daughter likes to dance.  She hasn't had any formal instruction, but she enjoys it.  Staff members have seen her dancing at her program, and they decided to give her a chance to teach a dance class in October.  She is very excited. 

This morning she was up before me, working on a list of things she needed for the dance class:

• a boom box
• CD's
• towels
• dance shoes
• wood dance floor
• mirrors
• a rack for dance shoes
• a rack for walkers (one class will be for people in wheel chairs and using walkers)
• little water bottles
• a refrigerator for the water bottles

So at breakfast we sat down and talked.  I asked her about the goal for the class.  She finally decided it is to have fun.   We talked about what would make it fun.  We talked about encouraging people to move and praising them for any movement at all.  We talked about being positive.  We talked about keeping it simple.  She decided that she has what she needs, though she would like to get the soundtrack from the movie Fame. 

She does like to make big plans.  I was amazed at how easy it was to downsize those plans today.  She's in a good, cooperative mood.  I like having her around when she's like this. 

It's Fall

Several times this week I found myself thinking, "Yup, it's fall."  After a wonderful Labor Day with Sister Best Friend, I jumped into  a full week on Tuesday.  I first thought, "It's fall," as I was arriving home just before 9:00 that night.  There were two late nights this week.  We had more people stopping by the office.  They are beginning to come back  from their cottages on various lakes. We kick off our fall program on Sunday.  We've made some adjustments to the order of worship. 

Daughter has been in crisis, and quite frankly, I understand why she doesn't feel safe.  Staff wasn't going to give her a bedtime snack Monday night.  I had to explain the importance of a snack in light of her blood sugar.  She finally agreed to give her half a sandwich.  They ran out of needles for her insulin pens, so she spent two day reusing needles, which puts her at risk of infection.  Staff is in the bedroom next to her, and keeps her TV on all night.  Daughter says she's not sleeping well. 

When I picked her up and brought her home this evening, she disappeared. I finally called her name, asking where she was.  She was snuggling in my bed.  She felt safe there.  I've emailed the home owner, who was on vacation.  Daughter called in tears this evening.  Home owner is in the hospital following  and auto accident.  I'm  dreading the possibility that I'll have to move her again. 

The Boy Friend and a Good Week

I told Daughter her new Boy Friend needed to call me.  He did, and I told him that Daughter had a history of sexual abuse, and didn't like men touching her.  I went on to say she'd actually made false accusations in the past.  He decided they'd stick with phone calls for now.  Daughter is disappointed, I'm relieved.

I saw the orthopedic surgeon today.  While my arm hasn't healed, there is definite improvement.  I go back in February for "one last x-ray."  I'm relieved. 

I've been busy as we gear  up for fall.  I'm excited about  the plans we are making.  God is doing exciting things at the church, and it's amazing.  This past week I had a board meeting, scheduled interviews for a new childcare provider, wrote interpretive material for out fall theme, visited a woman who has had a recurrence of her cancer, and is quite frustrated with her doctor, worked on our website, helped plan a Taize worship service, picked music through the first Sunday in October, walked the prayer path one of our members is building through the woods on our property, dealt with property issues, visited  with people dropping  in, and laughed.  We laugh  a lot in the office.  We love what we are doing, and have a genuine joy about it.  I love it when I get to do a bit of everything.  It is a huge stress reliever when Daughter is more relaxed and happier.  Knowing that my bones are finally healing is wonderful. 

A Good Day

Daughter is back in a good mood.  She's asking for more furniture in her room, so I guess she's decided not to go to the homeless shelter. 

We are gearing up for fall at the church.  We've been working ahead, but it still feels like it is coming too fast. We've been working on the website and Treasurer is pondering a move to another state.  Administrative Assistant and I don't like that idea, but we will find someone to take his place if he does move. 

Friday I go get another x-ray on my arm.  Six weeks ago it still hadn't healed.  It's now been over 6 months since the second surgery with the bone graft.  I have now had a broken arm for 15 months.  I found a study online.  I am getting appropriate treatment.  It will eventually heal, but according to the study, it could take as long as 18 months.  Obviously I'm hoping it will take less time.  I am lining up people to clear the snow from my driveway this winter.  Even if it has healed, that may put  too much stress on it. 

Here We Go Again-- with a twist

Daughter has a new boyfriend.  This time, though, her boyfriend is not developmentally handicapped.  He is a young man who recently joined the church.  He lives with his parents, but he has a car and a job.  They have been talking after church, and yesterday he gave her his phone number.  He wants to know why they can "hang out."

Here comes the twist:  he is a registered sex offender (children).  His neighbor warned me when he got out of prison and started attending worship.  He has acknowledged being an ex-con, but has not talked about  his offenses.  Right now, I'm delaying Daughter.  I think, though, I'm going to have to have a conversation with him.  If Daughter feels threatened, she may accuse him of sexual abuse and he might find himself back in jail.  I'm also concerned about Daughter, of course.  He could see her as an easy target. 

The good news is that she is in a much better mood this week. 

Rough Weeks

I apologize for my long absence.  The last few weeks have been rough.  Daughter has been in full drama queen mode.  I have been doing a lot of writing at the church, and after dealing with Daughter, I just don't have the energy to do any more writing when I get home.

She wants out of the house and her program. I have hung up on her numerous times over the last few weeks, as I didn't need the verbal abuse.  Some highlights from the last few weeks: 

•  One of the other residents hit her. She had a little bit of bruising, and within a day, it was gone.  She stayed home from program one day, and then when she went back she told them her left ear and eye hadn't worked properly since she was hit. They were convinced she had a serious head injury.  I "cured" her by telling her that I wanted to rest her eye and ear by not watching TV or listening to her music.  I had to stop them from taking her to the ER. 
• She insisted she wasn't safe in the house, that all the residents were violent, that staff was messing up her medications, and she needed to move immediately.  When I wouldn't come get her out of their immediately, she told me she was going to pack what she needed and move to a homeless shelter.
• She was hysterical at program one day, insisting I needed to come talk to her.  Staff called me, unsure of what to do.  I talked to her on the phone  and told her to cut it out, calm down, and ride the bus home. 
• Her house was going on an outing.  She didn't want to go.  It was on a Sunday, and informed me that if I didn't let her come to church, she was done with the church and God. Being a mean mom, I made her go.  That evening she called and was telling me about how much fun she'd had.  She told me they were already talking about  doing it again next year.  Then she paused, "If they do it next year, please don't make me go."  
• She claims she isn't safe at program, because she is constantly harassed and kicked.  
• She did a bunch of extra blood sugar testing, using up all her test strips.  When I confronted her on it, she said she didn't remember doing it.  I guess she thought that was a way of getting around a direct lie.  I informed her the fact that she didn't remember now didn't mean she didn't know it was wrong when she did it.  
• She complained that people were getting in her room.  Someone had stolen her dress and put popsicle wrappers under her bed.  I told her that explained the high blood sugars she'd been having.  Once again, she didn't remember eating them.  Once again I told her even if she didn't remember now, she knew it was wrong at the time.  Her dress had fallen off the hanger and was on the floor or her closet.
• We went to a baseball game with the church.  She insisted she was sick and dying, trying to convince me to leave early.  I refused.  It was amazing how she had a brief recovery to watch and enjoy the fireworks before going back to being sick and dying.

There are were other incidents as well, but once they are over I try to forget.  It's a survival skill with her I learned a long time ago. 

Thursday evening I had a sudden insight into what might be behind all of this.  Over a month ago she had expressed a longing to see the younger of her two birth brothers.  I gave her two times in August when I would take her to meet him halfway.  She contacted him.  He never responded to or even acknowledged her contact.   As were pulling in a restaurant parking lot, I asked her if this was about her brother.  She wondered what made me say that.  I said I'd just been thinking.  She asked me to keep driving around so we could talk, as she didn't want to cry in the restaurant.  We sat in the parking lot for quite a while, talking about her brother.  She sobbed.  I reminded her that he had been damaged, just as she had been.  She recently received a ring from birth mom.  She refused to wear it, as she didn't want to see a constant reminder of her birth family.  She asked me to hide it, because she knew she would  be tempted to wear it, and that wouldn't be good.  I suggested that might be the way Brother felt about seeing her.  Later that evening she sent me a text thanking me for the talk.

Are we through this round of crises?  I hope so.  I've been wondering, though, if discontinuing her lithium (she was developing thyroid issues that could be connected to it) might be behind some of this. 

Hopefully I will find the time and energy to blog more frequently in the future.  

Daughter and New Staff

Daughter does not like change, so she's never thrilled when there is new staff at her house.  She always tells me she doesn't know their name.  She resents having to take orders from them.  She worries that they will mess up her meds and diet.  She called to complain yesterday, and informed me she didn't have to do anything until she was told by Home Owner.  I told her she needed to listen to and respect all the staff.

As I was taking her home this evening, she told me what hard it is for her to train new staff and make sure  they are doing everything right.  I reminded her that she is not the boss, and that she needs to listen to and respect staff, even when they are new. She always responds, "Yes, Mom," or "I know, Mom" in  very submissive way.  Somehow I doubt she is that submissive at the house. 

I'm picking her up after supper tomorrow to spend the weekend.  She will help me get some things done around the house. 

The first week back went well. It's good to be back to work.  I'm enjoying the last few slow weeks before things get really busy again, and trying to get as much done ahead of time as possible. Administrative Assistant and I are back in sync, so that's good. 

Back to Work

Administrative Assistant's prediction of a constant stream of visitors for today was not accurate, and I'm grateful.  There have only been a couple.  Treasurer and I chatted for a while.  He has some interesting things going on in his family, and we have some interesting dilemmas with the church finances.  We are dealing with some major building issues, and need to determine where we will find the money to address them.  I think we have a plan.  He also reported about a potential conflict I will need to address, and I have a plan for addressing it.  It really is good to be back to work. 

The committee responsible for worship and education is meeting tonight, and as I worked on the agenda, I realized that this could be a very long meeting.  We continue to have more opportunities, and I hope we will embrace those opportunities.  I read an article today that talks about how being the pastor of a growing church can be exhausting.  It described our situation beautifully.  I'm going to share it with the board, as we will have a discussion of their priorities for my work.  I can't do it all, much as I'd like to.  It will be interesting to see where they think I can cut back. 

Daughter called me at 7:30 this morning, and I haven't heard from her since.  She is becoming so much more independent.  It's great to see her maturing and becoming more responsible. 

One Hundred Fourteen Years of Experience

I had a wedding this evening.  The couple live across the street from each other, and their spouses died within days of each other several years ago.  Between them they had 114 years of experience in marriage.  They are a neat couple, and I enjoyed working with them.  By the time they came to talk to me, they had planned out a prenuptial agreement and agreed on the fact that their children would be responsible for medical decisions.  They sat through most of the ceremony, as standing was hard for the man.  They had a reception at the church following the service. 

They had arranged for the pianist to play a special song for the recessional.  It was supposed to be small and simple, but weddings always grow. Always.  They went from 50-60 max to over 70.  Their families were meeting each other for the first time today. 

Today we worshiped at the church.  I told them that after 3 Sundays away, I was ready to come home.  People were glad to see us back.  I told Administrative Assistant that I anticipate that I will have a steady stream of visitors tomorrow.  She agreed, and suggested I not plan on getting any other work done.  I think she's right.  I'm grateful I went in Thursday to get a head start on some things.  I'm pretty much ready for tomorrow evening's meeting, which will have a long agenda.

Daughter had a good weekend with me, and I'm grateful. 

A Day of Depression

It seems like every time I go to see my orthopedic surgeon and look at x-rays of my unhealed radius and ulna, I come home and am depressed the rest of the day.  I saw him yesterday.  He pulled out all the previous x-rays so we could compare them.  The good news is that it's not any worst, and it may be marginally better.  Yesterday was exactly 5 months after the second surgery.   I did some research last night and found a research paper on non-union of the ulna and/or radius.  According to the paper, those treated like mine all healed within 18 months,and the median time to heal was 7 months.  Reading the paper was reassuring. For now, I continue to wear the brace and be careful what I do. 

I picked up Daughter yesterday evening, and today is a better day.  We went out to breakfast and to the grocery store, and then came back and tackled the list of things I  wanted to get done before I go back to work.  The kitchen is now clean, and I have gluten free, dairy free preservative free pizza in the freezer along with a dozen sandwiches.  There are some more things I want to get done, but we've made a great start, and if the essentials are done. 

I'm really looking forward to getting back into the routine.  I have ideas percolating for fall, so I'm looking forward to getting them fleshed out. 

Into the Office

I went into the office for a while this morning.  The worship committee is meeting Monday evening, and I wanted to make sure that Administrative Assistant and I had a coherent proposal for some recommended tweaks to worship.  It was also good to catch up with her and some of what's going on at the church.  I have decided we're going to worship there on Sunday, even though technically I'm still on vacation.  I'm ready to be back home. 

I also need to get back into some sort of routine.  I'm still pondering how to adjust my life into a healthier routine.  It's going to take some work. 

Daughter has handled her re-entry fairly well.  There have been staff changes at her house, but she seems to be taking that in stride.  I saw some members today when Daughter and I went to the local diner for lunch.  They were glad to see us, and said they'd missed us both.  I believe them. 

It is good to be back.  Very good to be back. 

The Conference

Before our camping adventures we attended the conference we go to each year.  This year Daughter decided to take adult classes.  The last few  years she has been helping with the children.  A movie clip in class a number of years ago triggered her PTSD, so when the children's coordinator heard about it, she offered her the opportunity to help with one of the children's classes. 

I was delighted to hear good reports from both of her instructors.  The woman leading the Bible study said Daughter has a "wise soul."  I was pleased that she did so well, and am grateful for a nurturing, supportive community that understands her and gives her that opportunity. 

Daughter also did well with her food choices in the buffet line.  There was one morning when she selected two waffles and two hash brown patties for her breakfast.  I informed her that was too many carbs and confiscated the hash browns.  That was the only time we had an issue, and she had a very good week.

I hid the first few days.   I attended my one class and then retreated to my room, where I did some reading and rested.  I just needed some time to myself before I was ready to engage the community.  It was a healing week, and I'm grateful that we were able to go.

Adventures in Camping Part 2

One of Daughter's days when we were at the mall, I convinced her we should get massages at the Chinese massage place.  I got us both 20 minute chair massages.  Working that day were a woman and a man.  The woman took me and the man took Daughter.  I realized part way through that was probably not a good idea.  Sure enough, when we were done, Daughter was furious.  "That man was touching my a**!"  We were side by side, out in the open, so I know nothing improper happened.  I also know that any touch to certain areas of her body are very difficult for Daughter.  I tried to hide my amusement from Daughter, as I know for her it was really was distressing.  But the way she was saying it was rather amusing.  She normally doesn't use that type of language. 

We did a couple of short hikes, but they were all relatively close by and none led to spectacular overlooks.  I didn't want to do the driving, and I was trying to avoid the crowds,as there was a big festival in the area that had attracted lots of tourists.  The more popular hiking spots would have required longer travel through more traffic. 

Vacations can be challenging, as I want to go be away from people and rest.  Daughter isn't thrilled with the outdoors, and wants to be around people and shop and go to movies.  She loves the crowds I hate.  Obviously, on rainy days or days when it's extremely hot, we seek out things to do indoors, which thrills Daughter.  We didn't even take any of our scenic drives this year.  What I did do, which was helpful, was read.  After Daughter went to bed for the night, I sat by the campfire with my Kindle and read.  I finished Barbara Brown Taylor's new book, "Learning to Walk in the Dark,"  which I really enjoyed.  I also spent some time with my journal.  One of the things I was pondering was my level of exhaustion.  I began lists of the the things that energize me and the things that drain me.  My goal is to do a better job of balancing those things.  One of the things I realized is that having a messy house is exhausting for me.  I'm going to work  to get it in shape before I start back to work next week and then make keeping it clean a priority.

We had one night when it poured rain.  Some friends from church were camping there,and offered us shelter in their camper.  Daughter wanted to accept their offer, but I declined.  She cried when we got back to our campsite, and I think had some genuine fear about being in our tent during the rain.  I went to bed at the same time, and assured her we were safe.  Our tent stayed dry, but everything in our screen house got wet.  I'm pondering replacing the screen house before next year.  It is old and is a real challenge to set up and take down each year.  The roof has sprung a number of leaks, which limits its usefulness.  Initial research online has been disappointing, but I will continue to look. 

Today I have designated a lazy day.  I'm hoping the grass will dry enough that I can mow it this afternoon.  It rained this morning.  It was weird-- after getting used to the sound of rain on the tent, I didn't recognize it initially on the roof.  I guess I haven't adjusted completely to being back home. 

Adventures in Camping Part 1

We got home today from a week of camping.  Overall, it was a very good week.  We tent camp.  We have a tent and a screen house.  We have a fairly elaborate kitchen set-up, with a propane stove and a container that has silverware drawers, storage for plates, bowls, and such, and spice racks on the side.  This year I traded in my air mattress for a cot, which gives us more room in the tent (we can store things under the cot).  I had used a cot for years, but 14 years ago we were rear-ended on the interstate, and the resulting back pain caused me to shift from a cot to an air mattress.

Daughter was amazingly cooperative.  Our first day was rainy, so I let Daughter choose the activities for the day.  We ended up shopping and going to see Earth to Echo.  That evening some members joined us for a concert.  I had planned to prepare a meal over the campfire, but it was still raining.  It did stop in time for a fire and s'mores following the concert. 

Last year was very hot.  This year was very cool.  The temperature was down into the 40's a couple of nights.  We had to go out and buy blankets to supplement our sleeping bags.  Once we added the blankets, we slept quite comfortably. 

For the first time ever, I complained about some neighbors.  The people next to us had a small tent and screen house.  They had a huge tv in the screen house, that was on pretty much all the time.  I came back form the restroom at 2:00 in the morning and the tv was on.  Most of the time, it was down so low we could barely hear it.  There were two men, a woman, and teenage girl.  The men disappeared all day, while the others were there all the time.  I finally heard enough to realize that the men were going off to work.  They had at least one person sleeping in the screen house, which couldn't have been good the nights it was raining. 

Then came the evening that another daughter joined them.  She was either yelling or crying. The tv got turned up, and at 11:00 I went to bed listening to a documentary about ghosts-- not exactly pleasant things to listen to while camping.  At 7:00 the next morning, the screaming began.  The woman was swearing up a storm.  I looked over at Daughter, and her eyes were open and she was clearly terrified.  "Can we go to a motel now?" 

In the restroom that morning everyone was talking about it-- several asked me how we'd gotten any sleep.  I knew people were complaining, so as we headed out that morning, I added my complaint.  As we prepared to head back to the campground, Daughter kept asking to do more including things she normally hated doing.  Finally she said, "Mom, I'm afraid those people will still be there."  I told her the ranger had promised to go take care of it right away. 

When we got back, the people were packing up.  Another daughter and toddler had joined them.  They packed an extended cab pick-up truck to overflowing, then packed 7 people and a large dog into the cab and left.  As they were leaving I heard one of the daughter say, "Mom used the n-word!"  I guess they knew the source of some of the complaining.  I had explained to the ranger that Daughter has severe PTSD, and I suspect that got passed along.  Fortunately, Daughter didn't hear the comment, and I didn't care what they said as long as they left.  It was wonderfully quiet after they left.